For those with marriage issues

[ruthiechan]

This Dr. Laura vid is spot on. I love it! As I watched it I wondered how many relationships would be saved if everyone took this advice.

[applepansy]

I didn't watch the video. I've never been very impressed with Dr. Laura. I used to listen to her radio show when I was driving or at work. I quickly learned her show was a "tell 10 truths to get you to believe one lie" sort of show.

I take anything with her name on it with a large grain of salt.

There is plenty of counsel from the general authorities. I personally don't need Dr. Laura.

However. . . I'm glad it helped you.

applepansy

[Gwen]

she had a good start; in my opinion she left out a very important aspect of the subject. lol

[NeuroTypical]

Dr. Laura rocks. She's been pushing the concept of selfless service from one spouse to the other for the whole 15 years I've been listening to her.

Once on her radio show, she read an entire article out of the Ensign. She's got quite a high opinion of our church, once commenting that she wished every male high-school graduate would either do a stint in the military, or go on an LDS mission.

She is often not charitable, which is a pretty big problem, but the principles and ideals she pushes has always been spot on. I've found that those who have intense dislikes for her do not understand what those principles and ideals are.

LM

[georgia2]

Hey, I watched the video. WELL>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I guess this is a valid point in some relationships, BUT, I think the vast majarity of the wives who don't take care of themselves is due to their husbands not treating the wives they should in the first place. If a man is paying attention to his wife, loving her, cuddeling her, giveing her compliemtns, responding to her when she does make the effort, she WILL take care of herself!

I personally know that "self talk" goes like this, "I dressed, put on make up, did my hair, and he didn't even take a first look much less a second look!" after that happens OVER AND OVER AND OVER, then they say, "Why does it matter? Why should I bother? WHo cares? He doesn't!" Then after a while, they listen to their self and things start to slide. Also. how many men take care of themselves, dress themselves sexy, style their hair, groom their skin, their eyebrows, their nose hair???????? MOst men don't even know they should do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Women are expected to be eye candy without any treats in return!

[applepansy]

how many men take care of themselves, dress themselves sexy, style their hair, groom their skin, their eyebrows, their nose hair???????? MOst men don't even know they should do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Women are expected to be eye candy without any treats in return!

This would be funny if it wasn't so TRUE! LOL

Men can only think of one thing at a time (scientifically proven). As women we do need to pat and pet. . .but MEN! You guys need to pay attention.

Just my opinion.

applepansy

P.S. As far as Dr. Laura. . .her male bashing really turns me off.

[beefche]

I am not married, so take this as you will.

Women are stupid (in general, not specifically). They will say, "Do these pants make me look fat?" The problem with that question is that it traps the man. That ISN'T her real question. Her question is "Do you find me attractive?"

Women quit being coy, dumb, whatever to your husbands. Talk to them! If you want to know if he still finds you attractive, then ask him that. And then listen to him and not berate him for his answer. If he doesn't find you attractive, then discover why and work on it. However, the same goes for men. If you feel unappreciated as the husband/man of the home, let your wives know and then listen to her. Although women have a difficult time to tell their man their true feelings (for some reason most women want the men to know instinctively what she wants/needs and then interpret her answers towards that end), men can learn to interpret the words and women can learn to better express their true feelings.

Overall, I think Dr. Laura has some fantastic advice. I liked her book about feeding husbands. I think she can be used as a reference in addition to GAs, scriptures, other good books on communication.

[Guest Alana]

I like a lot of the things Dr. Laura says but don't agree with her on porn. On the one side she said that women need to not take it personally when men look at it, that it's normal and fine and can enhance your love life. Then here in this video she is eluding then husbands look at it when they don't get what they need from their wife. You know, sometimes my husband doesn't give me what I 'need,' I think I'll start flirting with guys at the grocery store and watch other people have sex.

Or not.

She does have a lot of great points, I've read a few of her books, but she is who she is.

Edited January 7, 2009 by Alana

[Islander]

I am not married, so take this as you will.

Women are stupid (in general, not specifically). They will say, "Do these pants make me look fat?" The problem with that question is that it traps the man. That ISN'T her real question. Her question is "Do you find me attractive?"

Although women have a difficult time to tell their man their true feelings (for some reason most women want the men to know instinctively what she wants/needs and then interpret her answers towards that end), men can learn to interpret the words and women can learn to better express their true feelings.

Overall, I think Dr. Laura has some fantastic advice. I liked her book about feeding husbands. I think she can be used as a reference in addition to GAs, scriptures, other good books on communication.

HAHAHAHAHA...I can tell you are not married.

[ruthiechan]

Applepansy, I feel it is unfair to be commenting without even bothering to watch the video. It's less than five minutes long and is indeed very good. I did not personally need it because I learned everything she said the hard way. I learned everything she said in her book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" the hard way. If every woman read that book there would be less divorces. If I had read and taken everything in that book to heart before my husband and I separated our lives would be very different right now.

Dr. Laura does not bash men. She's one of the few women out there who advocates for the better treatment of men.

Dr. Laura is not perfect. But I do not believe she would purposely tell ten truths to get people to believe one lie. That is putting her on par with Satan and that's wrong. She does a lot of good in advocating appropriate family structure and marital unity. She can just be rather abrasive about it.

About porn, how many wives have come on here asking for marriage advice because their husband started looking at porn, or worse, had an affair, only to find out that she's always too busy for him? The few husbands who do ask advice about their wives they're greatest beef seems to be that their wives do not pay attention to them and refuse to be intimate. Some of them even say that they've become tempted to view porn when before it wasn't an issue for them.

I remember a sister in my ward in Florida was about to be divorced. Why? Because she was too busy for her husband. Everyone else, children, friends, people at church, were more important than he was. How do I know this was the cause because her husband confided in my Dad about it and he told me about it when I asked what was going on with them. It was very sad, they had quite a few kids together too.

Hey, I watched the video. WELL>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I guess this is a valid point in some relationships, BUT, I think the vast majarity of the wives who don't take care of themselves is due to their husbands not treating the wives they should in the first place. If a man is paying attention to his wife, loving her, cuddeling her, giveing her compliemtns, responding to her when she does make the effort, she WILL take care of herself!

I personally know that "self talk" goes like this, "I dressed, put on make up, did my hair, and he didn't even take a first look much less a second look!" after that happens OVER AND OVER AND OVER, then they say, "Why does it matter? Why should I bother? WHo cares? He doesn't!" Then after a while, they listen to their self and things start to slide. Also. how many men take care of themselves, dress themselves sexy, style their hair, groom their skin, their eyebrows, their nose hair???????? MOst men don't even know they should do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Women are expected to be eye candy without any treats in return!

Did you not notice that in the second portion of the video Dr. Laura told the husbands to COMPLIMENT their wives on all the positive things they do and how they look so their wives will be more likely to start taking better care of themselves?

[applepansy]

I am not married, so take this as you will.

Women are stupid (in general, not specifically). They will say, "Do these pants make me look fat?" The problem with that question is that it traps the man. That ISN'T her real question. Her question is "Do you find me attractive?"

Women quit being coy, dumb, whatever to your husbands. Talk to them! If you want to know if he still finds you attractive, then ask him that. And then listen to him and not berate him for his answer. If he doesn't find you attractive, then discover why and work on it. However, the same goes for men. If you feel unappreciated as the husband/man of the home, let your wives know and then listen to her. Although women have a difficult time to tell their man their true feelings (for some reason most women want the men to know instinctively what she wants/needs and then interpret her answers towards that end), men can learn to interpret the words and women can learn to better express their true feelings.

Overall, I think Dr. Laura has some fantastic advice. I liked her book about feeding husbands. I think she can be used as a reference in addition to GAs, scriptures, other good books on communication.

No wonder you're not married LOL

Also, I could say the same for men, generally speaking. Many don't tell their wives if they find them attravtive even when asked directly.

Its a communication issue.

applepansy

[NeuroTypical]

As far as Dr. Laura. . .her male bashing really turns me off.

Odd, I've been listening to her on and off for 15 years, I've read 3 of her books, I've even met her in person - and I don't remember any "male bashing"...

[applepansy]

Applepansy, I feel it is unfair to be commenting without even bothering to watch the video. It's less than five minutes long and is indeed very good. I did not personally need it because I learned everything she said the hard way. I learned everything she said in her book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" the hard way. If every woman read that book there would be less divorces. If I had read and taken everything in that book to heart before my husband and I separated our lives would be very different right now.

Dr. Laura does not bash men. She's one of the few women out there who advocates for the better treatment of men.

Dr. Laura is not perfect. But I do not believe she would purposely tell ten truths to get people to believe one lie. That is putting her on par with Satan and that's wrong. She does a lot of good in advocating appropriate family structure and marital unity. She can just be rather abrasive about it.

About porn, how many wives have come on here asking for marriage advice because their husband started looking at porn, or worse, had an affair, only to find out that she's always too busy for him? The few husbands who do ask advice about their wives they're greatest beef seems to be that their wives do not pay attention to them and refuse to be intimate. Some of them even say that they've become tempted to view porn when before it wasn't an issue for them.

I remember a sister in my ward in Florida was about to be divorced. Why? Because she was too busy for her husband. Everyone else, children, friends, people at church, were more important than he was. How do I know this was the cause because her husband confided in my Dad about it and he told me about it when I asked what was going on with them. It was very sad, they had quite a few kids together too.

Did you not notice that in the second portion of the video Dr. Laura told the husbands to COMPLIMENT their wives on all the positive things they do and how they look so their wives will be more likely to start taking better care of themselves?

I'll be happy to take my opinion elsewhere. I quit listening to Dr. Laura 5 years ago exactly because I got tired of hearing her rhetoric. I would hope that others reading this thread will judge Dr. Laura's opinions based on the what the General Authorities tell us.

Peace,

applepansy

[Islander]

True, Dr. Laura does not come across as very "compassionate." But again, it is not a counseling show and I guess on account of her history she is burned out and suffering from compassion fatigue. We are not used to that kind of interaction, straight, to the point, unceremonious assessment of a situation. Most of our social interactions are quite delicate and diplomatic. Her style is not. You ask for her opinion and she gives it. It feels like pulling teeth without anesthesia, to some people. Especially those that do not hear what they want from her.

She does have a different view and opinion about pornography but my guess is that she has not delved much into the subject from a research standpoint. She may still change her mind on that one.

Don't forget she is not a member of the curch and she is entitle to her own opinion on many subjects. I find her hilarious and insightful but most of all fair. I can't hear her program any more here where we live but I did for years.

[rampion]

Why is it just the women who are expected to take care of themselves? Growing up, it really embarassed me to have to see my dad running around the house in his garments. He at least wore pants. I didn't want to look at his undershirt all the time, or see my dad sleeping in his recliner in his underwear with his mouth open and flies investigating in there.

I don't want to see my husband running around in his garments either, and I don't think the kids should have to be exposed to that. We try to convince the kids that we should act at least as well and present ourselves at least as well within the family as we do with outsiders. But then every time someone comes to the door we have to delay answering while dad runs to put clothes on or hide. It's a turn off.

And women also need to notice when men do take care of themselves, when they get a haircut, lose some weight, etc. They need to know that it's appreciated too.

Sometimes when either men or women let themselves go, maybe they are sub-consciously or intentionally communicating "I'm not feeling attractive, or I just want to be left alone."

Courtship shouldn't end after the vows have been taken, on either side.

Edited January 7, 2009 by rampion

[Gwen]

however she does not define enough in the video.... there is only so much one can do to care for themselves.

if a man is losing his hair and his wife doesn't like it what is he really to do. all the nose and ear hair trimming in the world will not make hair grow on his head. the wife has a responsibility to accept what he can do.... likewise for the men. if a woman has thyroid issues there is only so much she can do about her weight. she can exercise and eat right and still be overweight.

i know a woman whose husband repeatedly told her she was fat. she did everything she could and she stayed under 200 with extreme thyroid issues. she asked the dr about it and he said most women with her thyroid issues would give near anything to be her size, he was proud of her weight management from a health stand point. there was nothing she could do to make him happy, he didn't want to find her attractive. there has to be a limit to what one will do for another. at some point it is their problem, not yours.

[Guest Alana]

True, Dr. Laura does not come across as very "compassionate." But again, it is not a counseling show and I guess on account of her history she is burned out and suffering from compassion fatigue. We are not used to that kind of interaction, straight, to the point, unceremonious assessment of a situation.

I find those she is least compassionate to are usually the most 'entertaining' callers. She has about 2 minutes to get through someones head who is calling about something like how her neihbors are rude to her, whine whine whine. She has no patience with people who keep wanting approval from people who aren't nice to them.

As far as The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands go, I do like that book. It promotes wives treating their husband like men, and thus them acting like men (and visa versa.) It talks a lot about the positive things women can do to have a harmonious marriage. So, I like a lot of what Dr Laura says, but she like someone else said, she isn't a general authority. A lot of people treat her like THE authority.

[FunkyTown]

however she does not define enough in the video.... there is only so much one can do to care for themselves.

if a man is losing his hair and his wife doesn't like it what is he really to do. all the nose and ear hair trimming in the world will not make hair grow on his head. the wife has a responsibility to accept what he can do.... likewise for the men. if a woman has thyroid issues there is only so much she can do about her weight. she can exercise and eat right and still be overweight.

i know a woman whose husband repeatedly told her she was fat. she did everything she could and she stayed under 200 with extreme thyroid issues. she asked the dr about it and he said most women with her thyroid issues would give near anything to be her size, he was proud of her weight management from a health stand point. there was nothing she could do to make him happy, he didn't want to find her attractive. there has to be a limit to what one will do for another. at some point it is their problem, not yours.

I do have a question: Did she always have the thyroid problem? It seems odd that a guy would marry someone he wasn't attracted to. Frankly, he should realize that you don't marry someone for what you hope you can make them.

[NeuroTypical]

I would hope that others reading this thread will judge Dr. Laura's opinions based on the what the General Authorities tell us.

Usually sound advice, if you set aside the backhanded jab. What, you hope "others" will follow the church, but those of us who like Dr. Laura aren't?

Anyway, from what I can tell, her values/principles/ideals are quite a good match with what we hear from our church leaders. I can think of two or three areas where they're at odds, but for the most part, our church leaders also don't like child abuse, desire strengthened marriages, and urge people to not hide from moral choices just because they're hard.

LM

[Islander]

Most couples that experience issues with weight have other deep rooted problems and the weight issue is a symptom rather. Although men are visual creatures, what may entice you momentarily is not enough to seduce you completely.

Most women gain 40-60 pounds every time they have a baby and it takes her a year to loose the weight. That has not impact in the relationships that are solid and grounded. When men say they are not attracted to their wives they are externalizing the fact that they have started to look and fantasizing after other women, comparing them with their wives and lusting after strange women.

So, the problem there is sin and not weight, it is selfishness and dishonesty not the form of her body. If the contrary was true most women over 40 would be single and discarded after 1-2 pregnancies and 25 pounds over weight in favor of the younger ones. Just some thoughts.

[Gwen]

I do have a question: Did she always have the thyroid problem? It seems odd that a guy would marry someone he wasn't attracted to. Frankly, he should realize that you don't marry someone for what you hope you can make them.

she was anorexic when they got married, she was sickly thin, she got thyroid cancer while married and had her thyroid glands completely removed, had health issues ever since. she also gave birth to 6 kids (which is hard enough on weight) the last one knowing she had cancer. you would think he would have some compassion and understanding having gone through all that with her.

[Elgama]

ok based on what the 2 great institute manuals we have on the subject of marriage have taught me lol - (achieving a celestial marriage and eternal marriage)

The quotes seem to recognise to everything there is a season and a woman running after young children everyday should not be expected to be beautiful and perfect everynight and should be accepted for who she is, the time for beautifying and becoming your husband's 'second' wife is when your children are older and you have that time to spend.

I don't know Dr Laura but her video was very anti woman it showed no recognition of the fact having spent all day scraping poo of bottoms, marmalade off walls, shampoo out the mop bucket, chocolate off bedsheets, drying tears, not to mention being up the night before cleaning up vomit, just maybe the wife is not thinking about what colour eyeshadow she wants to wear and just maybe she wants to flop instead of running round the block. My husband has a 40 hour week at work and needs time out, I am never off work 24/7, even when chilling out in a timeout right now my son has tried to bite me, I have given my daughter milk and my son is flicking light switches. I wonder how many Mums of children under 5 have time or chance for a regular meal time without having to get up 3 times etc

You want your wife to feel nice and look nice do some cuddling, poo scraping and dishwashing and miracles may occur. Remember a box of chocolates or flowers once in awhile

-Charley

Edited January 7, 2009 by Elgama

[georgia2]

Did you not notice that in the second portion of the video Dr. Laura told the husbands to COMPLIMENT their wives on all the positive things they do and how they look so their wives will be more likely to start taking better care of themselves?

Yeah, I did see and hear that part. My point is that in my own experience, if men paid attention in the first place they wouldn't have the complaint. This is not always the case, for sure! (i was speaking from my own experiences! heheh)

My husband and I both notice that it seems to be a trend for women in the church to not pay as much attention to their personal grooming and appearance as others. This may be due to the fact that they take the advice of the General Authorities and work more on what is on the inside. The worlds view on women is certainly how they LOOK. Or, it may be due to the fact that they DO recognize that they are more than their looks and don't concentrate on it as much. I don't know. I was not raised in the church and was taught different standards. We were taught that we didn't go to church in flip flops, wrinkled clothes, without trying to look our best. This was NOT for what other people thought. But instead it was to show Heavenly Father how much we respected him, that we took the time to present our best selves to him. I also see the young women wearing sweatshirts and t shirts to sacrament. They should be taught by their parents and leaders that this is inappropriate.

WE have been instructed to dress our best, as if going to sacrament, when we go to the temple. I have seen women go to the temple dressed just like they do for sacrament. In other words inappropriately.

In last conference there was a talk on this very subject. I haven't seen a change whatsoever. I guess those to whom it was intended didn't hear it or already think they dress appropriately. On another hand, I have been ostracized because I do take the time to prepare the day ahead what I will wear on Sunday. When I first joined the church 33 years ago, I started down dressing and wearing dowdy clothes because I thought that was how "we" were supposed to dress! Then I read in the scriptures that we are to dress our best, that Heavenly Father DOES CARE how WE CARE! So I went back to what I had been taught as a child. Dress as if you knew you would meet Jesus when you got there. And when you think about it, isn't that what we are really doing?

I'll get off the soap box now.

[Elgama]

Personally I would rather my Young Woman was at church in a sweatshirt than at home in a dress, yes I would rather she was at church dressed neatly but above all I would rather she was at church. I used to borrow my Mum's dresses because I couldn't afford one, in hindsight would have been better in a sweatshirt and trousers as I wouldn't have felt so self conscience. A young Mum in flip flops and sweatshirt may have been wearing her best because she has spent everything she has on the kids, buying scriptures or something more important or spent so much time getting her family out or maybe she has had a morning where she didn't want to go and changed her mind about going at the last minute, know I have showed up wrinkled because have wrestled with not wanting to go, my decision was correct its better to be at church in wrinkles - like general authorities have said the smell of smoke or alchohol on someone. shows someone trying to go in the right direction. There is that oft quoted story about the disheveled man that described how he had walked miles, waded through a river etc, sometimes the barriers aren't physical

Again I won't judge someone at the temple its between them and the Lord, what they are wearing maybe their best available at the time. I know we went to the LA Temple straight from the UCLA Hospital after my Father in Law died, we probably smelt a bit as we hadn't showered and it was hot, hadn't even had chance to brush my hair, but for my husband to have that time was the right thing to do.

What is important is that I know I did my best that Sunday or that Temple Trip, what others think isn't important they should be concentrating on themselves.

-Charley

[hordak]

When men say they are not attracted to their wives they are externalizing the fact that they have started to look and fantasizing after other women, comparing them with their wives and lusting after strange women.

I don't buy it. Men and women are nostalgic and like to look back on the beginning of an relationship when things were "perfect". When a man says "you have let yourself go" to his wife it is the equivalent of a women saying "you don't bring me flowers anymore"to her hubby. It is looking back and seeing how things have changed and not necessarily a "wondering eye"