Going to "bed" angry

[aluvsd4ever]

My fiance and I are in a disagreement. I think if one of us is angry, we should take time to cool down before resuming our discussion. He thinks we should immediately work through it. Ive found support my point of view on the provident living website be he says he is taking his advice from talks from the apostles. Does anyone know of any talks supporting either point of view? Thanks

[Faded]

8 years of marriage to the same scenario here. My wife always wants to work it out now. I'm better off sleeping on it because I know my emotions will be calmed down by morning and I'll be able to talk clearly and not have my emotions leading me to say anything stupid.

Well ... we sort it before we go to bed because she can't sleep otherwise. It's one of those many things where there's no perfect solution. Her need to solve it now wins out every time, but it also tends to disproportionately favor my point of view in solving things. More often than not, she says sorry first and I calm down. Then we discuss it. Every time, I wouldn't have been ready to say I'm sorry till morning when I could think straight.

Edited January 9, 2009 by Faded

[aluvsd4ever]

Exactly. But he thinks that is me not being able to control my temper. So frustrating.

[Faded]

You're new to this thing and it's going to play a very big role in your marriage. He needs to understand that. Both of you process these things differently. Your way of handling arguments -- sleeping on it -- is very common. I'd venture to say about 50% of everyone out there handles it better that way. He also needs to understand that.

I can't count the number of couples I've met that are the same way. Like I said, it's an imperfect situation with no perfect solution. None of the couples solve it the same way, but you do have to come an understanding on it.

[pam]

I had a Bishop once give me advise when getting married..to never go to bed angry. That's difficult sometimes. Emotions run high in some disagreements. Sometimes walking away from it for awhile or sleeping on it help. You sometimes see things in a different light after a time. What might seem huge at the moment sometimes really aren't. But you don't realize that at the time.

[pam]

Also another thing I just remembered. This same Bishop said to never go to bed without saying "I love you." Now THAT sometimes is very difficult to do when you are angry. Perhaps that is a way of being able to follow the never go to bed angry thing. Hard to say I love you when you are angry.

[ruthiechan]

Being angry while going to bed is different than sleeping on it.

[Wingnut]

Also another thing I just remembered. This same Bishop said to never go to bed without saying "I love you." Now THAT sometimes is very difficult to do when you are angry. Perhaps that is a way of being able to follow the never go to bed angry thing. Hard to say I love you when you are angry.

I think this is so much more important than whether or not the argument is resolved. It's much more important to be able to set the argument aside and say "I love you. You and I together are more important than _______" as opposed to "Fine, let's deal with this so we can go to bed."

[FenderFan]

Everyone is different, and that makes this situation harder to give advice on. I am divided on this myself. I'm pretty sure many of the problems that led to my divorce were down to me needing that space to calm down, and going to bed with those bad feelings wasn't always a good thing.

Hard to say I love you when you are angry.

It's very hard Pam, but I have found that it really does work wonders. I am in a new relationship now and at 46 years old it is no easier getting to know someone anew as it was when I was a teenager. But what I have found is that when misunderstandings happen - and they will in any new relationship - putting you arms round your partner and telling them "I love you honey" really does soften the situation. Very good advice from an inspired Bishop, I think...

FF

[NeuroTypical]

"Never go to bed angry" is the only advice from a church leader we've ever willfully and knowingly tossed out the window, and I think it's the right decision for us. Here's what my wife has told me: When we're having a disagreement and it gets heated or stressful, there is a point my wife gets pushed past. Once she's past that point, all rational discussion is over. She turns bitter and destructive. There is nothing, save the 2nd coming, that will pull her back into a reasonable state of mind.

So, since my wife understands this about herself, she suggested (and I agreed) that we abandon the notion of having to solve something that night. We'll revisit things a day or two later (or a month, or a year). One thing we've found, is that whatever thing we were all angry about the night before wasn't even the real issue. It's helped us to have some time to think about what really is the issue.

Of course, our way isn't perfect, because yes indeed, it does stink to be in the same bed with someone who is just an inch away from hitting you with a pan. (I exaggerate a little). And, until she cools off, our daily life is impacted by the unaddressed issue, which is indeed sitting there unaddressed. Over the years, she's gotten better at taking control of her tempers and negative reactions. We've both gotten better at not letting the disagreement push her past the line to begin with. But we're not always successful, so the blanket statement "never go to bed angry" continues to lie in the wastebasket for us.

LM

[Islander]

I suggest that the greatest problem is that we have no social training in how to work thru ideological divides. We in the west are taught to be assertive, forceful, direct, and even aggressive and outspoken to the point of being rude, sometimes. Boys are certainly socialized to behave that way. Beyond that, we often do not know how to listen, really. We talk and then shut up but we are not listening. We are just being polite (sic) and waiting for the other party to stop talking. That hardly qualifies as listening.

We also have to learn to separate the issue from the person. My wife is not stubborn, recalcitrant, inflexible and hardheaded. She just has strong feelings about X and she is articulating those feelings in the exchange. I do not agree with her but she is entitle to her own brain. If I think I am absolutely right and can prove it (otherwise I would not invest much energy on the argument), then I would explore how she arrived to that conclusion which is different from mine. Be empathic and truly try to understand. I would try to walk thru her rationale for her opinion and slowly but surely get her to the argumentative "slippery slope." This is where I do "what if" scenarios to get her to consider an alternative line of reasoning. Most times she is too invested in her position to give it up so I let it rest. I give her a kiss, cuddle her and change the subject. She will not mind the change in venue. You should not let your angry thoughts go wild at night. I am told that is when they turn into a murder plot (hehehehe).

A few days later she would say something like: "you know, about that stuff we were discussing the other day...you may be right that....." Now this is where being grown up shows. You NEVER say "I told you so" or do the touch down dance in front of her. Do it in the bathroom if you have to. Or just smile, kiss her and tell her it was not such a big deal after all.

Now people, this is very expensive advise, hard earned (have the scars to prove it) and time teste. Try it.

[Hemidakota]

My fiance and I are in a disagreement. I think if one of us is angry, we should take time to cool down before resuming our discussion. He thinks we should immediately work through it. Ive found support my point of view on the provident living website be he says he is taking his advice from talks from the apostles. Does anyone know of any talks supporting either point of view? Thanks

On which topic?

[Hemidakota]

Once she's past that point, all rational discussion is over. She turns bitter and destructive. There is nothing, save the 2nd coming, that will pull her back into a reasonable state of mind.

LM

Where is the laugh button when you need it...

[akindheart]

What about compromising. My husband and i had the same problem , so we looked for a compromise. We found that a half hour of cooling off was something we could both live with.

[Hemidakota]

Those who had taken or teach marriage counciling in the church may recognized the old TEN 'C's of marriage by Brent Barlow. Highly effective if you know each meaning of the ten 'c's.

01] Commitment

02] Caring

03] Communication

04] Coexistence

05] Capitulation

06] Compromise

07] Collaboration

08] Confrontation

09] Counseling

10] Christ

Brent's made some unique perspective in 'How to Confront' your companion with three simple steps. He states,

What were some of the strategies she read in his book that night? First, this book is unusual in that you do not have your spouse read it with you. 3 It is a strategy for the spouse who is seriously contemplating ending the marriage and must do the confronting. Briefly, here is the process he recommends:

Recommit and clarify: Before you confront a spouse on a certain matter, you recommit to the marriage relationship. Tell the person why you married him or her and, if possible, declare the love that exists.

Confront: This is where the eighth C is appropriate. Building on your statement of recommitment, you communicate as clearly as possible your concern about the behavior or action that is causing you pain (seeing another person, for example). The confrontation comes when you declare you will no longer stay in the relationship if such behavior continues! But the choice is for the erring spouse to make.

Open the door: In confrontation, you indicate to the spouse that he or she is free to leave the marriage if the inappropriate behavior does not change. Dobson gives this saying: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't come back, it never was yours in the first place."

[aluvsd4ever]

On which topic?

He believes there are things about my past that I have not told him. This is not true. He brings it up once every 2 months or so. He says he wants to believe me but it just seems like I am hiding something...this is a whole other topic. This is about the only thing we argue about. He thinks im afraid to "communicate" but I'm just different then he is

[Hemidakota]

For what purpose does he want to know of your past?

[aluvsd4ever]

For what purpose does he want to know of your past?

Every person i've dated, kissed, etc. I am a convert and have made my fair share of mistakes. But i'm past that, ive told the truth and im tired of it being brought up.

[Hemidakota]

This was done prior to your marriage? Are you sealed in the temple?

[aluvsd4ever]

We are not married yet. We are just engaged.

[Hemidakota]

Sorry for delving deeper here but helping me to understand and coming to a conclusion on the purpose of his role in questioning your past.

[aluvsd4ever]

Sorry for delving deeper here but helping me to understand and coming to a conclusion on the purpose of his role in questioning your past.

No problem at all. Id like to get to the root of it myself. Its becoming a problem in our relationship.

[Hemidakota]

We are not married yet. We are just engaged.

Being a convert to the church and newly baptized, he is under no authority to questioned anything prior to your baptism. If he understands the doctrine of baptism, anything that is previous before this event is wiped cleaned and no longer remembered by the Savior. It only returns when we violate the baptism covenant but even that is forgiven when we partake of the Sacrament.

Noting his festering thoughts on your past is puzzling as a member of the church. Remembering Brent teaching on the 'The law of the boomerang', he made mentioned it was taught in at least three scriptures. Alma the Younger, cautioned his son, Corianton, about his previous questionable conduct and noted, "For that which ye do send out shall return unto you again." (Alma 41:15.) In Ecclesiastes we read, "Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days." (11:1.) The Savior taught, "Give, and it shall be given unto you; good measure, pressed down, and shaken together, and running over, shall men give into your bosom. For with the same measure that ye mete withal it shall be measured to you again." (Luke 6:38.)

This concept, The law of the boomerang' is taught in the scriptures and seem to emphasize the importance of individual efforts and consequences. Once we have learned that we really can't change another person, we can then focus on what changes are needed in our own lives. For him, he need a self-eval prior to questioned your past.

Can you imagine what would happen after being married if we each took the initiative and bore the responsibility to get our own lives in order before making a single request or demand of our spouses? If that were so, I expect that by the time we got around to making our requests, there would be few left to be made.

Now, if he wants to change you prior to marriage, get a mirror rather than a microscope. Start with himself and ask this key question:

"What would it be like to be married to me?"

Then to add:

What if your spouse were exactly like you?

What would he or she be like to live with?

What changes could you make in your life right now to make yourself easier to live with and your marriage more tolerable for your spouse?

[aluvsd4ever]

I guess the bigger issue is that he doesn't trust that I have been honest with him. Looks like we have a lot of discussing to do.

[Hemidakota]

If not, have him come to the board. Before you approach him tonight, on bent knees, ask for guidance from GOD. That HIS Spirit will be manifested for you. Good luck.