Domestic Violence

[Guest missingsomething]

Hey all... I have a friend who recently went through a horrifying bout of domestic violence - ending with her nearly being killed while their almost 2 yr old daughter was in the house.

She's an awesome person who has made a website to tell her story, display her art, and try to help others. I know there are ladies here who have experienced the same things or who have friends who are in this situation, so I'd like to share her website.... hope this is ok.

I am a hero ?(beavoicearts.com)?

Thanks.

[jolee65]

You can truely see the horror and the darkness she must have felt through her paintings.

She is an amazing artist, im glad she got her brush back.

[GingerGolden]

Thank you HavingSomething for posting this.

It has only been a few weeks that the knots and bruises to my own face and head have finally gone away. Unfortunately, I am still suffering from really bad headaches and strange dizzy spells that make me feel like I am walking out of my own self, as well as messing up my eyesight and sinuses. (Yes, I have had priesthood blessings - 3 so far)

These were incurred while trying to protect my 8 year old daughter from being attacked by my 46 year old sister. I had simply taken my sister by the elbow when I realized she was fixing to attack my child, and said, "Wait (her name)" When she spun around and went to beating me in the face and head with her fists. A minor child came running up and began beating me in the head and face with her fists. I only wanted them to stop. I did not try to really fight them back, since I wasn't wanting anyone to be hurt, especially by me.

Her children think it is just soooo funny that big ole aunt Ginny got beat up by their nearly wasted to skin and bones addict mom, but what they don't realize is that I Chose not to hit. I could have hurt her just as badly, but I chose not to harm them.

I didn't want to have to sign papers on my sister, since I figured it would only make things worse for us all, especially my children.

I should have signed papers that very day to have it considered Domestic Violence, but because I waited, for not having the heart for the deed, it is only simple assault.

I also got an eviction notice for her that same day. She thought that since this is mother's property that it was no good, but I had spoken with our mother before I did anything.

My sis did not show up for court.

A deputy came and made her and her kids leave after witnessing even more threats and brutality from her and her kids towards me and my children.

Some of her things are still here, they came here yesterday and wanted to get their things, she sent one of her daughters in here to ask me if they could. I told her I wasn't putting up with any garbage from anyone, any more, and if they could act civil, they were more than welcome to come in and get their things.

As I was talking to my niece, my 8 year old went to the door to wave and she stepped back and said "Momma, Aunt ____ just flipped me off"

I told my niece, no that they were not coming in now, that there was no need for my sister to take out her anger on my 8 year old and that they should leave. I also told her to tell her mother if she keeps flipping off children, that she would lose the use of that hand. Not because of something I would do to my sister, but eventually the ugliness that she's throwing off with such a nasty gesture towards innocent children would render that hand worthless to her.

I love my sister and I love her children.

Unfortunately, she brought them up to vulgar and vile in their thoughts and deeds. I was trying to help them and like a pack of hungry dogs they turned on the hands that was offering them more than they had. Trying to help her get back up on her own feet, did more harm to me and my children than good.

I now regret having tried to help them.

If I thought for one moment that she would ever pay for a Dr. I'd go, but she won't and I haven't the money to go either.

Right now, all I can do is try not to push myself into exhaustion, which I have done already, since I do need to work. And trust that Heavenly Father knows what is best and will help me feel better both physically and spiritually.

Thank you Having for posting this Hero site link. I do identify very much with how she feels and the art she is creating. And for posting this thread, since I did need a means of getting it out.

My 8 year old and I are seeing a Church Counselor concerning all this and I do believe it is helping.

~~~

For any of those who are suffering, know that you are not alone, and believe me it means a great deal to know that you are not alone.

We deserve much better than this and there are others who do care. Know that!

Talk to your Bishop, Branch President as well as a Counselor and make sure you and your children are safe.

[pam]

I once went through a physically abusive marriage. This was so many years ago. Back in the day when you just didn't talk about it. I look back now and think how stupid could I have been? The many times I made excuses as to how I got the black eyes. Hindsight.

I went to the website posted. The paintings were so sad but spot on to the feelings and thoughts one has when being physically abused.

[ADoyle90815]

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage that was going to turn physical, but somehow, he didn't isolate me enough from my family and friends, so they helped me get out. Leaving was really the scariest time for me, to the point where not only did I get a restraining order against him, I used the escort services provided by the campus police until I learned through a friend that he had moved across town and was no longer a threat. After years of therapy, I finally found a REAL man who doesn't say anything nasty to me or anyone else.

[Palerider]

I am not sure if we have a Police officer on board here......but...when you ask them what scares them the most....I have heard its family disputes or domestic violence. I was told this once by a Police officer that those are dangerous situations.

[GingerGolden]

Domestic abuse is dangerous, I guess mostly since the abuser lives right there with you and even though you are being abused, the heartstrings of those abused are being pulled every which way. An abuser who lives right in the same house with you knows better than anyone what buttons to push and they recognize and know your weaknesses more easily.

An insider is an insider...

Being abused by someone you love can really throw you for a spin.

You feel embarrassed or shame, when it really isn't yours to own, it is something that has been forced upon you.

In this lifetime as one who is being abused, I stood in the place of being a daughter of an abuser, a wife of an abuser, a girlfriend of an abuser and now a sister of an abuser.

And if we want to get right down to the nitty gritty, I have also suffered emotional and psychological abuse and threats that I'd never be believed over her, from a very clever paternal grandmother, starting from a very young age, every chance she got me alone.

One thing I don't understand is how some people when they are talking to someone who has been abused is the use of the phrase, "Why do you allow this to happen?"

1. vt let something happen: to permit something to happen or somebody to do something

5. vti make provision for something: to take something into consideration or make provision for it when making a plan or decision

Encarta ® World English Dictionary © & (P) 1998-2005 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

Ummm, well, excuse me, I have never allowed anyone to abuse me.

Never once did any of them ask my permission. Never once did I grant them permission to do so.

Twice were blood related, the first, well I was a child, how much control does a child have over their parents? In the home I was raised in, NONE!

The other two times, it was like they only showed me one side of themselves and then came running in out of left field as if they were someone I didn't even know.

Allow is not the right word to use here, it makes it sound as if the one being abused has willingly with eyes wide open, chosen to take on such a matter as being beaten or broken in some manner. For some, this may be true, however I do believe for the most part, sane individuals will never choose to allow or give permission for someone else to abuse them.

Never once did it cross my mind that I was in the presence of an abuser until it was too late. Never once did I make a conscious choice knowing what they were or had in store for me. I'm not even sure it was something they may have even recognized in themselves. Not once did anyone come to me and say, You know what, that person is an abuser, they will hurt you.

No, I did not give them permission/allow to do this to me.

They made that choice themselves, for whatever their reason.

However, the most important thing is to stop the abuse and not allow it to continue it's cycle. It is essential to get help, even if you do feel heartache or embarrassment.

And if it is domestic abuse it is imperative that you press charges before that 24 hours has passed since it then drops down to being only a simple assault.

I'll hush now..

Edited March 10, 2009 by GingerGolden

[skippy740]

I read the website. Being a "highly sensitive person" it really affected me.

I hope that I can never understand the mindset behind such domestic abuse. It just saddens me that you say you love someone but you attempt to murder them.

I think the term "abuse" has been abused. There needs to be a new word that implies more hostility and aggression. I hear "abuse" and somehow I'm always thinking about the boy who cried wolf and that it's not "that bad".

Violence is definitely the proper term.

[lilered]

Allow me to share a story that happened several years ago. I was called to serve on the jury for a domestic violence that ended in murder. Woman was physicially abused several times over several years. Some of those times she was taken to a safe hoiuse but never completed any type of program. She would always go back to her husband. So the cycle continued for several years. Finally the guy moved to a different city, but over time he convinced the woman to come and stay with him on several week ends. Occassionally, she would return to her home battered as well. During this entire time, she never followed thru when police would charge him for domestic violence. As time marched on, she found a boyfriend and started to date him. So she finally divorced that abusive husband and life was good for a few months until the returned to visit their out of wedlock child. At the end of his visitation, he brought the child back to the mother, but he was drunk, she invited him into the house, and she started to get angry with him, as did the boyfriend. They all got into a fight and the exhusband ended up getting stabbed by the ex wife, her exhusband died. The wife admitted that it was her knife that stabbed her exhusband that night. So they charged her. It went to court and the State made the case that the woman even though battered, never followed thru anytime the husband was charged, she always wanted the charges dropped. She never got help, nor did she ever seek a restraining order on the husband. She even went so far that she visited him of her own free will several times in another town. She invited her exhusband into the house the night of his murder. She plead self defense.

She ended up being charged for 1st degree Manslaughter and was sent to prison for 5 years.

Bottom Line, The jury felt like she never availed herself of the help or assistance that was available to her all those years. She never ever took the Offensive position by filing charges, moving out, or obtaining a Restraining order on him. He on the other hand was invited into the home by her, she went to see him at times they were seperated and always took him back. Sad but true story.

[NeuroTypical]

I'll hush now..

Oh, please don't hush! There's still too much ignorance in the world, even in the church, about these realities. Thank you for being open with your story (even if it anonymously on a message board). Shout it from the rooftops as often as it's appropriate to do so.

I've never encountered any of this stuff. Never been abused, spent the first quarter-century of my life not even knowing anyone who had been. I would be one of these clueless "why did you let it happen" types, except for the stories people have shared with me. Through their experiences, I was able to educate myself about the realities of abuse. And I'm better because of it.

Thanks.

LM

[lestertheemt]

I agree with Loudmouth_Mormon 100% don't hush!!! These stories need to be told there is a voice that has to be heard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When my dh and I were first married a coworker was in an abusive relationship. She happened to live rather close to us and one night while dh was at work she called me her boyfriend was attempting to beat down the door. I immediately called 911 and thank heaven they got there in time.

I have seen the abuse and I am thankful for you ladies that have the courage to stand up and be heard!!

[countrygirl66]

What i think is so hard in abusive situations is that the abuser is not a monster all the time. Sometimes they can be very charming, and that is confusing. They have a way wether they are spouses, parents, siblings of tearing you down until you feel that you are nothing and completely unlovable. That is what brings you back. A lot of people that say why didn't you just tell, leave or press charges don't get that. I can remember as a kid thinking that everyone lived like I did, I just thought it was how life was. I still remember sitting in primary and having a teacher tell me that our parents spanked us because they loved us. The situation I was in, I took it to heart and it cemented my beleif that that was how life was. When I was finally put in a foster home at 8 I abused myself often, because my foster parents didn't hurt and hit and humiliate and hate me I was completely confused. There was no counciling available so it took me a long time to accecpt that their way of life was the real normal. I don't think these issues are ever simple and sometimes you have to be basically trained to spot pre-abusive behavior, especially if you have been raised around abusers. No warning bells go off until the hitting starts.

[Elphaba]

Bottom Line, The jury felt like she never availed herself of the help or assistance that was available to her all those years. She never ever took the Offensive position by filing charges, moving out, or obtaining a Restraining order on him. He on the other hand was invited into the home by her, she went to see him at times they were seperated and always took him back. Sad but true story.

This is a tragedy.

People who have never been in abusive relationships have no understanding how its dynamics make it extremely hard tto break out of it. They think, as these jurors did, that the abused spouse, usually the woman, is at fault because she did not get help. They have no idea there are reasons for this that are impossible to explain to other people.

The fear of your abuser never goes away, and it is easier to put up with the abuse then to leave it, and live in terror of the day he will come back. My mother tried at least three times that I can remember, but we always went back, and the entire time we were gone she lived in stark terror.

In 1975, after twenty years of abuse, my mother finally left my father and moved from California to Utah. He called me twice after that, and all I could do was agree with everything he said about my mother, becaues even 4,000 miles away he terrified me.

A few months after this my mother called to tell me he had suicided. My first thought was that he was tricking her so he could pop up and take his revenge. Until I calmed down, I thought he might even show up at my door.

When the reality hit that he was really gone, the relief I felt was palpable. To know this man could never hurt us again was unbelievable, and it actually took me a few years to accept it was real. But my immediate relief never went away.

Thirty years later I have much empathy for my father, monster that he was. I understand there are reasons he did what he did, even though that doesn't excuse it. I don't necessarily wish he hadn't killed himself, because the thought of being in the same room with him nauseates me.

But I do know that abusers are human beings who have been profoundly hurt in their own lives, usually as children. I even struggled with it in my own life, and that is very hard for me to admit.

I'm not excusing them at all. I don't even know what I'm saying, except that abuse is not as black and white as it seems. It is insidious and it destroys human beings. And I am not at all surprised this woman killed her ex-husband, and based on what you explained, it was self-defense.

Elphaba

[NeuroTypical]

Thirty years later I have much empathy for my father, monster that he was. I understand there are reasons he did what he did, even though that doesn't excuse it. I don't necessarily wish he hadn't killed himself, because the thought of being in the same room with him nauseates me.

By the way, as far as I can tell, this is what forgiveness looks like.

We currently live a state away from my wife's parents, and deal with the family at arms length only in public places. We helped put one of their kids away for 5-life for sexual abuse of a minor. (That's one out of at least 2 guilty brothers punished, for one out of at least five victims, spanning at least 2 generations.) As far as we can tell, both perpetrators were themselves victims at one time. We're guessing the parent's inability to do anything to stop this poison, might stem from their own traumatic events.

Yeah, forgiveness is a good and burden-lifting thing. We wish they all would stop hurting themselves and each other. We hope they will someday be healthy. My wife will also exhale a huge sigh of relief when a few of them die, and then will mourn the people they should have been.

Good thread.

LM

Edited March 15, 2009 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[foreverafter]

It is impossible to not become abusive if we are abused UNLESS we turn to God to learn to forgive & love our abusers & call abuse "abuse" & protect ourselves as much as possible from future abuse. This is very difficult to do as a child, so usually later in our early adult years we must come to terms with what was taught to us, shown to us & done to us wrongly as a child, or we will just pass it on to the next generation.

Most of us have been abused or have been taught abuse as a child in our families. Whether it's been verbal, emotional, financial, sexual or physical. Abuse is just so very common, we often don't call it abuse because it seems normal to us. We all need to become very educated about abuse for most of us have been abused & all of us have many family members & friends who are currently being abused & we have a responsibility to help them & heal ourselves.

In fact it is the 1st responsibility of all men & the Church (says Pres. Hinckley) & all it's Bishops & Stake Presidents, etc, to protect the women around them from the abuse, adultery & abandonment of their husbands & to do all they can to stop the abuse & never look the other way & minimize or deny or excuse it. Yes, there is abuse from women too, very much so, but we must 1st deal with the men Pres. Hinckley said & the problem will mostly be solved. Brigham Young said that if husbands will be truely righteous not 1 in a thousand wives would not also be righteous. Men have that much influence on women.

Edited March 16, 2009 by foreverafter

[GingerGolden]

Oh, please don't hush! There's still too much ignorance in the world, even in the church, about these realities. Thank you for being open with your story (even if it anonymously on a message board). Shout it from the rooftops as often as it's appropriate to do so.

I've never encountered any of this stuff. Never been abused, spent the first quarter-century of my life not even knowing anyone who had been. I would be one of these clueless "why did you let it happen" types, except for the stories people have shared with me. Through their experiences, I was able to educate myself about the realities of abuse. And I'm better because of it.

Thanks.

LM

Thank you LM.

I was a bit embarrassed to be talking about this on a message board.

I bawled my eyes out the whole time I was typing them here.

It's not that I want anyone to feel sorry for me, it's just as of late, I have found my Voice.

~~~

First thing I should say, I guess is that there are not very many childhood memories. The ones I do have, have come to me in flashes while being triggered in some way.

I will begin with my first known abuser, my grandmother.

Most of these I do remember and thank Heaven that my father was in the military and we did not live all our lives in her presence.

The reason that I call her my first know abuser is because just a few years ago, I was thinking on all of the things she had said and done or put me up to in order to either hurt me physically or cause me to get in trouble and suffer from a beating from my father or even just simply to be humiliated in front of anyone.

As I was doing this, I had a flash of being an infant in her arms and her saying things to me that she continued to say to me every chance she got me alone.

She would say, "Well, you are pretty, very pretty, but no one will ever love you."

I got while in the flashback as an infant.

I was a baby!

It totally shocked me when it came to me, the woman was 45 years old when I was born!

This is what she said to me over and over again over the years as well as to tell me that:

It was my fault that my father was an alcoholic.

It was my fault my father beat me.

It was my fault that my father beat my mother.

It was my fault that my father beat my brothers and sisters.

It was my fault that we had financial problems or any other type of problems.

If a dog got ran over outside, or whatever may be happening that wasn't good it was always my fault.

No matter what it was I was responsible for it happening.

There were other things she would say to me as well, all negative, all in attempt to ruin my spirit and self-esteem.

She would tell me that it would do no good to try to tell anyone about anything she said or did to me, since they would never believe me over her.

(just in the past few weeks of seeing the Church Counselor I have realized that the negative inner chat that I have is a lot of the negative things she would say to me. I am working to make a difference with this. Especially, now that I know where most of it comes from)

She would make me do things just to get me in trouble.

She was the grown up, I had no choice but to mind her when we were left in her care while mother and father were out doing something, or she would take a switch to me.

When they got back she would tell them I did this or that and then I'd get a spanking from my father.

Since we were not raised in the country, I had no idea what a pressure pot was except that it was a pot for cooking. She knew this.

When I was 12 years old, I was left with her.

She told me to go take the lid off the pot.

I tried and couldn't get it off, she told me to turn it hard to one side.

I finally got the pot open and luckily was fast enough to jump out of the way.

I realized right that moment that she was trying to have me burned.

She made me clean up the mess I could reach.

When my parents came back, she told them I was so stupid as to open a pressure pot in full boil.

She would give me things and then tell others that I stole from her. I don't know whether they believed her or not. And lately, I think if I do see them I will ask them if they believe that I did, to wonder why She Never Said This To Me or Accused Me of it in person and with others around.

The reason she did not confront me in front of others is that she was lying.

And they know very well, how well she loved to humiliate others and that if it were true, she would never have a problem with calling someone who was guilty onto the carpet.

These are just a few things.

I honestly believe that if my father had not been in the military and that we moved around so often, that if I had lived my life growing up around her, I'd never have lived very long.

She started by tearing down my spirit, self-esteem and broke my heart as even now, I do love my grandmother.

I love her because she is my father's mother, but I never liked her very much because she was not a very good person.

A several years ago, I was driving back here to mother's house.

As I was on a merger lane from one highway to another, I felt this very heavy burden literally lifted up off of my shoulders.

I knew at that instant it was my grandmother.

I got back here to the house and as soon as I walked in the door, my mother said to me, "Your grandmother just died."

I said, "Yes, I know."

She asked, "How, she just died?"

I said, "I felt her leave this world, I know she's dead."

And then I told my mother what I had felt as my grandmother died.

I cannot really express to you how strong this feeling was for me. I realized then that she had done her best to do her worst with me.

~~~

My father...

There are a lot of missing memories here.

Some will say that it is best to dig those out and confront them.

This may be true, however if I have been able to forgive my father while forgetting those events, is there any good reason to try to remember them?

I began reading any type of self-help book I could find by the time I was about 13 or so. They did me good, they helped.

When I left home at 18, the last memory that I have of our father beating us is the last time it happened. I don't know exactly why that is, but that was how it was.

I was probably 28 years old and sitting out on my sister's porch with her and her two first children. We were talking and I told her that the only time I remembered daddy beating us was the last time, before I left home.

She nearly holler at me, asking, "Are you crazy?"

Then she went to telling me how she remember all of us jumping onto daddy's legs to get him off of mama.

And a flashback occurred at that time.

I saw the four older of us kids on daddy's legs crying and pleading with him to stop hitting mama.

I'm the oldest and maybe about 5 or 6 years old at that time if that, and the others follow behind me each a year apart when that happened.

Over time...and not all at once...

I remember broad blood whelps on my brother just younger than me (He's past the veil now about 11 years now and I miss him dearly), his legs and thighs covered with them when we were teenagers and I remember thinking "How could daddy do this to Chuck? Chuck was the only one that would take up for daddy, trying to help us understand why daddy did this to us. How can he hurt Chuck so bad as to bring blood?"

Honestly, I never understood that.

I remembered my father beating me.

He always used him military issue belt. We were really afraid of that belt.

He would make us line up. If one got in trouble, we all got in trouble.

I was the oldest and it was instilled in me that I was to watch out for them to take care of them. I was responsible for myself as well as them in anything we did...

I have one memory of being sexually fondled by my father when I was about 13 when he thought I was sleeping and I was too scared to let on that I was awake or that he woke me up. I was laying with my back to him and he rubbed himself against my bottom.

He was drunk.

I know that that isn't the only time, but honestly, I don't want to remember any more.

I remembered that his drinking buddies, not all of them of course, some of them were really good guys and never acted out of the way, but at least 5 maybe 6 of them, at different times throughout the years, either saying something to me or touching me in passing when daddy was out of the room. Things like that would happen from the time I was a little girl until I was a teen and then I knew to stay clear of those guys.

I never expected them to do or say anything like that and I doubt my father did either.

The only good thing that came about, with having endured a grown man or an old man making such moves on a child or teenager is that eventually I learned to spot a pervert.

I can see it in their eyes, feel it in their presence and depending on their sense of concentration, there have been times I've even heard their thoughts.

Strangely, I know a pervert even if they have those tendencies as a teen themselves, which is very strange, but I know it when I sense it and I stay clear and watch out for the children when they are around.

Just a few months back, my mother and I were talking about my father and she told me something I never knew. She told me that the reason that daddy drank so much is that the agent orange poisoning was eating him up from the inside. That there was no cure or pain relief for the damage that agent orange had done to him. he was always in pain. He drank to try to stop the pain. Only the drinking made things worse for him and us and eventually, he lost everything because of the drinking.

You know how on a death certificate there are several lines for the reason of death and usually one or two things listed there?

My dad's death certificate had a list that filled all those lines, crammed in small print to make room for them all.

My dad was the kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back if you need his help. I do love my father and there are times that I miss him (his sober, natural self) so much.

~~~

My 1st husband

(I call him this, because I hope someday to have another better man to call my husband, a real man and not some decoy.)

To be honest, I do not talk about this man at all in real life.

Unknowingly, I made a big mistake and am ashamed for anyone to know we were ever even married or even that I know him.

*exhales*

To make a very painful story short, I will say that we were married about 2 years.

I miscarried a baby at about 2 months, and found out that one of the reasons was because I was actually allergic to his body fluids. * So it wouldn't have done me any good to try for any more children with him, they would have never lived or something would have been wrong with them.

(Yes, it can happen, do some research if you want to know more concerning that topic.) Itching is one of the signs.

The reason I divorced him was because about 1 1/2 years after being married he began cheating on me and then coming home and beating me while accusing me of the things he was actually guilty of doing himself. It took me a few months to figure out what he was doing, but when I found out, after being beaten again, I left my own trailer on his land.

He harassed me and would break into where I was living at night while I was sleeping and rape me.

I talked to a judge and he told me that in the state of Mississippi that a wife was a man's property, just like his land, cattle and farming equipment and that as my husband I could not press charges of rape on him.

I typed up my own divorce papers and paid $40 total for my divorce, while asking for my maiden name back. It was for unreconcilable differences because my understanding is that if they had been for abuse that the court proceedings would take much longer than for unreconcilable differences.

He didn't want to sign them, but I told him if he did not sign them that I would never ever speak to him again. That upset him enough to sign them. However, I had absolutely no intention of ever speaking to him again anyway.

He signed, but didn't even show up for court and I was awarded the divorce after answering 3 questions of the Judge.

1. Do you love him?

2. Do you think the marriage can be reconciled?

3. Are you pregnant?

All of the answers were NO.

For months later, he stalked me.

Finally, he met another woman who could hold her own when he went to hitting and he's only bothered me once since then.

I was staying with his sister (the only good thing that came out of my marriage to him, she is my sister and a very good person and one of my best friends) and taking care of her son while she worked at night.

He called one night while I was there, no caller ID and of course I answered the phone. This was probably 4 years after our divorce.

I didn't recognize his voice at first, but he did mine and he told me he was sorry, that he knew he should have treated me better, that he still loved me and then told me that he would leave his wife and come back to me if I'd have him.

I told him to stay where he was that I had no need of him. To stay where he was, take care of his wife and children and to be good to them, they needed him.

~~~

My boyfriend

I had known this man a long time ago, we always enjoyed each others company.

We had only been seeing each other for a short time until his family moved back to Texas.

That was about 20 years ago.

Well, his mother was from here, had family here and she wanted to come home to be near what family she had left before she died.

One day out of the blue, he got in touch with me, by calling around for the same last name as mine and an aunt gave him this number.

We started dating again. However, unknown to me, this man was very ill.

He stopped taking his medicine or ran out of meds, not sure.

Well, this changed the way that he acted and reacted to things.

All of a sudden I was dating a stranger, a mean violent, even perverted stranger.

He beat me, using martial art, akido moves.

He gave me a concussion and even more hurts that I'll not mention here.

At the same time, he began saying nasty things about my oldest daughter and what he wanted to do to her. Before I could get away from him he actually said some of these things to her.

While he was beating on me, this same child attacked him trying to get him off of me and he threw her across the room, slamming her into the wall.

I had tried to call my mother and he jerked the phone from the wall.

I got me and the girls away asap and signed charges on him.

He never showed up and I guess he still has a warrant on him here. His mother died, I guess he went back to Texas. I wish he had stayed there to begin with.

~~~

I've already told you about my sister.

Her problems stem from drugs.

Pot, pills, meth as well as whatever other things she can get a hold of.

She's two years younger than me and looks at least 15 years older than me now.

I love her and I miss my sister being the sister I know.

I wish things were different for her, but I know there is nothing I can really do but pray for her to help her be better.

~~~

Well, even though this has been hard, I've known since I found my voice that I would have to tell it. (Thank you LM for nudging my courage to do so along.)

I can only hope now that it might make some difference for someone else and their life.

If you are being abused and have a hard time talking to men about something like this, talk to your Relief Society President, she will know or find out how to help you.

That's what I did, I went to her first.

Edited March 16, 2009 by GingerGolden

[foreverafter]

GingerGolden,

I am speechless & so sorry that you had to go through all those things. You must be one of the most valiant in heaven, who volunteered to go to that family even though they were that way. I'm so amazed how strong you are to go through so much for so long & still be able to talk about it, identify it all, learn from it & even be working to forgive those who did it to you. You will be able to help so many with your willingness to share your story. Your Grandmother, Father & Ex-husband will spend eternity regretting & being sorry what they did to you. As you seek to love & help others avoid these things you will one day have the husband of your dreams. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences.

[countrygirl66]

Your grandmother sounds so much like my stepmother. I wish I could understand why they do that. I haven't had contact in many years with her, but she still pops into my head from time to time. I wonder sometimes if a person chooses to be evil. Because I don't know what else would describe trying to destroy another person. I hope you find the answers you are looking for. Take care

[lilered]

This is a tragedy.

People who have never been in abusive relationships have no understanding how its dynamics make it extremely hard tto break out of it. They think, as these jurors did, that the abused spouse, usually the woman, is at fault because she did not get help. They have no idea there are reasons for this that are impossible to explain to other people.

The fear of your abuser never goes away, and it is easier to put up with the abuse then to leave it, and live in terror of the day he will come back. My mother tried at least three times that I can remember, but we always went back, and the entire time we were gone she lived in stark terror.

In 1975, after twenty years of abuse, my mother finally left my father and moved from California to Utah. He called me twice after that, and all I could do was agree with everything he said about my mother, becaues even 4,000 miles away he terrified me.

A few months after this my mother called to tell me he had suicided. My first thought was that he was tricking her so he could pop up and take his revenge. Until I calmed down, I thought he might even show up at my door.

When the reality hit that he was really gone, the relief I felt was palpable. To know this man could never hurt us again was unbelievable, and it actually took me a few years to accept it was real. But my immediate relief never went away.

Thirty years later I have much empathy for my father, monster that he was. I understand there are reasons he did what he did, even though that doesn't excuse it. I don't necessarily wish he hadn't killed himself, because the thought of being in the same room with him nauseates me.

But I do know that abusers are human beings who have been profoundly hurt in their own lives, usually as children. I even struggled with it in my own life, and that is very hard for me to admit.

I'm not excusing them at all. I don't even know what I'm saying, except that abuse is not as black and white as it seems. It is insidious and it destroys human beings. And I am not at all surprised this woman killed her ex-husband, and based on what you explained, it was self-defense.

Elphaba

Elpha: Not to add fuel to the fire, but you may find it interesting to also know, there were only 4 men on the jury. All of the women, immediatly voted for 2 nd degree murder when the jury first entered deliberation, which blew me away. Most of the debate came from the men on the jury, who thought the woman should be given a light sentence if any, and eventually after several hours, mutual agreement was reached for manslaughter. It did not help the womans case when the jury learned that she was known to always carry a knife, and had made prior threats towards others when she would drink. There also was no doubt that the murder victim had physicially and mentally abused her many times in their association.