Heavy Question

[HelpAnon]

In advance, I will warn you, this is a heavy topic. It is something that I haven't ever discussed with anyone regarding sexual abuse and am struggling to know where to turn and what, if anything, I should do about it. I thought I would come here anonymously just to get some advice.

To start off, I am a 27 year old male. I grew up in the church, my family has always been active. I grew up in rural Utah and when I was 8-9, my parents went to SLC to attend a concert and I stayed with my aunt, uncle and cousin who lived in the area. My cousin is 2-3 years older than I. While there he sexually molested me. Made me watch pornographic movies, etc. Bad times. I remember almost nothing else, but those memories did stick. I had no idea what it was at the time. I was 9 and had no idea what any of that stuff was. I never told a soul. I pretty much forgot about it. It was just a one time thing thankfully. It came up in my mind rarely over the years, not even when I would see him at reunions and what not would I think about it. He grew up, went on a mission. We even exchanged letters as his mission was winding down, and I was preparing for mine. While on his mission, the last few weeks, he got a lady pregnant and was promptly excommunicated. He now rejoined the church, got married and has a son of his own.

Since then, my life has been great! I went on a mission, came back, graduated from college, married in the temple and am now working and enjoying life. Only in the last year have I been looking into my past to heal. I have gone to a therapist and have been diagnosed with ADHD. Knowing that and knowing how my mind works has helped tremendously in my personal and work life. After seeing the results, I am really just curious if that childhood experience is something you just deal with and realize that it is my personal challenge on this earth. Beyond the basic disdain for the actions, I hold no grudges with my cousin or his family. Again, this is something that I have never told anyone.

More than anything, where should I go from here? I have never really dealt with anything like this and don't really know how to handle this kind of thing. What have your experiences been regarding any aspect of the processes? Any thoughts you have is greatly appreciated.

Thanks for the help, it means a lot to me!

[Dravin]

Is your position the following, I have forgiven, but the pain still lingers and are asking what you can do about it? Are you asking why did this happen to me? Something else entirely? Am I being obtuse?

[Gwen]

are you worried he will abuse his son?

[HelpAnon]

@ Dravlin - Well, maybe being obtuse might help, who knows? I don't really dwell on why it happened to me. I am just curious about dealing with it so that there aren't any underlying issues in my life. The way I see it, whatever he did, whatever has been done is in the past. That is for he and the Lord to deal with, it's in His hands. For me, I just want to know some things that may help in dealing with it so it doesn't have any adverse effects in my life. I don't really even know how it could even affect my life in the future, or if it already has in other ways.

@ Gwen - I hope not, but that never really crossed my mind. I would hope that he has had it worked out with everything he has gone through. But that may not be the best way to deal with it, to idly sit by and hope it doesn't happen. What would you suggest?

Edited March 31, 2009 by HelpAnon

[Gwen]

it doesn't sound like it is effecting you (unless you are completely blocking things out), i'm not sure what you feel you need to deal with or work though. i personally can't imagine something like that not effecting me but everyone is different. does your wife know about it, does she think it's effecting you?

[Moksha]

HelpAnon, sometimes it is useful to get some short term counseling to to help work out any lingering guilt or anger issues. Forgiveness is great, but these other items are your issues that need to be addressed.

[beefche]

I'm a little unclear on something. When you say you were sexually abused, do you mean physically (no details needed)? From your OP, I was under the impression that the sexual abuse was from viewing pornography.

Without knowing much about this, I'm a little conflicted. On the one hand, if a child is in ANY danger, then I think as adults we have an obligation to report it and try to prevent it. However, an individual has a right to change and we need to allow him to change and not bring up the issue on a constant basis.

So, I would suggest you review what the abuse is in a manner that will help this man's young child in case there is a chance of repeating that abuse. If you truly believe that there is no danger, then short term counseling might be a good way to completely rid yourself of any lingering doubt.

[HelpAnon]

@ beefche -physically as well.

[Blessed2bLDS]

I had to realize that what happened to me was not my fault or something that I could control. I also had to realize that there was nothing (my uncle was dead, died as a teen two years after molesting me) I could do, legally or personally, so there was no reason to allow it to have control over my life. I asked Heavenly Father to help the images to fade away and to help me to move past it. I have been blessed that I have done just that. I was hard and I was angry (I told) at my father and his side of the family for not believing me, but I had to let that go. I didn't want my anger, hurt and confusion to be reflected in how I was with my children. I also would like to add that I didn't even try to move past this until I became a member of the church. Living the gospel put the desire in my heart to let it go, heal and move on. I don't know if any of what I said helped, but that is what I did.

[Just_A_Guy]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but . . .

I understand you have already been seeing a therapist. If I may be very bold: Did you have these memories before you started seeing the therapist? There was a nationwide issue about fifteen years ago with "repressed memories" that turned out to have been implanted by careless (or worse) mental health professionals.

Assuming that you're confident the memories are real: I have little useful advice. Based on what you say about your current life status, it sounds like you've been "handling" your trials very well so far. Keep the channels open with your therapist . . . that kind of thing.

If you're asking whether you should press criminal charges against your cousin . . . I can't begin to address that one.

[Maya]

If I were you I would face him with the problem, maybe with a therapist or something.... bishop... he was just a few years older than you. It may be he did not understand himself what it really was about. You could start with telling him that you come with peace, not to tear down, but to build, but you need him to apologise you.

I think you may be needing an apology from him. Looks like he does have problems on the sexual site... since he fell.

[Guest missingsomething]

I think talking about it is going to help - I would say talk to someone with knowledge of the gospel. Sometimes just getting it out can help. A therapist based in the gospel will be good. I'd suggest also taking this to your bishop if nothing else. Finally - take it to the temple and "give it to Heavenly Father". If you feel there are lingering effects - speak up- and get help immediately.

[NeuroTypical]

Only in the last year have I been looking into my past to heal. I have gone to a therapist and have been diagnosed with ADHD. Knowing that and knowing how my mind works has helped tremendously in my personal and work life. After seeing the results, I am really just curious if that childhood experience is something you just deal with and realize that it is my personal challenge on this earth.

A few random thoughts:

* You ain't alone. There are umpteen tons of people with similar stories to tell.

* You aren't crazy. Or to put it differently, every year that goes by, we learn more and more about how an overwhelming or traumatic event in childhood can alter the way a growing brain forms.

* We all have different challenges. Looks like you find yourself getting a grasp on some of your challenges. "Just deal with it" is a dismissive phrase that says your issues aren't important. No, they are important. Yes, you do need to learn how to deal with these issues. Yes indeed you can, but that word "just" doesn't really belong.

* LDS Social Services rocks. (At least here in the Colorado Springs area it does, and I assume it rocks in other places as well.) The folks who work there get it. They've been trained to help.

Good luck!

LM

[Guest queries]

One of my concerns here has been touched on already - your cousin's health and mental stability (someone asked if you were concerned that he would molest his own son). He very likely has pornography problems etc, and I wonder if *he* has dealt with his issues like you have.

Congratulations by the way on having your head on straight in spite of this terrible event. I'm with Loudmouth, be sure you don't dismiss what happened to you. It's an outrage for any child to go through it, you included. The fact that it was "only once" or that you got over it and had a great life does not lighten the injustice that was done to that 9 year old child.