Not attracted to wife

[Guest queries]

LOL, I think that the worst possible way I could approach my wife about looks or weight would be, "Sweetie, I'm starting to be more attracted to other women than I am to you." If I wanted to dig the knife even deeper, I'd mention names and start pointing out girls that I thought were better looking than her.

You hit it right on the head, Faded, when you said if you're attracted to someone else more than her, you've strayed from the Lord. And I didn't say "more than you." If that makes it any better.

But that's the whole issue, you're trying to make this YOUR problem, something that's not right with YOU, that you want to remedy. And she's twisting it, making it about her. That's what frustrates me in the communication department on this one. Why can't she say, "Boy, that must be annoying. Why do you think? What are you going to do about it?" Instead of saying, "How could you do this to me? What's wrong with me?" So maybe it really is a communication issue.

[RachelleDrew]

I know Will, and you're wrong. He has two eyebrows. He just shaves off the top one.

See? He DOES care about his appearance!

ROFL

You kill me sometimes.

[RachelleDrew]

Well....he's not my type, but, I would say that he is very fit. We hit the gym 4-5 days a week and he takes good care of himself. But cute.....mmmm, not sure about that one.

I feel compelled to defend my friend here. He does love his wife and is an honorable man. He is concerned about the feelings he is having and just isn't sure what to do about it. He is not bashing his wife, he's just a bit confused. Oh and before you suggest that he go to the gym with his wife instead of me, he has already tried....no interest. Maybe she just wants to do it on her own.Probably a bit embarrassed.

Of course you should defend your friend! I hope it didn't seem like I was saying you shouldn't, i'm not the best with wording things sometimes.

He doesn't seem like a bad guy or anything, it's just that without knowing him personally we have to look at it from every single angle in order to give suggestions.

One of the possibilities that exist is that he may be unattractive himself and due to his low self-esteem is taking it out on his wife subconsciously. Since you've mentioned he's in good shape himself and may even possibly be hot then that's not the case.

I just want to emphasize that I don't think he's a jerk or anything. As someone who is quite vain herself, I can generally tell when someone else is too. He doesn't seem to be.

Has your friend spoken to his wife yet? Any progress?

[Soul_Searcher]

I really feel its important to look good for your spouse. I spend a lot of time and effort on my appearance because it makes me me feel confident and my husband finds me attractive. If I stopped caring then what does that say about our relationship and how I feel about him? Unless of course I was ill or something. I have put on about a stone since we got married which worries me. I am working hard to get it off even tho my hubby says I'm sexy.

He on the other hand is probably a stone and a half overweight. You wouldnt really know, its mostly on his stomach. Bu he doesnt really seem bothered about it or have any plans to lose weight. I am attracted to him but if he was bigger, I would still love him as the same person but I would not like it if he was fat. I can't help it. A toned body shows a healthy mind as well as body. Of course I would still love him tho. And I do tell him he should do something about it. He knows but is too lazy too really lol

[Misshalfway]

Well....he's not my type, but, I would say that he is very fit. We hit the gym 4-5 days a week and he takes good care of himself. But cute.....mmmm, not sure about that one.

I feel compelled to defend my friend here. He does love his wife and is an honorable man. He is concerned about the feelings he is having and just isn't sure what to do about it. He is not bashing his wife, he's just a bit confused. Oh and before you suggest that he go to the gym with his wife instead of me, he has already tried....no interest. Maybe she just wants to do it on her own.Probably a bit embarrassed.

I get the whole idea of not being attracted to someone who is grossly overweight. If my husband were 100 pounds over, I would have issues too and I don't blame men who aren't happy about such weight gain in their wives.

Now....do I think that all men deserve a bombshell? I think when a man, or woman for that matter, limits themselves with such slim definitions of what is sexually attractive or what they need to have a satisfying sexual experience, then I do believe that the problem lies within that person.

It is very rare that any of us, men or women, retain our youthful attractiveness. I think what happens is that we change, and hopefully we manage those changes with healthful practice. But sometimes it just doesn't go that way. Sometimes our spouses run into themselves and their own weakness and sometimes part of love is passing through those seasons of imperfection in supportive ways.

So, bytor, to your friend I would completely validate your friends feelings. He doesn't sound like a bad guy to me at all. What I do see is an opportunity for your friend to grow. I don't suppose I could really say what ways he needs examine himself and his sexual expectations or ways he and his wife need to improve. Many on this thread have given great insight on that score.

Maybe he needs to learn patience as his wife struggles with herself for a bit. Maybe he needs to learn to find satisfaction when things aren't ideal. Maybe he needs to learn that blessings come when we don't have everything we think we want and deserve. Maybe he needs to expand his mind to broader definition of what is sexually attractive and maybe he needs to learn to be a better friend to his wife in order to help her love herself more.

As far as I can see, it is her turn to struggle. Soon it will be his turn. It may not be weight. Heck, he may have some devastating setback and turn to twinkies and chips to comfort his soul.

The trick in this life is learning to deal with change and imperfection and unmet expectations in more Godly ways. And here is a perfect opportunity for your friend to learn.

[lilered]

Ok faded and all you husbands out there, I am going to solve the riddle for you in a way that makes you look like the compassionate, loving family man that you are.

My husband and I have had this conversation in the painful ways described by many. Shortly thereafter we found an amazing book that completely validated his perspective on the matter:

His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, by Willard F Harley

This book goes through ten typical emotional needs for men and women in a marriage. They are usually different for each, and each usually has 5 of the needs. So for example, I might emotionally need my husband to be 1) a good provider; 2) helpful around the house; 3) affectionate; 4) conversational; and 5) my recreational companion... while his emotional needs from me are 1) sexual fulfillment; 2) honesty and openness; 3) keeping myself attractive; 4) admiration; and 5) domestic support (ie taking primary care of the house/kids).

So here is the solution. You buy the book and bring it home, maybe a copy for each of you, and say, "Honey, I love you. I want to be sure I am meeting your emotional needs, and that we are each meeting each others emotional needs, so that our marriage will continue to be wonderful. Can we read this book together so that I can love you in the way you need to be loved?" And voila. You go from there.

I won't go into my set of problems that has evolved from this. I think it's generally an excellent solution.

I have to agree with the basis above. Women have different needs and desires than men as pointed out. It takes a lot of effort from both to make a great marriage and caring enough for each others needs to make the effort to fulfill them.

In the case of the woman, most women do have a tendency to gain weight during pregnancy, but not all continue to pack it around afterwards. No different than we men who continue to get a larger beer gut the older we get. It is much wiser to be physicially and mentally responsible the older we get and to keep ourselves attractive.

[nc31410]

The man should talk to his wife about it. Maybe she feels unatractive and is worried about her weight. In that case He should be of some support and go work out with her. That way she doesn't feel like its all her fault for the unattractiveness feeling in the relationship. If they work out together it shows her that he wants whats best for her. And he will see that she wants that sexual attraction with him. and its a WIN WIN situation!!

[secks]

I have a friend at church who has shared with me that he is no longer attracted to his wife. He doesn't want a divorce and is not planning to leave, he is just not physically attracted to her anymore.

What changed? He said she has gained a lot of weight and just doesn't take care of herself anymore. I think he feels pretty miserable about it.

What do you do when this happens? I am guessing that if he had gained a lot of weight and didn't take care of himself very well, she might feel the same. Any advice?

Divorce is always the answer.

[Elphaba]

I'm wondering if Bytor is talking about himself. You know how in those "I have a friend. . . " questions, the friend is always imaginary?

Just wondering.

Just kidding too.

Elphaba

[talisyn]

I'm wondering if Bytor is talking about himself. You know how in those "I have a friend. . . " questions, the friend is always imaginary?

Just wondering.

Just kidding too.

Elphaba

No don't say that! I was gonna ask a question about a friend and now I can't

[gabelpa]

Divorce is always the answer.

Not within mainstream Mormonism it's not. We're not married until death, we are married eternally. It gets a bit sticky when people don't feel attracted to their spouse, but weight can be overcome. There may be deeper underlying issues.

Heck, I can't even fit into my old motorcycle leathers any more, by a good margin. It could affect my wife's feelings for me, but she doesn't allow it. Attraction is a choice we can make, just the same as anything else in life.

[Guest missingsomething]

Bytor...

Do you have an update on this?

[bytor2112]

I'm wondering if Bytor is talking about himself. You know how in those "I have a friend. . . " questions, the friend is always imaginary?

Just wondering.

Just kidding too.

Elphaba

Thanks for your concern!! It is actually not me...but it IS an imaginary friend:)

[Misshalfway]

You made me say all that for an imaginary friend? Geesh. Next time I will just say...."People get fat. Get over it! :)

[minemouse]

thank u

[Robert_Mason]

Actually he's in a tough spot, if he were to just one day pipe up, "Honey, I don't find you attractive anymore." that I don't think would go over very well. However, at least in my mind it could be a legitimate issue he can't just tap himself on the back of the head and make himself attracted to her. My guess would be to suggest getting in shape together or trying to get her to go to more physical activities with him. "Honey, want to go swimming with me? It'd be great for our hearts." would go over better than the above I imagine. Diet can be another issue, "Honey, I think we should start eating more whole grains and less McDonalds." as opposed to, "If you eat another Big Mac I think I'm gonna be sick."

That could be an example of mind games though, and I hate mind games.

I don't think these would be considered mind games. Weight issues are, actually, probably the easiest to get around. Whether someone is overweight or underweight, you can quite honestly claim that it's going to be harmful to them, and so long as you don't have a history of being an appearances-obsessed idiot, you should be in the clear.

Well, they say men are are more visually wired than women when it comes to attraction. That said, the rear end doesn't affect whether I love them or not its just one of the variables in getting my motor revved. *Rwoar* and "I love you." are two different things one is mostly a physical response the other emotional. I can think *rwoar* of people I don't love and think, "I love you." to people I don't think *rwoar*.

Exactly. Add this to the "List of Things People Need to be Taught."

Well, to be quite blunt and Gentile about the matter, maybe he should drag her off to the bedroom more often and they can work it off together!

Sounds like a winner to me!

They are a couple and well, sometimes you have to add oil to the car to keep it running.

Made of WIN and LOL, and sound advice, too. And the last is wonderfully quotable! Sounds almost like the advice of an old sage, except that the metaphor actually makes sense.

Please tell me a right way to say, "I think you're fat and I really wish you would lose some weight." <-- That is the short, simple and completely honest truth that so many men want to say. Many will spend years and years wanting to broach the subject. But they do not dare say a thing, for fear of having their throats slit while they sleep.

I do not think there is any possible way to state that truth without making a woman go completely ballistic. If women would be so kind as to provide the magical combination of words for the men in their lives, then the men in their lives won't have to go crazy in silence, wanting to say something but knowing they can't, for fear of slow and painful death.

If any woman can answer this riddle, she will be praised and adored by men for all-time, for she will have accomplished a feat that is truly impossible. She will have solved, the ULTIMATE RIDDLE.

Don't mention the weight. Mention the health, and say that you're getting a bit unhealthy, too, so maybe she'd like to go jogging with you? Or, better yet, if you think she'd agree, only mention your unhealthiness, and ask if she'd like to go jogging with you, to help support you.

[talisyn]

Perfect, RobertM. Most women who are chubby know this. Implying the problem is not with them and asking for help is also good tactics for many other etiquette dilemmas.

[glow_inthe_dark_girl]

Tell him to think that in resurrection his wife would have a perfect body ... Just kidding.

I know that appearance is important, you won´t marry someone you dont like, I think he should tell his wife something like "hey, I think we should go to the gym together" or "I just read an article in a magazine saying... " or even tell her about the word of wisdom, which includes a good diet...

But your friend needs to think that physical atraction is not everything...

We all going to be old and changed....

[lilered]

As information only, and not to start a food fight. The other morning I happened upon a bit of information concerning pregnant mothers. A recent study indicated that 65% of women are already overweight prior to becoming pregnant. During pregancy, these same women have a tendency to gain upwards of 20lbs additionally prior to birthing. Afterwards, the have a tendency to retain part of the weight gained during pregancy and the cycle repeats itself with each birth.

[ztodd]

Can you imagine a fat Adam and Eve or Jesus Christ? I can't.

Don't know about that, but...

Isa 53:2 For he shall grow up before him as a tender plant, and as a root out of a dry ground: he hath no form nor comeliness; and when we shall see him, there is no beauty that we should desire him.