Divorced, Dating and kids

[comebackkid]

I am a 28 year old with 3 kids (9, 7, 7). About six months ago my divorce was final. The kids are adjusting fairly well. I have not been dating or seeking it out. However, I would like to soon.

My question is regarding the appropriateness of when to get kids involved. If I find someone that I like, when is it appropriate to have them meet my kids and possible do activities together, like a zoo outing? If this person also has kids is it appropriate to have activities with all the kids? I have learned from my non-member siblings that introducing new people in their kids lives confuses the kids. Should I keep my new 'relationship' between me and that special woman until I know it is certain she is the one? I know its also bad to keep things from kids. Maybe the best is to let them know I am dating but leave it at that? Advice?

[Guest Alana]

I was raised my just my dad from the time I was 4-10, at 10 he remarried. During those years he dated, but the only time I was introduced to his dates was when they became very serious. Sometimes we went out with friends who were single parents and had kids and we did activities together, and it was really fun. I had no idea if they were dating or not, because it was never presented that way, it was just us going out with friends to do something. Looking back, even though I know my dad dated a lot, I didn't know about it much and it was better that way. When he met the women who he ended up marrying (my fabulous wonder 'mom') I met her once they were 'boyfriend girlfriend' and we all went and did something together, and she came to my birthday party, but I didn't get to know her that well until they were engaged. Makes sense, why do the kids need to have a relationship with someone who might leave their life soon? Your dating is a time for you to get to know the person, your kids can get to know them well once your engaged. If you really want to do stuff all together, a group activity with other people involved, too (bbq's, birthday parties) will probably make it easy for the kids.

[NeuroTypical]

A lot of variables. Who has the custody? How does the visitation work? How 'fairly well' is the adjusting really going, and what will happen when dad gets a new girlfriend? How many girlfriends dad have before he marries one?

I dunno. My general answer to any specific question like this is: "whatever is best for the kids". I know that someone new can be added to their lives that will be a blessing to them (and to you). I also know that there's a lot of grief divorced people can rain down on their kids that make life a lot harder for them and increase the chances of bad things happening. My advice? Put them first.

LM

Edited July 18, 2009 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Guest JoshDwellington]

a lot of my friends saw their parents divorce, and as you may know it wasn't always easy . . .

But it's even harder to see someone (parents' new girlfriend/boyfriend) leave, when they've already created an emotional bond.

Well there's this guy in my ward, he told he dated this single mom like 5 yrs ago.

He got along very well with the kids, and they saw him as the new dad.

Unfortunately it didn't work all that well b/w the guy and the mom, and the kids had to go through " another break up " (his words)

But spending time with both kids and new g/f or b/f is better when you both agree your relationship is serious.

[bytebear]

I am not going to be popular for my answer, but I agree with Dr. Laura when she says you shouldn't date until the kids are 18. You will have enough on your plate without adding potential drama to their lives.

[pam]

You are right. You won't be popular. When your oldest is only 9 years old..9 years to wait to date is a long time. Would you not be entitled to some social life and happiness waiting for those kids to turn 18?

[bytebear]

Social life, yes. dating, no. The kids need a mom who they know thinks more of them than a new boyfriend. Statistics show that second marriages end in divorce far more than firsts, and with children the stats go up. Raise the kids for 9 years and then get back in the dating scene. They don't need the added stress of a new man who will most likely not be there for the long haul. It's just a gamble I would not take.

[Jbs2763]

as a 30 yr old never married guy...i expect most of my dating prospects to come with youngins... i think i'd wanna get to know the kid as i get to know the mom, like not on the first date, but to a point when y'all start liking each other time for the kids to enter the picture

[pam]

Social life, yes. dating, no. The kids need a mom who they know thinks more of them than a new boyfriend. Statistics show that second marriages end in divorce far more than firsts, and with children the stats go up. Raise the kids for 9 years and then get back in the dating scene. They don't need the added stress of a new man who will most likely not be there for the long haul. It's just a gamble I would not take.

It's funny because when I divorced (my oldest was 9 years old), I had a friend (well still do) that was a Stake President at the time. The advise he gave to me was..wait one year after the divorce is final before dating again. Didn't say anything about waiting until they were 18 years old. His advise was that people are very vulnerable during that first year. I took his advise.

[ploomf]

The more I hear about Dr Laura's advise the more convinced I become that the woman is off her rocker.

[Guest JoshDwellington]

Social life, yes. dating, no. The kids need a mom who they know thinks more of them than a new boyfriend. Statistics show that second marriages end in divorce far more than firsts, and with children the stats go up. Raise the kids for 9 years and then get back in the dating scene. They don't need the added stress of a new man who will most likely not be there for the long haul. It's just a gamble I would not take.

I do understand your point

however the OP said his kids were 7-9yrs old, he'll be waiting forever !!

I have friends who are extremely happy with their stepdad, I know it's not always true tho.

Statistics also show that in some weatlhy countries, divorce rate ranges from 30-50%.

Main cause for divorce ? Marriage !

but that doesn't mean you should stop trying :)

[NeuroTypical]

The more I hear about Dr Laura's advise the more convinced I become that the woman is off her rocker.

Disagree. She isn't perfect, and her radio talk show format often isn't adequate to help resolve a caller's problems adequately, but most of the principles she nags about are the same ones I hear coming from our church leaders.

And she's also the only non-LDS nationally syndicated AM personality I'm aware of, who has read an entire article from the Ensign to her audience.

LM

[ViolinGirl]

I think it's better to casually date without involving the kids. The children shouldn't be involved in the new relationship until you are ready to be engaged. A woman with a kind and loving heart will want to spare your children from the heartache of another break-up and she won't mind waiting to meet them until the time is right. The same goes for you...don't get involved with her kids until your relationship is marriage material. The children should always come first.

[Guest]

Call me old-fashioned, but I agree with Dr. Laura.

But, let me qualify. If this was me, then I would completely remove myself out of the dating game and concentrate 100% of my attention to my kids. Remember, they are the victims of this situation that they had no control over. If my prince happens to find me regardless, then he can figure out how to win me while I'm helping the kids with their homework, doing their laundry, making them home-cooked meals, rushing to and from their myriad sports games, driving the car pool van, all while making ends meet with a full-time job... And no, this is not a job just for the mom who ended up with the kids!!!

[Guest Alana]

I understand the ideology of not dating at all while being a single parent. I also think there are many cases where blessing of an eternal family are given up because that single parent isn't willing to see a worthy person who may be interested in them.

Divorce and the drama of dating as a rule aren't good for kids. With that said, I'm so glad my parents got divorced when I was 4 and that my dad remarried a wonderful women when I was 10, I'm so grateful we were all able to be sealed together.

If done right, dating can be a blessing, even if you have kids.

[bytebear]

Well, maybe I am biased. Heck, I know I am. My cousin (who is really like my sister) is getting a divorce from her second husband. She quit her job, moved to another state, gave up her friends, her ward, everything. Her soon to be ex husband is a nice enough guy, a temple worthy husband, and she is also temple worthy, but he had two kids from his first marriage. and she has a son from her first, and they simply could not get things to work out in discipline, time and attention to each of the kids. Both parents struggle to put their kids first and ended up neglecting each other and the other's kids. Now things are getting nasty, and both are struggling with not being mean to each other. He may be disfellowshipped over some actions he has taken to make things very hard for her. So, I think Dr. Laura is right on. Kids deserve the parents attention, and don't need the drama of another person to compete with for affection. It just has the potential for so much heartache and bad feelings.

[ploomf]

I'll admit I haven't hear much of Dr Laura's advise but what I have heard I don't like. Eh to each his own though. I don't think parents though should have to wait till their kids are 18 to start dating. I do think you should take some time after the divorce and just let yourself heal, heck after every major break up I've had (all two of them) I've taken some time and just dated myself. I think you need to be careful to make sure your kids are getting enough attention and don't introduce them to every new dating partner you have. If it does get serious couples counseling for yourself and your new partner would probably be helpful to. But I think it can be done. I don't think parents should have to put their life on hold until their kids turn 18.

[Jbs2763]

Disagree. She isn't perfect, and her radio talk show format often isn't adequate to help resolve a caller's problems adequately, but most of the principles she nags about are the same ones I hear coming from our church leaders.

And she's also the only non-LDS nationally syndicated AM personality I'm aware of, who has read an entire article from the Ensign to her audience.

LM

dave ramsey has read out of New Era

[Jbs2763]

I'll admit I haven't hear much of Dr Laura's advise but what I have heard I don't like. Eh to each his own though. I don't think parents though should have to wait till their kids are 18 to start dating. I do think you should take some time after the divorce and just let yourself heal, heck after every major break up I've had (all two of them) I've taken some time and just dated myself. I think you need to be careful to make sure your kids are getting enough attention and don't introduce them to every new dating partner you have. If it does get serious couples counseling for yourself and your new partner would probably be helpful to. But I think it can be done. I don't think parents should have to put their life on hold until their kids turn 18.

i haven't heard any that i DO like...granted i can only take her for about 3 seconds before im aiming my car for an bridge abunkment, tree, oncoming semi, or the nearest cliff

[Guest]

i haven't heard any that i DO like...granted i can only take her for about 3 seconds before im aiming my car for an bridge abunkment, tree, oncoming semi, or the nearest cliff

I haven't heard too many of her shows, but from what I've heard, we share almost the same ideals. But, the impression I got is she is very "abrupt" with her callers - almost to the point of disrespectully condescending, and she used the "P" word (the other word for "privates")! That turned me off!

[lilered]

Social life, yes. dating, no. The kids need a mom who they know thinks more of them than a new boyfriend. Statistics show that second marriages end in divorce far more than firsts, and with children the stats go up. Raise the kids for 9 years and then get back in the dating scene. They don't need the added stress of a new man who will most likely not be there for the long haul. It's just a gamble I would not take.

I may be out on a limb here, but I don't think he is looking to date a new boyfriend!

[comebackkid]

Well one thought that comes to mind, is that when I grew up raised by a single mother and (by no intentional fault of her own) did not have a father figure in my life. I feel as parents it is our responsibility to set an example. My kids need to know how two adults can work together as family and if I remain single until they move out then they will not know what its like to have parents in the same house (though not both biological) that can make it work. Thoughts?

[Laureltree]

Well I can tell you from my experience... Once I started dating I dated to find the person who fit me, once I knew it was serious and we were talking marriage I introduced them to my kids. you dont want to introduce your kids to everyone you date, but you also need time to make sure this relationship will work with them and your kids...its not all about you....Ive seen people do it that way and its created major problems when the spouse and there kids dont get along.....and date for awhile.... people go through a faze where they look perfect and treat your kids different when you are not aware.....So put that person in different situations with your children, this will allow you to see there reactions on many levels with your children, and help you find the right spouse for you and your children......Just because there cute and hot.....doesnt mean they will love your kids with the compassion and underestanding, and boundaries you and your children will need.

After three years of dating I took what my home teacher told me to heart.... Date them for ever season and see how they do in the most stressful situations..because thats the person you are really marring :) just my two cents :)

[Maureen]

Those are very wise words, Laureltree.

[Wants2Know]

After I got divorced, and my former husband introduced our son, then 7, to his new girlfriend, my son started asking me when I was going to get a boyfriend. I promised myself that I would not be one of those people who introduced different suitors to my son. I was less worried about him getting confused, than getting attached and hurt. He would worry about me though, wondering if I "had someone" like Daddy did. (He's such a sweetheart). If I was dating someone regularly, and he knew I was going out, I would tell him that I had a date... and that when and if someone was good enough to meet him they would, and that thus far no one was good enough. My intention was to make him feel special that he wasn't meeting anyone, rather than left out. It was maybe a year and a half before he ever met the man I decided I would marry and have a child with. I really kept the "dating" on the low and he only knew if I'd slipped about it in front of him or he heard a phone conversation - and I tried to answer his questions directly and honestly. We also had several conversations about what were "grown up" worries and concerns vs. what his concerns should be as a child.. i.e. what to ask Santa for Christmas or who to play with that afternoon. It's not an easy road. Good luck!