Can I have everyone's attention?

[pam]

This quote was posted in the daily WOW but I think it deserving to be put in a forum that more will read. It is something that all of us (including myself) need to read and to ponder on.

My brothers and sisters, let us bind up the wounds-oh, the many wounds that have been caused by cutting words, by stubbornly cultivated grievances, by scheming plans to ‘get even’ with those who may have wronged us. We all have a little of this spirit of revenge in us. Fortunately, we all have the power to rise above it, if we will ‘clothe [ourselves] with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.’ (D&C 88:125.)”

Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Jun 1991, 2

[Palerider]

Like I said in the other thread.....all of us here need to see and read this ....we all need to apply it even here at LDS.net

[WmLee]

Very nice thought and quote! Thank you.

[NeuroTypical]

But what about the guy whose cutting words come merely from his abrasive personality? I've never bothered cultivating grievances or seeking revenge...

LM

(yeah, yeah. I know - this applies to me too.)

[Palerider]

But what about the guy whose cutting words come merely from his abrasive personality? I've never bothered cultivating grievances or seeking revenge...

LM

(yeah, yeah. I know - this applies to me too.)

Bingo:)

[pam]

You know..I've had an experience recently on the board where I and another poster exchanged some harsh words to each other in pm's. But once I gained an understanding of what was going on in this poster's life..I have a much greater appreciation for that person.

I think that can go a long way on this site.

[jmcic]

thanx pam love the quote can't go wrong with Pres. Hinckley

[KrazyKay]

Thank you Pam... I also get the DailyWOW in my email, but this one is important enough it's worth reading multiple times and applying to our daily lives.

[Palerider]

do a little bump...:)

[Mahone]

do a little bump...:)

Threadomancer! Ban him!

[Palerider]

Threadomancer! Ban him!

yes....I agree....:)

[pam]

Threadomancer! Ban him!

Oh can I? Can I?

[Tough Grits]

My brothers and sisters, let us bind up the wounds-oh, the many wounds that have been caused by cutting words, by stubbornly cultivated grievances, by scheming plans to ‘get even’ with those who may have wronged us. We all have a little of this spirit of revenge in us. Fortunately, we all have the power to rise above it, if we will ‘clothe [ourselves] with the bond of charity, as with a mantle, which is the bond of perfectness and peace.’ (D&C 88:125.)”

Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Jun 1991, 2

My problem is not in "scheming" in order to "get even". Instead, I have difficulty letting people back into my life who have repeatedly hurt me.

There have been quite a few that I have allowed back into my life---on a limited basis---but there are a few that I just can't be around too much any more because they never fail to hurt or injure.

I realize, as Loudmouth seemed to indicate, that some people are just "abrasive"---or whatever---by nature. But does that mean that I have to subject myself to that type of personality if it strips me of joy and of the Spirit?

This is more of an out-loud question. It is something that I think about all the time. I have learned to forgive, but I still find myself distancing myself from those who just can't play nice.

[Palerider]

Is it possible to distance yourself and to not be vindictive or disrespectful????

[Tough Grits]

Is it possible to distance yourself and to not be vindictive or disrespectful????

I don't know, which is why this question is something that I reflect upon quite often. But your comment hits the nail on the head of what I am struggling with.

Example: I still smile at these people that I am distancing myself from when our eyes make contact, I speak when spoken to, and I have no malice in my heart for them.

I just don't encourage or seek prolonged conversation or contact with them, or invite them over to dinner.

We are told that we can choose which direction we will go, but we cannot choose the consequence of that choice.

Somebody hurts me repeatedly--->the consequences is that I distance myself.

I distance myself from them--->the consequence is that they may be hurt by my distance, if they even notice it in the first place.

On another thread the discussion was raised about the "ranking" of sin. I think the most important sin that we must combat in our lives, is the one that preys upon our greatest weakness.

I do not commit any of the major sins that most people think of, but I worry that I lack charity when I distance myself from others. Which, is a big thing to lack or to fail to display towards others.

So, how do I display appropriate charity without repeatedly subjecting myself to cruel people?

I have spoken one-on-one with these two individuals. I have explained how their words and the things they do hurt. They still do them. So, do I have no recourse? Am I not allowed to choose those that I will allow into my inner circle?

Round and round I go.

[Moksha]

Have you ever noticed how very seldom those with Alzheimers hold grudges?

Edited August 16, 2009 by Moksha

[NeuroTypical]

Is it possible to distance yourself and to not be vindictive or disrespectful????

Distance without vindictiveness? Absolutely. My wife and I have distanced ourselves from her parents, because they are harmful to us, and dangers to our kids. My wife and I both have had to travel a difficult road to find forgiveness for them, but we traveled that road. Niether of us are vindictive. We both hope and pray that someday, they can be healthy enough to no longer be dangers to our kids.

Distance without respect? Well, that depends on what sort of respect you're talking about. We respect them as fellow sons and daughters of God, inheriters of divine birthrights. We share parts of my wife's upbringing with them that are edifying and positive with our kids. We honor them as parents, like the commandment says, and we love them like the other commandment says, to the best of our ability. But no, we have no respect (or tolerance) for their actions and harmful behaviors. Nor should we.

I guess a direct answer to your question is "Yes, it's possible, but sometimes it's dang hard. When people have done horrible things, it's important to find ways to respect them that do not condone their choices." How's that?

Have you ever noticed how very seldom those with Alzheimers hold grudges?

Yeah, it's one reason why physical and sexual abuse the elderly is so difficult to detect and stop.

LM

Edited August 18, 2009 by Loudmouth_Mormon

[Misshalfway]

My problem is not in "scheming" in order to "get even". Instead, I have difficulty letting people back into my life who have repeatedly hurt me.

There have been quite a few that I have allowed back into my life---on a limited basis---but there are a few that I just can't be around too much any more because they never fail to hurt or injure.

I realize, as Loudmouth seemed to indicate, that some people are just "abrasive"---or whatever---by nature. But does that mean that I have to subject myself to that type of personality if it strips me of joy and of the Spirit?

This is more of an out-loud question. It is something that I think about all the time. I have learned to forgive, but I still find myself distancing myself from those who just can't play nice.

I think my brain understands that its OK to set a boundary like detaching or even cutting people out of my life even if it means that they don't know it. And I say that because I am in a situation where I need to exit people from my life that need to stay in my H's and kids lives. So...cutting them off completely or moving to Zanzabar just isn't in the cards.

But my weakness comes when I get all forgiving and let my boundaries down and think that because they promise things have changed, that they really have. Sometimes I feel a great deal of pressure in mormon culture to forgive this way. I know it isn't right, but I admit that I haven't quite figured it out yet. Just recently I fell for the lines AGAIN and let a painful person closer to me.

You'd think I would learn.

I love the quote, though and the focus of putting our energies into binding up wounds. Too often I think a wound is caused and there is no one there to bind it up.

[Misshalfway]

Is it possible to distance yourself and to not be vindictive or disrespectful????

I was just thinking that one thing that is hard for me is when the painful person uses your distance to paint this picture of you and use it against you or to pressure you to change your position.

[Palerider]

Distance without vindictiveness? Absolutely. My wife and I have distanced ourselves from her parents, because they are harmful to us, and dangers to our kids. My wife and I both have had to travel a difficult road to find forgiveness for them, but we traveled that road. Niether of us are vindictive. We both hope and pray that someday, they can be healthy enough to no longer be dangers to our kids.

Distance without respect? Well, that depends on what sort of respect you're talking about. We respect them as fellow sons and daughters of God, inheriters of divine birthrights. We share parts of my wife's upbringing with them that are edifying and positive with our kids. We honor them as parents, like the commandment says, and we love them like the other commandment says, to the best of our ability. But no, we have no respect (or tolerance) for their actions and harmful behaviors. Nor should we.

I guess a direct answer to your question is "Yes, it's possible, but sometimes it's dang hard. When people have done horrible things, it's important to find ways to respect them that do not condone their choices." How's that?

Yeah, it's one reason why physical and sexual abuse the elderly is so difficult to detect and stop.

LM

I was asking my question to Grits to see if it was possible for her to do that. I wasn't asking for myself...however, thank you for your reply and I hope it helps others who may have a hard time with this.:)

[pam]

Have you ever noticed how very seldom those with Alzheimers hold grudges?

No Alzheimers jokes please.

[Moksha]

Yeah, it's one reason why physical and sexual abuse the elderly is so difficult to detect and stop.

LM

No Alzheimers jokes please.

:) The moral to this was meant to be, that the easiest way to forgive is to effectively forget about it.

Another moral is that communication through symbolism is fraught with misunderstanding.

[AtticusFinch]

what a great quote

[dazed-and-confused]

good timing on this, pam....i'd been here before but didnt post...this time i will.

we just had an emergency meeting at work pertaining to this very thing, in dealing with our students (for those of you who dont know, i work in a homeless shelter for veterans that also feeds and teaches the homeless community how to cook in order to find some work), all of whom have some serious "issues" to deal with and can, sometimes, deliberately and sometimes not deliberately, try ones patience.

think i'll post it on the wall for all at work....thanks.

[ryanh]

It's been a little over a year since Pam posted President Hinckley's quote. Perhpas it was just my expectations coloring my percpetions, but it seemed that shortly thereafter the general level of kindness and respect improved in posts on lds.net.

Real or not, it does seem to me that there has been creep back towards more base forms of communication. Is it just me, or has acerbic comments, and cutting witt - jabs guised as humor - been on the increase? Especially as of late? I know I'm not immune from the creep, and have found a need to check myself. Perhaps it's time for a reevaluation how we all treat our brothers and sisters.

Just my $0.02

[W]e need to be civil in our discourse and respectful in our interactions. This is especially true when we disagree. The Savior taught us to love even our enemies. The vast majority of our members heed this counsel. Yet there are some who feel that venting their personal anger or deeply held opinions is more important than conducting themselves as Jesus Christ lived and taught. I invite each one of us individually to recognize that how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior. It is appropriate to disagree, but it is not appropriate to be disagreeable.

Elder Quentin L. Cook Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles - We Follow Jesus Christ - General Conference, May, 2010

I especially note: "how we disagree is a real measure of who we are and whether we truly follow the Savior". So true! I want to be a better disciple. I want to improve how I correspond when I disagree with someone. If I offend anyone, please let me know via PM that I may know where I need to take corrective action.