Girls: Could you marry a guy like this?

[Maxel]

A question has been pressing on me lately. A good friend of mine really wants to get married, but isn't ready. He has a few psychological and emotional problems that make marriage difficult.

One of his main problems is that he's not very fiscally mature. He does all right when someone's there watching him and with him, but when he's on his own he's not able to really function. He knows he has these problems and is working on them, but because of his physical and spiritual makeup and things that happened to him in his youth he's not progressing very quickly. He has a difficult time holding down a job.

The question I have is: are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this? He really wants to do what's right and tries a lot, and is making progress. He'll never be someone who can provide a lot of material goods, and he'll always have emotional problems. Are there any women out there who would ever want to yoke themselves to a guy like that (I'm not asking to pass along names; he's just really depressed, thinking that he'll never be desirable).

[Dravin]

Must resist...

(Rolls 1 on will save).

Assuming both of them are 16 and not married any girl could marry him, its a question of would they.

are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this?

Considering there are women who marry and stay with men who beat them I'm sure there are. I think the main concern is not is there a woman out there who would be willing to marry him but that like attracts like (contrary to the old saw about opposites attract). So I'd be worried that he'd end up with somebody just as fiscally irresponsible or suffering from the same (in nature if not degree) emotional problems as himself and that could be disastrous.

Its kinda like the old joke about dumping a girl because she's not very good material and using the fact that she was willing to go out with you as evidence.

However things are a little bit skewed, we've just heard (mostly) his faults and alone they sound damning, but great flaws can be made up with as great or ever greater positive attributes. If his only problem is fiscal (not to down play it) but he is the most amazing person ever otherwise its perfectly plausible that he'll find a women (with her own flaws of course) the compliments or at least doesn't mind and aggravate his own.

[cofchristcousin]

I would say yes. Depression is temporary, and with proper care this state of mind is not a permanent condition. There may always be some degree of problem but most likely much of it will come under control. Also, Many people are late bloomers in the discipline of stewardship and loving themselves to the degree that they can healthily love a spouse. It takes time, Look at how many people rush into things before they are emotionally ready and it ends in a sad divorce. There is time for your friend to find his way. Things probably look a little bleaker to him due to his depression, but hope and love will come into his life as he heals and grows. imo

[beefche]

Yes, someone could and would love someone like this. I agree with cofchristcousin that depression is a treatable condition. It may be a life long struggle with ups and downs, but most of life is like that even for people who don't suffer from clinical depression.

Also, many, many people are fiscally irresponsible. They may not realize it, thinking that everyone has job problems or money problems, but they learn to deal with it and move on. I think knowing weaknesses is a first start to getting better about something. I have a friend who is married to a guy that cannot budget for the life of him. She is a penny pincher. After many years, they've finally found a way to work it out for them.

So, long answer is yes, I think a man like this can find a woman who will love, accept, and work with him.

[Maxel]

Well, this guy has some redeeming qualities, of course. But, in an adult relationship, if he's unable to provide it would put a serious strain on the marriage.

One of his biggest concerns isn't just fiscal immaturity, but also the fact that he's unable to hold down a job. The depression is always there but sometimes it gets really, really bad and he can't get to work because getting on a bus takes too much emotional effort, as does doing anything else.

I'm wondering if maybe some sort of serious, committed relationship would help him. I know (and he knows) that it's best not to look at marriage as a salve to heal wounds, but it's possible to conceive a loving wife would be able to have the patience and strength required to help him out when things get really tough.

I don't know. He's been one of my best friends since childhood, and he's always wanted to be married and have a healthy relationship. He's just fretting and getting down on himself so much...

[cofchristcousin]

Is your friend seeing a professional counselor? The low self worth thinking seems rather serious. A counselor can help with that, and if it isn't maybe it's time to go to a different counselor. I am positive your friend is wonderful and it will take time and physical healing and learning to challenge his own defeated thinking for him to see it for himself. I am praying for this guy now! :) I want him to know joy and peace and love in his life, and then he will be able to deeply share that with loved ones and even his own family one day.

[Gwen]

if he is making marriage a goal of sorts then he should treat it like one. get some of the books ppl have recommended for salvaging marriages (love languages, his needs her needs, etc), take all the personality tests he can find, read up on what they say is the most compatible type for him and then set some personal goals. learn how to be that person that can have a good marriage. learn how to look for the personality that will best suit him. become what she will want in him. do all the hard work before he finds someone... then maybe he won't be in the same situation as so many others coming on here asking "now what? i'm married but it's in peices. how do i save this?" i personally don't think there is anything wrong (in fact i think it's very appropriate) for him when he meets someone to ask her to take some of the same personality tests he did (sharing his resluts with her as well), if it gets serious ask her to read some of the same books. have her figure herself out before they get married as well.

[beefche]

I'll second cofchristcousin about seeking appropriate treatment. Even if he is currently receiving treatment, he needs to take care of himself and continue with medications and/or counseling. Depression does not have to rule one's life. Yes, it has it's ups and downs, but taking care of it during the ups and preparing for the downs will enable him to endure the downs better.

[Maxel]

Well, it doesn't matter anyway. My friend is kind of giving up... Not really interested in holding onto life anymore. He has bigger problems than being marriage material now.

[sanguine]

A question has been pressing on me lately. A good friend of mine really wants to get married, but isn't ready. He has a few psychological and emotional problems that make marriage difficult.

One of his main problems is that he's not very fiscally mature. He does all right when someone's there watching him and with him, but when he's on his own he's not able to really function. He knows he has these problems and is working on them, but because of his physical and spiritual makeup and things that happened to him in his youth he's not progressing very quickly. He has a difficult time holding down a job.

The question I have is: are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this? He really wants to do what's right and tries a lot, and is making progress. He'll never be someone who can provide a lot of material goods, and he'll always have emotional problems. Are there any women out there who would ever want to yoke themselves to a guy like that (I'm not asking to pass along names; he's just really depressed, thinking that he'll never be desirable).

My SIL married a guy like that, he's never held down a job or wanted to do anything, but be taken care of. She likes it in many ways, because she likes mothering and likes to be in control. Sometimes it annoys them both, but mostly it suits their personalities.

Sadly neither seem to grow in that sort of situation.

There is somebody for everyone.

[pam]

I have to agree with Stacie as well. Especially if your friend is considering actually giving up and not holding onto life anymore. I'm sure your friend is a great person and a strong person. I think a lot of us have our moments of wanting to give up. I know I have at times. But it always seems that at the darkest of moments, a light appears that motivates me to move on. Even if it's just a pin hole of light.

[Maxel]

I don't know if he's actually considering suicide or not- but he's having a hard time doing anything, including keeping the job he's got. He says he just wishes he would be out of the funk he's in and be at a place where he had somewhere to go and be safe... It does sound like he wants to be taken care of, but he knows it's not healthy and he wants to be a strong provider eventually with a healthy, celestial marriage.

Obviously, we talk a lot, lol.

[jadams_4040]

A question has been pressing on me lately. A good friend of mine really wants to get married, but isn't ready. He has a few psychological and emotional problems that make marriage difficult.

One of his main problems is that he's not very fiscally mature. He does all right when someone's there watching him and with him, but when he's on his own he's not able to really function. He knows he has these problems and is working on them, but because of his physical and spiritual makeup and things that happened to him in his youth he's not progressing very quickly. He has a difficult time holding down a job.

The question I have is: are there any women out there who would even considering marrying a person like this? He really wants to do what's right and tries a lot, and is making progress. He'll never be someone who can provide a lot of material goods, and he'll always have emotional problems. Are there any women out there who would ever want to yoke themselves to a guy like that (I'm not asking to pass along names; he's just really depressed, thinking that he'll never be desirable).

Waaayyy back in the old days. there used to really be a thing called love; and it was the most powerfull thing in the universe; {which i might add that me and my wife still have!}.:)

[FunkyTown]

I don't know if he's actually considering suicide or not- but he's having a hard time doing anything, including keeping the job he's got. He says he just wishes he would be out of the funk he's in and be at a place where he had somewhere to go and be safe... It does sound like he wants to be taken care of, but he knows it's not healthy and he wants to be a strong provider eventually with a healthy, celestial marriage.

Obviously, we talk a lot, lol.

This is depression, Maxel. The truth is that absolutely no one can 'fix' a depressive in this state. He needs counselling and, most likely, medication. What he's doing right now is not seeking an answer - It sounds like he says what he wants and, when you give suggestions, he just gives up and says that whatever you're suggesting won't help.

That's what depressives do. He needs help.

[LonelyGargoyle]

Right on Funk !! Don't even consider marrying this guy until he gets much more of his act together. Love doesn't overcome all. He will be burdensome. Bi-polar maybe ? As Funk stated, there is help available. Insist he get it before you dive into something that may take you over your head.

[FunkyTown]

I don't think this is someone Maxel is considering marrying. He's a dude.

[Maxel]

Right on Funk !! Don't even consider marrying this guy until he gets much more of his act together. Love doesn't overcome all. He will be burdensome. Bi-polar maybe ? As Funk stated, there is help available. Insist he get it before you dive into something that may take you over your head.

Never fear, I'll never marry this man. Never, never, never!

I'm a man myself.

That being said- he's frustrated because he's sought competent medical help and things are still hard. Right now he wants to save some money and find a safe place, then get off of all medications and try natural remedies (like St. John's Wart). If that doesn't work, he'll go back to medications. (All this will be done under the watchful eye of medical professionals)

It seems a good plan to me- he's been on various antidepressant medications since he was 12 and doesn't know if the medications are actually helping or making things worse.

[beefche]

That being said- he's frustrated because he's sought competent medical help and things are still hard. Right now he wants to save some money and find a safe place, then get off of all medications and try natural remedies (like St. John's Wart). If that doesn't work, he'll go back to medications. (All this will be done under the watchful eye of medical professionals)

It seems a good plan to me- he's been on various antidepressant medications since he was 12 and doesn't know if the medications are actually helping or making things worse.

Max, I'm going to talk to your friend as if I am his friend who has some medical knowledge (which I do).

"Discuss your desires to be completely off medications with your doctor on several occasions. Depression is a very real medical condition and although these desires are good, there is a very real possibility that you may need take medications for this for life. Whatever you do, DO NOT EVER STOP TAKING THE MEDICATIONS WITHOUT BEING UNDER THE DIRECTION OF A LICENSED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. I cannot stress this enough. There are so many side effects if you do not take them correctly which can cause unnecessary and unfortunate events.

There is absolutely nothing shameful in seeking continued medical attention for your medical condition. As I've explained this to my sister, it is just like any other medical condition--you have to seek treatment and listen to your doctor. Do not be ashamed to take medications or counseling or both."

That's Dr. Beef talking. Now, it's me, beefche:

I could marry a man who had this medical condition as long as he is being responsible and continues to seek treatment. In fact, I would probably have a very serious discussion with him prior to marrying him to discuss what our actions would be if he ever stopped seeking treatment. I have lived with someone who has psychological issues (my sister) and I can tell you that I would rather be with someone who takes responsbility for his health condition than with someone who thinks it just a temporary thing and may eventually stop treatment. I'm not saying that your friend is cavalier about his condition, but I do worry about someone who has had some issues since a young age who is considering going off all medications. Again, if he is working closely with licensed professionals, that is one thing. But in my experience with my sister, I have seen how one starts to feel better, stops treatment, then deteriorates significantly, and doesn't see it. It took excessive measures for us to get her back in treatment. I definitely don't want to deal with that in a husband.

[WillowTheWhisp]

I would like to encourage your friend by saying that nothing is impossible but he must take care of himself and take medically approved medication if that is what he needs. I am diabetic and also have glaucoma. I need to take medication for both for the rest of my life. There is no hame in having to rely on medical help.

A word of warning though. Love may be blind but it cannot conquer everything and one of the main causes of marital problems is financial. That doesn't mean that he should not marry bu the future wife would have to understand how rocky the road could be when it comes to money.

[Moksha]

Well, it doesn't matter anyway. My friend is kind of giving up... Not really interested in holding onto life anymore. He has bigger problems than being marriage material now.

Maxel, tell him to hold on. Hope and change in mood are just around the corner. One does not have to keep pace with the herd to survive and be at peace with the world. In everything you and your friend do, there can be joy if you reference it as such.