LostSheep rants on about nothing...again...

[LostSheep]

Why does God want me to suffer so bad? Why did he curse me with this addiction? I'll NEVER be able to escape it. I'm only fooling myself. Does God even care anymore? Does ANYONE even care anymore? This is stupid. I'm reduced to asking questions I know the answers to in a forum at 3 am. I'm pathetic. I already know what I need to do. The truth is, I don't want to put forth the effort. I act like I do. I say I do. I even believe myself sometimes when I say I'm sorry. But in the end, I'm not sorry. I don't want to put forth the effort. In other words, I don't want to quit, but I want to want to quit. Before anyone asks, yes, this entire thread IS pointless and full of rehtorical questions.

This is the where people post brilliant solutions to my problem that I've never considered, like "Get an internet filter.", "never use a computer again." or "Just stop doing it." Don't waste your breath. I've heard everything. Either the solution doesn't work, or I'm too thick headed to try it. If I've offended anyone by now, I'm sorry. I would have expect that you would have stopped reading after the first few sentences.

To the mods, if this post is "inappropriate" or "off topic" or whatever, I don't care. Take it down. Lock it. Burn it. Whatever you do to bad threads. I'm only venting anyway. I'm sure in a week, I'll be saying again to myself like a moron, "That was the last time. I'm sorry."

Sometimes I wonder...would I be happier just giving in completely?

P.S. Here's some emoticons...

[Gwen]

Why does God want me to suffer so bad? Why did he curse me with this ........? I'll NEVER be able to escape it. I'm only fooling myself. Does God even care anymore? Does ANYONE even care anymore?

i don't have an answer.... i don't think these questions are the same issue as the addiction though closely tied together. therefore the answers are different. i'd like to be able to answer them. there have been times in my life i would try. right now i'm in the same boat, asking a lot of the same questions. i used to have answers and i try to remember when i felt like god loved me. not been easy.

so i guess all i can say is hang in there. ask for a blessing. you aren't alone.

[pam]

To answer one of your questions. Yes. I care.

[Wingnut]

This is the where people post brilliant solutions to my problem that I've never considered, like "Get an internet filter.", "never use a computer again." or "Just stop doing it." Don't waste your breath. I've heard everything. Either the solution doesn't work, or I'm too thick headed to try it.

Well, my brilliant suggestion that you've probably already considered is to get a hobby. You need to replace the destructive behavior with something else. Something more than reading, for example -- something that you can do with your hands. Photography, knitting, carpentry, something like that.

[ryanh]

Of course I care bro. Wish I had something else for you to try. But I think you know what I would suggest anyway, so I'll keep it to myself this time.

Have you by chance ever listened to the Paul Dunn tape (yes, the copy I have is from before the age of CD's) "Life is a Game of Football"? Get a copy if you haven't heard it. He recounts this idea that life is . . . a game of football. And when we come to earth, we get a "uniform". But, it's not a new "uniform" since this is just the terrestrial phase of the game. Instead, he likens life to getting used uniforms. Being used, many of them come with flaws. Some people get uniforms that are very tall, some very short, some quite . . . well, fat. Some of us get even more *broken* uniforms - some uniforms are quite broken, and need the assistance of wheelchairs. Others still have neurochemical imbalances that we have to deal with.

I trust we all knew of the potential for these flaws, and how hard it might be to deal with, but I also trust we were ecstatic to get the possibility to 'play' despite these potential challenges. You might have even understood back then LS how your body's shortcomings in this world would present serious struggles for you. Look at all of this in the eternal perspective, not the perspective of now. With how you do try to fight this, how you do want what is right, IMO this is not a problem of your spirit. IMO, if is the effects of a flawed body. Treat the issue as such.

[OneEternalSonata]

God does not want you to suffer. He would not be merciful or loving if He did. However, Heavenly Father does want to see you free of this and is doing all He can insofar as your agency will let Him. You are a cherished son to Him. You WILL be able to escape this bondage if you stay hopeful, dear brother. You may be thinking I couldn't understand, but I do. I struggled with the same feelings you describe. Wondered if there was any escape, doubted I was worth saving, etc. When I started making one good choice at a time, and truly relied on the strength of the Lord for that which I couldn't do, healing steadily came to pass. Healing is still happening for me, and sometimes it seems a painfully long experience. Eventually, I received the Melchizedek Priesthood, and am temple-worthy now. Remember, O remember, my dear brother, that Heavenly Father loves you. Cling to truth, cling to charity, cling to Christ.

[thekabalist]

I can only congratulate you. No sarcasm intended. In Judaism we believe that G-d will only allow us to go through trials if you have a faith that is strong enough to resist. Yes you will fall at times but are you counting how often you have suceeded? I don't have as much faith as you. If I were given this big a trial I would probably fail miserably and yet you seem to have a good chance of overcoming it. Don't see this as a burden. See this as an opportunity. Think of how blessful every conquest is instead of how awful every fall is. Judaism also considers that the core of a mitzvah (commandment of G-d) lies in your heart. Your wanting to succeed counts as much to G-d as your success even if you fail. Love yourself, for G-d already loves you. And be conscious of your faith for G-d has already given you a great one. Big trials always await those with big faith. But so do big rewards.

[beefche]

LS, I think thekabalist has a point. The atonement is one of hope. Part of that hope, to me, means one must focus on the positives.

I think it safe to say that all of us know exactly how you feel. Perhaps we aren't making the same sinful choices, but believe me, we all make sinful choices. And we feel horrible afterwards. And promise to never do it again. And at that moment when we think we might, just might, be free of it, we make that sinful choice again. And we feel horrible, and promise to never do it again.....you see where I'm going?

I don't think God expects us to be completely sin free--in fact, I know He doesn't since He provided a Savior and the atonement for us. He does expect us to give our best--and sometimes our best is what we are giving--even as we fail.

I think part of our problem is that we are mortal subject to carnal desires (carnal meaning of the flesh). We struggle with it our whole lives--if it's not pornography, then it's caffeine, or overeating, or playing too much when we should be working, or being lazy, or anything else that indulges our flesh. Robert Millet, a BYU religion professor, explained it once that I really liked. He said that we are in a constant struggle. Oftentimes, we are tired and feel overworked when perhaps there isn't a "reason" for that. Well, there is--it's our spirit fighting the battle with our flesh. We are spiritual beings having a mortal experience and that is work.

Don't give up. Don't.

[Vanhin]

Why does God want me to suffer so bad? Why did he curse me with this addiction? I'll NEVER be able to escape it. I'm only fooling myself. Does God even care anymore? Does ANYONE even care anymore? This is stupid. I'm reduced to asking questions I know the answers to in a forum at 3 am. I'm pathetic. I already know what I need to do. The truth is, I don't want to put forth the effort. I act like I do. I say I do. I even believe myself sometimes when I say I'm sorry. But in the end, I'm not sorry. I don't want to put forth the effort. In other words, I don't want to quit, but I want to want to quit. Before anyone asks, yes, this entire thread IS pointless and full of rehtorical questions.

This is the where people post brilliant solutions to my problem that I've never considered, like "Get an internet filter.", "never use a computer again." or "Just stop doing it." Don't waste your breath. I've heard everything. Either the solution doesn't work, or I'm too thick headed to try it. If I've offended anyone by now, I'm sorry. I would have expect that you would have stopped reading after the first few sentences.

To the mods, if this post is "inappropriate" or "off topic" or whatever, I don't care. Take it down. Lock it. Burn it. Whatever you do to bad threads. I'm only venting anyway. I'm sure in a week, I'll be saying again to myself like a moron, "That was the last time. I'm sorry."

Sometimes I wonder...would I be happier just giving in completely?

P.S. Here's some emoticons...

You are not alone in facing such challenges. Never give up.

First, Satan, says that it's okay to sin, a little won't hurt, and then he tells you that you have gone too far, and are beyond hope. Remeber, Satan was a liar from the beginning (D&C 93:25).

We all have things we struggle with. Like thekabalist did and others will point out, these challenges are for our good. God gives us weakness so that we will be humble. Never forget what the Lord told Moroni about those who humbled themselves before Him:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them...And I, Moroni, having heard these words, was comforted, and said: O Lord, thy righteous will be done, for I know that thou workest unto the children of men according to their faith; (Ether 12:27,29)

What strengths and gifts has the Lord blessed you with? When do you enjoy those gifts most fully?

Sincerely,

Vanhin

[justaname]

Ill apologize first, because I probably wont be as positive as everyone else, though I totally agree with what everyone has said. God does love you, and this is a trial for you that will make you better once you overcome it.

I dont know anything about your history, or your previous posts so my comments might be off base here. You have obviously dealt with this for a long time. So did I. Ive been 'sober' for a few years now. I can empathize with you. Some things that struck me about your post is how you feel victimized. You should know better than to think God wants you to suffer. You should also know that you are not 'cursed' with an addiction. You chose the addiction, no one else did. Its not Gods fault.

You should also know that its really difficult to have sympathy for you when you dont sound like you care at all. You obviously know all the responses that people are going to give you, and Im guessing you have read responses like them before. No offense to anyone who replied to you, but the fact of the matter is none of them will help. You already know all of the stuff they said. No one here is your Savior. Its just you, and the Lord. When you WANT to stop, you can. Yeah, its really that simple. Ive been there. It probably wont happen overnight, and its probably something that will never be totally out of your mind, but it is controllable. You can even get to the point where the thought of looking at that stuff will make you sick.

Im sorry Im being so blunt. When you decide you want to change your behavior, you can. Everything can be overcome once you have fully involved the Savior. Best of luck to you.

[Just_A_Guy]

LostSheep, I apologize for not being more familiar with what you're going through (I know you've posted on it repeatedly), but do you have anyone you can turn to for help with this? Nearly all the progress I've made, I've made because my wife got involved and she's always been there as someone to give support and as someone who demands accountability. Do you have a close friend, sibling, or even parent you would trust to help you through this?

[ryanh]

You should also know that its really difficult to have sympathy for you when you dont sound like you care at all. You obviously know all the responses that people are going to give you, and Im guessing you have read responses like them before. No offense to anyone who replied to you, but the fact of the matter is none of them will help. You already know all of the stuff they said. No one here is your Savior.

I think you have a good point and perspective. However, even though I have a very sharp memory (I think that is me anyway - can't remember if that was me or my brother that had the memory issues ), I need to be reminded from time to time of some of the very things that LS has been reminded of. It's all too easy to fall into the adveseary's trap line of thinking. As far as I'm concerned LS, keep coming back to get remindes whenever you need it. (but seek out an ADHD dr too!) DOH! couldn't help myself.

[LostSheep]

You should also know that you are not 'cursed' with an addiction. You chose the addiction, no one else did. Its not Gods fault.

Before I ever even had the addiction, there were things that already had a natural pull on me. I can't (and won't) talk about these specific things in an open forum. I'm not a normal guy. I can't explain. All I know, is these strange desires were there from the beginning. I wish it made me sick. I really do. But it doesn't.

Yeah, I know, I sound like the victim. Boohoo. The world is out to get me. "Everyone hates me" etc...I always said "If I could just overcome this problem, I will be happy." I'm now at the point where I'm saying "If I only even had the WILL to overcome it, I will be happy."

Many of you probably think this whole forum is for pity, sympathy, attention, or to blame everything. Well, your probably right. I don't know why I'm posting crap like this. I guess it makes me feel better. Posting everything that comes to mind. Thank you for the responces. Some day, I swear I'm going to be happy.

[justaname]

It sounds like you MIGHT be struggling with child porn. If that is the case, I hope you get help quickly. I dont know anything about that, but for your own good and the safety of everyone else. Go see someone immediately.

[Vort]

It sounds like you MIGHT be struggling with child porn. If that is the case, I hope you get help quickly. I dont know anything about that, but for your own good and the safety of everyone else. Go see someone immediately.

I don't think it's child porn. I think it's the much more common adult female porn.

[Mahone]

It sounds like you MIGHT be struggling with child porn. If that is the case, I hope you get help quickly. I dont know anything about that, but for your own good and the safety of everyone else. Go see someone immediately.

Whoa, I don't think we want to be jumping to conclusions like that. I know it was meant well, but some people might read more into it than is there. There are thousands of sexual deviations around, and I'm guessing it's one of them from the words lostsheep used. Doesn't mean it's an illegal one.

[LostSheep]

It sounds like you MIGHT be struggling with child porn.

Whoa!! NO!

I am NOT struggling with that. Never looked at in in my life, or had the desire to...That is NOT what I was referring to....

Sorry if that's what it sounded like...

Edited December 8, 2009 by LostSheep

[justaname]

My bad.

[Misshalfway]

God does not want you to suffer. He would not be merciful or loving if He did.

I am going to disagree with this or maybe just shift the focus of this statement a bit. I actually think that God does want us to suffer. Not that God enjoys our suffering or creates it. That is not what I mean. Of course God's commandments are designed to keep us from suffering. But if we insist on choosing a path that is contrary to His, then the suffering must come. And I believe, in the case of addictions and other things too, the Lord using the suffering to teach us and change us. If He intervened and softened the blow, perhaps the lessons and important changes wouldn't occur. He wants us to feel the exquisitness of the pain so that it burns the desire for sin out of us.

As I have looked back on my own situation and my familial battle with addiction, I am now so grateful that God allowed the suffering. That coupled with pentitent choices helped to bring about the best sorts of outcomes.

Don't you curse God, LS. Don't you do it! He didn't curse you. You messed with the fire and you got burned! Recovery from PA usually takes 3 to 5 years. Sometimes longer. And I have not yet heard of a true addict that could do so without relapsing. Sometimes 50 to 70 times for most. It is important not to measure your recovery based upon these numbers. I can't exactly say where you are. I can tell you I hear lots more truth in you and lots less denial than a year ago. That is progress! Celebrate that!

And I get that you need a rant now and again. But if you can, try to find gratitude for your sufferings. It is the sufferings that get you unstuck.......if you let them.

[Misshalfway]

Some day, I swear I'm going to be happy.

And you can be happy now even if you aren't completely healed yet. Recovery is NOT the destination. Recovery is the journey. Orient your thinking to that kind of patience and that kind of mercy for yourself and your path. Be honest with yourself when you need to. Banish denial, self pity, and shame. They don't serve you. Replace them with personal responsibility, kind honesty, and loving truth.

Work your program. One day at a time, one step at a time. Hand the rest to God. Be still and trust that He is leading you by the hand even if the path is a painful one. Healing is usually a painful process for all of us.:)

[OneEternalSonata]

You're right, Miss, I even thought about clarifying on that. He uses suffering as a tool.

[Vort]

And you can be happy now even if you aren't completely healed yet. Recovery is NOT the destination. Recovery is the journey.

Words of wisdom.

[Taldarin]

Complete recovery IS possible and there IS happiness that comes with it. Really. But, as you've already said, you need to have the will to pull through it. I've also had some addictions I've had to overcome, and yes, I completely bombed the attempt over a million times. But then I found motivation that stayed with me and eventually completely lost the desire. Now, I think that every person has their own unique way of finding that motivation, but one thing is for sure: You need to be constantly seeking God's help, and you need to be reading the scriptures on a daily basis. Through those things and a few other personal things, I found MY motivation. I'm sure you can too.

[Vort]

Complete recovery IS possible and there IS happiness that comes with it. Really. But, as you've already said, you need to have the will to pull through it. I've also had some addictions I've had to overcome, and yes, I completely bombed the attempt over a million times. But then I found motivation that stayed with me and eventually completely lost the desire. Now, I think that every person has their own unique way of finding that motivation, but one thing is for sure: You need to be constantly seeking God's help, and you need to be reading the scriptures on a daily basis. Through those things and a few other personal things, I found MY motivation. I'm sure you can too.

I read something a while back that suggested that the average smoker tries to quit seven times before succeeding. I'm with Taldarin; just don't give up.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Lostsheep -- one bit of advice that really helped me was to be extreme AT FIRST about denying yourself whatever it is that you're doing which is addictive.

This is to get some history of self-control and overcoming behind you. It's like a rocket overcoming the force of gravity -- after it gets past the initial phases, it gets easier.

Knowing that you've been free of the addictive behavior for X amount of time (pick a period of time that is doable as you take whatever extreme measures are necessary), you have a track record behind you -- this can be motivating and propel you forward during other times of temptation -- you don't want to blow the record.

Also, if your addiction is sexual in nature, and you're a man, make use of a cold facecloth to curb desire.

Also, consider this -- a script your write to yourself. Pull it out whenever you're tempted to fall into the wrong behavior. It should contain all the reasons you should NOT do the behavior, what you should replace the behavior with, and a motivating vision of your life when you are in control of the addiction. Read it over and over again when you feel tempted.

This is will help you gain control of your thoughts. That control will help you control your feelings. And that control will help you master your spirit and your physical desires.

I used this technique to stop myself from doing something that was NOT confession-worthy, but was starting to control me. I pulled out the script I'd written every time I was tempted.

I was cleaning the other day, and came across the script. I'd forgotten about it, and realized the thing that was controlling me was no longer a habit for me. It was the most liberating feeling to know I was no longer tempted to go into the formerly negative and repetive pattern that was making me unhappy.

You can do the same.

Last of all, to control your thoughts try this technique. First, take a deep breath, replace the thought with something vastly different and clean, and then move to a new physical location, away from where the addictive behavior normally occurs.

Some of these will resonate with you, others will not -- the bottom line is -- keep trying. You can overcome this.

Edited December 9, 2009 by mormonmusic