Unsent Letters

[Wingnut]

This thread is dedicated to letters that will never be sent. They should be either things you don't have the opportunity to actually say to another person, or things that you would never actually say out loud to a particular person.

To the person driving the car in front of me on the way to the grocery store this afternoon,

I can see that you park your car in your driveway and not in a garage. That's fine. Maybe it's that you're lucky enough to have more cars than garage space. Maybe it's that you have a guy room in your garage. Maybe you just have storage or a workshop. In any case, next time you drive during the winter, could you please brush all the snow off of your car, not just the stuff on your windshield and back window? Just because you can see doesn't mean that those around you can also see, especially when the six inches of snow that is sitting on top of your car suddenly finds its way onto my windshield. Thanks!

Sincerely,

Parks in the garage

[Wingnut]

Dear Allergies,

I appreciate that you only visit during the morning hours, and don’t stay all day. Do you think you would consider visiting someone instead who doesn’t really care so much about breathing? I rather enjoy the activity.

Sincerely,

Sneezy, turning Grumpy, with no time or money to visit Doc, and is therefore not Happy, but rather Dopey

[annamaureen]

Dear Girl with Huge Sunglasses and Fake Tan,

Thanks for almost running me over with your VW Bug. I know texting is more important than watching where you're going! I really appreciate your dedication to your cellphone and your desire to speed through a parking lot. I also loved the look of disgust you gave me for daring to use the crosswalk.

Apologies for the inconvenience!

[Guest Godless]

Dear MillerCoors Brewing Company,

The "triple-hops brewed" thing is not unique. All brewers add hops at least three times during the boil. I recently drank a beer that had been hopped over ten times. You're not special. Also, Miller Lite isn't a pilsner, so stop calling it one.

Regards,

-Likes to taste hops in my beer

P.S. - How the H do you "frost brew" a beer. Just curious. You guys must be friggin' wizards or something.

[dazed-and-confused]

DONT WASTE MY TIME....to those who post utter nonsense.........

[dazed-and-confused]

DONT WASTE MY TIME......to those that think someone elses so-called nonsense is of no emotional importance

[hordak]

Dear lady driving the car behind me to the grocery store.

Yes my garage is full. I would love for it to be a guy room but with young kids it is filled with an assortment push cars, bikes, swimming pools (that taunt me) barbecue grills and asorted toys and closes to be passed from the oldest child to the youngest.

More then a guy room i would love to have a nice place to park the car out of the snow.The oldest kids (no matter how many times i tell them i will be right back) stand there with the door wide open to make sure i don't leave them letting the heat out and the cold in on their baby sister who is helplessly strapped in the car seat and can't back away as i scrape the windshield before loading them into the car and trying to work the seat belts, and keys with numb winter hands.

I find the less time a child spends pinned in an uncomfortable position in the cold the better experience for all so i might neglect the non essential snow removal.

When driving in winter it is recommended that one takes a larger then normal following distance as visibility and braking distance is reduced.

Maybe you have cat like reflexes and eagle eye vision? maybe you have brand new snow tires and reinforced salt corrosion resistant brake lines with pristine self drying brake pads.

You might be the worlds best driver in the best stopping car ever made but not everyone else on the road is. Please increase you following distance according to weather conditions not only for your own safety but for others as well. Particularly those who travel with small children. Thanks.

Sincerely

Can't park in garage, puts children comfort first, drives appropriately for all weather conditions.

P.S. Your more then welcome to brush my car off anytime you wish.

[Palerider]

To all people out in the Public,

When chewing gum or food...please keep your mouth closed. No one really wants to see what you are chewing.

[pam]

I wish I could laugh AND thank Hordak for his letter.

[Wingnut]

Dear person driving the car in front of me on the way to the grocery store,

Brush your car off before you take the kids outside. With six inches of snow piled on top of your car (and on the trunk), even twice the normal following distance doesn't keep your snow off my windshield.

Sincerely,

Maybe you can come wash my car when you're done

[hordak]

Dear lady driving the car behind me to the grocery store.

I believe you misread my letter. The kids aren't outside while i'm getting the car ready, they are standing at the front door.(Inside) My baby girl must be close to this door, as that is where the kids are, and being a baby she is prone to separation issues. The kids keep her calm until the older ones start opening the door to check on me. The more snow i clear the more time it takes which increases the numbers of times they open the door.

But i do believe i have found the perfect solution...

Sincerely

Mr Anxiously awaiting the arrival of your late Christmas gift to me. A remote car starter

P.S. It wouldn't be a problem if the board chipped in and bought me what i hinted at before http://www.lds.net/forums/general-discussion/28315-christmas-gift-hard-buy-shopper.html

That would have fit in my garage.

[Wingnut]

Dear person driving the car in front of me on the way to the grocery store,

Brush your car off before you take the kids outside. With six inches of snow piled on top of your car (and on the trunk), even twice the normal following distance doesn't keep your snow off my windshield.

Sincerely,

Maybe you can come wash my car when you're done

P.S. Get off your phone -- there's snow on the road.

[Wingnut]

Hey idiot in front of me, the gas pedal's the one on the right.

(Different person.)

(Yes, I recognize that I have driving issues. But I take them out here, rather than actually on the road. Most of the time.)

[hordak]

P.S. Get off your phone -- there's snow on the road.

Seems we have a misunderstanding, i never talk and drive. In retrospect I my pickup don't have a trunk:)

[hordak]

Hey idiot in front of me, the gas pedal's the one on the right.

(Different person.)

(Yes, I recognize that I have driving issues. But I take them out here, rather than actually on the road. Most of the time.)

ah but do you hold the drivers double standard? I have noticed with anyone i have spent a decent amount of time in a car with (myself included) has "everyone else is an idiot/can't drive but me syndrome"

It usually developed at about 16 years of age and is a life long affliction, though many don't know or will not admit they have it.

Symptom include...

Cursing (real or otherwise) at the "moron" who just cut you off, followed by cursing at the "idiot" going too fast to let you in.

Cussing (real or otherwise) the jerk going way too fast. Followed by Speeding down the road to make up lost time .( weeks, days, hours, or even only a few miles later)

Ridding the tail of the slow polk, hopping they will get the hint, only latter to be upset but the rude jerk riding up your tailpipe while you slow down to find the place you are looking for.

And My favorite. Asking "why isn't there ever a cop around when you need one" as someone else breaks a traffic law. Latter finding yourself saying "I hope there aren't any cops around" as you break this same law.

(The more dangerous the event the more likely this symptom will show. See this a lot with running yellows lights)

[talisyn]

To the one I hurt,

I am so very sorry. I wish I could make it better. I wish I could be what you wanted me to be.

I miss you. I wish we were still friends.

I will love you forever, my very good friend.

Tali

[mightynancy]

Dear Carl's Jr.,

Your ads have been disgusting for a long time. The current one is the lowest! I thought that a salad ad could never be nearly pornographic. I was wrong.

You're not getting a cent of mine,

Mightynancy

[Iggy]

Dear Mr. Goat Roper driving the big ol 2009 Ford F350 in front of me;

The speed limit is 50 mph, NOT 35. No I really am not in that big of a hurry, but the 8 cars behind me just might be.

Also, if you are going to swerve all over the road as you drive, perhaps you should:

• a.Take that 10 gallon hat off so you can see without tipping your head all over the place, thus causing your truck to swerve all over the place.
• b.Give the cell phone to Mrs/Ms Goat Roper, because obviously you can not talk and drive at the same time. You know, the swerving.
• c.Man up and let Mrs/Ms Goat Roper drive- she at least drives the speed limit and can multi-task by driving, talking in the cell phone, and listen to you and the radio.
• d.Stay home!

[Iggy]

ah but do you hold the drivers double standard? I have noticed with anyone i have spent a decent amount of time in a car with (myself included) has "everyone else is an idiot/can't drive but me syndrome"

It usually developed at about 16 years of age and is a life long affliction, though many don't know or will not admit they have it.

Symptom include...

Cursing (real or otherwise) at the "moron" who just cut you off, followed by cursing at the "idiot" going too fast to let you in.

Cussing (real or otherwise) the jerk who is going way too fast. Followed by Speeding down the road to make up lost time .( weeks, days, hours, or even only a few miles later)

Ridding (Riding) the tail of the slow polk (poke), hopping (hoping) they will get the hint, only latter (later) to be upset but the rude jerk riding up your tailpipe while you slow down to find the place you are looking for.

And My favorite. Asking "why isn't there ever a cop around when you need one" as someone else breaks a traffic law. Latter (later) finding yourself saying "I hope there aren't any cops around" as you break this same law.

(The more dangerous the event the more likely this symptom will show. See this a lot with running yellows lights)

Argh, use spell check already!!!!! FYI A yellow light is a warning that the light is going to change to red. Thus "running" it is not breaking any law. As long as your front end is under the light when it does change to red, you are safe. Or in other words, your front end has crossed over the imaginary middle of the road when the light changes to red, you have not broken any laws.

[SeekYourWish]

Dear Mister Know Everything,

I thank you for trying to help, and I thank you for trying to help me to do what I need to in my life and direct me, but I know what those things are there are a few problems though everything that you have mentioned to me costs money in some sort of way money that is not available. I have let you know this small yet very important fact, your response “get a job”. RIGHT! I NEVER thought of that get a job duh it’s like the easiest thing in the world to do. WRONG! You don’t seem to understand that there is no jobs here at least not ones for people with no experience. Your next response “go to school” so, we end back up at “that costs money” “get a loan” yes I could get a loan. it’s a very big possibility but so is going in to debt and maybe I am thinking about everything the wrong way, but I would prefer not to get in to debt I would prefer to have a job before I start school so even if I have a loan I can be saving money to pay it back or have a smaller loan therefore less to pay back. Your help is entirely welcome, I mean if you want to pay for me to go to school I would be there in a heart beat! But you can’t afford it either so I really wish you would understand where I’m coming from. But alas you don’t get it. So Mister Know Everything you then turn into The Person I Always Get in a Argument With. I don’t like arguing with you. If you could, either leave the subject of school and work behind or try harder to see the difficulty of it. Also, packing up and MOVING to a different state will solve nothing and I’m not going to move in with you I’m sorry but even if it was just for a short while, I’m not comfortable living with a man alone before marriage, even more one I hardly know but thanks for the offer.

Sincerely , Stressed About Life.

[hordak]

Argh, use spell check already!!!!! FYI A yellow light is a warning that the light is going to change to red. Thus "running" it is not breaking any law. As long as your front end is under the light when it does change to red, you are safe. Or in other words, your front end has crossed over the imaginary middle of the road when the light changes to red, you have not broken any laws.

Where i leaned to drive the law states...

If the signal exhibits a steady yellow indication, vehicular traffic facing the signal shall stop before entering the nearest crosswalk at the intersection or at a limit line when marked, but if the stop cannot be made in safety, a vehicle may be driven cautiously through the intersection.

I would imagine it is similar in many states. So while yes, going through a yellow because you can't stop in time is legal, Running (speeding up) the yellow on porpoise is illegal, that is what i was referring to. And they do write tickets for it.

Also note how spell check thinks riding a sea mammal down the street is illegal , i'm sure it is, but that's not what intended to say:)

[ADoyle90815]

Dear idiot who almost rear-ended me getting off the freeway,

The light just turned red at the end of the offramp, and since I plan to turn left, it's not safe to turn at this time. If someone decided to run the red light as the light for the offramp turned green, you could have rear-ended me since you were practically touching my rear bumper.

Dear impatient person behind me,

I know it's possible to turn right on a red light, but when there's a lot of traffic on the street, it's not always safe enough to turn, especially with those palm trees partially blocking the view. I'll go when I feel it's safe enough, or the light turns green and honking isn't going to make me go any sooner. If you're in such a freaking hurry, maybe you should think about leaving earlier next time. I'm not about to risk an accident or a ticket just because you're in such a hurry. When there's a sign saying, "No Right Turn on Red," it means that I'm going to wait for the light to turn green before turning because I don't want a ticket.

Edited January 3, 2010 by ADoyle90815

[SeekYourWish]

To My Sister,

[Dravin]

P.S. - How the H do you "frost brew" a beer. Just curious. You guys must be friggin' wizards or something.

My google fu pulls up they are (most likely) referring to the lagering process (it is a lager after all). But since lagering isn't the same thing as brewing and lagering still takes place above 32F (though not necessarily by much according to Wikipedia) they are taking some liberties with reality on both counts.

At least triple hops is true if unremarkable. :)

Edited January 3, 2010 by Dravin

[Guest Godless]

Yes, lagering is usually done at cooler temps, so their claim that it's "aged cold" is as meaningless as the "triple-hops brewed" claim. But brewed cold?? I suspect there may be some black magic at work here. After all, the initial brewing phase is called "the boil" for a reason.