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Happiness3

Trying to date shy guys........

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Hello there~I have been intrigued by this guy for a LONG time--we have been out socially together and have talked several times. I believe he is interested in me, however he is extremely shy and hard to get to know-when we do talk, it is awkward because I am ashy as well and I end up babbeling. This has gone on for over a year, and I'd like to move it along and see where and if it goes anywhere!

Does anyone have any ideas for me? I'm perplexed and would love some suggestions!

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The simplest solution is to just ask him out, or be pretty direct in an invitation, "When are you going to take me out to dinner?" Don't know if he'd like that, but it's the simplest.

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Guest mirancs8

Try telling him how you feel and what direction your feelings are going in. It might just be that he feels the same way but feels shy to tell you. Sometimes you might not say exactly how we feel in fear of losing that person as a friend.

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Thank you for your replies...

Over the weekend, I did 'bite the bullet' and called him-- we ended up going to see a movie!! And you know, it was little awkward, however not as awkward as I anticipated. He said he had been wanting to call for a couple weeks and was glad that I did. I felt like we got to know each other a lot more--amazing what happens when children and others aren't around.

...So, hopefully things will progress -- I'm keeping my fingers crossed. He's such a difficult man to read...

Thank you again-you gave me the courage I needed.

Wish me Luck!!

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Here is a little tip on shy guys. Guys usually are not shy, we just don't know what to do. THat whole cave man mentality hasn't gone away. You have to spell things out for us. Make conversation and include instructions like, "I always wished a guy would buy me chocolates". Guys can rebuild a lawn mower and run a fork lift, but we need instructions with women. Honestly, the lawn mower and miter saw came with instructions, that is our downfall. No instructions we are lost, so think about that next time you are fishing for a date, compliment or some chocolate.

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Make conversation and include instructions like, "I always wished a guy would buy me chocolates".

That isn't an instruction it is a hint. A pretty obvious one mind you but it still a hint. Instructions would be, "When you take me to dinner this Friday bring me flowers." Obviously that approach has some pitfalls. :)

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That isn't an instruction it is a hint. A pretty obvious one mind you but it still a hint. Instructions would be, "When you take me to dinner this Friday bring me flowers." Obviously that approach has some pitfalls. :)

I like women who are straight forward when they want something; if a girlfriend asked me to bring flowers, I would appreciate it that she was up front with me. I would have no problem if she simply stated "bring flowers next time."

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But when is the line drawn that she is using you because you bring her what she asks for? How do you then know she likes you for you and not for the things you will buy her?

I just can't imagine saying to a guy.."Hey I know you are taking me to a movie and to dinner Friday..but could you bring me a dozen roses as well?"

Call me old fashioned but that just doesn't sit well with me.

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Guest mirancs8

But when is the line drawn that she is using you because you bring her what she asks for? How do you then know she likes you for you and not for the things you will buy her?

I just can't imagine saying to a guy.."Hey I know you are taking me to a movie and to dinner Friday..but could you bring me a dozen roses as well?"

Call me old fashioned but that just doesn't sit well with me.

Very good point. I think it's about how much you know the person well enough to know the intent behind it. It's one thing to be on date 1, 2 or 3 and say, "So next time you're going to bring me flowers right?" That would be an instant red flag I would imagine for any guy. It's another things when you are in a conversation and the guy asks, "so what kind of flowers/things do you like?" and you say well I like this or that... not to crazy about this or that. He retains that in memory so in the future he would know your likes and dislikes.

I think that as people are in relationships for a longer duration of time they tend to be more blunt about things they want. You get past that uncomfortable point. However early on in a relationship it would seem a bit overboard to just say, "why don't you bring me flowers next time." I can't imagine that most men would find that appealing. It might make them feel like she thinks he's not capable to think of it on his own.

Moreover if he's just not that kind of a man and that's your expectation then you might want to continue dating others. Some men just don't do that... and that's OK because there are some women who don't have it high on their list of must haves in a man. Sure it's nice, sure it's sweet but there is so much more you should be focused on in a person besides what they can and will get for you.

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I like women who are straight forward when they want something; if a girlfriend asked me to bring flowers, I would appreciate it that she was up front with me. I would have no problem if she simply stated "bring flowers next time."

Ordering people to procure you gifts as a general rule doesn't go over well*, I said it has pitfalls not that ordering people around has no place or time. Also, asking for flowers and ordering/instructing someone to buy you flowers is different. It's the difference (in my mind at least) between:

"Would you wear the purple top next time? I really like it." or "You should wear the purple top next time." and "You will wear the purple top next time."

Even your example of "bring flowers next time" can be a question or suggestion even if not grammatically so, tone and context determine if I'm being ordered around like a bipedal wallet or if she's just expressing a desire for flowers (the later of which is fine). If a gal straight up ordered me to bring her flowers (or just ordered me around in other contexts) without other factors (joking, established relationship, informing me to eat with the proper fork and the like, I have a history of buying the wrong Birthday gift or she knows I'm gonna buy chocolates for Feb 14th but doesn't want those ["Don't buy me chocolates"] and so on) I'd probably conclude she's a gift vampire or doesn't respect (in the non-monetary examples) that I am her equal. Interestingly enough constantly requesting or hinting gifts would result in the same conclusion, well monetary gifts, she can suggest and request I treat her to a back-rub all she wants. As Pam hinted at, if I get the sense that I am simply a way of shopping without dipping into her own wallet or simply a source of free meals I'd back off pretty quick, that is the pitfall I was talking about, of falsely representing the kind of person you are. It is certainly not a forgone conclusion of being more aggressive in vocalizing what one desires though, don't get me wrong there.

Note I'm probably coming across as a lot more strident on the issue than I actually am. There are contexts and places where ordering is fine (and while I've kinda muddle them together there is a difference between instruction and ordering versus hints and questions), like what I included parenthetically, but if I feel like a shopping cart or her puppy there are issues.

That's always the problem with random advice online, you suggest you might want to avoid something as basic etiquette for a first date and invariability someone comes along explaining, how actually, they'd kinda like that. :)

* Rightly or wrongly I was raised that ordering/instructing people to buy you gifts is tacky and that is aside from any romantic relationships. It's like going around asking people what they are getting you for Christmas.

Edited by Dravin

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Who in the world tells a date to bring flowers next time, or makes other demands such as those? Seriously, there is a difference in telling someone to bring me a gift and telling someone my preferences in types of flowers in a normal conversation.

And I'm going to buck the system here a bit. Everyone keeps saying that men like women to be upfront, but in my experience, alot of men (not all) are intimidated by a confident woman who lets him know upfront that she wants to date him. It may be flattering to him at first, but eventually, that confidence comes across either as aggressiveness or as a lack of femininity or something (not sure what it is). Men want to be the hero--to be the primal man who hunts what he desires. A woman who goes after something she wants intimidates him. YMMV

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I cant believe its taken this guy an ENTIRE YEAR to take you out and even then YOU had to ask him. I guess some people are THAT shy. Kudos to you for being patient. It sounds like you are building a good strong friendship.

And you are right about not having kids and other people around. Its so weird to find yourself in the single social scene again after never leaving PARENT LAND. It is a very awkward feeling.

I am happy you had a good time. Hopefully next time he will feel comfortable enough to ask you out and to call you. I think its great you called him. I think some shy people are so afraid of rejection that they just dont even try. The fact that you called him let him know that the rejection he fears just isnt there. So maybe it will be easier for him to make the next move.

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As a shy guy....I love it when a woman makes the first move.

I don't think its so much rejection that I fear as that horrible knot in my stomach that at times I just can't seem to get by.I've let many girls that I've had crushes on pass by because of it... only to find out years later that they liked me.If they had only said something to let me know other than just well....being friendly.Could've beens. :(

Now a days I'm still shy as heck even tho I know I'm not super ugly but I'm to the point I don't wanna be like most guys.I'm the type that won't throw out some line or be forward.Just not wired that way I guess so why bother...I wait and wait and wait.

Ya its probably gonna be a long and lonely life.I Figure I'm about halfway through it tho. :lol:

Makin the first move was the right choice and chances are you've probably found someone you'll always be able to trust with your heart. ;)

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Wow, its awesome to hear a shy guys perspective! Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate it.

Well, we are still seeing each other. It has been very interesting getting to know him-not to mention difficult and confusing, but we are getting closer and I feel like we are developing a strong, deep foundation for a relationship.

There are so many positive signals I'm getting (He took me to his work party and another summer party with a group he is in), but truth be told-we haven't even held hands yet!! I am old-fashioned in thinking he should make the first move...and I have worked REALLY hard not to be obvious in case he doesn't want to....its a confusing position I've got myself in! (although we do touch when were together with a hug goodbye)

Soooo, I need to know....(because you are shy too) how are the ways of behavior or signs different from when you like-like someone rather than when you friend-like someone?

I can't believe I'm asking this--I feel like I am in Junior High again!

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Well I can't say for sure that just because I'm shy and act a certain way that he'll act that same way but since you've asked...I think I pretty much treat all woman the same whether I enjoy them just as friends or would like something more.I try to treat them as friends period unless they make it obvious that they are interested in more and then I'll either return the feeling or at least let them know how I feel.

Ya I know that isnt much help but it sounds as if you two enjoy each others company.

He sounds pretty humble and I'm impressed that you find find that attractive as opposed to most woman always looking for that Alpha..haha male, there was really only one of those and he was pretty humble himself.

If that's the kind of guy you want you might have to let your light shine a little more for him to take his out from under the bushel.I know at times I ignore what most would consider obvious even tho it is.

Let him know how you feel.

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That isn't an instruction it is a hint. A pretty obvious one mind you but it still a hint. Instructions would be, "When you take me to dinner this Friday bring me flowers." Obviously that approach has some pitfalls. :)

Yeah --it wouldn't be a big enough hint for my husband to get a clue. :)

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Guest

My husband is a "what you see is what you get" kinda guy. Do not ask him "Does this dress look good on me?" unless you really want to know what he thinks. So, when I want a boost, I would say, "Does this dress look good on me? I don't want to know the truth, I want a compliment." And he usually tries to tell me what he likes about the dress and not tell me what he doesn't like about it. LOL. But, I wouldn't ask him to bring me flowers or what kind of flowers I like, etc. It's more special to me if he gives me flowers that I really like because he "researched" my preferences instead of me telling him. I mean, c'mon, if he knows what Tim Tebow jersey sales figures are, he can figure out what kind of flowers I like. :D

Oh, my husband also prefers confident/independent/forward women.

So, it completely depends on the type of guy he is... I think shy guys are cute... as long as they're not dibilitatinglyl shy.

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Ya I'll admit us guys are sometimes less than accomodating in the compliment and romance department at times.We often consider it a given that you realize that to us your always beautiful and were just happy your there!

Eww...the independent word always makes me cringe.

Don't mind that woman are so much these days just hate hearing people say it.

Reminds me of the rich man/woman parable...yea I adjusted that a little bit and O' I dunno it really reminds me of somewhere between Isaiah 3 and 4. Just seems all to evident to me anymore.

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Luke 12:16-21 He spoke a parable to them, saying, "The ground of a certain rich man brought forth abundantly. He reasoned within himself, saying, ‘What will I do, because I don’t have room to store my crops?’ He said, ‘This is what I will do. I will pull down my barns, and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. I will tell my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years. Take your ease, eat, drink, be merry."‘ "But God said to him, ‘You foolish one, tonight your soul is required of you. The things which you have prepared—whose will they be?’ So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God."

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Isaish 3 - Isaiah 3

Isaiah 4 - Isaiah 4

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Just what crosses my mind when I hear mention of people and their independence.

Not that you were saying that but that word just bothers me.

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Guest

Ya I'll admit us guys are sometimes less than accomodating in the compliment and romance department at times.We often consider it a given that you realize that to us your always beautiful and were just happy your there!

Eww...the independent word always makes me cringe.

Don't mind that woman are so much these days just hate hearing people say it.

Reminds me of the rich man/woman parable...yea I adjusted that a little bit and O' I dunno it really reminds me of somewhere between Isaiah 3 and 4. Just seems all to evident to me anymore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Luke 12:16-21 He spoke a parable to them, saying, "The ground of a certain rich man brought forth abundantly. He reasoned within himself, saying, ‘What will I do, because I don’t have room to store my crops?’ He said, ‘This is what I will do. I will pull down my barns, and build bigger ones, and there I will store all my grain and my goods. I will tell my soul, "Soul, you have many goods laid up for many years. Take your ease, eat, drink, be merry."‘ "But God said to him, ‘You foolish one, tonight your soul is required of you. The things which you have prepared—whose will they be?’ So is he who lays up treasure for himself, and is not rich toward God."

------------------------------------------------------------------

Isaish 3 - Isaiah 3

Isaiah 4 - Isaiah 4

------------------------------------------------------------------

Just what crosses my mind when I hear mention of people and their independence.

Not that you were saying that but that word just bothers me.

I completely get what you're saying.

I have a different "feeling" about the word independence. I mean - having grown up in the Philippines under Martial Law, independence is a totally different thing to me.

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Oh yea...When used in cases like that I can 100% agree.

Just a personal problem I guess, might be due largely inpart to an ex gf here in the free world.Just saddens and irritates me to see so many woman woman these days being screech owls about it and taking the path of lilith like my last gf did.

Whether the story of lilith is rumor or true I can see where it fits into these days.

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Oh my, guy needs to step up and learn to be a man. Give him this book to read:

The Way of the Superior Man

Amazon.com: The Way of the Superior Man : A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire (9781889762104): David Deida: Books

It was written by a non-member and while the talk is a little outside the normal morman course. For the most part excellent advice.

Man should learn to be a man.

The subtleties a woman gives a man are one of the most precious gifts a man can receive. Sometimes direct talk is needed, like when discussing the relationship. Otherwise men need to learn to understand their women and take care of them. They need to learn to be gentlemen.

Might be good to read the Count of Monte Cristo as well.

Good luck!

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