marriage help

[sworiginal77]

Hi - new to forum, not new to gospel.

I'm needing some advice. Been married almost 7 years and three months ago my wife informed me she had had a week long affair with a member of my ward, which she ended. Been through heartache, emotional upheaval, anger, hatred, and being reminded of my wifes infidelity weekly when I see him. We are still together and working through it. On good days its the best our marriage has ever been. On flipside bad days are really bad with me reliving what I have been told.

Both my wife and other member ( he's a married member as well) have been through disciplinary process, and although my wife confessed to me about the affair, and wanted to repent in the eyes of the lord, I have yet to see her repentance process regarding church manifest itself. We both attend church, she meets the basic requirements regarding congregation stuff. But I don't see her saying personal prayers, reading scriptures, or going to lessons or meetings willingly. Admittedly I struggle with some of these as well. I am also starting to question my attendance on Sundays, because of seeing him, and the feelings that this brings to the surface. But if my wife is dragging her feet with putting her church life straight, I also ask wheres the point in putting myself through the hurt of Sundays to feel rubbish and not get the spiritual uplift i so desperately need.

(My wife has no interest in the other member, I understand where she was mentally at the time off the affair, and I believe her when she says it was a horrible mistake that she would never repeat.)

How can I get past this when I still feel a strong hatred for him, the fact that the one person I love most has hurt me so much, I can't get the spiritual lift I need, and struggle to say prayers or study scriptures. How can i blow up at her for not showing me the things she needs to do when I can't do them myself?

I love my wife, and in spite of the affair I believe her when she says she loves me, and will never put me through this anguish ever again. But I'm on a huge rollercoaster with no set path to navigate through. I don't want to push her away. I just want us to go back to the temple together ASAP.

Any thoughts comments ideas greatly appreciated.

[pam]

First I'd like to say welcome to lds.net

The hardest part of all of this is the ability to forgive her and the other person involved. That's where your feelings and struggles to gain something spiritually from Church comes into play.

Secondly, YOU need to set an example that she will hopefully follow. You mention she doesn't say personal prayers, read scriptures or do any of those things that would assist her in the repentance process. Yet you struggle with those as well. Set the example. Start off by saying prayers together, reading the scriptures together, discussing them and how the words can influence both of you.

It may seem like you are having to do all the work for an indisgression that you did not do. But she is in a place right now spiritually where she may need the extra effort you put forth.

Also you need to be honest with her about your feelings but not in a way that will be condemning her for her actions. I'm sure she already feels enough grief and despair over what she has done. The fact that she has spoken to your Bishop is a wonderful first step in her repentance.

Just love her and set the example.

I wish you the best of luck.

[marts1]

How can i blow up at her for not showing me the things she needs to do when I can't do them myself?

.......This is a problem that needs to be addressed. Are you saying that if your doing those things and she is not that you blow up on her? I'm hoping that was a gross exageration.

[Nikkie85]

I would follow Pam's advise and be an example to your wife. If you guys never read your scriptures or said personal prayers before it might seem a little awkward for her a first. I would simply turn to her and say "hey want to read our scriptures". As you guys get in the habit of doing it that is what it will become and you guys will grow closer to each other as well as the lord. I will be honest and say that I would be very uncomfortable going to church with the same person that my spouse had an affair with. I tell my young women when they are having doubts or bad thoughts the best thing to do is sing a hymn in your mind or repeat a scripture. I think it is wonderful that you are trying to save your marriage and hope everything works out for you.

[Guest mirancs8]

I have to say being in the same Ward as the man who had intimate relations with your wife is really tough. I don't know if I could do it. It would just bring the anger to the surface each time I see him. It has to be really tough on her as well. I can't imagine having to sit there with my husband while looking across the pew and knowing my husband knows what happen. Here I am sitting in the same space with them both. Very uncomfortable!

I agree with the above. You must set an example. You must lead her on the right path. Show her by doing it yourself what she should do to make things right again. Straight out tell her what your expectations are... even if you have to make out a list and have her agree to it. Making her meet your conditions might help you to feel that she is earning your trust again AND she can know she is doing what it takes for you to trust her again and resume a normal healthy marriage.

Don't wait to long because the anger will just start to brew. Figure out what it is going to take for you to be OK and move forward in the relationship. You will most likely have to have many uncomfortable conversations with her but it needs to be done.

Good luck with it all. It must be very difficult and very uncomfortable for you.

[sworiginal77]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm having a little difficulty reading some of them, as I'm having to post this from my phone - as much as I'm being honest with my wife, I know she wouldn't appreciate me posting about our troubles.

Most of the things that have been suggested make sense, just going to have to bite the bullet and do things that I haven't done in a long time - saying prayers reading scriptures etc.

When I said "blow up" I meant verbally as in causing or starting an argument, intentionally or not. This happened yesterday at church; it was UK's Mothers Day, and I was doing my best jot to start anything. I have not long been called to a position where I may have to spend time away from my wife in Sunday School, and as such we were both out of lesson at the start but both went in. During RS and Priesthood she didn't to in as she got hijacked and then spoke to a friend. I was uneasy about her not being in RS, not through distrust, as other member was not there, but I couldnt concentrate, and so took myself out of lesson and sat outside the building, as it was a nice day. At end of the lesson time she came and found me, and asked why i was outside. I was honest with my answer which led to ill feeling between us for the rest of the day. So again I ruined not only another Sunday but Mothers Day for her as well, as the kids obviously picked up on it as well.

I am quick to verbal anger, and when I am not it gets bottled up until it overflows, causing bigger arguments. I struggle with what happened, more struggle to understand what she was feeling during the affair, rather than the mechanics of it, and as such I repeat that conversation/argument a lot. But with time i am slowly mending, but church is slower than me mentally. I have a few good friends who know, but i cant keep dumping this at their feet.

Needless to say this is the single hardest thing i have ever had to deal with.

[Wisc]

IF you and the other guy's wife are both willing to forgive your offending spouses I might suggest this...

Arrange to meet all four of you together WITH the Bishop and openly in the meeting address how you feel, and point out that the shoe could have been on the other foot, what if you and his wife had been the offenders? How would they have recieved you two?? And finally, let him know that you forgive him. And that you forgive your wife. And that you hold no grudge against his wife either *sometimes we begrudge others by association*

And allow his wife to express her feelings to the group and have the oportunity to speak as her heart and the spirit directs.

After that I would suggest ZERO interaction with this couple outside of church. And maybe none at church either for a while.

Normally the best thing is to not confront the other guy...but since he goes to church with you you're going to have to anyways so better to do it in a controlled situation instead of just randomly in the halls.

Friend. I know both sides of this darkness. I have been both victim and villian. Speaking as both, have mercy on your wife friend. Ask yourself this; If she were just shot in the chest and lay dying in the ER and you had only moments left with her.... would any of this matter in that moment? If it would, then perhaps its time to move on and get rid of her. But, I know it would not. I know in that instance all your soul would be consumed with would be despair at her loss and your prayers to God would be screams for her life preserved.

That is the power of Christ's Atonement! It makes us see past and through the sin. It not only focuses our eyes and hearts to the individual worth of our fallen loved one but it also removes the transgression from them in ways that are absolutely litteral.

If she truly repents then the Lord will forgive! And if the Lord forgives then YOU may be assured her repentance is genuine and her body, soul, and mind are pure... and 100% yours again for all time and all eternity.

Edited March 15, 2010 by Wisc

[sworiginal77]

Wisc

The latter bold part of your post really brought it home to me - yes the current situation would pale into insignificance, and that revelation made me quite emotional (although i did manage to hold it together).

Unfortunately the first part of your post is unlikely to ever happen. I have no problem with the other members wife, although we do not talk due to associations we both hold with our respective spouses - she has taken him back also. Bishop has advised that neither families have anything to do with each other at church or elsewhere, and that there be no communication at all. All of which is fine by me. I have no intention of ever forgiving the other member as not only did he sleep with my wife, who admittedly was a willing/involved party, but he also did this against me. I would never say we were friends but our families had associated with each other. There is also a past to the infidelity on his part, where he made his feelings known a few years back, about my wife, but nothing ever happened, as my wife had no interest in him. He even told me a few weeks before the indiscretion, that what he had made known previously was all over with and that he had moved on - he even shook my hand! So i will willingly take my hatred of and for him with me to the grave.

I know the lord states that we are required to forgive every one, and he is the only person who can judge, and this is smething i am willing to face my maker about.

In time my feelings about and towards him will lessen, but i will still choose not to forgive.

A mutual friend had suggested the mediated meeting, but also understood why it would never take place.

The other member has a history of inactivity, and a rocky marriage. I would never wish inactivity on anyone, but i would happily see him never return to my ward/stake. I have had many thoughts as to what i would like to happen to him, and when i found out, even acted on one of them. In the cold light of day i'm glad nothing happened when i turned up at his door, as i would be paying for those consequences for a very long time, if not eternally, but that does not mean i would still not want to do those things, i just choose not to.

I also broke the word of wisdom that night in a big way (i had a period of some years away from the church and fell on some old crutches) and had a member friend watch me do so, as he realised if he didnt i would have done these things anyway, and at least he would have some control over what i did if he was there, and i thank him for doing this for me - others might not agree he did the right thing, but my bishop also thanked him for doing this.

I am not innocent, things were not brilliant in my marriage before my wifes infidelity, nothing serious, but not good either. And if nothing else the current situation has made us realise how bad things were, and what we need to do to rectify this. Something that my wife and i are working on as best we can.

Thank you once again for your advice - all of you.

Please keep the comments and thoughts coming.

[marts1]

After 3 temple sealings and 3 devorces so long ago, I can remember the anger, the many arguments, the absence of the Spirit. In those 3 marriages we were living the gospel as well as anyone else, so it seemed. It was made known to me that if I had stretched just a little further and done this one thing, devorce would not have been a part of my life. This scripture study talk may be much more important then you might first think. 2Nephi 31:19-20 Jacob 7:23 Mosiah 1:7 Those that take the time to actually do this are the only one's that know and feel the blessings that follow.

[JudoMinja]

Here's a little something to think about, along with the wonderful advice others have already given you:

These feelings you are experiencing are all part of the healing process. You were hurt, deeply, by this sin. It will be hard for your wife to acknowledge and understand these feelings because she is trying so hard to put the sin in the past, repent, and move forward. But the hurt will always be there. You will struggle with trusting her, with forgiving both her and the other guy, with feeling angry, sad, depressed, incomplete, rejected, etc. It is perfectly natural for you to feel this way.

Acknowledging these emotions will keep them from eating away at you. When you let them fester, your spiritual, emotional, and even physical well-being will suffer for it. While it will be hard for your wife, your healing is part of the package of her sin. She cannot repent and let go of the past and leave you in the dust. She needs to work with you, to aid you in your healing process. She needs to know about how you are feeling and you need to work together in forming constructive ways to rebuild the trust and love in your relationship that has been broken.

The damage will not go away when it is ignored. It must be mended, and that takes time and conscious effort. Only with that will you find yourself feeling renewed, and your marriage can become even stronger through this experience.

[sworiginal77]

I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and comments.

I can't say I have turned to my father in prayer or read scriptures since posting here, I know I need to, but haven't the heart to face either. The fact I haven't seen the other member in a fortnight is a good thing for me, but instead of getting hung up on him, I have just looked for other things to become upset about, such as my wires apparent lack of effort in meeting her requirements.

Should I leave this to her and our bishop? Should I concentrate on what I need to do? What can I do when I have no desire to pray or read scripture? Is it enough to go through the motions each Sunday when I am questioning why I am there?

As you can see this has knocked me for 6, and I really don't know how I feel about church at present.

[alexm8]

This is my first post here, but as I was reading your story, my heart went out to you. I am facing somewhat of a similar situation, although different in that I find myself masochistically encouraging my wife's affair. I think our views of infidelity change as we age.

The part that saddens me about your story is your hatred and inability forgive the "other man". It reminds me of a tale I heard once about Buddha.

A man came to Buddha and cursed him, calling him all manner of names, swearing insults, and angry slandering.

Buddha responded with a parable saying, "If a man gives to another a gift, but the receiver refuses to accept the gift, to whom does the gift belong?" The man thought about it, and replied, "The gift would belong to the giver." Buddha then continued, "So it is with your insults as I refuse to receive them."

Your inability to forgive the "other man" does not belong to him, and will have no bearing in his life. He doesn't care; he has his own demons he lives with. Your anger lies within YOU, and affects YOU, and it will tear YOU apart. This is why Christ said, "of you it is required to forgive ALL men." (D&C 64: 10)

Forgiveness is a SELF-healing process. It doesn't mean you forget the offense, but it releases the anger, frustration, depression, and darkness YOU feel. If you want to feel whole again, you will need to forgive. Start by just saying the words, "I forgive you." Say, "I forgive you" to yourself in the mirror. You don't even have to mean it, but saying those words can be liberating. If you do, someday you will be able to say those words to your wife. And someday you will be able to feel it towards the "other man" (although you do not ever need tell him in order to forgive him).

[sworiginal77]

I've never thought of forgiveness in that light before - never really had the need to forgive anyone of anything on this scale before.

I'm afraid of letting this anger go. I want to be able to forgive my wife, I'm just not in a place yet, where i can say it and mean it wholeheartedly. I'm scared that if I let go of the anger we could become complacent again - with us returning to a marriage that will fizzle out and die, or worse yet more infidelity on either part.

I don't want to feel this way, I don't want to think about this all the time, but what took place is never far from my waking thoughts. I want to love and be in love witu my wife, but struggle as she has caused me so much pain.

As for the other member, not only did he have an affair with my wife, he told me a couple of weeks before the affair took place that in spite of how he made his feelings for my wife known a couple of years back, he had now moved on and shook my hand. Not only was he lying to me he then went looking for my wife. I take what he did as a personal attack, and not someone who got caught up in an affair which could be understandable, he went looking for it. He found a chink in my wifes armour and she accepted his advances.

That is why i choose not to let go of my hatred for him.

This may change with time but i doubt it.

[funkenheimer]

I like some of the previous suggestions, but in my opinion the first thing I would do is move. It sounds like you are both ready for a change. Seeing that man every week would be more than I could take, eventually I would say or do something i would regret. Or more likely I would say and do something I would regret.

[MichaelCraig]

Refusing to not forgive a person is like....you taking poison, and waiting for the other person to die. It may be the hardest thing you have or will ever do, but you must forgive. You don't have to forget, but you must forgive. If you do not forgive this man, Heavenly Father will not forgive you. Do you remember the prayer we learned as small children? Our Father, who art in Heaven...yes, that one. Think about the words that say "please forgive me of my tresspasses, as I forgive those who treepass against me". Don't you understand what that is saying? Every time you have prayed that prayer you have been asking Heavenly Father to forgive you just like you forgive others. If you do NOT forgive them I guess you are basically asking Heavenly Father to NOT forgive you. It is not an option. Well, not if you plan to be in a better place when your day comes to leave Earth. It's up to you. Allow this cancer to ruin what time you have left on this Earth and then be in a terrible place when your time is up...or, forgive him. If you can't do this on your own and need strength to do it, ask, and you will recieve.

[Maya]

You might say been ther done that.... what I have noticed is,, that the ONLY thing that helps is to put everything in the hands of the Lord. The deed is too terrible for someone whos thoughts are very far from such a deed to mange to heel him/her self. It is like meeting with a brick wall in full speed. The only thing you can do, is to deliver yoursef totally to the doctor... they say you CAN heel... trust the doctor... dont fight against the medicine offered to you.

The forgiveness can ONLY strengther a relationship that is rigious in Gods eyes. She will even more try to be a good spouse, a good LDS beside you.. better than ever. Then again IF her rependance is not real... she will parish, dig her own "grave"... but YOU have done all you can and this will be seen by the Lord and you will get your reward either here on earth or in the next world to come.

This was probably a very good lesson of life to you too and everyone else around you about how you need to be observant against evil ALL the time.

[Faded]

Hi - new to forum, not new to gospel.

I'm needing some advice. Been married almost 7 years and three months ago my wife informed me she had had a week long affair with a member of my ward, which she ended. Been through heartache, emotional upheaval, anger, hatred, and being reminded of my wifes infidelity weekly when I see him. We are still together and working through it. On good days its the best our marriage has ever been. On flipside bad days are really bad with me reliving what I have been told.

Both my wife and other member ( he's a married member as well) have been through disciplinary process, and although my wife confessed to me about the affair, and wanted to repent in the eyes of the lord, I have yet to see her repentance process regarding church manifest itself. We both attend church, she meets the basic requirements regarding congregation stuff. But I don't see her saying personal prayers, reading scriptures, or going to lessons or meetings willingly. Admittedly I struggle with some of these as well. I am also starting to question my attendance on Sundays, because of seeing him, and the feelings that this brings to the surface. But if my wife is dragging her feet with putting her church life straight, I also ask wheres the point in putting myself through the hurt of Sundays to feel rubbish and not get the spiritual uplift i so desperately need.

(My wife has no interest in the other member, I understand where she was mentally at the time off the affair, and I believe her when she says it was a horrible mistake that she would never repeat.)

How can I get past this when I still feel a strong hatred for him, the fact that the one person I love most has hurt me so much, I can't get the spiritual lift I need, and struggle to say prayers or study scriptures. How can i blow up at her for not showing me the things she needs to do when I can't do them myself?

I love my wife, and in spite of the affair I believe her when she says she loves me, and will never put me through this anguish ever again. But I'm on a huge rollercoaster with no set path to navigate through. I don't want to push her away. I just want us to go back to the temple together ASAP.

Any thoughts comments ideas greatly appreciated.

Having been through the emotional train-wreck of finding out that your wife has committed adultery, first let me offer my sympathies. I know how terrible this feels. I was fortunate enough: The other man lives in another state, isn't a member and my wife and I can sever all contact and never see or hear from him again. Yours is a very difficult circumstance.

Depending upon your circumstances, you might ask your bishop if it would be okay for you and your family to attend a different nearby ward. I know that I've seen circumstances where this sort of accommodation was made on behalf of a family that was split up because of adultery, but everyone still lived in the same ward boundaries.

Forgiving the other man has to happen eventually, but it ain't easy. I'm getting there. My wife also has had some very bitter and angry feelings for him and has found she needs to forgive him as well. Seeing the other man at Church every week just makes it that much harder. It is also likely an unnecessary distraction from your wife's repentance process.

One thing I did to try to help my wife in her daily goals: I created two white-board charts (drew lines in permanent marker) with daily and weekly goals on it. What I found is that when I'm diligently doing what I'm supposed to do and marking those items on the chart, it tends to inspire her to do better. I do try to offer up words of encouragement too. Any statements of negativity always backfires, but positive encouragement has worked well. We've realized that a large part of the reason that the affair even happened was because we weren't doing the things we know we should be doing: Daily prayer, church attendance, scripture study, etc.

Sorry for rambling so long, but hope that helps some.

[Faded]

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm having a little difficulty reading some of them, as I'm having to post this from my phone - as much as I'm being honest with my wife, I know she wouldn't appreciate me posting about our troubles.

This is an important point of open honesty. I think it best that you tell your wife that:

A.) You need to talk this through and just have a place to talk about it all, and you've chosen to do so on lds.net. That was exactly why I came to this site a little over a year ago. I needed an outlet because it was simply too much for me to suffer through in silence.

B.) Offer assurances that you will protect her honor by keeping your identities anonymous. The biggest reason your posting here would upset her likely comes down to everyone she knows finding out what she's done, etc. That was the other half of my need: I needed to talk through my thoughts and feelings and yet I didn't want her to be ridiculed for the rest of her life -- that would be counter-productive and only lead to her giving up and living in constant despair. That would only be setting her up for failure in the long run.

Edited March 19, 2010 by Faded

[sworiginal77]

Moving away is not currently viable, although that may change in a couple of months. Neither is going temporarily to another ward. We have 4 kids, two of which are in youth and at an age where they are questioning church attendance. Going to another ward is just likely to tip the balance for them. That and it only postpones the inevitable having to deal with him later at stake events, conferences and returning to our home ward. Our Bishop did offer this option to us in the beginning, and understood why we turned it down. That and why should I be driven away from my ward and friends because of the actions of another?! As painful and soul destroying as it maybe - also going back to the poison analogy, ingesting small amounts of poison can have adverse effects to begin with, without being life threatening, but over a course of time can build an immunity towards it.

I understand what has been suggested and said about forgiveness, but I am just not in a place to do that for/to him, whereas with my wife I am wanting to do so and am willing to work towards that with her.

I've had a bad few days and this has led to some deep conversations about everything with my wife - most of which ended in bad feelings on both parts.

I've a problem with what she tells me about the affair. She stated that for her the sex was a by product of the affair - that he was telling her he loved her and that she was beautiful the way she is, etc, all of these things she needed me to tell her, as she honestly believed I nolonger loved her. Because of these words having sex with him was easier to do. Fortunately for me the sex wasn't up to much, well that is what she tells me. Over the course of the affair the sex didnt improve much and she realised although she longed to hear what he was saying, she didn't have the connection to him that she had with me. Unbeknownst to me, we also had sex in the same time frame of the affair, which also then made her realise what she had with me, and could she ever feel the same with him or anybody else? The affair ended two days later. I just can't get my head around why she was having sex with him when she had no physical connection with him, not even emotional connections, other than enjoying and needing to hear the things he was telling her, and repeatedly going back and having sex, when it was mediocre at best (again her words). I have come to the realisation I will never understand, but that doesn't stop me questioning or make it easier.

[sworiginal77]

Moving away is not currently viable, although that may change in a couple of months. Neither is going temporarily to another ward. We have 4 kids, two of which are in youth and at an age where they are questioning church attendance. Going to another ward is just likely to tip the balance for them. That and it only postpones the inevitable having to deal with him later at stake events, conferences and returning to our home ward. Our Bishop did offer this option to us in the beginning, and understood why we turned it down. That and why should I be driven away from my ward and friends because of the actions of another?! As painful and soul destroying as it maybe - also going back to the poison analogy, ingesting small amounts of poison can have adverse effects to begin with, without being life threatening, but over a course of time can build an immunity towards it.

I understand what has been suggested and said about forgiveness, but I am just not in a place to do that for/to him, whereas with my wife I am wanting to do so and am willing to work towards that with her.

I've had a bad few days and this has led to some deep conversations about everything with my wife - most of which ended in bad feelings on both parts.

I've a problem with what she tells me about the affair. She stated that for her the sex was a by product of the affair - that he was telling her he loved her and that she was beautiful the way she is, etc, all of these things she needed me to tell her, as she honestly believed I nolonger loved her. Because of these words having sex with him was easier to do. Fortunately for me the sex wasn't up to much, well that is what she tells me. Over the course of the affair the sex didnt improve much and she realised although she longed to hear what he was saying, she didn't have the connection to him that she had with me. Unbeknownst to me, we also had sex in the same time frame of the affair, which also then made her realise what she had with me, and could she ever feel the same with him or anybody else? The affair ended two days later. I just can't get my head around why she was having sex with him when she had no physical connection with him, not even emotional connections, other than enjoying and needing to hear the things he was telling her, and repeatedly going back and having sex, when it was mediocre at best (again her words). I have come to the realisation I will never understand, but that doesn't stop me questioning or make it easier.

I also cant stop the thoughts of what they got up to, all of which are depleting my energy reserves.

But yesterday my wife saw i was in a very bad place and let me know that she told me of the affair, she ended the affair, she hates what she did and how it effects me, and although she cant change those things, she loves me and will never do this again. She will not allow me to seld destruct or inadvertently destroy the marriage now that we are able to fix it and make it stronger - especially when I am having a good day, it is the best our marriage has ever been.

So i am just going to have to try harder.

As for spirituality tally board, that's not a bad idea. Something we could get the kids involved in without them knowing the real reason why.

[Faded]

Moving away is not currently viable, although that may change in a couple of months. Neither is going temporarily to another ward. We have 4 kids, two of which are in youth and at an age where they are questioning church attendance. Going to another ward is just likely to tip the balance for them. That and it only postpones the inevitable having to deal with him later at stake events, conferences and returning to our home ward. Our Bishop did offer this option to us in the beginning, and understood why we turned it down. That and why should I be driven away from my ward and friends because of the actions of another?! As painful and soul destroying as it maybe - also going back to the poison analogy, ingesting small amounts of poison can have adverse effects to begin with, without being life threatening, but over a course of time can build an immunity towards it.

Completely understandable.

I understand what has been suggested and said about forgiveness, but I am just not in a place to do that for/to him, whereas with my wife I am wanting to do so and am willing to work towards that with her.

I've had a bad few days and this has led to some deep conversations about everything with my wife - most of which ended in bad feelings on both parts.

I've a problem with what she tells me about the affair. She stated that for her the sex was a by product of the affair - that he was telling her he loved her and that she was beautiful the way she is, etc, all of these things she needed me to tell her, as she honestly believed I no longer loved her. Because of these words having sex with him was easier to do. Fortunately for me the sex wasn't up to much, well that is what she tells me. Over the course of the affair the sex didn't improve much and she realized although she longed to hear what he was saying, she didn't have the connection to him that she had with me. Unbeknownst to me, we also had sex in the same time frame of the affair, which also then made her realize what she had with me, and could she ever feel the same with him or anybody else? The affair ended two days later. I just can't get my head around why she was having sex with him when she had no physical connection with him, not even emotional connections, other than enjoying and needing to hear the things he was telling her, and repeatedly going back and having sex, when it was mediocre at best (again her words). I have come to the realization I will never understand, but that doesn't stop me questioning or make it easier.

There were aspects of my own wife's affair that still completely blow my mind and make me wonder if it's all just been a bad dream. I won't do her the dishonor of digging those up again. I've forgiven her, and I have to tell you that it feels like no longer having to carry ten tons of bricks around everywhere I go. But forgiving my wife and the other man (that's a work in progress still) ISN'T EASY. Nobody can fully appreciate how hard it is unless they've been through it. People can parrot "you must forgive!" until doomsday, but rebuilding trust isn't easy at all when it has been betrayed so deeply.

But ultimately, their right. You have to get there, and the sooner the better.

I also cant stop the thoughts of what they got up to, all of which are depleting my energy reserves.

But yesterday my wife saw i was in a very bad place and let me know that she told me of the affair, she ended the affair, she hates what she did and how it effects me, and although she cant change those things, she loves me and will never do this again. She will not allow me to self destruct or inadvertently destroy the marriage now that we are able to fix it and make it stronger - especially when I am having a good day, it is the best our marriage has ever been.

So i am just going to have to try harder.

As for spirituality tally board, that's not a bad idea. Something we could get the kids involved in without them knowing the real reason why.

From my experience:

1.) Solution for it draining all the energy and happiness out of your life? Read your scriptures, pray, dig deep in prayer and seek the guidance of your Heavenly Father, do the things you know you should be doing in your life. It helps to tell your wife, "I love you" and that you think she's pretty as often as possible. "As a man [speaketh] so is he" has more truth to it than you think. The more you say those things to her, the more you'll realize that's how you really feel. Fulfill the emotional needs that she foolishly thought she couldn't get from you. Leave no room for her to doubt it.

2.) Solution for self-destructive feelings and behavior: See number 1.

3.) Solution to pretty much everything else you might mention: See number 1.

You have to put aside the feelings of vengefulness (if you're having them), pessimism (if you're having them) and wishes to see either of them suffer (if you're having them.)

I do remember quietly hoping that something really terrible happened to the other man. I told myself a hundred times that I'd beat him to a bloody pulp the next time I saw him, IF I ever saw him again. It's through the Atonement of Jesus Christ that I've let go of these sentiments. Feeling that way does nothing good for my wife and I, and just ends up making me miserable inside.

Talk to your wife and try to create a roadmap for her to rebuild your ability to trust her. These may be goals or any manner of things, but you've got to figure out in your own mind what you need from her, and then you need to be up front and honest.

[sworiginal77]

EAll of this is made all the harder as I am studying at university retraining, holding down a fulltime job, having to find a job for when my current contract runs out - all three of the above are related, and my wife added this on top of what was already going to be a stressful year without her revelation. Hence energy reserves are running on fumes.

The initial vengeance I felt towards him, led me to his door with a tyre iron/wheel brace in my hand and had he opened the door, I would have put it through the front of his skull. Fortunately for both of us, he chose not to open the door, he didn't even acknowledge I was there - although he did phone my mobile, which i had purposefully left at home; what he would have said to me had I answered is anybody's guess. At the same time, my wife had phoned a mutual friend and within minutes three members were out looking for me - she had just. told me who the person was and was worried and distraught at what I might do. Now I can put that down to temporary insanity as I have never done anything like that ever. But the only reason I haven't followed through on that, or anything similar since then is because of the repercussions and consequences. Doesn't mean I don't want to do it though.

There is not enough money on the entire planet that would compensate for this year, or convince me to live through it again.

Oh well ... I'm going to have to place this one at my lords feet, because I'm all but done. I believe my wife loves me, I want to love her and not have the baggage to deal with, and I think we can make it. Just have to find a way through it.

(edit addition) I spoke to my wife yesterday, as she knows how difficult I am finding everything. We or rather she said the first companionship prayer we have ever done together. And she stated she wants to be temple worthy so we can go together before the years out. So things are moving forward.

I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments and thoughts.

Edited March 21, 2010 by sworiginal77
spelling

[sworiginal77]

All of this is made all the harder as I am studying at university retraining, holding down a fulltime job, having to find a job for when my current contract runs out - all three of the above are related, and my wife added this on top of what was already going to be a stressful year without her revelation. Hence energy reserves are running on fumes.

The initial vengeance I felt towards him, led me to. his door with a rude iron/wheel brace in my hand and had he opened the door, I would have put it through the front of his skull. Now I can put that down to temporary insanity as I have never done anything like that ever. But the only reason I haven't followed through on that, or anything similar since then is because of the repercussions and consequences. Doesn't mean I don't want to do it though.

There is not enough money on the entire planet that would compensate for this year, or convince me to live through it again.

Oh well ... I'm going to have to place this one at my lords feet, because I'm all but done. I believe my wife loves me, I want to love her and not have the baggage to deal with, and I think we can make it. Just have to find a way through it.

[Aussie]

Bro, do I know you from another forum on line??? (AussieOi)

Also, i respect that I can't empathise with you here, but the guy needs a good kneecapping

He is a total piece of ****.

i find it offensive that you have to even see the worm. He should be ashamed of himself and slink out of your sight and your presence.

Can I ask why you go to the same ward? Of course he the turd should be the one to go elsewhere, but while this is still tender with you and your wife in the rehabilitation of your marriage, callings are completely irrelevent

I'd just go to another ward, better I'd tell the bishop HE is going to another ward. I am flabbergasted that the bishop thinks you can all stay in the same ward? sounds bizarre. shame he's not here in Oz. He needs a good whooping. at the very least if he had_any_decency, he'd have come around and given you a stick of wood and asked you to lay into him with it.

my thoughts only. hang tough bro. takes years, you'll get through it eventually. i can say i KNOW exactly the mental pain you are going through reliving and bringing it up over and over when you don't want to it just comes back and gnaws at you. all i can say is, it really does go away, it really does. time, and many shared experiences paint over it. you WILL get over it, but i won't lie, its a miserable frikkin place in the meantime.

i had to just accept we were all failed. and while i didn't do what she did, could i have, - well, if the boot were reversed i probably would have. so i just told the lord that if i have to forget/ forgive (and i had nothing to forgive really) then all i could ask was that the Lord is as merciful to me and my failings come judgement as i have to be to them/ her, as he has to be to them/ her. sometimes i thought that justified me to go out and freelance, and get my fill, but then i knew that wouldnt make me or any of us happier.

i really am feeling for you brother, and while i dont know you , your in my prayers.

edit: just read more of the thread. much of the above is now redundant. violence wil lmake you feel better temporarily, but then you become the bad guy. it will solve nothing.

Edited March 22, 2010 by Aussie
read more of the thread

[Faded]

I spoke to my wife yesterday, as she knows how difficult I am finding everything. We or rather she said the first companionship prayer we have ever done together. And she stated she wants to be temple worthy so we can go together before the years out. So things are moving forward.

I would like to thank everyone for the kind comments and thoughts.

Good luck sir. I know that it's a terrible thing to live through. I rightly remember the day I found out at the worst day in my life. It does sound like you have set a solid course for things and that is commendable. Stay strong, stay determined and do everything to keep the Spirit of God as involved as possible.

Feel free to update us with any further concerns. If you want, feel free to private message me here.