alcohol in the home

[leigh23]

My husband and I recently bought our first home not too far from my parents. Most of my family are not members and drink alcohol. This really concerns my dad though. He is never obnoxious or irresponsible when it comes to drinking.. We have no problem going to our family members houses where they consume alcohol. We know its their choice. When it came time to decide whether or not to allow alcohol in our home, my husband said it was ultimately up to me because it was my family that would be affected. He would prefer no alcohol, but would support me on whatever I decided. I decided that I don't want it. Its our home and I want our son to see that we hold to the higher standards when in our own home.

My dad was not happy with this choice. When we had our son's birthday party, he had been planning on supplying the alcohol, he doesn't expect us to buy it. It is the same thing he does whenever my sister (a member) has get togethers at her house. The birthday party went fine and he didn't bring any alcohol.

However twice then he has brought alcohol over. Once when we invited my parents over for dinner (my mom is a member). I told him I wasn't happy about it but then let it drop because I didn't want to ruin the night. Then recently he came over to drop off a grill and cracked open a beer as soon as he got out of his truck. He was here 20-30 minutes.

So here is my question, do I push the issue? I love my dad and I don't want to alienate him. He thinks I am trying to push my beliefs on him. I see it as its my house and my rules, it doesn't matter what your beliefs are. I'm kind of ticked that he is just ignoring what I asked of him. And besides I just don't get why he can't go a few hours without a beer.

Its hard because my sister does allow it so I think he thinks that since she says its okay, I should be okay with it too. And I think he also believes that its my husband is behind the rule when really its me. My husband hasn't said anything about either incident.

[WmLee]

My grandmother smoked like a chimney. She also liked a little something in the evening before she went to bed. When she came to visit my wife was very worried primarily about the smoking. I reminded grandma and she understood that we, as a part of our religious practice, did not smoke or drink. In our house she was always more than welcome and we loved her more than anything, but we were asking her to understand and support our beliefs in our house.

After dinner she would go outside for a “walk” (she took a lot of those) and joked about missing her “medicine” at night. But, she respected our religion as we always understood her life's choice when we went to her house. When she got really old and moved closer to us I took her to mass twice a month. I think it was a fair trade.

If you father can’t make it more than a few hours without a drink, perhaps the problem isn’t with your beliefs but with his dependency.

[marts1]

I was also thinking maybe your dad has more of a problem with acohol then you might think. I'm not saying its a huge problem, just a tad more then you think.

[Elgama]

its a family choice - personally I allow my family to smoke in our home, alcohol is restricted to occasional ofbeer or glass of wine, I'd rather my kids got to enjoy what little family we have

[john doe]

Your dad needs to be reminded that you are an adult and that you have the right to decided what is acceptable for your home, not him. Tell him that alcohol is not allowed in your home, if he can't go a few hours without drinking, then he probably has a problem. If he doesn't have a problem, then he's doing it to bully you. You can choose to be a doormat and let him walk all over you, or you can set limits and stick to them.

[NeuroTypical]

However twice then he has brought alcohol over. Once when we invited my parents over for dinner (my mom is a member). I told him I wasn't happy about it but then let it drop because I didn't want to ruin the night. Then recently he came over to drop off a grill and cracked open a beer as soon as he got out of his truck. He was here 20-30 minutes.

So here is my question, do I push the issue?

You are the only one that can answer that question. You really only have two choices - put up with it and smile for as long as he's alive, or do what it takes to get it to stop. It really is up to you.

Your dad will probably always bring alcohol to your home and drink it, unless you push the issue. Another harsh reality - 'pushing the issue' does not mean politely bringing it up. It means you'll have to 'ruin the night'. Clearly explaining to him that he is not welcome on your property with alcohol is the first step. And then it means making good on your threat, and the next time he brings alcohol, telling him to leave and not come back until he can leave his drinks behind. Then, depending on what kind of guy he is, you might need to endure his outbursts and whining and playing the victim and turning the family against you and all the other nasty tricks that people use when they're trying to manipulate someone.

You can shoot disaproving looks, mention that you don't like it, ask him not to do it any more until you're blue in the face - it won't change anything. The only way to stop it, is to put a stop to it. I think he figures you'll fold. You should decide whether you will or not - because doing it halfway is the same result as not doing it at all.

LM

[Guest]

My family are non-members. Although they don't drink on regular occassions, they do drink at parties. For my family, a party is incomplete without alcohol. I don't serve alcohol in my parties and my family knows we don't drink period. They used to bring alcohol (it's tradition!) to my house (I'm a convert) and it took a long time after I got baptized before they got tired of always having to provide the alcohol at my parties because I don't serve them. The first few parties I had, my in-laws (members since birth), would walk out the door when my family walks in with the booze.

My husband and I really don't care one way or the other if my family brings alcohol. Family is a big thing for us and we take them as they come. Everybody knows where we stand and my sons see the example of my husband and I restraining from alcohol even with everybody around us drinking. They know without a shadow of a doubt that's not something we do.

My in-laws finally realized my husband regrets that they would leave the party but he wouldn't do anything to change things. My husband figured that if it's not alcohol, it will be something else - like my dad's racy jokes, or their ignorant comments about the church, or the 20th karaoke rendition of My Way for the evening... so if they want to leave, then he can't really stop them.

And my family finally realized, that even if they bring alcohol half of the people at the party won't touch it and still have fun. They also learned a lot about the church at these parties when they start to get curious on why we do things differently - like we don't have parties on Sundays (the traditional party day), or that we serve meat on Fridays (the Catholic no meat day).

So, after a few years of that, my in-laws have fun at the parties now even with my crazy family. And my family don't bother with alcohol anymore. Everybody wins and my family looks at my husband with respect for his firm principles.

But, that's just how it worked out for us. It's different for everybody.

[Wingnut]

Am I the only one who sees a problem with grandpa popping open a six-pack at a little kid's birthday party?

[john doe]

Am I the only one who sees a problem with grandpa popping open a six-pack at a little kid's birthday party?

I would have a problem with it, but I can see how it is accepted in some families. Not that that makes it right, but it is accepted.

[Wingnut]

I would have a problem with it, but I can see how it is accepted in some families. Not that that makes it right, but it is accepted.

One of my FB "friends" posted a few weeks ago something about her son, who is not quite three years old. She was laughing about how she went to get a beer from the fridge, and her son told her to go sit down while he brought her the beer. "Train 'em young," she said. I was disgusted.

[Guest]

One of my FB "friends" posted a few weeks ago something about her son, who is not quite three years old. She was laughing about how she went to get a beer from the fridge, and her son told her to go sit down while he brought her the beer. "Train 'em young," she said. I was disgusted.

I had my first and last beer when I was about 6 years old. My dad was a chemist at a beer company. Beer is always in the fridge right next to the soda/juice/water. At about 6 years old I learned how beer tasted disgusting compared to the soda/juice/water. So, everytime I open the fridge, I always went for the juice. None of my family drink on regular occasions - not that anybody stopped them, but because it just doesn't taste as good as soda/juice/water and being athletes, we learned it is not good for regular consumption. The beer stays in the fridge until we have guests over and they get offered a cold one. And it gets wiped out at parties. Yeah, we got trained young.

[WindRiver]

As already mentioned there is no "doctrine" you need to follow on this, totally your decision to make.

I have seen the destruction alcohol causes and don't want it in my home even if they are "nice" drunks. I also feel that when people are drinking it drives the spirit away and I don't want the spirit being forced to leave our home.

If someone is offended by my house rules then that is their problem. Who knows they might learn by being at a party without booze at your house that yes, you can have fun without being intoxicated!

Additionally, allowing others to drink in our home sends a huge negative message to our kids and I think to everyone around us. Stand up for what you believe!

[hordak]

One of my FB "friends" posted a few weeks ago something about her son, who is not quite three years old. She was laughing about how she went to get a beer from the fridge, and her son told her to go sit down while he brought her the beer. "Train 'em young," she said. I was disgusted.

I send my kids to get the phone, car keys, diapers, wipes, remote etc. without letting them use them. I see no difference.

Now if it was get me a beer and you get a drink (my grandpa used to do that) i could see the issue.

[hordak]

This is a toughy. I see no problem with allowing others to drink ,especially when they bring it, even though i don't. It's like eating pork or shaving. Some people covenant not to, others don't. And personally i think it would set a better example to see how mommy and daddy can not drink and have as much fun as grandpa who does as opposed to the we don't drink so we don't let others do it .(Assuming Grandpas not getting drunk).

That said I don't see why grandpa can't go an hour or 2 without a drink, and would love the opportunity to look my dad right in the eye and say

"This is my house, and when you are under my roof you will follow my rules you got that mister" "How do you like it." "Not so fun when you're on the other side huh huh"^_^

In either event you need "stick to your guns" and go all the way. Give them and inch...

[marts1]

When things get out of hand, it happens a lot quicker and more violent if thiers drinking involved. If this is allowed then maybe drugs and smoking too.

[NeuroTypical]

Some of my random experiences:

* I was trained from age 5 to bring my dad a beer. I'd bring it to him open.

* My wife once went to a baby shower where alcohol was served.

* I once bought all the alcohol for a company party. (Hint: Outside of Utah, this happens all the time.) Not a half bad missionary experience, actually. Everyone learned I was LDS, they learned a few things about the church, and just about everyone respected my choice to not drink. I introduced everyone to the issue when they just assumed that since I would place order, I'd know what to order. "Listen folks, I'm happy to place the order, but if you let the Mormon chose what we're drinking, prepare for a lot of grape punch and maybe some Sprite!" We had a chuckle, and they told me what to order.

LM

[Maureen]

My husband and I recently bought our first home not too far from my parents. Most of my family are not members and drink alcohol. This really concerns my dad though. He is never obnoxious or irresponsible when it comes to drinking.. We have no problem going to our family members houses where they consume alcohol. We know its their choice. When it came time to decide whether or not to allow alcohol in our home, my husband said it was ultimately up to me because it was my family that would be affected. He would prefer no alcohol, but would support me on whatever I decided. I decided that I don't want it. Its our home and I want our son to see that we hold to the higher standards when in our own home.

My dad was not happy with this choice. When we had our son's birthday party, he had been planning on supplying the alcohol, he doesn't expect us to buy it. It is the same thing he does whenever my sister (a member) has get togethers at her house. The birthday party went fine and he didn't bring any alcohol.

However twice then he has brought alcohol over. Once when we invited my parents over for dinner (my mom is a member). I told him I wasn't happy about it but then let it drop because I didn't want to ruin the night. Then recently he came over to drop off a grill and cracked open a beer as soon as he got out of his truck. He was here 20-30 minutes.

So here is my question, do I push the issue? I love my dad and I don't want to alienate him. He thinks I am trying to push my beliefs on him. I see it as its my house and my rules, it doesn't matter what your beliefs are. I'm kind of ticked that he is just ignoring what I asked of him. And besides I just don't get why he can't go a few hours without a beer.

Its hard because my sister does allow it so I think he thinks that since she says its okay, I should be okay with it too. And I think he also believes that its my husband is behind the rule when really its me. My husband hasn't said anything about either incident.

I am non-LDS and drink alcohol occasionally. My advice is to be firm with your Dad. You are an adult with your own home and he should respect your rules and wishes while he visits you at your house. You are not taking away his right to drink alcohol, you are making the choice, which is your right, to not have alcohol in your own home. You should ask him why he finds it so difficult to respect your wishes. If he can only socialize with others when alcohol is available then he might need to evaluate how dependent he is with alcohol.

M.

[MisterT]

This all comes down to respect. People need to respect you and your home. If you keep a dry home and others are angry about it, its likely due to substance abuse and dependancy.

I'd be a little pissed off is someone had so little respect for me as to blantantly violate the sanctity of my home, my castle, by bringing in items that I'm against, or being under the influence of intoxicants in my home.

If a guest wants to drink alcohol, more power to him.. as long as he's in his own home.

My home, my rules. Don't like em'? There's the door.

[Elgama]

actually I grew up drinking alcohol - I was allowed to sip my parents or relatives drinks, allowed a baby sham at New Year, wine with lemonade with a meal. If you drink alcohol then its a good way to be in my opinion.

However we set the example as parents of not drinking.

[MisterT]

I used to drink, a lot. I simply choose not to now, and I would be horribly offended if anyone had so little respect for me as to bring alcohol into my home. Just as I would be offended if someone brought over a porn movie, tobacco, or mayonnaise.

[marts1]

mayonnaise yech..salad dressing hmmm

[mormonwifey]

I know how you feel with this,my dad ia a very bad alcoholic and drinks from the minute he wakes to the minutes he goes to sleep.And I have many friends who drink.My dad is mad I won't allow alcohol in my home,then a friend of mine ignored me and brought Vodka into my home.I had warned her ten times before she did it.I took the bottle off the table,and dumped it out.She was irrate,saying I was gonna pay for the bottle.I told her no I will not,I told her not to bring it to my home.I made a promise to myself and to our Christ,not to drink and I will be keeping my promise.

Just be firm and tell hi m how you feel.If he cares for you, he will respect that and eventually be proud of you for your beliefs.