getting over chastity issues

[rxmarccall]

ive been searching for advice on this subject for a while now. I have been dating a girl for a while now and our relationship is getting serious (in a good way) as we have gotten to know each other more i have learned that over a year ago while i was on a mission, she had a boyfriend with which she "went all the way" at first i thought i could handle the news, but found out this went on for 3 months.... today she has repented fully and has a temple recommend and is worthy. But i still feel sooo hurt because i feel that i love her and feel like i could marry her, but i dont know that i can get over this. anyone have experience with this? will these feelings just get more intense and worse in the future? or is it possible to get over this? im not perfect myself but i always imagined being with my future wife that was still a virgin. thanks for your time

[Just_A_Guy]

I think the adage that "time heals all wounds" applies here. Work on your own ability to forgive--it'll come eventually.

That said, I wouldn't marry her while you have these feelings. It's not fair to her, or you.

[Guest mirancs8]

It's easy... put yourself in her shoes. Imagine being with a girl who just can't seem to get over your own past issue ("going all the way" as you put it) though you both love each other and want to get married. Would you want that girl to hold that over your head the rest of your life?

It's OK to talk about it but you have to get over it. It didn't happen when you were with her and she repented so it more has to do with your ego being shot rather then getting over it. Don't you think? See men see it as she should be mine and only mine... she must be a virgin... she shouldn't have had anyone before me. Sorry to say as each year passes it becomes more and more unlikely to find a virgin.

Put your ego in your pocket and be a man about it. Love her for who she is and your future with her not what she was or did. If this is going to get to you boy you'll be in for a rude awakening when you are married for a few years

Good luck!

[rxmarccall]

thanks for the replys, i should have said that im not having a problem at all with her worthyness or thinking she is a sinner, i guess its just a feeling of jelousy? your right though i will just have to get over it

[Elgama]

I don't know if you do, you are not married yet, are you chaste yourself and how important is it to you for you both to have waited? Decide that before you move forward, I had saved myself for my husband and for me him being chaste was an essential requirement, two people who have been chaste until they get married adds something to the marriage relationship that once one of you has had sex can never be replaced, its why sexual sin is so wrong.

I went to a church fireside and they asked us to split the paper into 4 and entitle it my eternal companion, one section was must have, one was ideally has, another was rather they didn't have, and another they must not have.

For me my partners chastity was a must have - where does it fall for you?

[rxmarccall]

well it is very important for me, but i dont want to be unforgiving. i think i need to just give myself more space and more time and date more girls to help me with my decision. i would love to have that one of a kind bond with my spouse of being together and never with another

[Elgama]

thats not being unforgiving thats setting a goal for yourself, chastity is important its a commandment. And if its something you want then you make sure you have it in your marriage relationship, don't settle unless you are sure Heavenly Father wants you to.

If you were already married and it was an issue of adultery it would be different.

[rxmarccall]

Very true, i need to decide for myself how important this quality is in my future wife and what i really want and need. thank you for your advice

[Bini]

Just_A_Guy, summed it up nicely.

It's easy for us to tell you to put these feelings behind you but that's easier said than done. Whether or not it's your place to forgive, it's always hard to accept that someone you care so deeply for, has shared something so intimate with someone else that's not you. I think it's very wise of you to keep an open mind and want to date other girls. There are many out there. YOU need to be happy with your decision when it boils down to selecting "the one". If you go into a relationship feeling and believing that you've "settled for less" you're setting yourself and your partner up for failure.

[dazed-and-confused]

there have been other posts along these lines placed here.

i think you need to address these issues within yourself. that being said, and it is a very vague statement, different issues may come up.

1. to be very blunt about it, you waited, she didn't. it's not entirely about forgiveness or worthyness,

but about inner strength and commitment. are you sure you want to marry a woman who might be l

lacking in one or the other?

2. what is it within you that makes you jealous, the fact that you were not the first? fact is, being first

with each other can build a very strong union between a couple, a spiritual bond in fact, if you are

both open and strong enough to make it more a spiritual experience than a sexual one. that

having been said, just because one of you is not a virgin does not have to interfere with the

POTENTIAL of experiencing making love as a spiritual act (i'm not saying intensely emotional,

or feeling awesomely close, but a true meditative, spiritual act.....although the other stuff is really

good too...lol).

3. might there be some sense of fear or intimdation with the fact that she didn't "do it" a couple of

times, but did if fact...well....you said "over some months", right? so, she might be more

"experienced" than you?...or perhaps wondering, or mentally picturing what may have transpired

and how you might compare?

i did not mention anything concerning what she did exactly, because, of course, this is about you, not her.

don't forget, as was said earlier, time does heal, but BE healed before you decide.

people CAN learn from their mistakes, but some mistakes can leave scars or even open wounds that

the barer may not be fully aware of, so it is a "healing in progress" for them.....nothing wrong with

if there is strength and commitment with both parties to deal with and overcome it.

growth along emotional and sexual AND spiritual levels is painful, and inspiring, and wonderful (after

the pain,lol), and THESE things build a very strong bond...or weaken it....and sometimes both

(yes, life is difficult at times....lol).

forgiveness is a strengthening exercise and so is understanding. you already know that you have some

issues about what happened with her. can you discuss this with her and can she understand that

you HAVE issues about it. frankly, i think that if either one or the other has a problem talking about

this to the point of avoidance, it's a sign of wound between both of you that might verywell fester.

don't look at yourself in a way you WANT to be.....but the way you ARE. same for you looking at her

she looking at herself. don't forget that in a mere ten years, that you both might be different

people, growing apart, or growing together.

you can give the nickel to lucy over by that stand over there. tell it's from charlie brown.....good grief (sigh).

[Guest Alana]

I think it's entirely appropriate to want to marry someone who is also a virgin. This is coming from someone who didn't wait and repented. Her having had sex before doesn't need to taint a marriage, but it won't enhance it, as waiting could have. If this is something you must have, then don't settle for less.

[WmLee]

I have to say I am amazed! What does the atonement tell us about our own forgiveness? Can we be forgiven if we can’t forgive another? This woman made a mistake before you were in her life. She made a mistake when she was weak and emotional and she has dealt with that. She has gone through all the steps her bishop asked of her and she now has a temple recommend. You love her but can’t get over that she made a mistake? My question is, should she accept you??

I made a mistake or two along my path. I went to the bishop and I went through repentance and though I am ashamed of what I have done, of my wasted years and my mistakes, I know the joy of repentance and forgiveness from a loving Father in Heaven.

After almost ten years into a temple marriage my companion said, “I’m so happy I waited for you. I wish you could have waited for me”. Do you know what kind of a slap that was in my face??

Her mistakes in her past are hers, not yours to worry about. If you can’t move on emotionally, then simply move on and let this sister find someone who will love her unbridled by her past mistakes. Our Father in Heaven has forgiven her, the temple recommend shows that.

Don’t go into this holding a gray stamp you can slap her with ten years from now. She wasn’t with you then; are you worthy to be with her now? I am so amazed with the people who don’t understand the importance of the atonement, or their roll in it!

[Elgama]

I understand the role of the atonement - however I waited for my husband, I valued him before I met him and did not want to cheat on him. I expected someone who valued themselves and their body and me, fact is once you cheat on your spouse either before or after you make those vows your relationship will lose something, the sex will lose something if nothing else. For me its nothing to do with forgiveness, chaste was on the same list as priesthood holder. recommend holder, returned missionary as I knew my illness would prevent me going, strong testimony and close relationship with God, kindness, gentleness. That was what I wanted in a marriage partner and I would not have continued to date someone who did not meet all those requirements.

Fact is sexual sin is a biggie and having had issues relating to my parents relationship, I would not have wanted someone who had been brought up in the church (slightly different if not), that knew they would one day have an eternal companion not having respect for me

Edited April 2, 2010 by Elgama

[Tarnished]

I was in much the same situation when I got married. I knew that my fiance had gone all the way. And it was difficult to deal with. For a very long time it felt like someone had blown a hole in my heart. And for a long time it didn't get much better. But over time and after some experiences that caused me to see things differently I began to forgive and forget. The pain eventually went away.

People like to say to forgive, and it is true that you should forgive. But what I think many don't realize is that when something like this happens it is difficult to forgive, and it can take time, just as it will take time for the sinner to achieve repentance. It is a process that you have to work at. Complete forgiveness can be achieved and should be achieved, but it will take time. And the pain will take time to fade as well.

[Connie]

I agree with WmLee. Repentance heals without a scar. She has been washed clean. She is a virgin.

[baver3]

I agree somewhat about how telling it is that this girl messed up and therefore must not be as committed in the gospel. That is a good point, HOWEVER I do not believe that is completely true.

She was young. All people make mistakes....especially young people. And the younger, the better because they are usually not as serious (say for example she had sex at a later age in adultry, having gone thru the temple).

And she has learned from her mistakes. THAT IS THE GOOD NEWS.

I had a friend who was pretty promiscuous in her teens and then ended up straightening things out and served a mission in Argentina. So if her repentance was good enough for the Lord to be one of his embassadors then what is the problem? This girl also came home from her mission, married in the temple and has been faithful ever since.

I just dont understand why this issue is such a big one. Who cares if she isnt a virgin? People get divorced all the time and remarry. They are no longer virgins. What matters is that they are spiritually right with the Lord and have kept their covenants.

It sounds like that is where this girl is right now. I think your biggest challenge right now is to find out FOR SURE through prayer and fasting if this girl is right for you, or not. If not, then just MOVE ON. At that point you can go looking for the virgin of your dreams. If she is right for you then you are just going to have to get over it and forget it like it never happened.

[crazypotato]

Sexual sin, even if repented of, does taint your wedding night. Sorry, but it is true. You do have to forgive her but you don't have to like that about her and you don't have to date her anymore. She doesn't have to like everything about you either and she doesn't have to date you anymore.

My best advice came to me when I was single - keep your eyes wide open for faults, etc. before marriage and half closed after. This means that before you marry, you can look for someone clean. If it bothers you that she sinned and then repented, then move on to another girl. Sure we should all forgive and we are all sinners, but you also have to be practical. Marriages are easier the more you have in common with each other. When you are single, you should be picky, especially about spiritual matters. Once you are married, you have to stop being picky and learn to let lots of things go. Whoever you marry is going to have plenty of weaknesses and shortcomings.

[Guest mirancs8]

I'm sorry but I just think this is all way over the top. First of all there is nothing for you to forgive that other person of. They had sex before they ever even met you so it has nothing at all to do with you. It just amazes me that someone who really loves a person would cast someone off on this reason alone. No it does not taint your wedding night. You can have a wedding night of wonderful blitz even if you had sex in the past!

See I think it's more of this idea that comes in your head and it get's stuck there. Sure that would be the ideal but really is it the end all? Who am I to cast judgment? And why would you date someone for that long if you knew about it? Obviously it was an issue did you think it was going to magically change? No unless you change your mind set it won't change how you feel about that issue. That's fine if you want to marry a Virgin but maybe you should ask that question at the beginning of the relationship as to not drag the poor lady through a committed loving relationship and down the road you turn and say, "ow by the way I don't think I can deal with you having gone all the way so take a hike."

There is so much more to a person. Obviously there is much about this person that you love enough to marry. Knowing her as well as you know her do you think she is not all you see her as considering you are even thinking of getting married to her? There has to be something more to your relationship. Why so hyper focused on her virginity? This is something that is personal to them that they had to live with and deal with. You might want to rethink your method of dating. If being a Virgin is top priority I would suggest by date #3 you bluntly ask her:confused:. If she doesn't give you the answer you want to hear end the relationship.

And if she says she is a Virgin... well how do you know for sure? I mean she could have had a Hymenoplasty done and you'd never know:eek:

[Elgama]

fact is we make the decision before we marry or should about what faults each of us can and can't deal with and I am sorry but for me it would change our relationship. I am not saying the OP shouldn't marry her, what I am saying is he has to decide where he stands. I also wouldn't have married a man who picked his toenails because that plain grosses me out.

[Guest mirancs8]

fact is we make the decision before we marry or should about what faults each of us can and can't deal with and I am sorry but for me it would change our relationship. I am not saying the OP shouldn't marry her, what I am saying is he has to decide where he stands. I also wouldn't have married a man who picked his toenails because that plain grosses me out.

That's all fine and to each his own but would you continue in a relationship when that issue is something you cannot get over? Do you think that is right to keep that person thinking that you would even give them the time of day... that you would consider getting married to that person. I think it's just flat out inconsiderate. I don't have an issue with someone wanting to marry a virgin. But to continue past a couple of dates with a person when you would not even consider someone who wasn't a virgin is wrong. You are leading someone on who you have NO intent on having a serious relationship with.

Sure he should decide where he stands but I think he should have done it sooner before the feelings of getting serious and marriage came into play... WAY SOONER!

[Elgama]

That's all fine and to each his own but would you continue in a relationship when that issue is something you cannot get over? Do you think that is right to keep that person thinking that you would even give them the time of day... that you would consider getting married to that person. I think it's just flat out inconsiderate. I don't have an issue with someone wanting to marry a virgin. But to continue past a couple of dates with a person when you would not even consider someone who wasn't a virgin is wrong. You are leading someone on who you have NO intent on having a serious relationship with.

Sure he should decide where he stands but I think he should have done it sooner before the feelings of getting serious and marriage came into play... WAY SOONER!

I could not continue personally in a relationship where there was adultery or abuse, but I do agree about the way sooner decision, I personally wouldn't continue when I knew. But its better for him to take that decision now than after marriage

[Bini]

Whether it's his place to forgive or not is beside the point! If he cannot overcome his feelings regarding her prior infidelities, he is best to avoid pursuing a relationship with her and move on. It's easy for people to think "forgive and forget" but how many times have we seen members post here on the forum concerning disheartening feelings they have of their spouse's pre-marital relationships? My point is simply that if you're a person that wants a chaste partner and cannot settle for less—then don't.

[Guest Alana]

I really don't think it matters which way he goes on this. Wanting to marry an other virgin is a good thing (doesn't mean he's ignoring the atonement). Her having repented is a good thing. I really don't think there is a right and wrong here, but two right.

[ryanh]

I am amused by the constructs of our own minds and how that influences our preferences, ideals, and desires.

This is so apparent to me as I am in the antithetical position to you rxmarccall. Having been married, and now divorced, I'm extremely reluctant to even consider anyone that is a virgin. Given my experiences, were I in your shoes, I might be glad to understand 1) she is not completely frigid, 2) she is a HONEST person that communicates in reality, 3) is now worthy, and 4) has done more learning and growing than many her age.

In failure there is much learning. In success, not so much.

With that background, I would add my voice that this is about YOU, not her. You need to figure yourself out, if you are being judgmental in a way you wouldn't want to be judged, and if this is something you can get past. Seek guidance on your knees, and ask for help to forgive, forget, and move on.

Echoing mirancs8, there will be greater issues you two will face in marriage. And it will take similar efforts to forgive and move past. This is a good test for you two to see if you have what it takes. If this remains a sticking point for you two after working on it, it probably isn't a good idea to get married IMO.

[MisterT]

I don't know that I have any insight to this conversation, other than to say whatever happened before you two were together is none of your business. You got into the relationship knowing that she wasn't a virgin so you have nothing to complain about. Were it something revealed to you on your honeymoon, well, I'd immediately get an annulment; but it was disclosed and you continued to persue the relationship after being told.

Do I endorse pre-marital sex? No, not necessarily. But I do understand that everyone has been in circumstances in which I have no insight. The fact that she currently holds a Temple recommend says that she's been forgiven by the Lord; and unless you're suddenly a higher authority than the Almighty, you have nothing to say in this matter. Nothing at all.

I've done things in my life I'm not particularily proud of; is it your right to be angry with me about them?

"I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men." D&C 64 - 9

True repentance = True forgiveness; in other words the sin never happened.