RachelleDrew Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 As many of you know, my husband left me last year after he committed adultery several times and was emotionally and verbally abusive towards me. I'm beginning the divorce process soon, and I understand that the church recommends no dating for a year after a divorce. This I think is a good rule of thumb, and I have every intent on following this. The thing is i've met a man. Not really met a man per se, just gotten to know a man that I had already known for several years. Since my husband left me, he's helped me out with some household things that I need done on occasion, anytime he takes his nieces and nephews out to do something fun he offers to take my son too (which is a welcome help). He is about ten years older than me, and never married. He was engaged , but she passed away before they were sealed. He's a wonderful guy and i've always appreciated his help and kindness. Recently we've spent a little more time together with friends and church activities, and we've come to realize that we care for one another romantically. We spoke about this a couple of days ago and agreed that while we do really like each other, we could not date because 1. My divorce isn't final and 2. the church recommends I wait after it is final. We are a little conflicted however, we would like to spend time together. But we don't want that time to be "dates". It's kind of a slippery slope when you are two adults who are both lonely (admittedly) and like one another. Plus my son really likes him and asks about him a lot. What is an appropriate amount of time that the two of us should be around each other? We already agreed that we aught to limit our interaction to be non-private events (i. e. -no alone time for the two of us) Is there anything else we aught to consider too? i must admit, he's a fantastic guy who I would love to date when the time comes. But i'm struggling trying to keep "when the time comes" into perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 I understand that the church recommends no dating for a year after a divorce. i wasn't aware of this one. i know you are supposed to wait till the divorce is final but that was the only rule i knew of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ADoyle90815 Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 It's not just the LDS church that says to wait for the divorce to be final, many people put off dating before the divorce becomes final. I'm one of those who isn't LDS, but decided to wait until the divorce was final to even think about dating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarginOfError Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 I understand that the church recommends no dating for a year after a divorce.I've never heard this, and it has a strong scent of local interpretation.With regard to your question, I don't know. It's a tough question and tough situation to be in. But in some ways, I'd say the kind of interaction speaks more than the quantity of interaction. If you spend only 10 minutes a day together, but are suctioned to each other's faces the whole time, I'd say it's inappropriate. But if you spend two hours together gardening and sharing dinner, then I don't care so much.Talk to your priesthood leaders and find out what they think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisterT Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Is this someone in whom you're interested in an eternal marriage with? If so, take things slow. An extra year or two of casual friendship now could save you a lot of heartache later. If you're not interested in an eternal relationship with him, get out now. Having friends that are of the opposite sex and in whom you're not in a relationship that will ultimately lead to marriage is a recipe for disaster. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marts1 Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 understand that the church recommends no dating for a year after a divorce.In all the literature I've read, this is a new one and I should know this being a SA Rep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazypotato Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 I'd be suspicious and take it slow. Why did he never marry? How old is he? Everything is probably fine with him, but you want to be sure. Is he 30 and never married or 40 and never married? Has he been too immature for years? How long ago was he engaged? Is he using her ex-fiance's death as an excuse to hide some character flaws of his? My friend divorced and her single next door neighbor began helping her with her kids and with man-type chores, etc. I got a Christmas card from her that she wasn't dating yet and had no one in her life, then the next month she was getting married to this guy because -oops! - she got pregnant! And she was LDS. The bishop had had an uneasy feeling about her neighbor and had warned her to not get too comfy with him. There are guys that prey on vulnerable, newly divorced single moms. Just be careful! I know, I sound paranoid. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marts1 Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Just be careful! I know, I sound paranoid.Sounds more like caring to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MisterT Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Single mothers need to be especially careful about dating; there are some really creepy guys out there who will get close to a divorcee' just to have access to her children. A simple criminal records check may be in order... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Alana Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 When I was about 12 my dad would be out of town for weeks for work and we had just moved to Missouri. We were in an area we didn't know, with weather we didn't know and our home teacher lived down the street. He'd come over about once a week to check on us, help us with things that were hard for us to do. Sometimes he would come over and have us kids 'help' him put together the ward bulletin. Sometimes he'd bring something yummy from his wife. I think it was an appropriate amount of interaction for a married woman (which you are) with an other man. It wasn't every day. Sometimes it was an hour or two when his wife would come, sometimes just half an hour showing us kids stuff around the ranch. It was steady and we got to know him very well, but it wasn't for prolonged amounts and it always had a purpose, even if a small one. Maybe you can think of this fellow as your home teacher and keep things on those guide lines. If it ever gets to the point that you doubt your self control, then back up. The slower you take things and focus just on friendship the better it'll be for everyone no matter which way things go. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dazed-and-confused Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 my friend, i can't help but be reminded of something you had written in another forum concerning your previous (to being LDS) experiences with romance. i just wonder how in touch with your own feelings you are, not wanting to repeat history. you do need to know this man better, and also be sure that you know yourself as well. btw, that smile on your face is all i'd ever like to see, so good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenamarie Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 (edited) I've never been through a divorce, but have had seen girlfriends who have been divorced, and many of them got into new relationships too soon that ended up being problems. There were no "red flags" to make it easier for them to drop the guys. Instead of verbally abuse, these guys were really sweet and gave nice compliments. Instead of never wanting to talk to their significant others about big choices, they included them in everything. The problem was that, as nice as these guys were, they weren't "right" for my friends. They had quirks and traits that, while not bad, were not the kinds of traits my friends wanted in a husband. They were attracted to the men solely on the fact that they were the opposite of their ex's, and gave them the emotional and romantic attention that had lacked in their marriages. But not every nice guy is the "right" guy, ya know? So take your time, find out what you *really* want in a man, and find out if your attraction to this guy is because he has a lot of traits that you like, or because he *doesn't* have the traits your ex had that lead to the breakup of your marriage. I would try to avoid too much one-on-one time with this man for now, and also, as hard is it may be, also avoid too much one on one time between this man and your son. Unless you intend for this man to be in your son's life for a long time, romantic relationship or no romantic relationship, then you need to guard your son's heart, because he's already had one man walk away from him (even if not 100% completely away) and becoming attached to another man who may not be a long-time fixture in his life can cause him even more heartache. However, if you think this man will still remain involved with your son even if you never date, then I think it's a wonderful opportunity for your son to have a positive male rolemodel whose willing to spend time with him. Edited April 2, 2010 by Jenamarie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
baver3 Posted April 2, 2010 Report Share Posted April 2, 2010 Once your divorce is final: GO FOR IT. But I agree, take it s l o w and do what feels natural and organic to you. I think it is natural for people who just came off a divorce or break up to be especially guarded and/or paranoid and cautious about the people they date. I think it is extremely smart. If you do think this guy is a great guy and could be the one for you, only prayer and personal revelation is going to get you that answer that you need to move forward. Take it slow and then listen to the spirit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted April 3, 2010 Report Share Posted April 3, 2010 For now, it would be best to only bake pre-marital cookies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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