My wife doesn't want to undestand

[Flyingbeliever]

Hi everyone!

Well this is my first post here and I'm really hopping that it will generate some good ideas and/or input.

First a bit of background: I am not yet a member of the church but I have met with missionaries and I have spent a lot of time reading and studying the Book of Mormon as well as all the other standard scriptures. I attend the sacrament meetings, sunday school and priesthood meetings at my local branch as often as my work allows me.

Doing the above as well as doing a lot of praying I found that the church is the right thing for me. I believe in what the church stands for and what it teaches. I have been blessed with a strong testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and as such I have made the decision that i want to get baptised and become a member.

Now for the problem: My wife doesn't believe in any of this. In fact she doesn't even believe in God. That in itself has never been a problem as she has respected my believes as I respect her non-beliefs. However, as I started talking about becoming a member my wife started to have a bit of an issue with the whole thing. It developed (for the "worse") as she read a lot of the negative things about the church online and it even led to a point where I had to stop reading the scriptures and stop attending church for a while. As I did so I felt this huge emptiness inside me. Like something was missing from my being and my life all of a sudden.

I have since started reading the scriptures again as often as I can and that has helped the feeling somewhat but I still feel like I am letting myself and Heavenly Father down when not attending church. I want to go but I don't want to go behind my wife's back and she is not very open to a fair discussion on the subject at the moment (by fair I mean this is the only subject where we can't have a discussion without her Getting very upset. Not necessarily at me but at religion and my believes - so Yeah, I guess me). She is not open to me trying to tell her about my believes and of the church as she thinks I'm just trying to change her mind (and possibly convert her). This is of course not the case. I believe everyone should have their own choice and i would never try to force my believes on anyone.

I have offered to hold off with the baptism for as long as necessary and just attend church like I have been doing for quite a while. She doesn't like that idea as she is afraid "they" will convert (or brainwash) me. I have tried to explain the church doesn't work that way and that there are a number of couples where only one person is a member. Unfortunately it doesn't convince her...

I love my wife very very much and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise our relationship but i also know that I want to have Heavenly father, Christ and the church as a part of my life.

I'm sorry this is such a long post. I just don't know what to do and was hoping that someone here is able to help... Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?

Thank you in advance for any advice or input.

[Melissa569]

I partly understand how you feel. My husband is a Catholic and has NO interest in the LDS church. But its ok, because I just keep my church activity for myself.

I would suggest making a deal with your wife, the way I did with my husband. Just say:

"Hey, how about if I just participate in the church, and I keep all this between myself and the other church members. I promise I won't talk about it around you at all, I won't preach at you or try to convert you, if its not something you want to hear. And any church activity will be done away from our home. All I ask in return is-- you let me do it."

If you're not trying to convert your wife, and if her not believing in god really doesn't bother you, then there really is no need to discuss your faith her. Particularly if it causes a fight, which is never good for a marriage.

I would tread carefully on this one, and really analyze your feelings to uncover a motive. It seems like your desire to "explain" it to her and have her "understand", could slowly grow into a desire to have her "agree" with the gospel, the way you do. Or at the very least, she may think its growing into that.

But be warned-- as you progress in the church, your wife may get more and more worried. Because while I love the LDS church, I have been inactive for many years. Recently comming back, I'm noticing a lot about it that I never knew as a child, and some of it is extremely surprising. One of the things I notice, is that "they" :) really like to push members to where eventually, they have devoted every waking second outside sleep and their job-- to church. As much as possible, with little time for themselves. I'm not trying to scare you out of involvement. I'm just saying, that could become a problem... So you may need to explain that to your ward, and really stress to them that you not being "too" invilved, is somewhat critical to the survival of your marriage.

I had to do that. See, my husband believes in god, but he's not a big "church" person. I wasn't either. But when I decided to go back to church, he freaked out a little. So I promised him,

"It will ONLY be once a week. Three hours on Sundays. That's it, I PROMISE!"

And since then:

* The missionaries started coming over every Wednesday night.

* My visiter-teacher started showing up wanting to do lesosns.

* My home teacher too.

* Relief society activities.

* People calling to ask if I'll help with young women's activities.

* Women inviting me to play dates, even though I don't have kids.

Among a dozen other things.

I've had to (politely) tell them to please tone it down-- a lot-- because it was really starting to make my husband mad. And I've noticed that we are drifting a lot more now too.

Your wife (and my husband) may be getting angry because she's afraid that your involvement with the church is going to drive you both apart. She probably thinks the deeper you get into it, the more you might be trying to convince her, or bring more church activities to your home. And the less you will have in common.

Would she be ok with you being active in church if you agreed not to discuss it, or involve her? If she would, then everything should be fine, as long as you keep your end of the deal. But if she gets upset even when you don't discuss it, then she probably is afraid that its going to drive a wedge between you. If that's the case, I would say work on reasuring her that it won't-- as long as that's the truth, which you will need to figure out for yourself :) .

Edited July 12, 2010 by Melissa569

[Suzie]

Well, just as you respect her choice to not believe in God I think it is only fair that she respects your choice of going to Church. I know, easier than done but really, in the end is a matter of respect. It seems to me you need a long and deep conversation with her about respecting each other's religious and non-religious views. It works both ways. I wish you all the best.

[Melissa569]

Well said, Suzie :)

[Hemidakota]

Hi everyone!

Well this is my first post here and I'm really hopping that it will generate some good ideas and/or input.

First a bit of background: I am not yet a member of the church but I have met with missionaries and I have spent a lot of time reading and studying the Book of Mormon as well as all the other standard scriptures. I attend the sacrament meetings, sunday school and priesthood meetings at my local branch as often as my work allows me.

Doing the above as well as doing a lot of praying I found that the church is the right thing for me. I believe in what the church stands for and what it teaches. I have been blessed with a strong testimony of the truthfulness of the Book of Mormon and as such I have made the decision that i want to get baptised and become a member.

Now for the problem: My wife doesn't believe in any of this. In fact she doesn't even believe in God. That in itself has never been a problem as she has respected my believes as I respect her non-beliefs. However, as I started talking about becoming a member my wife started to have a bit of an issue with the whole thing. It developed (for the "worse") as she read a lot of the negative things about the church online and it even led to a point where I had to stop reading the scriptures and stop attending church for a while. As I did so I felt this huge emptiness inside me. Like something was missing from my being and my life all of a sudden.

I have since started reading the scriptures again as often as I can and that has helped the feeling somewhat but I still feel like I am letting myself and Heavenly Father down when not attending church. I want to go but I don't want to go behind my wife's back and she is not very open to a fair discussion on the subject at the moment (by fair I mean this is the only subject where we can't have a discussion without her Getting very upset. Not necessarily at me but at religion and my believes - so Yeah, I guess me). She is not open to me trying to tell her about my believes and of the church as she thinks I'm just trying to change her mind (and possibly convert her). This is of course not the case. I believe everyone should have their own choice and i would never try to force my believes on anyone.

I have offered to hold off with the baptism for as long as necessary and just attend church like I have been doing for quite a while. She doesn't like that idea as she is afraid "they" will convert (or brainwash) me. I have tried to explain the church doesn't work that way and that there are a number of couples where only one person is a member. Unfortunately it doesn't convince her...

I love my wife very very much and I don't want to do anything to jeopardise our relationship but i also know that I want to have Heavenly father, Christ and the church as a part of my life.

I'm sorry this is such a long post. I just don't know what to do and was hoping that someone here is able to help... Maybe someone has been in a similar situation?

Thank you in advance for any advice or input.

Good morning FB. I welcome you to the forum and especially from Sweden. Both Maya and Vanhin, members of this forum are from the same region. You are among friends.

First, I commend you for stepping up and investigating the church and attending meetings prior to baptism. I wish more converts would actually take more time in investigating the gospel prior than rushing into a everlasting commitment. Second, I commend you in your patience with your companion (wife). Even if she doesn’t believe in GOD or the doctrine of the Latter-day Saints, she still is your companion of choice, to whom you love and married. I marvel on your choice of stating your intentions are not going behind her back or to cause contention. None of these are of GOD but of the devil when we do things in secret and the intent of causing contention or to create mockery. You are indeed blessed for this. It maybe your example, that she will note later in her life to whom she is married too.

Adding to Melissa excellent posting, only thing I could add, communications is always a two-way street. Yes! It maybe a one sided for a time or perhaps, noting unforeseen intervention I believe is know more than the adversary who is currently persuading her to talk you out of something, when your own feelings is telling you to do is right. You may have to settle this with her over a dinner and communicated with her your true intermit desires of wanting to know about this gospel and be baptized for the Savior. Letting this be not secrecy…adding no contention…and be up front on your course of life.

What can change her beliefs and what is already stated, is your noble character of one being reborn in the gospel and thus, be a living example of the Lord and Savior to her. Even the Savior was ridicule by His own brethren and yet, He still prayed for them; as it maybe in your case for her. It may require you to fast every Sunday and with yearning of the soul, seek the same type of prayer as what Enos did in seeking audience with GOD before proceeding forth prior to baptism. Go back, talk to the missionaries and ask them to pray and fast for you in helping your wife’s heart to be soften and the Lord will provide a witness to her and you, your decision were the right choice.

I believe you already have sufficient amount of faith to move forward. Do not have doubts in yourself and your choices but help her in form of communications that is filled with the same love that the Savior has already applied in your life. My the Lord bless you and your wonderful companion on this eventful decision.

[WmLee]

There is a lot to be said about mutual respect here. How can your wife expect you to respect her non-belief yet not allow you to believe? Seems way one-sided here!! But, you ‘right’ to believe isn’t simply a belief. It is also a change in your thoughts; you’re feeling and your lifestyle isn’t it? You can be a “Christian” and not be more Christ like. Would your wife object to going to a cannery and packaging food for the needy? Would she object to helping someone who is organizing a clothing drive or making baby quilts for those who have lost so much due to a natural catastrophe? The point I’m trying to make is that being a Christian means doing what Christ would do; there is a lot of service here. That would be a change in lifestyle for a lot of people; especially those who don’t belief in a God.

It’s not just a belief here; it’s a change in your life, I your lifestyle. You’re asking a lot from her.

I’m in no way trying to push you away from the truthfulness of the gospel, if you’re desire to be baptized, to signify your conversion and make a covenant with God and I’m not telling you there is no hope. I don’t think anyone on this site has a stronger testimony of the gospel, the restoration of it through a boy who asked for an answer to his prayers than I. I would fight to the death to protect my beliefs and my rights to my religion. I have a living testimony that this is the true church and it is lead by a living prophet of God.

But, you have built a relationship based on a different lifestyle and now you want to change a part if it’s foundation. You can’t force that one your wife. You need to pray . . . a lot. You need to get help from a loving Father in Heaven who knows you. He knows you and He knows your wife. Perhaps prayer, and more prayer, and time will soften her heart and allow her to see something in you that will want her to know more about Him!

[Melissa569]

I agree WmLee.

OP-- There is always the possibility that your wife may see positive changes in you and wonder where they come from. But don't force it.

I find that most people who do not believe in god, when you dig deeper into their belief, first they will always throw all the typical scientific reasons at you:

* Religion is just something people invented to help ease the pain of death.

* The old "man came from monkeys" theory.

* Scientific explanations for miracles

etc., etc.

But all that is usually just a big wall they've built up around the real issue-- they want peace of mind in the form of something dependable, that they can see and touch. Of course, we all want that-- which is why we manifest physical religious items such as churches, temples, the bible, etc. But despite all that, faith is still required.

In the case of atheists-- instead of being frustrated by "faith" (which is believing in something without seeing definite proof), they find it more simple and less frustrating to believe that the physical world around them is all there is. And perhaps they don't like to be disappointed, so they don't want to believe in something that "might not" exist. The truth is, they are the way they are because they hunger for inner peace sometimes even more than we do! So much in fact, nothing less than physical proof will do as a source for that peace. But I have an idea that in the afterlife, when they finally do realize that God is real-- they will be more in love with his peace and truth than anybody else.

But again, let that happen on its own.

Edited July 12, 2010 by Melissa569

[zippy_do46]

What one believes boils down to the person. Everyone finds his or hers belief or non-belief. We can not change anyone but ourselves. We as LDS can spread the Gospel as we see it and believe, but it up to the person to accept. We can show them the way and how, but then they must ask their Heavenly Father if what is shown is true.

Just as she has the right to believe the way she does, you have that right also. I agree with the others though. This is a life change. This may be what she sees. If you are use to going out and drinking with friends and dancing the night away I would say this would change in your life as you get closer to the Gospel. This might be a life style change she is not ready for. This Gospel does change you. I believe the change takes place within. Even those who leave the Church know this. Why would they fight so hard against something that is untrue? Why do we have so many people on the rolls of the Church who refuse to take their names from those rolls with a simple letter saying I do not believe. There are some people who believe, but can not live the Gospel for whatever reason. I have seen several on here including myself confess this. Several of us found the way back knowing that the Gospel was true and we had to come back.

If you choose the Gospel you will have a hard road to follow. The choice is yours. What does the Spirit tell you?

[spamlds]

The Church is not in the business of breaking up families. One of the things you'll have to keep in mind is that, when you are baptized, you are making a covenant with God. Failure to keep the terms of that covenant will bring you more unhappiness and misery than you can imagine. Keeping that covenant and honoring it brings the greatest joys possible in life and in eternity. You have to resolve in your mind that, if you are baptized, you will keep the covenant you have made no matter what.

There is still much you can do to participate until you make that covenant. As you are already studying the scriptures, praying, etc., you can continue to nourish your spirit that way. You can fast and ask God to soften your wife's heart towards the Church. Fasting can bring to pass miracles. If you live the gospel as fully as you can without the benefit of baptism, the Lord will open up the way.

You have to realize that this is a test. The Lord's testing is not always quick and it's rarely easy. He permits your resolve to be tested. If you are determined to follow him, then he will open up the way for you.

If I can offer a word of encouragement, I was the first member in my family when I joined the Church in 1978. I was just 19. My parents opposed it. I was baptized against their wishes, but they didn't "disown" me or anything. I did my best to live the gospel and set a good example. I answered questions as they came up. They did their best to understand. They knew I still felt the same towards them and they recognized that the gospel was making me a better person.

One day, my mother was doing the dishes in the kitchen and she said the Holy Ghost came to her. She felt his presence just as if he was standing there next to her. She knew that the Church was true. She had never read a page in the Book of Mormon, but she knew from that moment forward that it was true. It took a few years, but my mother, my father, and my sister all joined the Church.

The Lord can do things you think are not possible. He is not limited. He respects agency, but he can show somebody that the gospel is true without violating agency. Trust in the Lord and follow the promptings of the Spirit.

Blessings to you and your family!

Greg

[MormonMama]

I was married to an atheist when I joined the church. Luckily, he was one of those "live and let live" types of people. In fact, he and his fellow atheist sister were the only family members to come to my baptism! My own family has always been vehemently against the church and refused to come.

Ultimately, if you truly believe that the church is true and that God wants you to join, then you can't let ANYONE else get in the way of that. However, as others have said, it is possible to be a member of the church when your spouse is opposed. It takes sensitivity and some measure of discretion, but it is definitely possible. You want to do what you believe is right, but do it in such a way that your wife does not feel threatened, disrespected or offended (although to some extent it is up to her what she will choose to feel).

One thing I haven't seen mentioned is children. Do you have children or will you ever have children? If so, this is also something you need to discuss with your wife, whether or not she would be okay with you teaching your children about your faith, and if you can accept it if she says no. I'm very lucky in that my ex didn't care if I raised our daughters in my faith as long as I didn't force them into anything. Unfortunately, both of our daughters have since left the church, with my oldest becoming agnostic and leaning towards atheism. It's just something you need to be aware of.

Good luck and welcome to the forums! :)

[ADoyle90815]

There are atheists who provide service for those less fortunate than themselves, because they realize that it's a good thing to do even if they don't believe in a God. In fact, they're often more like Christ than some who call themselves a Christian.

That said, I think that your wife should learn to respect your beliefs, just as you respect her lack of belief.

[prisonchaplain]

I'm wondering if there is a cultural aspect to this. I'm told that in much of Europe and Scandanavia any religion outside of Catholicism or Lutheranism is perceived as cultish and controlling. In France both Baptists and pentecostals were deemed "mind control" sects by one government agency. Add to all that the perception that LDS is considered an American religious invention, and the level of intolerance and disregard may run truly deep amongst some. None of that makes what the hubby is doing right...I like the suggestion of a compromise: Let me practice my religion, and I will promise to keep it to myself and outside our house. If he can't accept that, it might be fair to ask who's the one trying mind control?

[Flyingbeliever]

Wow! Thank you so much for all the replies everyone! I’m overwhelmed by the fact that so many of you would come to my aid on this subject.

I have re-read parts of my post and i see how the title as well as some of the things I wrote may create a bit of misunderstanding. What I meant to say in the title was that my wife doesn’t seem to want to understand (or be open to) why I want to be a member of the church and she won’t really accept my explanations for why either.

At the same time she says she accepts and have no problem with me believing she will challenge the existence of God with the argument that “why are so many bad things happening in the world if there is a God” an “why does he take people we love away from us”. There are no scientific arguments at all actually but it comes down to why would I spend time on this when so many bad things happen all around us? The issue here is that while I’m probably not the best person to try to “defend” God or the gospel she is not open to hear my feelings on the subject or the answers and/or explanations that I have to offer. All because I “may try to change her”.

After some initial discussions we agreed that I would attend the church and not bring it home or discuss it with her. This was not a problem and I never initiated any discussions on the subject or bring it home in any way shape or form. However, after doing some research about the church of her own she decided to change her mind as she has taken in a lot of the negative information and very little of the good. This is what created the situation described in my previous post where I had to basically stop any involvement (studying, attending or otherwise). Any attempts to since open the discussion back up has led us nowhere as she is certain that I will change into a Christian fundamentalist and be brainwashed.

As I mentioned in my previous post I have offered to “just” attend church and to hold off with being baptised until is sits comfortably with her, however long that may take. As spamlds mentioned; not being baptised doesn’t prevent me from studying the scriptures, attending church, and living the gospel. I think that me having (already) expressed a desire to be baptised may have made this a problem though as I believe she now thinks that me being involved with the church in any way would result in me getting drawn in deeper and deeper... Even without the baptism.

Melissa569 I believe yo got it exactly right with the paragraph where you said:

“Your wife (and my husband) may be getting angry because she's afraid that your involvement with the church is going to drive you both apart. She probably thinks the deeper you get into it, the more you might be trying to convince her, or bring more church activities to your home. And the less you will have in common.”

I can honestly say though that it’s not about convincing her of anything and I also do not believe that it would result in us having less in common. We still do the things we used to do together, I still have the same interests outside of church and we still talk about the same subjects we always have. In addition I have always believed in God and read the bible (granted not as much as now). As such that part is not really news to her. Now, having said that I think that she may still think that is what is going to happen.

Like many of you have said: it should be a case of I respect you so you should respect me. It feels good that so many others agree with that line of thinking and that will be the base for our next discussion on the subject. I’m just going to take it one step at a time... First step is to be able to attend church without it creating an issue.

Thanks again for all the wonderful answers and great input.

[ruthiechan]

But do not discuss children YET, methinks.

The Church encourages men to be better fathers and husbands, and that family is most important. You can tell her this, and tell her that you won't be going to every church activity etc. Maybe this will help her feel better.

EDIT: Also, find out the questions to those answers yourself, that way you will have the answers, and when she is able to listen you'll be ready. You two are in my prayers!

Do you have a copy of the Gospel Principles manual? If not you can find it online here: LDS.org - Melchizedek Priesthood Table of Contents - Gospel Principles

Edited July 16, 2010 by ruthiechan

[arid]

If you are obviously changed for the better by your conversion people you barely know will notice; let alone your wife. On the other hand, if you have all the same old warts and try to browbeat your new found faith upon others, don't expect a good reaction. So let your life speak for itself and keep your words to a bare minimum.