Why do people stop attending church?

[Jenamarie]

Boy, I sure people struggling in their faith aren't reading this thread. So much judgment.

Hang in there, whoever you might be, who is struggling in their faith.

[Anddenex]

As much as we like to think otherwise, the majority of our relationships with members in our wards are on the surface of the onion--which is exactly where reinterpretation of their experience is so damaging.

My main emphasis MoE isn't the idea of two wrongs make a right, or that one way is better than the other. I am merely pointing out that each situation is different, and each situation may need a different approach; thus, as to my perspective, we shouldn't pigeon hole anyone according to our personal interpretation.

I have learned that at times my personal desires / interpretation will interfere with what is most important when confronting or addressing a person's concern -- the spirit. On my mission I served with one bold missionary and at times while he spoke I wished I was a turtle so that I could sink my head into my shell -- as he embarrassed me. Then, to my surprise, how often I witnessed a change of heart in the investigator we spoke with. My initial thought, man this Elder is going to get us kicked out of this home, only to discover through his merits in following the spirit another individual was brought unto Christ. It was humbling for me. He cared more about God's will, while I cared more about "offending" someone. Other times, well, he offended someone. Our companionship actually created a great balance, when we were working together in harmony with the spirit.

I agree, I think being a friend is very important and I would agree that, unfortunately, our relationships in Church are more surface than deep rooted relationships; however, we shouldn't allow the type of relationship we have interfere with what is most important for the individual we are speaking with. If we assume, we have to have a deep rooted friendship to make a change in someone's life, then we may actually miss the opportunity to minister and to help the individual.

I am reminded of Elder Bednar's words, as a stake president and how he would ask the bishops to pray about three families, and then they would visit them. I am pretty sure as the stake president Elder Bednar didn't have a deep seated friendship with either of these families, yet he went into the home to minister and to give them an invitation while broadening their knowledge.

[Bini]

I have a hard time understanding some of the reasons listed here. Also when I first read the quote about sin being the reason people quit attending church, I was offended. But as I read the excuses for not going to church, I started rethinking it.

I think not understanding is a big part of why there's segregation and people leave. For some, it's impossible to conceive why someone would stop attending church based on this or that, it just doesn't compute and that's part of the problem. Often times there's no relation, so we lose a brother or sister or entire family.

I'm still offended that "sin" is the wide stroke brush used to paint everyone that has left church. There are so many reasons why someone or a family may stop attending, and sometimes, it's not in their control. To lump everyone under sin is arrogant.

Wouldn't it be a sin to quit coming to church because you envy other members' physical looks or financial status? Even if it's not envy, wouldn't it be a sin to let something so worldly keep you from renewing your covenants and serving in the church?

Wouldn't it be a sin to leave the church because you can't forgive someone who offended you?

You're thinking small. Not everyone is a member. My friend and her family were INVESTIGATING. It's only natural for people to avoid situations where they feel hurt or pain. In their shoes, why continue to investigate when you feel belittled? They were a perfectly happy family before, and I suspect they felt after their unfortunate experience at my family ward, that they really didn't need to subject themselves to the stigmas they were feeling.

Are we supposed to go to church because we like all the people there or are we supposed to go because we love and obey The Lord?

Remember, the pool of people that are at church are not all equal, in regards to faith. There's members with strong testimonies, members with shaky testimonies, members without testimonies. inactive members that show-up on a hit or miss, and investigators. So to assume that everyone is at a place in their faith to live according to that statement is naive and a bit self-righteous.

I know that there are the occasional legitimate reasons to stop attending (health and some cases work) but I would say 90% are just excuses.

If you think health and work are the only reasons (or valid reasons) why people stop attending, and everything else is hogwash, there's a big lack in your comprehension. I could rattle off many scenarios why someone or a family might stop attending, and it wouldn't even touch health or work affairs, and I daresay it wouldn't be because of sin either.

We have two families in our branch (twig) that have recently stopped attending. Both because they got offended by another member. It's just so sad to me. One guy stood up to give a talk and instead announced that he was leaving the church because he heard that someone else said something about him. Another family quit coming because their teenage son got caught stealing and the branch president told him that he couldn't pass sacrament... That was too harsh apparently.

Like I was getting at, some reasons for leaving fall under sin and some reasons for leaving don't. I won't be the judge of that.

All of this is coming from someone who was inactive for almost 10 years. I know about excuses.

Welcome back :) I think you'd be surprised that there's quite a few of us that have walked in the "inactive shoes". I was inactive for 14 years and my husband was inactive for over 30 years. As we've returned to activity, we try to keep a compassionate outlook and understanding of others, especially towards those that are teetering off the edge of leaving.

[Anddenex]

Boy, I sure people struggling in their faith aren't reading this thread. So much judgment.

Hang in there, whoever you might be, who is struggling in their faith.

Oh the irony, how does one know any judgement is given, without they themselves making a judgement?

[Anddenex]

In relation to Elder Richard's comment as shared by Traveler, I leave these words as addressed by President Hinckley, since President Benson could not deliver the message himself:

Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. (See 2 Ne. 9:42.) There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous.

Disobedience is essentially a prideful power struggle against someone in authority over us. It can be a parent, a priesthood leader, a teacher, or ultimately God. A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position.

Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.

Pride results in secret combinations which are built up to get power, gain, and glory of the world. (See Hel. 7:5; Ether 8:9, 16, 22–23; Moses 5:31.) This fruit of the sin of pride, namely secret combinations, brought down both the Jaredite and the Nephite civilizations and has been and will yet be the cause of the fall of many nations. (See Ether 8:18–25.)

[applepansy]

As I said earlier, this can be as true as you want it to be. You still have to deal with what the person is feeling.

I agree. We can't fix someone else. We can only fix ourselves. We also have to remember that Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just Are. What we do with them is what affects our lives.

Completely agreed. But again, sometimes saying "the truth" in these situations does more harm than good. There are times when the blunt truth is not what a person needs to hear.

Agreed. I think we also need to realize that the only person we can fix is ourselves. We should not attempt to fix others. Because we can only change ourselves for good or bad.

I have serious doubts that what Elder Richards said is a universal fact.

Universal is pretty broad. There are other reasons why people stop going to church, such as, health issues, family issues. But being uncomfortable in church and then not attending has a cause. I don't believe a crisis of faith is a sin. But disobeying God's commandments is. So if a crisis of faith is our reason for breaking the commandment to attend Sacrament meeting to renew our covenants, aren't we choosing to sin?

I realize saying that to your wife will not help. Only one person can change how your wife feels and that's her. Help can come from Heavenly Father, Christ, the Holy Ghost and you.

[applepansy]

Boy, I sure people struggling in their faith aren't reading this thread. So much judgment.

Hang in there, whoever you might be, who is struggling in their faith.

I don't see condemnation in this thread.

In a thread like this often we read someone's words not through their feelings but through our own feelings. When that happens we miss their intent.

[skippy740]

Let's use a more realistic example, shall we.

Children grow up hearing a story about a young Joseph Smith who needed to have leg surgery. The surgeon wanted to give him brandy to dull the pain and make it easier to perform the surgery. But young Joseph refused, because he knew that it was wrong to drink. And so if young Joseph could understand God's will that we follow the Word of Wisdom, then we can do it too!

Then, later in life, you learn that Joseph enjoyed his alcohol (HC 1, I'd have to look up the page number at home), and later in life often enjoyed wine with his dinner (Rough Stone Rolling, though wine wasn't strictly against the Word of Wisdom at the time).

For a person who has bought into the image of Smith as an angelic, nearly perfect prophet of the Restoration, these historical revelations can be jarring. If your testimony of and faith in the Church is rooted in your testimony of that image of Joseph, learning that what you've always believed...what you feel you've always been taught...is not what really happened can shatter the foundation of your faith.

We can discuss whether the Church propagates that image of Smith deliberately, or if they just don't do enough to counter it, or whatever. The reality is that this is what happens to some people. Whether or not we think it should happen or follows logic or anything else doesn't matter. It happens, and so we have to deal with it.

For the person who is experiencing this kind of thing to be told it is their fault because of some sin, or because they've allowed their doubts to interfere with their faith, or because they are unwilling to forgive some offense does more harm than good. Even if these things are true, they are in a state of turmoil, and blaming them usually makes them feel less accepted when what they need is more acceptance.

First, thank you for sharing. Now, I don't know if this is the actual problem, but let's work with what you've shared.

Yes, children learn about this story. It's even in the animated stories of church history. The Joseph Smith Story

The conclusions drawn aren't quite right to me, and I'd like to share why.

1 - The story is to show that we can all follow the Word of Wisdom? Joseph Smith at the age of 10, didn't know about the Word of Wisdom. He may have just decided to avoid drinking, or it's more probable that his PARENTS taught him not to drink.

To me, this story is like George Washington and the cherry tree. "I can not tell a lie" story we all hear in kindergarten. Did it really happen? We don't know.

Let's look at Christopher Columbus... who was foretold about in the Book of Mormon: 1 Nephi 13:12

12 And I looked and beheld a man among the Gentiles, who was separated from the seed of my brethren by the many waters; and I beheld the Spirit of God, that it came down and wrought upon the man; and he went forth upon the many waters, even unto the seed of my brethren, who were in the promised land.

I've heard many things that are 'not so favorable' to what I heard growing up about Christopher Columbus. Yes, he was not called to be a prophet... but in context of this verse, it can be interesting to think about.

We do know that the Church instructs its members to do good and aspire to be more than we are - to put off the natural man. It's kinda hard to do that by talking about people's faults. Yes, it can be done (and I think it's more effective myself), but the Church is teaching and instructing us to do better by using the examples of good men. Not perfect men, but good men.

The purpose of Church lessons isn't to teach perfect history, but to lead us to lead good lives in accordance to the gospel of Jesus Christ.

2 - Latter Day Prophets are not infallible.

D&C 1:24-28

24 Behold, I am God and have spoken it; these commandments are of me, and were given unto my servants in their weakness, after the manner of their language, that they might come to understanding.

25 And inasmuch as they erred it might be made known;

26 And inasmuch as they sought wisdom they might be instructed;

27 And inasmuch as they sinned they might be chastened, that they might repent;

28 And inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong, and blessed from on high, and receive knowledge from time to time.

D&C 94:47

47 And now, verily I say unto Joseph Smith, Jun.—You have not kept the commandments, and must needs stand rebuked before the Lord;

D&C 132 - section heading

Revelation given through Joseph Smith the Prophet, at Nauvoo, Illinois, recorded July 12, 1843, relating to the new and everlasting covenant, including the eternity of the marriage covenant and the principle of plural marriage. Although the revelation was recorded in 1843, evidence indicates that some of the principles involved in this revelation were known by the Prophet as early as 1831. See Official Declaration 1.

If he was so 'perfect'... why did it take him 12 years?

I recommend this book to get some additional insights: Shaken Faith Syndrome: Strengthening One's Testimony in the Face of Criticism and Doubt: Michael R. Ash: 9781893036147: Amazon.com: Books

I hope this helps some.

[Bini]

Boy, I sure people struggling in their faith aren't reading this thread. So much judgment.

Hang in there, whoever you might be, who is struggling in their faith.

What rubbed me the wrong way was the overall conclusion and statement that everyone that leaves the church or stops attending, does so in sin, and that's a terrible and unfortunate misconception. I won't pretend that perhaps some do leave because of sin but certainly not every crayon in the box is black!

[Leah]

These kind of responses are irritating. "My mistreatment of others can't be so bad because your mistreating me in the same way." As if somehow two wrongs make it okay. Take that approach if you want, but tell me how it benefits anyone. Butting heads on that matter just gives fuel for us not to change our behavior so that we are capable of embracing those who are struggling in their faith. If I'm given a choice of pigeon holing people who are struggling and pigeon holing those who are in a position to help, I'll gladly pigeon hold those who are in a position to help if I think it will help them realize that there's a better way to do what they are in a position to do.

Good on you! This is exactly how it's supposed to work. But notice that I highlighted a word for you.

Social Penetration Theory might be a good model to explore here. It uses an onion as a model for developing relationships. In the early phases, conversations have great breadth, but they are superficial--the outer layers of the onion. As we develop more intimate relationships, the discussions go into more depth, with more personal details being shared--the inner layers of the onion.

When you've put in the time to develop a friendship with a person and have reached a point where your discussions reach into the inner layers of the onion, you've earned the privilege of sharing your interpretations and opinions on their life. When your relationship is still on the outer layers, you keep your mouth shut until you get to those inner layers (sharing too much too soon is often damaging to the relationship).

As much as we like to think otherwise, the majority of our relationships with members in our wards are on the surface of the onion--which is exactly where reinterpretation of their experience is so damaging.

So....your opinion is "better" or "right" because it is YOUR opinion? Your mistreatment is acceptable because it is yours, but you are allowed to judge someone else on what you perceive to be their mistreatment?

I see this too much on this forum.

I don't disagree with the notion that we must be loving in our relationships and actions. But sometimes the posts on this board make it sound as though the person who has lost their testimony...has gone inactive....are never the ones responsible for their actions and choices. Somehow, it is always someone else's fault. Someone else's (or the Church's) actions "made" someone lose their testimony. "Made" someone stop attending church.

If I ever stop attending church, it will be because it's choice I made. Are there things...or people...at church that frustrate me or make me uncomfortable...or make me feel unwelcome? Absolutely. But the strength of my testimony...my choice to be active or not...is up to me, not anyone else. No person gave it to me and no person can take it away.

[MarginOfError]

Universal is pretty broad. There are other reasons why people stop going to church, such as, health issues, family issues. But being uncomfortable in church and then not attending has a cause. I don't believe a crisis of faith is a sin. But disobeying God's commandments is. So if a crisis of faith is our reason for breaking the commandment to attend Sacrament meeting to renew our covenants, aren't we choosing to sin?

I'd posit that there's a difference between sinning to leave the Church and leaving the Church because of sin.

[skippy740]

Leah,

I 1000% agree with you. We are all responsible for our choices. No one 'made' us do anything.

Here's my only problem: Once someone has a 'victim mentality' - that something happened TO them... they don't FEEL like they can take the next step. They don't feel empowered. They feel damaged and hurt.

To me, the solution is to listen, love them (regardless of their choices), help them work through the issues, and encourage them to make a commitment.

Sounds like the missionary commitment pattern to me!

We cannot 'shame' people back into activity. (Not saying anyone is mentioning this.) We shouldn't make people feel bad for being inactive. Stating that you miss them at Church is okay.

But we don't love people BECAUSE they go to Church every week. We love them because we love them.

[Suzie]

When you've put in the time to develop a friendship with a person and have reached a point where your discussions reach into the inner layers of the onion, you've earned the privilege of sharing your interpretations and opinions on their life. When your relationship is still on the outer layers, you keep your mouth shut until you get to those inner layers (sharing too much too soon is often damaging to the relationship).

As much as we like to think otherwise, the majority of our relationships with members in our wards are on the surface of the onion--which is exactly where reinterpretation of their experience is so damaging.

I wanted to quote from a talk on lds.org that reminded me of MOE's message:

The Role of Friends

Among less-active members, there are many who can be lovingly brought back—who, in fact, want to come back. But active members may not realize this because many of them do not know these less-active members very well. Active members most frequently find their closest friends among those they associate with in Church meetings and activities. As a result, some less-active members conclude that they are being shut out.

Loving friendship is vital in bringing people back. One successful home teacher, formerly less active himself, deliberately spends time getting to know the people he home teaches because he remembers the days when he wondered, Does this person care about me? Another home teacher commented: “We sometimes think, Here I am living the gospel. I’m going to go in and help you who are not living it. That attitude will almost always fail. If we realize that these are strong and able, valuable, wonderful people who are going to bless our lives, then all of a sudden we find ourselves in partnership with them.”

Genuine friends offer three things necessary in bringing back less-active members. First, they bring a level of commitment that builds confidence and trust; they do not give up and abandon the friendship if the less-active person does not respond quickly. Second, they bring personal warmth born of love. And third, they bring a willingness to share and draw lessons from their own struggles and experiences.

What Leads to Activation?

Experience has revealed eight key factors in helping less-active Latter-day Saints participate fully in gospel ordinances and opportunities.

1. Positive experiences with active Church members are critical. True friendship often resolves negative feelings toward the Church and other members.

2. People are most likely to respond to those they trust. Newly activated members say they respond best to members who are willing to make sacrifices for them and accept rather than judge them. It is important for them to sense that an active member’s efforts are genuine and not merely the fulfillment of duty.

3. The three most important attributes a member seeking to help others back into activity can have are sharing, friendliness, and commitment. Here, sharing means a willingness to discuss one’s own experiences. Friendliness means having a friendly, trusting attitude. Commitment means consistency in visiting and fulfilling promises.

4. Members helping others become active feel a responsibility for them. They care about their spiritual lives....

Coming Back - Liahona May 1998 - liahona

What I liked the most about the talk (the part I didn't quote) is that the Church validates the feelings of those who are less active without pointing out who is right or who is wrong or trying to brush it off as excuses, instead the Church validates the concerns:

Some less-active Latter-day Saints believe that active members are hypocritical. They reason this way: “I’m not what I ought to be, but I’m about as good as anyone else. Going to church doesn’t seem to make anyone a better person, and all those people who go every Sunday don’t appear to be any better than I am. They’re just pretending that they are. I’m more honest; I don’t pretend to be better than anyone else.” These feelings are often expressed by less-active members who feel shut out and alone. They point out that the Savior’s admonition to love others is to be extended not only to those with whom we are comfortable, but to everyone (see Matt. 5:46–47).

There are several parts similar to this one in the link provided. There is an acknowledgment that in few words is stating (my words):

"yes, we hear you. We want to know why you are not coming to Church. Your concerns and fears are IMPORTANT to us and we acknowledge them. We do not see them as merely excuses. We CARE how you feel and we want to help you to come back".

[bytor2112]

There obviously is not a simple answer as to why people leave the church. I have served as EQP for three years and it is really enlightening to hear from those that will share. The reasons are numerous, but I think of those that could potentially come back, transgression played a role in their departure. Maybe not gross transgression, but certainly enough that the Holy Spirit was no longer there daily companion.

Others that I think are more challenging to re-activate are those that have experienced a pattern of careless treatment. Rarely do people leave because they were offended.....................once. It is usually a pattern of it. Isolation, gossiping, etc all play a role and it seems that this group have the most difficult time reconciling those feelings.

Truly as the Psalmist wrote:

Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.

[Jman4201]

Why did I leave the church? I'm not entirely sure that I did. I took a job, it was a job that I was well suited for, one of the only jobs in my 40 years that I've enjoyed. Sadly, however, I work on Sundays. With this church more than any other if you don't go to church on Sunday you pretty much don't exist. Other than a few vacation days on Sundays I don't EVER see anyone from our ward. My wife attends every Sunday and takes our 3 kids but effectively I don't exist to the church. It's sad but it's the reality of not living the 'ideal' version of church life. There are things I could do I'm sure and I'm also sure you will be full of ideas. I've tried a few but in the end I can't go on Sundays. No sacrament, no brotherhood, it's like sitting outside a fancy restaurant and looking through the window wishing you could be inside but knowing there's no way you could afford the meal. Lol. I'm not bitter really, just sort of sad.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Jman4201

[mdfxdb]

I had a female member tell me on my mission "Elder I will never go inactive because if I do then nobody will ever visit me..."

[Jenamarie]

Others that I think are more challenging to re-activate are those that have experienced a pattern of careless treatment. Rarely do people leave because they were offended.....................once. It is usually a pattern of it. Isolation, gossiping, etc all play a role and it seems that this group have the most difficult time reconciling those feelings.

Truly as the Psalmist wrote:

Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.

This unfortunately happened in the ward I grew up in. A young man and his family joined the church and started attending our ward. He lived within our ward boundaries, but not within the boundaries of the school all the other boys in his Deacon's quorum attended, so he only ever saw them at church, and the rest of them saw each other all the rest of the week. For whatever reason these boys started bullying him. It started with whispered name calling, then escalated into physical bullying. They didn't limit their behavior to just him either. They harassed me (I was 6 years older than them) when I was waiting outside the Bishop's office, saying nasty, vile things, and they harrassed a few other of the young women. For whatever reason, the YM's presidency was slow to try to address the issue, and many parents finally had to confront the Bishop to get him to put a stop to it, because the YM's presidency just wasn't.

Unfortunately though, the damage had been done, and this young man's budding testimony was effectively squashed, and by the time the Bishop was finally brought in to intervene the family had already stopped attending, obviously not wanting to subject their son to such treatment.

Because of that situation I'm slower to judge a person who says they left the church because they were offended. There are some instances, such as the one I saw, where church literally becomes a *toxic* place for a person, and it can be difficult for some people to want to return to a place that is more associated with feelings of isolation and negativity rather than with the sweet feelings of peace that a church environment *should* be known for.

[Anddenex]

This unfortunately happened in the ward I grew up in. A young man and his family joined the church and started attending our ward. He lived within our ward boundaries, but not within the boundaries of the school all the other boys in his Deacon's quorum attended, so he only ever saw them at church, and the rest of them saw each other all the rest of the week. For whatever reason these boys started bullying him. It started with whispered name calling, then escalated into physical bullying. They didn't limit their behavior to just him either. They harassed me (I was 6 years older than them) when I was waiting outside the Bishop's office, saying nasty, vile things, and they harrassed a few other of the young women. For whatever reason, the YM's presidency was slow to try to address the issue, and many parents finally had to confront the Bishop to get him to put a stop to it, because the YM's presidency just wasn't.

Unfortunately though, the damage had been done, and this young man's budding testimony was effectively squashed, and by the time the Bishop was finally brought in to intervene the family had already stopped attending, obviously not wanting to subject their son to such treatment.

Because of that situation I'm slower to judge a person who says they left the church because they were offended. There are some instances, such as the one I saw, where church literally becomes a *toxic* place for a person, and it can be difficult for some people to want to return to a place that is more associated with feelings of isolation and negativity rather than with the sweet feelings of peace that a church environment *should* be known for.

This is truly unfortunate, however in contrast others who have been put through similar circumstances are still thriving and did not make the choice of leaving the Church.

I know of one boy, who was subject to mistreatment by other boys and when he came home telling his parents he didn't want to go to church, his father and mother taught him the real reasons why we go to church. This young boy didn't enjoy going to church, but in the end he is fine, an active member, and participates in the Church.

In contrast, the same ward, a young man didn't like the way the other young man spoke about his father. He went home and told his father what the young boys said about him. The next Sunday they never attended church again. His oldest daughter pleaded that her father would let her attend church, but he was offended and didn't allow his daughter to attend church.

People, have a responsibility for their own salvation even if the scenario at Church is toxic.

I know of other individuals who have had the bishop turn against them, and yet they still attend faithfully.

We really don't have any "lawful" or "good" excuses not to attend to our duties.

P.S. I agree with your post, I think it is also good however to recognize there are other people who have experienced the same toxicity and they are still faithful members.

[Jenamarie]

P.S. I agree with your post, I think it is also good however to recognize there are other people who have experienced the same toxicity and they are still faithful members.

I understand, which is why I said for *some* people it can be hard to overcome such situations, and we need to be sensitive to people's reasons for leaving, even if we've seen others stay and thrive in the Church after dealing with the same difficulties. We need to keep a watch out for situations in our wards that could lead to unnecessary harm being done to struggling testimonies (bullying, gossip, etc. and yes I realize it will be impossible to prevent *anyone* from being offended). We should do what we can to make church a safe place, and not a toxic one.

[Anddenex]

I understand, which is why I said for *some* people it can be hard to overcome such situations, and we need to be sensitive to people's reasons for leaving, even if we've seen others stay and thrive in the Church after dealing with the same difficulties. We need to keep a watch out for situations in our wards that could lead to unnecessary harm being done to struggling testimonies (bullying, gossip, etc. and yes I realize it will be impossible to prevent *anyone* from being offended). We should do what we can to make church a safe place, and not a toxic one.

Agreed, and I find it interesting within scripture the people who are expected by the Lord to prevent, to make the church a safe place, begins with (Doctrine and Covenants 20: 53-54):

The teacher’s duty is to watch over the church always, and be with and strengthen them;

And see that there is no iniquity in the church, neither hardness with each other, neither lying, backbiting, nor evil speaking;

[annewandering]

I understand, which is why I said for *some* people it can be hard to overcome such situations, and we need to be sensitive to people's reasons for leaving, even if we've seen others stay and thrive in the Church after dealing with the same difficulties. We need to keep a watch out for situations in our wards that could lead to unnecessary harm being done to struggling testimonies (bullying, gossip, etc. and yes I realize it will be impossible to prevent *anyone* from being offended). We should do what we can to make church a safe place, and not a toxic one.

For some it might be impossible to overcome. Consider if every time you went to church you thought people were avoiding you. What if you saw someone at church you thought was one of your abusers, even though it was a life time ago and that person is probably dead by now. What if you felt the walls closing in on you in a very real way. What if you were terrified of being hurt every time you walked in the door? What if the reason for those fears and feeling was because you were hurt by people in the church at one long period of time long ago? Not emotionally hurt. Hurt.

Would the reason for not going be sin?

We have no right to say why anyone might not be attending church unless it is us. Our part is not to figure out why but to accept the person. If we are their VT or HT then do your #$^%$#$ JOB. Let them know someone remembers they exist. Then if you really want to know then ask them, not guess.

We do not go to church.

We have our reasons and NOT One of those reasons is a lack of testimony. The only person from church we ever see, even in our small town is.. oh wait. We never see anyone except the boys who come to give us the sacrament. It is funny, even ironic, that the only personal contact we have is the sacrament. Its the important part so I am happy! And God knows our reasons so it is all good.

[bytor2112]

I understand, which is why I said for *some* people it can be hard to overcome such situations, and we need to be sensitive to people's reasons for leaving, even if we've seen others stay and thrive in the Church after dealing with the same difficulties. We need to keep a watch out for situations in our wards that could lead to unnecessary harm being done to struggling testimonies (bullying, gossip, etc. and yes I realize it will be impossible to prevent *anyone* from being offended). We should do what we can to make church a safe place, and not a toxic one.

This happened in our Ward and my two sons were directly involved on the receiving end. We initially pulled our sons from youth activities because things were so bad and then seminary. There was a few very malicious older boys that did some pretty bad stuff and one of them belonged to the YM President who didn't do anything to correct and neither did the Bishop. My eldest son is serving a mission in Italy and thankfully my youngest will attend BYU and then on to a mission.....but it was rocky for a while. We grew closer as a family and taught our kids at home on Wednesdays and in place of seminary....but continued onward on Sundays .

Without a doubt, others are not as fortunate and do leave because they can't bare how they are made to feel....and when our kids are involved it becomes personal. I have often wondered who the Lord would be wroth with.....those who left or the ones whose actions prompted their leaving?

I do not like the word offended..."oh they were offended" it sounds belittling and the truth is in the details and "hurt or "betrayed" often seem more appropriate.

Edited June 21, 2013 by bytor2112

[mountain_trails]

Pretty much what happened to me. I'm active, but EXTREMELY uncomfortable at church, and for that matter, most social situations anywhere. But church is by far and away the worst.

[justinc]

I left because I took issue with traditional Latter-day Saint doctrine. For me things just didn't add up.

[Theophan]

I left because, despite years of faithful service, mission, temple marriage, tithing, callings, tearful prayer, and sincere desire, I never once, ever, felt the spirit in any recognizable way. I also eventually discovered disturbing things about church history and doctrine from church-published sources as I delved into the history of my ancestors and the early church. I hung in there for years anyway, like many I suppose, hoping in the promises that were made, believing that one day, in time, God would answer my prayer like everyone else I knew, and that I would receive that confirmation I so desperately needed and wanted. Eventually, as the angst and frustration over my failure to gain a testimony mounted, I opened up and approached family members, ward members, and church leaders in confusion and a hurting heart and was advised again and again in multiple wards that maybe I wasn't really truly sincere in my desire; maybe I wasn't listening when the spirit whispered; maybe there was a secret, unrepented sin I was harboring; maybe I wasn't praying hard enough, with real intent; maybe God was withholding the Spirit from me to test me; maybe deep down, God knew that I wasn't truly willing to commit all of myself to the Gospel. Some expressed outright disbelief and accused me of lying to myself. At first hearing all of this was depressing; then I got angry. It got to the point where I could hardly bear to hear statements like "I know this church is true", "I'd like to bear my testimony", "I know the Book of Mormon is true", etc., without severe anxiety. I had to stop attending for my own wellbeing. A year or so later, I was persuaded to give it a try one more time and, ironically, the topic in EQ meeting that day was "How to Receive Personal Revelation". I asked point blank: "If someone prays for years and doesn't feel anything at all, is it always that person's fault?" Every single man in the room nodded their heads or said "Yes" audibly. That's when I knew I was done with the church forever. I still go to sacrament meeting on occasion with the wife and kids, but I haven't been to General Conference, Fast and Testimony Meeting, or EQ for seven years and have been to Gospel Doctrine only a couple of times over the same period. It's just too much for me to handle. I've seen relatives baptize and ordain my kids, which really, really sucks. Things have been strained for years at home due to all of this. For people like me, the Church can be a family destroyer and a cause of depression.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Theophan