I think I hate my husband

[sbg320]

and the guilt is killing me. My husband and I have been together for only 4 years (we were sealed in the temple one year ago). The problem is that we fight a lot and he is so hostile and cold towards me, it has turned off the love I used to have for him. He has serious communication issues (can't calmly speak to me about things when he's upset) and he gives me the cold shoulder for days. He did not grow up in the church and although he seems to want to be LDS, he does the unrightious dominion thing and resists a lot of the basic rules (like going to church every Sunday, keeping the sabath day holy, etc). He also has a very agressive personality which came out after we got married. I feel so helpless b/c I don't think leaving is the right thing to do but I can't stand being around him or even hearing his voice sometimes. I talked to my bishop about this one time and he suggested counceling but when my husband found out I talked to the bishop, he got very angry and refused counceling. How can I stay with someone who makes me so unhappy? I am also trying to deal with the guilt of feeling so much hatred towards him. It is so depressing b/c I should feel love for this man but I don't. We have so many more issues than just what I've told you here, but do I really want to spend eternity with someone I hate here on Earth?

[Guest]

I don't understand how one can go from love - the kind of love that causes one person to decide they want to make a life-long decision of getting married - then hate the same person that much all in a matter of 4 years...

[MorningStar]

What did you love about him when you married him?

[blushot]

I came across this on the forums here and was intrigued by it... I bought it and my wife and I watched it together. We don't have serious problems, just the normal petty misunderstandings etc but watching this really puts a different perspective on how we should be towards our partners and how we should look to be towards each other.

Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com

It's a life long commitment and we make our vows for better or for worse although we never expect the worse. I'd say try be the stronger person and give all you have and you may be surprised! The softer you are towards him may just make him realise how he is being towards you and start to be soft back.

Ask Heavenly Father to soften his heart towards you and ask for the patience you need to have a soft heart towards him.

He may also have something that he's dealing with that may make him behave this way, I'm not trying to justify his actions however we all crumble in certain situations. I know I can sometimes be nasty unintentionally and it's always with the people closest to me.

Watch the movie, it really is inspiring!

[Jennarator]

This just makes me sad to read. Sorry you feel this way. I do know the feeling.

I know sometimes it sounds like we say this a lot in this forum a lot, but perhaps some counseling might help?

I also like what MorningStar put about why did you love him. Perhaps write those reasons down. Read them often. Maybe even tell him why you fell in love with him.

I know you said he is horrible about communication, but go out, dinner or something where the tv and computer can't distract you, and talk. Tell him you are concerned. Find out if he feels the same, or if he even thinks anything is wrong.

[sbg320]

Anatess - I hardly understand it myself. We have been thru a lot (waaay to much to write here) but basically, he is not the same man I married.

Morning Star - I loved his confidence. He acted like he could take on the world. He was kind and had a sweet gentile voice back then. He made me laugh and we had so much in common. He was so sweet and generous to me and the kids. He put on a show like he was this knight in shining armor - that all changed within 6 months of marriage.

Blushot - Thank for the movie reccomendation. I will try to find a copy an watch it with him. I like your thoughts on having a soft heart. It's pretty hard with someone who is aggressive and hostile. But, I admit I need to be better at that. I think something is going on with him but he has put up a wall that I can't scale.

Jennarator - Thanks for your sympathy. He is aware that we have problems. He can probably sense that I'm not his #1 fan. It makes me very sad b/c I should be his #1 fan. He just pushes me away with his overwhelming anger. We've talked a lot about this but he gets defensive very quickly and once that happens, talking just doesn't work.

Overall, I guess I'm just on this downward slope and I feel like giving up. I really have tried many things (self-improvement most of all) to fix our marriage but I can't fix this alone. I have guilt about my feelings towards him. I have guilt about my inability to change things. I feel bad b/c our kids see how unhappy we are. I cry almost every night begging in prayer for something to change.

[skippy740]

Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (9780060520625): Laura Schlessinger: Books

Amazon.com: The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage: Laura Schlessinger: Books

[RescueMom]

Have you thought of going to counciling by yourself. Just because he is not willing to go, doesn't mean it won't work for you. Family Therapist can teach you about the tools you need to help yourself and him and the kids. I realize that reading books and watching movies maybe a good thing, an actual therapist can be more hands on in the situation.

And as suggested prayer always helps.

[MorningStar]

It sounds like either your husband put on an act or he has some kind of disorder. I think going to counseling by yourself is a good idea and that sometimes when a spouse suggests counseling together, what they hear is, "I am a failure."

I don't know how to make things better, but you can at least let him know what you will and will no tolerate.

[prettyrose]

Your husband deceived you. He pretended to be someone that he wasn't so that you would marry him. Honey one thing about men is that they know they have to be SOOOO nice and daddy like to the step children in order to win further points with you.

If your husband is holding you back from progress in the church then leave. Do you know what it is like to sit there in church and someone asks so where is your husband at? Your response is "at home" and they say "oh im so sorry that he is sick today" and you say "no actually he didn't want to come to church today at all" What a sad life is that. It implies that your mate has already left you ALONE. Alone in everything else eventually.

Point blank this man deceived you from the start. What marriage is there when it was built upon deception? NOTHING.

Get out before it is too late.

Oh, all the smiles and laughs bought on by this man was just part of something "New" that came with his deception tactics. He was waiting for the marriage "I do" to change his attitude around because he thinks that u cant leave him as easy.

Edited March 29, 2011 by prettyrose

[Bini]

I don't understand how one can go from love - the kind of love that causes one person to decide they want to make a life-long decision of getting married - then hate the same person that much all in a matter of 4 years...

I can.

And this is just one situation that I'm pinpointing here. Predators and abusers are often times the most charismatic and seemingly well-rounded individuals you'll ever meet. They'll shower you with love and entertain you with their fantastic sense of humour—it's only a matter of time until you're head over heels. These kinds of relationships are almost to textbook as well, with the first year or two being a honeymoon phase of absolute bliss, and then things change. The person you thought you knew and grew to trust over "X" amount of years is different, literally. You find yourself not as an equal, treated poorly, stepped on and taken advantage of. You stick it out for "X" amount of years telling yourself things will change. While you work on yourself, cry and pray every night, you're not willing to throw in the towel just yet. But then that day comes where you know that you just gotta GET OUT.

Now, I'm not saying that the OP is in this situation. I'm just saying that there are situations and circumstances where one might fall in love with someone and trust them will all their heart and soul but that person (being the predator and abuser they are) had such an outstanding facade that the "bad" was never seen until you were shackled and secured in their controlling and abusive world.

Sorry if that came off heavy in reading but I just wanted to leave a thought on that particular comment. In any other relationship that has the typical road bumps of ups and downs, yes, it's important to reflect on WHAT made you fall in love and trust this person from the beginning, and reconsider those reasons. And counseling only works with the willing. If a spouse is not interested in going, go by yourself and develop a support system. I know that in some relationships, counseling isn't even an option when the abuser has total control of where you go and what you do.

[prettyrose]

I can.

And this is just one situation that I'm pinpointing here. Predators and abusers are often times the most charismatic and seemingly well-rounded individuals you'll ever meet. They'll shower you with love and entertain you with their fantastic sense of humour—it's only a matter of time until you're head over heels. These kinds of relationships are almost to textbook as well, with the first year or two being a honeymoon phase of absolute bliss, and then things change. The person you thought you knew and grew to trust over "X" amount of years is different, literally. You find yourself not as an equal, treated poorly, stepped on and taken advantage of. You stick it out for "X" amount of years telling yourself things will change. While you work on yourself, cry and pray every night, you're not willing to throw in the towel just yet. But then that day comes where you know that you just gotta GET OUT.

Now, I'm not saying that the OP is in this situation. I'm just saying that there are situations and circumstances where one might fall in love with someone and trust them will all their heart and soul but that person (being the predator and abuser they are) had such an outstanding facade that the "bad" was never seen until you were shackled and secured in their controlling and abusive world.

Sorry if that came off heavy in reading but I just wanted to leave a thought on that particular comment. In any other relationship that has the typical road bumps of ups and downs, yes, it's important to reflect on WHAT made you fall in love and trust this person from the beginning, and reconsider those reasons. And counseling only works with the willing. If a spouse is not interested in going, go by yourself and develop a support system. I know that in some relationships, counseling isn't even an option when the abuser has total control of where you go and what you do.

I know this is my second post in this thread. I just gotta say that i agree with BINI.

One thing that bini did was hit it right on the head!

Another thing that i wanted to point out is that most abusive freaks DO NOT want to see a therapist because the therapist can see right through that person. A therapist can usually see the writing on the wall and characterics (spelling?) about that person right away knowing that they are abusive. The last thing that any abuser wants is to be near a therapist.

I was in an abusive relationship with a guy once. I went to therapy for some other issue that was going on in my life. The therapist watched him and I interact in the lobby area and she knew immediately that he was an abusive freak. He didn't like her one bit after meeting her. She begged me to leave him but I didnt see it right then!

[Guest Alana]

I've always been a pretty happy person. I am able to handle touch situations with aplomb. A few years into marriage, I started having a really hard time with my husband. I wasn't happy with my self or life, and I couldn't fix it for once, even though I was taking the time to assess the situation and be honest about it.

I wanted to go to marriage counseling. He didn't want to go, so I went for myself. It was so completely helpful, for me personally and for our marriage. Even though I was a well rounded, fair minded person, there were a few ways that I thought about things that were simply not quite right. He started coming to counseling once he say how I was changing. We learned a few basic tools to help us communicate that have made everything better. I was the one who would get heated and 'passionate' during fight/talks and he would just shut down and out. The things that I really didn't like about him before really haven't changed, but the way I respect his agency have, and thus they have become null issues for the most part. It wasn't a simple 'do this and this' process, I really had to come to understand somethings, and the healing power of the atonement was necessary to complete the process.

Go to counseling and see if you can get help about yourself for yourself. It may help you view your husband and your options with how you interact with him in more clarity.

[The_Phoenix]

I don't understand how one can go from love - the kind of love that causes one person to decide they want to make a life-long decision of getting married - then hate the same person that much all in a matter of 4 years...

Abuse can do that. She spoke of unrighteous dominion. If he is verbally abusive, it is hard to love someone who is being abusive, and injuring you over and over. I am old enough to know that there ar two sides to every story however. This is a tough call.

[Guest]

I'm thinking and thinking about this...

And I really don't want to sound insensitive to people like Bini who has been through hell and back with her abusive ex-husband.

But, I'm thinking about how I met my husband and I just don't see how he could have blind-sided me if he was an abusive person. I didn't date. I met my husband and we were good friends for almost 2 years. We went out on an official "date" a few weeks before we got married. By then, I knew that guy in and out - good and bad.

So, I'm thinking about this and I wonder - if my husband was an abusive person, would he have been able to hide it from me in those 2 years? I don't think he can.

But, to tell you the truth, I've never really met a terribly abusive person... or... have I? If I really think about it - I'm abusive. I have a temper problem and it can be very very bad. I don't like myself when I get these episodes. But, as of today, I still haven't found the solution to that problem. I am a very lucky person to have a husband who can withstand that storm, rise above it, and help me be better.

Just throwing a different perspective into the conversation...

[sweetiepie]

My sister has been sealed to her husband for 13 years, and he was never verbally abusive until the last few. Towards her and the kids. It has taken her therapist telling her that if they didn't separate immediately she was legally bound to call Social Services. Meaning he had to be out of the home away from the children.

Even if this man isn't cussing or the obvious verbal abuse signs, he is hostile, overly angry, and yells. That is enough for me.

He is taking anger management and his own counseling and can see the kids with supervision. They are slowly working on things, though I don't hold much hope that he can change. Major anger problems and selfishness.

My point is, this will continue until he has a reason to change. She has to give him that reason. Don't stand for it as long as my sister did and he got worse and has damaged their children. So, if it is in front of your children, and affecting your self worth, it is abusive, and don't let it continue. He will have to leave for a while until he can admit there is a problem and be willing to work with you on it.

[Lost_one]

I have to agree with prettyrose and Bini. I think you have a man who only cared about owning you. All the lovely stuff in the beginning was about getting to that final goal. Unfortunately these type of guys will go for single mothers, especially religious ones, as they are more likely to desire love and to be more respectful of marriage.

All us men can turn on the charm when we want someone, But usually we strip it away within a couple weeks and show our true selves. Abusers can keep up the deception for years. Most victims end up blaming themselves. They remember how wonderful he was in the beginning and wonder what THEY did to make him change. They don't understand that the man in the beginning never really existed and that the monster they now see before them is the real man.

I suffered this in reverse. My second wife turned out to be this way, yet until we were married, she was the perfect little Molly Mormon. It was only after we got married that she changed. Once we got sealed in the Temple a year later, she got even more agressive and jealous. I began to hate her too and kept wondering what I had done to make her change and tried to work out how to fix it.

[Jennarator]

I also agree with Bini and Prettyrose, and Lost_one.

Besides deciet, men can change. SOmetimes an addiction or other issuse can cause a sever change in a person. My ex was a different person when he became addicted to drugs. Even when he got off them, his drugs, his demeaner was forever changed, like a "dry drunk" his body craved drugs and he was mean and abusive as if her were still using.

Good luck, it's a hard thing to go thru. Get some help.

[findingmyway]

I dont want to focus much on your husband since theres been lots of words about him. I want to focus on you. I dont know you that well, or what your situation is exactly or if you did something to contribute to this sadness, or if youre a victim of abuse..... but if you focus on you, then you wouldnt have to feel guilty or be angry, but walk with a clear conscious. You already know you cant force him to do anything he doesnt want to, so theres no point.

You've done self improvement , and maybe this is what you did. If you do you, whether it be counseling on your own, or watching a help-video, or if you strengthen that Father-Daughter relationship with Heavenly Father, and if you are being the best person, prayerful, forgiving, positive, patient, and you're happy...... then you can say, I've tried my hardest, and it didn't work out. Easier said then done, I know. But marriage is for better or worse, and its worse right now. If your home is a battleground and its just depressing to be there, man.... who wants to be home, even the kids feel it. I suggest you continue to stay pro active and not fall in to the misery. Change the atmosphere in the home, some good music, some family activities even if its just you and kids, church activities, whatever it is, so your children can see you happy. Hopefully as you become happier, youre husband will either see your example and want to be happy again, or he will try to shoot you down to be miserable like he is, at which point, in my opinion, its beyond worst.... and you dont need that. And you are right. Why would you want to spent eternity with someone you dont want to be with on earth ? You both deserve to be happy, even if its apart.

p.s Also, try writing letters. Talking face to face can lead to arguments, but maybe in a letter, you can get both your words in with noone interrupting and cutting each others throat.

[Roxie3]

I am married to a man kind of like this. I can tell you that dealing with a man who has anger issues is eternally exausting. My husband is not physically abusive but he yells and flies off the handle a lot.

Anger managment helped him for some time but unless he is willing to address the issue and stick with how to deal with his anger it will not help.

I understand the feelings of guilt. I think my marriage is coming to an end soon and although with my beliefs I want things to work, all I can think of at times is how peacefull my home will be without him there, and how less stressed I will be in some ways. I feel bad about feeling that way, but it is kind of telling that I would feel some relief if he left.

Ultimatly no one can tell you how to deal with this but as someone who has experience I will tell you that this is a never ending battle. Forgive yourself for the guilt and do what you feel is right. Pray about it and ask for priesthood blessings to help you.

[sbg320]

Thank you all for the support! It's overwhelming to have so much support from people who don't even know me. After I posted this I felt even more horrible b/c it's more real in writing on the internet. But, I'm really glad I did. Some of you suggested I get counseling and I did just that. I called LDS Family services and they got me in touch with someone who I think will really be able to help me. I already feel a lot better after only one visit. I'll keep ya'll posted on my progress.

[blushot]

...I called LDS Family services...

This is great... watch the movie I mentioned, even if on your own, the message is wonderful and you'll learn a lot, how we should be as an individual :-)

[MormonMama]

Your husband deceived you. He pretended to be someone that he wasn't so that you would marry him. Honey one thing about men is that they know they have to be SOOOO nice and daddy like to the step children in order to win further points with you.

I don't think you know anywhere near enough about their situation to make a statement like that. Honestly, from your post it sounds like you have some serious issues with men yourself and you're projecting them onto this couple without knowing much of anything about them.

SBG, I agree with others who say go to counseling, alone if your husband won't go. A trained professional can help you work through this and help you determine if you should stay in the marriage or not.

[Suzie]

So, I'm thinking about this and I wonder - if my husband was an abusive person, would he have been able to hide it from me in those 2 years? I don't think he can.

Abusers/possible abusers always give "signs", some obvious ones and others not so much however not everyone seem to pick up on these clues quickly enough.

[MormonMama]

Abusers/possible abusers always give "signs", some obvious ones and others not so much however not everyone seem to pick up on these clues quickly enough.

My cousin dated and eventually married a guy for years who turned out to be abusive. Eventually he killed her. We didn't see the signs until after her death, when we began to look back and realize that they were there all along. I don't know if my cousin saw them or not, or if she just didn't want to believe it.