Should I approach a Senior Manager over this?

[Guest mormonmusic]

I have a situation that has been bothering me for some time. I came to this company I work for several years ago as part of an international recruiting effort. Apparenlty, I had hard-to-find skills. When I came to this company (which is a private university), I won several awards for outstanding performance in my first three years. Since then, I've been very strong in my performance reviews and have generally been well-liked by my supervisors immediately above me and one level above that person. Until about 2 years ago, I also received strong kudos from the President, who often consulted me on certain issues.

2 years ago, however, his demeanor changed. I made a mistake in a presentation (the computer would NOT connect to he Internet in front of a group of international presidents of other colleges) and he told me he thought I was VERY unprofessional and lost his temper to me at the front of the room, but out of earshot of the crowd. He later apologized, and then gave me kudos in front of a very senior manager for the job I did a day later.

Then six months later I was sitting in a meeting and looking down at my feet as a presentation on something I had mastered years ago was running. Standing next to me, he kicks my foot. I looked up at him, thinking it was a friendly likeable tap. But no -- he's staring stony-faced and sternly at the front of the room. I had the distinct feeling I'd just been reprimanded in a non-verbal way.

I don't know what I did to garner such disrespect (in my view, angry fathers lacking self-control kick their dogs and cats,and gentlemen don't kick faculty members). Later I thought I might have looked bored, and he was correcting that -- but other than that, I don't know what I did.

Then a couple months later, a group of us were talking and someone came out with a REALLY negative comment and then left. Sensing the group was shocked at the negativity, I said "And that's looking on the bright side!!!!" -- everyone laughed, so I followed up with "I guess the glass is half-full" to get another laugh. He says angrily "The glass is NOT half-full" and then slams his door shut. I was embarassed as there were a number of people there, including my immediate boss.

I have found in general, it's best to avoid him as he makes harsh comments like this and seems angry or standoffish. I honestly don't know what I've done.

I'm considering approach him and asking him if there are issues we need to talk about it. He was very approachable years ago, and even acted as an advocate for me, but now, he seems aloof, harsh, and I sometimes wonder if he's even trying to make me quit (I don't know this, but he is no longer the quintessential gentleman I once thought he was).

Would you approach him to clear the air? Or do you think I should just let it go, stay out of his way, and support the heck out of any initiatives he puts forward? Do these seem like small interpersonal ruffles, or symptoms of an underlying problem?

One thing, he just had to lay off a number of people, and I hear he doesn't like that to do that, so perhaps that was the source of his half-full outburst. However, his behavior has been harsh for about 2 years prior on and off. So, I'm wondering what to do.

It's eating me up inside that I think I might have done something to lose his respect, as he certainly does not act respectuflly any longer. And his view of my worth is important during this time of looming future layoffs in my industry due to unfriendly government funding policies on the horizon.

Do you think I should approach him to figure out what is going on? As I said, he often welcomed me into his office; I feel no such affirmation any longer and I wonder what's going on.

Edited March 31, 2011 by mormonmusic

[MorningStar]

If you did do something to tick him off, are you ready to hear the answer? Another possibility is that there is something major going on in his family and he's taking it out on others. It's hard to know, but he definitely shouldn't be kicking you.

[Guest mormonmusic]

If you did do something to tick him off, are you ready to hear the answer?

That's the thing that's been on my mind. Obviously what I did (if anything) wasn't intentional. And honestly, at my age, and with my personal philosophy firmly in place, I don't need someone coming in and ripping my personal style, or unintentional faux pas to shreds -- particularly if the feedback isn't given in an atmosphere of respect. It may well just disturb my inner peace. And I see his response to possibly be unsettling and harshly given due to his behavior so far.

Good questions Morningstar. It may be something in his personal life, and not me, but I have no way of telling the difference. The kicking is what started this for me back in October; at times I feel I should've called him on it -- perhaps he'd be more sensitive now.

[pam]

Could it be possible as the President of this university he is terribly stressed about finances and such for the University. I mean, it has been rough economically for everyone. Or perhaps he has some medical issues that have come up in the last couple of years.

You just never know what is happening on the other side.

[Wingnut]

Or perhaps he has some medical issues that have come up in the last couple of years.

This is what occurs to me. MM, has the president's attitude or behavior changed toward anyone else that you've noticed, starting around the same time? Or is it just all directed at you? If things have changed generally, it could be a sign of personal stress due to a medical condition, or it could be an altered mental state, unfortunately. If it seems to be directed just at you, though, I don't know what to tell you.

[JudoMinja]

Since his negative attitude seems to be a sudden change there is definitely something causing it. Whether he's upset with you over something, stressed out in general, or having an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with work, there is definitely something wrong. I would think that your previous good repoire with him would leave him more open to talking with you about it, though there is no way of judging exactly how he will react to you asking.

You could just tell him that you've noticed he's become very negative of late and if he needs someone to talk to you are willing to listen. If you are fairly certain his negativity is directed only at you, you could tell him that if you have done anything to cause offense, you are sorry, but you are really clueless as to what is bothering him and would like to have the air cleared if he is willing to tell you. If he does perceive some wrong-doing on your part, he probably doesn't know how confused you are feeling, and approaching him like that might help him realize that his own behavior is somewhat irrational.

[NeuroTypical]

Are you a fan of corporate training and communication skills and whatnot? There is plenty of training available on how to approach and resolve important subjects with high emotional content. If you answered yes, I can recommend getting the book Crucial Conversations, or it's companion Crucial Confrontations.

[rameumptom]

Yes, set up a time to speak with him. Share with him your concerns that perhaps you are not living up to his expectations. If you say it in that manner, it opens the door for him to 1. share with you his concerns, or 2. explain that it is just him, and not really your problem. Either way, it should help clear the air, and he will appreciate it.

If he states that he is just stressed from finances, etc., ask him if there is any way you can help. Even if there isn't, he'll appreciate you thinking about him and his needs.

[pam]

Since his negative attitude seems to be a sudden change there is definitely something causing it. Whether he's upset with you over something, stressed out in general, or having an issue that has absolutely nothing to do with work, there is definitely something wrong. I would think that your previous good repoire with him would leave him more open to talking with you about it, though there is no way of judging exactly how he will react to you asking.

You could just tell him that you've noticed he's become very negative of late and if he needs someone to talk to you are willing to listen. If you are fairly certain his negativity is directed only at you, you could tell him that if you have done anything to cause offense, you are sorry, but you are really clueless as to what is bothering him and would like to have the air cleared if he is willing to tell you. If he does perceive some wrong-doing on your part, he probably doesn't know how confused you are feeling, and approaching him like that might help him realize that his own behavior is somewhat irrational.

I wouldn't bring up that he's been negative lately. That immediately puts him on the defensive. If anything I might mention that I've noticed he hasn't been quite himself lately and offer a listening ear or open invitation to help if needed.

[john doe]

I suggest that you get right in his face. Tell him you don't like his attitude towards you and that if he doesn't change, you will do something drastic, like supergluing the locks to his office. Back in the day we used to use pennies to effectively wedge a door shut. Let him know that you can make his life difficult if he doesn't change his ways, but don't be so obvious that you could go to jail for it.

[beefche]

I second LM's promotion of Crucial Conversations. I read the book and went through the course and the approach to difficult conversations is very good and useful. Honestly, it's a good book to have and use even in personal lives. I highly recommend getting the book (even if from your local library) and reading it before you approach him.

[rameumptom]

I just placed a hold on the book at my local library. Thanks!

[rameumptom]

I suggest that you get right in his face. Tell him you don't like his attitude towards you and that if he doesn't change, you will do something drastic, like supergluing the locks to his office. Back in the day we used to use pennies to effectively wedge a door shut. Let him know that you can make his life difficult if he doesn't change his ways, but don't be so obvious that you could go to jail for it.

Why? Did you end up going to jail over it? And should he go so far that he only gets fired instead? How does that work for you JD?

[Guest mormonmusic]

I think John Doe had to be kidding with his statement there. The risk is that the President won't appreciate the conversation, just as he wouldn't appreciate the supergluing of locks. I think that might be JD's point, reading between the lines.

I'm going to try to get a copy of Crucial Conversations and look it over. I also bounced my problem off a very succesful manager and personal friend this morning, and he definitely felt a conversation is in order, but from the standpoiny of "trying to meet expectations better". Not, the "I think you screwed up in being so negative and harsh".

More thoughts welcome if anyone has them. I appreciate the perspectives.

[john doe]

Why? Did you end up going to jail over it?

Not yet, but the wheels of justice roll slowly on cases like this. Besides, if a guy driving under the influence can jump a curb and hit a dance instructor messing her up to the point that she will probably never dance again, the day after he appeared in court for DUI can walk away with probation, I'm figuring you have to do something pretty bad to actually go to jail in Utah.

Sorry for the run-on sentence, but I didn't want to stop. And yes, MM, I'm messing with you. I say don't take things so personal. Unless he is specifically singling you out and no one else, I wouldn't worry too much about it. Do your job the best you can, treat him with the respect a man in his position deserves, and work on maintaining a sense of humor about things. If you don't enjoy your job or your work environment, then maybe it's time for a change.

[MorningStar]

Definitely put his stapler in Jell-O. People love that.

[john doe]

Definitely put his stapler in Jell-O. People love that.

Except Dwight. The magic beans were hilarious too.

[MorningStar]

Putting his belongings in the vending machine was my favorite. That and his faxes from Future Dwight.

[john doe]

See, MM? Three great ideas on how to deal with this right there.

[MorningStar]

You could also tell him you have diseases like Count Chocolitis, hot dog fingers, and hyrdodentalplosion.

[john doe]

You could also tell him you have diseases like Count Chocolitis, hot dog fingers, and hyrdodentalplosion.

I love that show. I hope it continues to be funny after Steve Carell leaves.

[g8trjasonb]

I would candidly ask him if there are any issues he has with your performance which need to be addressed. If you keep the focus on you, then it allows him to let his guard down and not have a reason to get defensive. If he asks why you're asking, just tell him that there have been some things he has said and done which makes you believe there is something you should be doing which you aren't aware of and you would like to know if he expects you to change in some fashion. He'll then ask what those things are and you can ease your way into the conversation.

Edited March 31, 2011 by g8trjasonb

[MorningStar]

Aren't you supposed to have an evaluation once in a while? Maybe yearly? That would be the perfect time to talk about it. If he doesn't have any negative to say, I would just assume he's having some personal issues.

[MorningStar]

I love that show. I hope it continues to be funny after Steve Carell leaves.

Me too. I haven't been able to watch it for a while, but I heard what's his name has been on more. Michael's vulgar friend. I can't stand that guy.

[Guest mormonmusic]

Aren't you supposed to have an evaluation once in a while? Maybe yearly? That would be the perfect time to talk about it. If he doesn't have any negative to say, I would just assume he's having some personal issues.

He has nothing to do with my performance review -- it's handled by someone two levels below him. I had a good one last time, and they even promoted me outside of normal promotion guidelines given some special circumstance. I asked for this promotion, and after 4 months of hearing nothing, they did it with the president's approval. And then two months later, the foot-kicking happened, and its been pretty harsh since then.

I think John Doe's comment not to take it so personally may have merit, however the foot-kicking was startling to me. Not sure what to do -- I think I should read the book on conversations, however.