Primary Class Advice

[Idora]

I'm seeking some advice on how to handle something like this in my primary class.

My husband and I are currently teaching the Valiant 10 class in primary. We both have experience in primary, but have never really dealt with a situation like this.

There's a boy in the class (about 10 years old) who's smart but has serious anger outbursts. The first time we noticed this behavior was our first time teaching the class about a month ago. He and a friend of his were constantly chatting and whispering over the lesson, so my husband simply asked them to be a little more reverent because it was disrespectful. He was polite about it. However, the boy angrily kicked the trash can across the room and cried silently during the rest of class time.

A couple of weeks ago, we had been playing a game in class. It was just trivia game and all was well until his team didn't get the full answer correctly. Angrily, the boy turned around and swung a punch, hitting the boy next to him (who had been sitting quietly) in the ribs, causing him to scream in pain and cry for the next half hour. Obviously we grabbed parents at this point.

The victim's mother said it was common and told us not to grab her next time (the boys are friends). The angry boy's father repeatedly apologized and said he and his wife have been attempting to seek help for his outbursts for years now.

I wasn't angry at the boy, nor his parents. I understand they have been trying to help him and it must be frustrating. They had to pull him from public school because of issues, and my husband and I guess it's revolved around the outbursts he has.

Anyway, to the point. It's difficult to have interaction, play games, or seemingly any fun in the class because it may trigger another outburst and risk the injury of another child in the class. I'd feel horrible for having him removed from primary. His previous primary teachers didn't have a dose of his anger like we have and my husband believes it has to do with dominance...my husband being the main lesson teacher and dominance holder in the classroom and that's why we've been the primary teachers to witness such outbursts. He may be right.

Any advice?

[applepansy]

I'm shocked at the "victim's" mother. Good Grief!!!

I think its time to have one of his parents in the class room. You cannot supervise adequately enough to insure this doesn't happen again. You can separate him by making sure both you and your husband are there every week, and one of you sits between him and the other children. An adult needs to sit by this child all the time an actively help him monitor his emotions. If your class is large (over 5) you might need another person.

You can make sure the primary presidency and the bishopric are aware of the issues, but they probably already know. It wouldn't hurt to talk to the Bishop. He has stewardship over all parties involved and might have some suggestions for solutions.

In our ward we have had an autistic boy, another boy with emotional/development issues who had a hard time expressing himself appropriately (sometimes anger or other outburts) and now we have another child who was born with a brain abnormality and is having behavioral issues. In all three cases our bishoprics over the years have called a person to "be with the child" during primary. This has allowed the parents to do their callings and attend their classes and at the same time it has allowed the child to experience the world and realize that nobody will put up with bad behavior.

Providing the mentor (loving adult barrier) has had remarkable results for the one boy who is now in the Young Men's program. He's even passing the sacrament now. I'm hoping we get the same result with the one coming up. The autistic boy's family moved away but we hear back and he's doing well.

[Wingnut]

How extensively have you talked with the angry boys' parents? Does the boy seem to lash out only (or mostly) toward the one other boy? Would it help if those two boys were in different classes?

[Suzie]

I think we are talking about serious anger management issues, possibly psychological issues. However, regardless of the problem I think one of the parents should be sitting with him in primary. No doubt in my mind about it.

[classylady]

This is a tough situation! There is no easy answer.

My grandson just turned eight. Last summer he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. Years prior, and even now, he has had some behavioral problems, (though he never hurt anyone), just acting up in class. At the time we didn't know what the problem was. The Bishop actually gave a calling to a sister in the ward to be with him in Primary. That was her assignment. She wasn't the Primary teacher, but she would sit with him in class and sharing time. She was very loving, and sometimes during Sacrament meeting she would ask my grandson if he would like to sit with her and her family. She would invite my grandson over to her house during the week and sometimes after church. She was wonderful with him, and somehow had a wonderful calming influence with him. I'm so grateful to her and her influence. We had no idea at the time what my grandson's problem was. Now that we know, we know how to deal with his issues.

My husband and I once team-taught a primary class (I think 9 or 10 year olds) where we had a young girl with some problems. She would often act up in class and she once actually grabbed my husband by his tie, and yanking strongly, shouted "I'm going to kill you!" She was not joking around. She was upset about the lesson, because part of the lesson had requested the teachers during the week to call a parent of each of the children, and have the parents give us something positive to say about the child. She didn't want the rest of the class to know what her mother had said. We didn't get angry with her. Just firmly told her that was inappropriate behavior. I don't know if what we did next was the best, but for the next few months I had her be my special helper, and showed an outpouring of love for her. That seemed to help, because we didn't have any more out-of-control outbursts from her, and her back-talk wasn't as bad. In her situation, she came from a broken-home and her mother didn't have the best parenting skills. If a child actually has something physically wrong, sometimes the best parenting in the world won't be able to completely overcome a child's problem behavior. Hopefully, over time, a child will learn coping behaviors to help overcome their problems.

[slamjet]

I have a daughter with Asperger's. Their fix? Make my ex-wife the primary teacher. She was there when she moved to the next class, but she wasn't ready to go. So she stayed in mamma's class until she felt ready and she moved on. Mamma is now the Primary Secretary but that was actually an act of compassion to my daughter, and whatever teacher would have to deal with her.

[mightynancy]

I agree with Apple. Perhaps the ward could call someone to be with the young man (someone cool, like a recently-returned missionary, or other college-aged fellow). Or, depending on how large your class is, one of you could sit between this boy and the other kids. He is bound to notice what you're doing - so I'd be honest with him about it. "First of all, I love you and want to sit with you. You and I know that sometimes you can't help it and hit Jason. I love Jason, too, and would rather you hit me than him. You can still see him and talk to him, I'll just be in the way if things get out of hand."

I don't know how the school handled it before he left, but we have students who are allowed to request to leave the room to de-escalate. He's at an age where he can become self-aware, and when he feels like he's going to lose it, he should have someplace safe to excuse himself to (with supervision as appropriate). If he's in therapy, his parents could ask the counselor to make a church plan with the child.

[Jennarator]

Sounds like what I am going thru ith my son. It is very difficult I spend a lot of time at church just waiting for them to come get me. I noticed that it helps if you calmly ask him how he should be acting at church, let him answer then encourage him to follow thru. Do this privatly before each class. I know this is asking you to do a lot, but if the mom won't help, you need to do the best you can! Good luck!

[Gatekeeper]

I'm seeking some advice on how to handle something like this in my primary class.

My husband and I are currently teaching the Valiant 10 class in primary. We both have experience in primary, but have never really dealt with a situation like this.

There's a boy in the class (about 10 years old) who's smart but has serious anger outbursts. The first time we noticed this behavior was our first time teaching the class about a month ago. He and a friend of his were constantly chatting and whispering over the lesson, so my husband simply asked them to be a little more reverent because it was disrespectful. He was polite about it. However, the boy angrily kicked the trash can across the room and cried silently during the rest of class time.

A couple of weeks ago, we had been playing a game in class. It was just trivia game and all was well until his team didn't get the full answer correctly. Angrily, the boy turned around and swung a punch, hitting the boy next to him (who had been sitting quietly) in the ribs, causing him to scream in pain and cry for the next half hour. Obviously we grabbed parents at this point.

The victim's mother said it was common and told us not to grab her next time (the boys are friends). The angry boy's father repeatedly apologized and said he and his wife have been attempting to seek help for his outbursts for years now.

I wasn't angry at the boy, nor his parents. I understand they have been trying to help him and it must be frustrating. They had to pull him from public school because of issues, and my husband and I guess it's revolved around the outbursts he has.

Anyway, to the point. It's difficult to have interaction, play games, or seemingly any fun in the class because it may trigger another outburst and risk the injury of another child in the class. I'd feel horrible for having him removed from primary. His previous primary teachers didn't have a dose of his anger like we have and my husband believes it has to do with dominance...my husband being the main lesson teacher and dominance holder in the classroom and that's why we've been the primary teachers to witness such outbursts. He may be right.

Any advice?

Hi. There is perceptibly more to this child’s irradiating behavior than what is seen and heard by you in the classroom. Because of the concealed nature of the boy’s anger, the basis for a sensible decision about this matter can not be made exclusively by a Primary worker—even though this child’s outburst is happening in your classroom. You should immediately turn the matter over to the ward’s bishop and his counselors (they know all there is to know about such matters, and they will accurately advise you and your husband concerning a practical solution to the child’s classroom conduct); then allow them to speak directly with the parents on this matter as well.

[Idora]

Thank you so much everyone. I'm not on here often, but I was able to read through all the comments and try a few things out. My husband pulled him aside Sunday before class and had a chat with him. We noticed he was much more in control of his temper and very polite throughout class because of it. We also plan to speak to the bishop about it as well. We'll keep working at it and definitely use advice given here. Thanks again.

[MarginOfError]

I'd also look at the possibility of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I worked with a boy in scouts for a couple years with ODD, and the common theme in his life was anti-establishmentism. He hated being told what to do, and when he got angry, he was quick to threaten violence (although in his case, he never physically harmed another person--although he did punch out a couple windows at school).

The thing that worked best for him was a) we didn't kick him out (he'd been kicked out of more clubs and classes than you could imagine), b) we sat him down and wrote out behavior plans that involved his input and agreement, and c) when we had behavioral problems, we had one-on-one discussions with him that focused on helping him see how others were interpreting the situation and his behavior.

It certainly sounds to me like he has some kind of emotional disorder. I would try to confirm that if possible. If he does, you have to make sure you don't confront him once his emotions are already going. If he's already angry and that cycle is begun, there's no hope of a productive confrontation. All you can do is isolate him from the group until he calms down.

Also, keep in mind that you're not going to solve this problem during your tenure in this calling. We certainly hadn't solved our scout's problem in the two years we had him, but we made a lot of progress. And we have to admit that we were building on the work that a lot of other people had done before we got him. So dealing with this boy's issues is going to be a process of several years throughout his adolescence. But do everything you can to lay the foundation toward building the tools that he can use to cope as he matures.