Any lawyers out there?

[WilliamK]

The short version of the story is that my wife is cheating on me as I write this. She doesnt yet know that I know. She is in a hotel with her work partner and her car is parked out front. I took a few pictures but I dont have the stomach for anything else. (like breaking the door down and confronting them) lol. Anyway, am I still going to be on the hook for alimony etc. and have to share custody of the kids? This is so surreal that I am not really feeling anything right now except shock.

[FunkyTown]

The first thing you'll want to do before confronting her is:

1) What do you want to do? Do you want to forgive her and work through or divorce her?

2) If it's 'Divorce', you have to consider what you want to split with her. I'm not saying you should do this, but if the cause is infidelity, I have heard of others who made recorded proof, then carefully got rid of things he didn't want her to have by selling them to people who would return them, then serving papers.

Don't rush in there. Think before you do. Do not let fear control you - I'm sorry you're going through this.

[WilliamK]

Thanks for the response. Yeah I don't think I get to have what I want in this situation. She wants out and I don't think she is going to change her mind. EVERYTHING is in my name. House, cars, etc. She has abused drugs (not anymore), committed adultery, and neglected her responsibilities to raise her children "up to the Lord" which sounds corny but what I mean is that if she were to have the children that they would not be taken to church most of the time. I guess what I wish is that she would just leave. No fight no mess no bother - just go away. That won't bring me happiness - just some measure of sanity. She is going to come home at noon today with some bs story about how she helped her friend with her sick kids and I have to just sit there and pretend all is okay. I get the feeling that letting her know I know will just start the inevitable battle that I really don't feel ready to have.

Anyone know if Utah still awards custody to the mother if infidelity is involved? I know that in most states Adultery is not even considered in the divorce process. No one really cares about that anymore. Its the same as two friends having a milkshake together in today's world.

I don't want to be a jerk. I know she is entitled to some money/property/etc. What I don't want though is to have some guy with a robe and a gavel deciding what "equitable" means. I would rather have all the chips and decide personally what I think is equitable. In this case I think if I give her half the house equity, half the assets - one of the cars, etc. That I should not have to pay her alimony. I would also like to have custody of the kids but I know how Utah judges are about awarding custody to the mothers.

I can't believe I'm just sitting here calmly writing all this. I must be in shock or something. I don't feel anything at all. Except a little humiliation and embarrassment. No anger though. Its weird.

[pam]

I can recommend a Utah divorce attorney.

My other suggestion. Don't post on a social network what YOU want out of the marriage or how you want to proceed. So many things done on social networks are now being used against people. Just my thoughts.

[applepansy]

Be very very careful what you post online or in emails. It can all be used against you.

Have you googled her?

[Windseeker]

My heart goes out to you brother. I've been in your shoes and I know the weight you shoulder. I hope you focus 100% on your chitlins cause they will need it.

My advice is to get your ducks in a row which it sounds like your doing. I would also recommend getting a key logger installed on your computers. It's a little program you install that a certain key combination will bring up the interface and you can obtain passwords and chats as well as see the browsing history. Keep all this information to yourself until you're ready to pull the trigger. When you are I'd recommend that you try to arrange for your kids to stay with family while you go thru the process.

One thing that helped me was prayer, yoga and meditation. Remember you're alive and take one breath at a time. Just breath and you will get thru it.

[Just_A_Guy]

William, you need to contact a local lawyer now. But I do a little divorce law in Utah, and I would offer the following guesses:

Anyone know if Utah still awards custody to the mother if infidelity is involved?

The courts will probably look at the best interest of the child as being the determinative factor, not yours and your wife's relative fidelity to each other. Now, if she was cheating on you in front of the children, that can be a game-changer. But generally speaking, if Mom's been providing the bulk of the child care (which is usually the case in Utah, and especially if she's a stay-at-home mom), Dad's going to have a very hard time establishing custody for yourself.

I know that in most states Adultery is not even considered in the divorce process. No one really cares about that anymore. Its the same as two friends having a milkshake together in today's world.

It may have bearing on how much alimony the cheating spouse gets. But unless one is extraordinarily wealthy, it often isn't worth the legal fees and the emotional toll of a prolonged legal battle.

I don't want to be a jerk. I know she is entitled to some money/property/etc. What I don't want though is to have some guy with a robe and a gavel deciding what "equitable" means. I would rather have all the chips and decide personally what I think is equitable. In this case I think if I give her half the house equity, half the assets - one of the cars, etc. That I should not have to pay her alimony. I would also like to have custody of the kids but I know how Utah judges are about awarding custody to the mothers.

Theoretically half of the marital property belongs to each spouse, regardless of his or her "bad conduct" and regardless of how any real property or vehicles are titled. Now, ninety percent of civil cases--including divorces--settle without a trial. Certainly, as the parties negotiate a settlement, a very generous property division might be acceptable in exchange for reduced alimony. You need to talk to a lawyer to discuss options.

I would also suggest that you not use one of these so-called "fathers' rights" attorneys. The reason these guys cater to fathers, is because the fathers are usually the ones who can afford big lawyer's fees. You won't necessarily get a better result with them than you would with a regular family law attorney; but you will probably end up with a much lighter bank account.

Edited August 16, 2011 by Just_A_Guy

[garryw]

Not a lawyer, but been there myself. All 50 state are no-fault. Maybe you are in Utah, in that case alimony can be influenced but infidelity will not in itself preclude alimony. In my state infidelity means absolutely nothing and has zero bearing on alimony or anything. In my state I gave some photos of my ex with her boyfriend to my lawyer and she explained they cannot be used the the courtroom. They mean nothing.

Good news life is 10x better without my so called eternal companion. :)

[JudoMinja]

I don't have time to write a longer post, but a quick thought that comes to mind-

Isn't your wife the one working right now? So... if any alimony is going to be paid, she would be paying you alimony.. right?

[MorningStar]

I don't think your wife's activity in the church will affect the judge's decision either. If you end up with weekend custody, you can at least take the kids to church with you and maybe have FHE on Sundays with them. If you guys could live in the same school district, that would allow your kids to see you both more often. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I don't think I would bother pretending I don't know. I can't keep that sort of thing inside without feeling like I'm going to explode. I think I would ask someone to watch the kids tonight so you two can talk about this without them witnessing the conversation. Knowing me, I would say something like, "I'm having a hard time understanding how meeting someone in a hotel room was somehow helping your friend with her sick kids." Really disgusting that she used some saintly activity as her cover.

[Spartan117]

Don't be by yourself right now. I don't know about legal proceedings or any of that, but I've been in a situation like yours but we weren't married so no where near as bad I imagine. This was looong before I joined the church, I was living with this girl and I walked in on them. I know you have kids and alimony and all that to worry about in addition to the betrayal and that sucks. Just find someone who you can talk with and visit with right now.

[Gwen]

If you were married in the temple and now your wife is inactive you may be able to use that as grounds to have all say in religious decisions for the children no matter where they live.

We had to do this with my husband's ex. We used the argument that the temple sealing implied an agreement/desire on her part to raise any children in the church. After she went inactive she had residential custody (so he was not in our branch) and she started messing with church decisions just to hurt my husband. We used her disinterest in the church to have phrasing put in the paperwork that said my husband had "all decision making authority over religious instruction and his church records were to be with the father no matter the child's primary residence". Yes the church has to abide by the law so even though his son lives with his mom an hour from us he is in our branch on church records and anything to do with the church requires permission from us. We found that very helpful in being able to subvert her games after that.

Be creative.

[JudoMinja]

Ok, now I can actually sit down and write something out for you. :)

First off, I am so sorry it has come to this. My first suggetion is to make absolutely certain that divorce is the option you want to pursue. I know from your previous posts that she has already mentioned wanting a divorce but has not pursued it herself. It may still be possible to work things out, IF that is what you want to do. If so, you will need to talk with her about what you've witnessed, make it clear you still want to try and salvage your marriage, and set some expectations for what you expect from her to make that possible. Personally, I think if it is at all possible to maintain your marriage you should make every effort to do so, but I also know from experience that sometimes divorce really is the best (and correct) option. Pray about it earnestly to come to a decision about what you want to do.

If you are set on divorce and certain this is the path you need to pursue, as others have said, you need to "get all your ducks in a row" before doing anything. Don't rush into it, but make sure YOU are the one who files. When you file, you choose the wording and stipulations in the paperwork (as long as you have a good lawyer that does what you ask). It also gives you more solid ground in court as they will see a cause and effect relationship- she committed adultery = I filed for divorce. If she is the one that files, it will be an uphill battle to change anything and you will have a harder time proving that her adulterous actions are what caused the desire for divorce.

I've seen both ends of the spectrum when considering the ease/difficulty of divorce proceedings. It will all depend on how much you can agree on out of court and how civilly you can come to that agreement. In my divorce, my ex never contested anything. I could have railroaded him, but my only concern was the safety of myself and my son and I didn't think it would be right or fair to do that to him. I left pretty much all my belongings behind in his hands and made no request to have them returned to me. I also had several debts that he had wracked up in my name. I could easily have argued they were his responsibility to pay, but I just paid them myself. I basically gave him everything and started a "new life" for myself from scratch. I tried to say I didn't even care about child support, but legally the non-custodial parent is supposed to pay something unless parental rights are completely terminated. He hasn't paid any of it though, and I haven't made any effort to collect it from him. I even stipulated that visitation could be allowed in the future if he gets a psychological evaluation, completes anger management and domestic violence classes, and starts off with supervised visits. If he does that and wants to see his son, I won't stop him from doing so. Pretty much, my divorce was easy. The hardest part about it was dealing with my lawyer, because I picked a really bad one. I don't live in Utah though, so no worries for you :).

My brother's divorce though, was really ugly. They couldn't agree on anything and couldn't treat each other civilly at all. Considering everything that happened in their relationship, I personally think it would have been in the best interest of their children if neither of them were given custody. My parents would have put in the be their custodial guardians (or I would have) so they wouldn't have ended up in foster care, and over the course of the next couple years that may very well be what ends up happening. It took about two years for them to come to some kind of agreement, and that was only after the judge made them go to mediation and my brother folded on everything except the kids. Their custody is split 50/50- one parent has them one week, the other the next week.

I've had some other people tell me about their divorces and they always seem to fall somewhere between these two extremes. I've found that having a good lawyer is only part of the battle- what will really determine whether or not your divorce is easy or difficult is if the two of you can treat each other with respect and consideration and come to a reasonable agreement. Stand up for yourself so you don't get walked all over if she and/or her lawyer don't want to be reasonable, but also be willing to let things go and make compromises.