Support Group For Wives Of Lds Sexual Addicts

[cutelilchikin]

Actually, Desire, anything you get used to doing in your life is a habbit. An addiction is something that controls you. I get the cutting part. But it's not an addiction if you do it simply because you're bored. People who are addicted to things think they CANNOT live without it. They actually have physical symptoms of withdrawal. I'm not saying that what you went through isn't bad. It's hard to break habbits. Everybody has THOSE!!! Even if they don't want to admit it. I'm 21 years old and I grew up with two parents and the majority of relatives who are addicted to alcohol and drugs. Addiction isn't impossible to overcome if you want to. But a lot of addicts don't seem to realize how much of their life it really controls. Sexual addicts don't become addicts because their wives/husbands aren't putting out. They start experimenting and they like it. One thing leads to another, and then another until it's full blown addiction and nothing the wife/husband does can help. Porn, just like hollywood, gives people a false sense of what a sexual relationship is supposed to be about. A lot of porns involve situations that most partners are NOT willing to try and the viewer gets frustrated because they've gotten a taste for it. I'll explain the process of addiction for drugs and try and put into into perspective with sexual addiction because the process is the same. Let's say you've got a person who decides they want to try perscription painkillers. They do and they find it enjoyable. So they keep taking it. One day though, the same dose they started taking in the beginning, isn't enough to give them their "high" so they take more. This is called drug-intolerance. Pretty soon, the person taking the drugs is taking the harder drugs, trying to acheive that original high. And when they can't get it, they take more and more. Pretty soon, they're taking so much, they have to go to dozens of doctors to get the perscriptions or they're on the street trying to buy it. In their progress to buy these drugs, they are doing illegal things that they never would have thought they would do before they started taking drugs. Now I'll put it in the sexual addiction one. Sexual addiction can start with looking at a Victoria's Secret catalog. It's like that first dose of painkillers. It gives you that little "high". When I say "high" I mean that little feeling the person gets. (not necessarily high like when you take drugs). If the person likes the catalog, they'll keep looking at it. Then one day, it's just not enough skin showing so they go pick up a Playboy magazine. (sorry if I'm generalizing by saying it only happens with men, because I know it doesn't. but there aren't a lot of popular brands of women's porn which I can just spout off the top of my head). Then one day, the one issue a month of Playboy isn't enough so they start looking for other places to find it. Now they're looking at sex videos on the internet and going into sex joints and strip clubs or wherever they can find that "high". And all the while they're doing this, their spouse is in the dark. They probably have a healthy sex life but for an addict, they want MORE. it's always the wanting of more that leads to addiction. The addict in their worst will probably start getting picked up by the police for doing illegal things. It's not like the addicts decided they were going to become addicted to something. I think it's something in their genetics or how they were raised and self-control has a lot to do with it. Just because you drink alcohol, doesn't make you an alcoholic. Just like, just because you look at pornography doesn't not make you a sex addict. It's the people that can't control their intake of whatever it is. I know first hand how hard it is to deal with people close to you being addicts. I wish everyone who ever has to deal with this the strength enough to do it. Addiction isn't just hard on the person who has the addiction, it's hard on every person they are close to.

[Princess3dward]

Actually, Desire, anything you get used to doing in your life is a habbit. An addiction is something that controls you. I get the cutting part. But it's not an addiction if you do it simply because you're bored. People who are addicted to things think they CANNOT live without it. They actually have physical symptoms of withdrawal. I'm not saying that what you went through isn't bad. It's hard to break habbits. Everybody has THOSE!!! Even if they don't want to admit it. I'm 21 years old and I grew up with two parents and the majority of relatives who are addicted to alcohol and drugs. Addiction isn't impossible to overcome if you want to. But a lot of addicts don't seem to realize how much of their life it really controls. Sexual addicts don't become addicts because their wives/husbands aren't putting out. They start experimenting and they like it. One thing leads to another, and then another until it's full blown addiction and nothing the wife/husband does can help. Porn, just like hollywood, gives people a false sense of what a sexual relationship is supposed to be about. A lot of porns involve situations that most partners are NOT willing to try and the viewer gets frustrated because they've gotten a taste for it. I'll explain the process of addiction for drugs and try and put into into perspective with sexual addiction because the process is the same. Let's say you've got a person who decides they want to try perscription painkillers. They do and they find it enjoyable. So they keep taking it. One day though, the same dose they started taking in the beginning, isn't enough to give them their "high" so they take more. This is called drug-intolerance. Pretty soon, the person taking the drugs is taking the harder drugs, trying to acheive that original high. And when they can't get it, they take more and more. Pretty soon, they're taking so much, they have to go to dozens of doctors to get the perscriptions or they're on the street trying to buy it. In their progress to buy these drugs, they are doing illegal things that they never would have thought they would do before they started taking drugs. Now I'll put it in the sexual addiction one. Sexual addiction can start with looking at a Victoria's Secret catalog. It's like that first dose of painkillers. It gives you that little "high". When I say "high" I mean that little feeling the person gets. (not necessarily high like when you take drugs). If the person likes the catalog, they'll keep looking at it. Then one day, it's just not enough skin showing so they go pick up a Playboy magazine. (sorry if I'm generalizing by saying it only happens with men, because I know it doesn't. but there aren't a lot of popular brands of women's porn which I can just spout off the top of my head). Then one day, the one issue a month of Playboy isn't enough so they start looking for other places to find it. Now they're looking at sex videos on the internet and going into sex joints and strip clubs or wherever they can find that "high". And all the while they're doing this, their spouse is in the dark. They probably have a healthy sex life but for an addict, they want MORE. it's always the wanting of more that leads to addiction. The addict in their worst will probably start getting picked up by the police for doing illegal things. It's not like the addicts decided they were going to become addicted to something. I think it's something in their genetics or how they were raised and self-control has a lot to do with it. Just because you drink alcohol, doesn't make you an alcoholic. Just like, just because you look at pornography doesn't not make you a sex addict. It's the people that can't control their intake of whatever it is. I know first hand how hard it is to deal with people close to you being addicts. I wish everyone who ever has to deal with this the strength enough to do it. Addiction isn't just hard on the person who has the addiction, it's hard on every person they are close to.

I think you are confused about my post...

When I say addicted... I mean addicted not habit.

[Fiannan]

You know, I was actually discussing some of the stuff I read in this thread with my wife as we were returning from the temple yesterday. She brought up a good point. She felt this should not even be something discussed in public as we all have different definitions of of what is good and bad sexually and we all have different ideas of what is and isn't pornography -- therefore we risk offending others when we are actually aiming for the same target (I assume none of the posters here are saying we should adopt the sexual attitudes of Bill Clinton or that we should all be viewing the Playboy channel for family home evening).

Maybe people need to be more open about their likes and dislikes before they get married. Is it a good idea for someone who has a strong sex drive to marry someone who feels it's a burden to engage in sexual activity? Isn't the time to discover such things before one gets sealed?

However, I will also note that repression can either lead to neurosis or to the very behavior we don't want to see. From what I understand the country with the strangest pre-occupation with strange sex is Japan -- yet it is also the country that censored the nude pictures of Britney Spears she did when she was pregnant (in my personal opinion Demi Moore and Britney Spears both have done a great service to pregnant women's self image and a positive view of childbirth by doing very tasteful nude while pregnant layouts for the mainstream media).

One can joke that with Freud you can explain everything as dealing with sex. The irony is that he really did get it right, but in his hatred for his Jewish heritage he was blinded to the deeper spiritual implications of his theories. Faith is the force that binds the universe together but sex is the energy that expands creation. The problem I have with pornography is not the nudity -- not even the sexuality -- but that it more often than not tries to entice us to direct those sexual energies that are so importnat to bind us to our spouce as well as give us energy to live and create away from God's purpose and towards a dead-end approach to life (hedonism and ammorality dry up our life force, not expand it). Sex is a healing force, a force that can keep us younger and healthier and it attracts us. Pornography is a substitute -- like trying to get nutrition from a can of diet cola (it might taste good and have some boost to it but it ultimately drains one of nutrition).

So in most cases I would not suggest freaking out if you catch your teen looking up porn, or your wife or husband. For the teen, one must (MUST) take the opportunity to teach about the proper role of sex and sexuality from God's perspective but NEVER condemn the teen for being a bad person for being curious. For the married adult porn is generally not a danger (if you happen to catch your spouce watching the midnight movie on some cable networks that show soft-core porn late at night) but if that spouce becomes pre-occupied with porn and even substitutes it for normal sex with their spouce then that's when it is dangerous beyond just a question of whether it is appropriate or not.

[pushka]

Fiannan:

'Maybe people need to be more open about their likes and dislikes before they get married. Is it a good idea for someone who has a strong sex drive to marry someone who feels it's a burden to engage in sexual activity? Isn't the time to discover such things before one gets sealed?'

Hi Fiannan, I think that this is a great idea, however I don't see how this could happen between 2 LDS people planning to get married, who are virgins? have had no experience of sex in any way previous to their wedding night?

[79scholar]

Hi Fiannan, I think that this is a great idea, however I don't see how this could happen between 2 LDS people planning to get married, who are virgins? have had no experience of sex in any way previous to their wedding night?

Communication. Yes there is a tendency for virgins to not sexually communicate, and this is dangerous in a marriage, but these are not mutually exclusive.

To me the biggest sexual turn-off is if I knew my partner knowingly disobeyed what she knew was right, had the most intimate sexual experience with another man, and that she would always remember such experience(s) in her mind, body, and psyche.

I believe the proper Biblical term is whore.

[Princess3dward]

<div class='quotemain'>

Hi Fiannan, I think that this is a great idea, however I don't see how this could happen between 2 LDS people planning to get married, who are virgins? have had no experience of sex in any way previous to their wedding night?

Communication. Yes there is a tendency for virgins to not sexually communicate, and this is dangerous in a marriage, but these are not mutually exclusive.

To me the biggest sexual turn-off is if I knew my partner knowingly disobeyed what she knew was right, had the most intimate sexual experience with another man, and that she would always remember such experience(s) in her mind, body, and psyche.

I believe the proper Biblical term is whore.

Nice

[kathwilliam]

I am working with LDS Social Services in my area to try and start a message board for the wives of LDS sexual addicts to provide support and understanding and guidance. I am trying to reach women who would be interested in joining. LDS Social Services (at least the one down here) has tried several times to start support groups for the women affected by their husbands' sexual addictions, but it's been hard to get women to come because of family commitments, etc. We are hoping that an online message board will provide women with the chance to log on when they can instead of having to work their schedule around meetings and that it will also allow them to talk anonymously so they may feel more comfortable revealing family "secrets" that have been hurting them for so long.

If you would like information about how to join, please PM me.

I would like information

[fitzy]

WOW! This is my first time ever to visit this forum and register. I clicked on this thread to read as it was all too familiar. I was shocked at some of the responses that looking at porn was o.k. I have been there. It is an AWFUL place to be. My spouse was casually looking at porn over the years -I would catch something on the computer history occasionally and have a confrontation. It was very hurtful to me. He ended up having an internet affair that was "internet sex" but they never met up. However 5 years after that, he ended up meeting someone online, after viewing porn etc. and had an affair. I can't even begin to tell you the pain and hurt it caused our family. We have two elementary age children.

After spending months in therapy and meeting with the bishop, stake president, he was disfellowshipped. Not excommunicated because it was a one time encounter and he confessed to it himself. His membership was reinstated after a year and after a very difficult time going through the repentence process.

I chose not to divorce him as I still really loved him and did not want to do that to my children. I had seen what it had done to my niece and nephew after my sister divorced. I also took those marriage covenants that I made in the temple very seriously and was prepared to do everything to help him and work it out.

He still has the urge, but doesn't act on it. I check in with him regularly and he avoids those situations that are tempting. He has no internet access at home. I realize he could look at it elsewhere if he wanted, but I need my home to be a safe place. We really work on the communication.

There is a reason why the prophet and the general authorities tell the members not to look at porn. It can be very destructive and desensitizes your mind and spirit.

For those that have not had to go through what I have had to go through, it blows my mind that you think that it is o.k. if your spouse looks at this stuff occasionally. Someone doesn't just decide to go out and do something big like this, it is the gradual build up of little things that snowballs. Just ask yourself if it is something that you would do with your parents in the room? with your kids in the room, with the Savior in the room. And even if it isn't addictive at the time, it has the potential to be.

I like the idea of the internet support group, I think it would benefit the spouses greatly. I respected my husband enough to not tell anyone about his issues or problems, other then some close family members and the local priesthood authorities that he was working with, and a couple of therapists.

[Fiannan]

Hi Fiannan, I think that this is a great idea, however I don't see how this could happen between 2 LDS people planning to get married, who are virgins? have had no experience of sex in any way previous to their wedding night?

Pushka, to a degree that might be the case. However, I believe humans have a vivid imagination and have a pretty good idea of what their sex drive/libido levels are at as well. It's kink of like if you date a woman and you find that whenever kids are around she gets really agitated and speaks badly of children -- I'd run away from her faster than you can imagine. Sex is the same way -- people know what they like even if they have not had a lot of experience probably.

Also, fitzy, good for you for sticking by your man. I really think though that most people in this thread have not defended porn or advocated its use. There have been opinions expressed that occasional use is not addiction or that most people in America have looked at the stuff (yes, even the majority of under-40 females) but that even use that might extend to a few times per month does not constitute an addiction in any way shape or form (from a psychological perspective).

[pushka]

Fiannan, I can agree with you in the sense of a person who has viewed some sort of sexuality on tv and has had a physical reaction to it, even tho it has not been pornography that they have viewed, and they think about having sex often, as a result of the feelings they are experiencing.. :)

[thisisforever]

is this forum active anymore? it looks like the last post was in 2006.?? i am looking for a forum where i can get support as a wife of a sex addict. thank you.

[Guest saintish]

Try sending a PM to the OP.

[loannie]

While it may seem as you say, "harmless" for consenting adults to look at consenting adults...it is much more than that. First of all, how do you know those women are consenting? Have you looked into that? Most of those women are under the gun to pose that way--some by pimps, others because of financial distress, many of them are under age and lie saying they are 18. There is a HUGE business of abuse to women and some men by forcing them to participate in these acts against their will. Some have been abused early and fall into it for lots of reasons--few of them truly desire to be a part of it. Don't believe me, check out the Documentary DVD Rated X, "A journey through porn". It exposes the exploitations and history of pornography. The majority of those models are not truly consenting adults.

In addition there are a host of studies, repeated studies that have brought the same conclusive evidence that porn is NOT harmless. In fact, one such study did an extensive examination of what exactly porn does. Men that participated in the research filled out a survey of attitudes about women before the experiment. Then they looked at porn for approximately an hour a day for 6 weeks. At the end of the survey they found that men's attitudes toward women had significantly changed. They were more tolerate of violent sexual acts against women, more tolerate of abuse in general towards others and a host of other negative attitudes especially aimed at women. It de-humanized women in their minds and made them much more likely not only to see women in a negative light, but to treat women with disrespect. They have repeated this experiment over and over with the same results. In fact they did this with couples. Couples that were in love and had a good relationship. They viewed porn together and/or separately. At the end of the six weeks they found that these couple's relationships were damaged, some beyond repair. The researcher felt so bad about this that he personally paid for these couples to have therapy.

If you think porn has no affect on people then you are either an addict yourself, extremely uninformed or in denial. The evidence is everywhere that it is destructive.

I am under the impression that this is a group for those who are LDS and profess to believe in the things that the LDS espouse. The prophets and apostles pull no punches about the insidious damage of porn on the individual, couples and worse families. I am also under the impression that this was a group for WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS. This is for support of women who have been through hell. I suggest you find another forum to post your ridiculous and uninformed remarks to.

[pam]

I am under the impression that this is a group for those who are LDS and profess to believe in the things that the LDS espouse. The prophets and apostles pull no punches about the insidious damage of porn on the individual, couples and worse families. I am also under the impression that this was a group for WIVES OF PORN ADDICTS. This is for support of women who have been through hell. I suggest you find another forum to post your ridiculous and uninformed remarks to.

Whoa....calm down. You posted on a thread that is 5 years old. Some of those involved in the original conversation are not even a part of this site anymore.

This forum wasn't to be used a support group. The OP was trying to start a support group elsewhere. Not here.

[loannie]

Did that group get started somewhere else? How can I find it?

[pam]

Did that group get started somewhere else? How can I find it?

No idea. Again that was 5 years ago.

[loannie]

Then what is this group? I'm confused.

[pam]

Then what is this group? I'm confused.

This is a thread. This wasn't a group. The OP was announcing she was starting a group away from this site. Unfortunately as most threads do, it got side-tracked from the original intent.