Troubles with In-laws~

[Dove]

I'm really struggling this morning....

Ever since I've been married to my wonderful, sweet and loving husband, his family has turned on me. After 3 years of just swallowing it, turning the other cheek and doing all I knew how to be kind and supportive, I finally realized that regardless of what I did, it would never be good enough. For just a few examples; there were the anti-mormon comments, the comments about my size and the self-justified anger towards me.

My husband loves his family dearly and doesn't want to be separated from them. His reaction to my struggling is to feel bad that I don't handle it better. Although, at times he has talked to them about how they were treating me. I've never discouraged him from visiting his family without me. I've always encouraged him to go see them and talk to them.

After 3 years and some angry words with his mother, I stopped having contact with his family. I wouldn't attend family functions or go where they would be. My husband and I moved to Arizona for 2-3 years, and so other than phone calls, there was really no contact.

Then we moved back to Utah when my husband was able to get the job he was laid off from back. It was quite positive. I've been trying to attend the family functions with him again, as he won't go alone; but, the rudeness is still very much there.

I find if I bring one of my own family/friend with me, they have less of a chance to corner me and get a pot shot in. I invited a close friend to come with me for the Christmas party tonight; but, I haven't heard back from her and feel she may not come. I've explained to her what I'm dealing with and I hope dearly she doesn't bail. I had asked my sister-in-law after first asking her because I thought she had to work that night. But, she told me she would come so I told my sister-in-law the dilemma. She said it was fine. Do I ask her to come after all if this friend won't?

I don't know what to do. I feel I may end up going without a friend to be with me. I don't want to be a sitting duck. I feel if someone is rude to me again, that I want to say something. Not rudely back; but to the point. I'm so angry about going at all. I feel so vulnerable going. I am expecting that people will be rude again because it happens every time I go.

How do I handle this situation? Any response will be much appreciated. Or prayers would be especially appreciated.

Thanks

Dove

Edited December 25, 2011 by Dove
Clarification

[NeuroTypical]

My husband loves his family dearly and doesn't want to be separated from them. His reaction to my struggling is to feel bad that I don't handle it better. Although, at times he has talked to them about how they were treating me.

Your problem isn't with your husband's family, it's with your husband.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Here's what a man does when he's following that commandment:

"Mom, you just spoke rudely to my wife. I will not stand for it. If you do it again, we will leave and not come back until we have a guarantee that she will not be treated this way."

Of course it happens again two minutes later, because he's always bowed to their whims in the past, why would it be different this time. Then he takes you and leaves, letting his mom know that he won't be back until he is satisfied that his wife will not be treated badly.

Then you'd think the gates of hell opened up against you and your husband, as the entire family polarizes against you for a little while, because that's what happens in such families. Then one of two things happens, either enough members of your husband's family grow up and treats you decently, or they don't.

The whole process here can take years, but it won't start until your husband decides to pick you over them, and do something about it.

[Dravin]

Your problem isn't with your husband's family, it's with your husband.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Amen, she should need go with no other friend than her Husband. My wife is more important to me than my other family. I love my other family dearly but my wife comes first and my job is to provide and protect as I am able. I don't have much occasion to protect the homestead from wolves and mountain lions but I can protect it from nasty family members. An attack on my wife is an attack on me, it is not her, or me, it is we. Just thinking about my family hypothetically treating my wife illy raises my hackles.

Edited December 25, 2011 by Dravin

[Vort]

I hesitate ever to tell someone to cut his family off, but I think LM's is the only reasonable position. A man must be willing to tell his family, "This is my wife and I will not expose her to hostility from my own family -- so knock it off or I will not be coming back." I am sorry that any family has to be given this ultimatum, but if that's what it takes, then that's his duty.

I wish I had advice for you on how to proceed. Good luck. Merry Christmas!

[NeuroTypical]

One qualifier occurs to me - if you are dependent financially on his family, you're pretty much stuck with what you are willing to put up with if you want to keep their goodies flowing.

I have no way of knowing if that's your situation or not, but it's a situation that lots of married couples share. If that's the case, it's important to actually be independent adults, before you demand to be treated as such.

[Dove]

Thank you, everyone, for the response....

It's a breath of relief to hear this; but, daunting as well. Daunting because, while we are not financially dependent on his family in the least, I still don't see my husband ever giving that ultimatum. So, I believe I will have to raise the standard myself and not give myself to being in those situations. My husband will follow if I refuse to go. It may break his heart~However, I get so tired of the potshots.

I will be going tonight, as I agreed to go when I thought my friend would come and support me. If another situation occurs where rude comments are made, I will simply stop going in the future with the peace of the advice given me here.

LMM, thanks so much for the perspective. It brings me a peace and a sense of well being long absent from me. Thank you also, Vort and Dravin, it's been really comforting to read what you feel.

Dove

[NeuroTypical]

Troublesome inlaws are a part of the human condition. From one of my favorite Christmas parody songs:

"On Christmas day, I hug and I kiss my wife's mother. The rest of the year - we don't speak to each other."

[Tyler90AZ]

I feel your pain

Edited December 26, 2011 by Tyler90AZ

[Dove]

LMM; where is the LOL button?!

Tyler, thank you. Yes, I've experienced a lot of heartache about this situation throughout the years....

However, we had a wonderful day yesterday. I can't help but wonder if prayers were said on our behalf and answered. We spent the morning with my side of the family and then went to my husband's side that evening. Everything went smoothly. I am learning to keep the conversation very superficial and ultra positive. Also, I avoided the members of the family that are making the comments as best as I could. Luckily, this was relatively easy to do last night as I was watchful and stayed by other people as much as possible.

I noticed that my mother-in-law persistently asked 2-3 times how my husband and I were doing......It felt to me that she was digging for more information. I'm finally realizing that this often ends up as fuel for future comments. So again, nothing personal, everything is wonderful and fine.....I feel that I was probably guided in being aware of this.

Thanks again~

Dove

[applepansy]

Thank you, everyone, for the response....

It's a breath of relief to hear this; but, daunting as well. Daunting because, while we are not financially dependent on his family in the least, I still don't see my husband ever giving that ultimatum. So, I believe I will have to raise the standard myself and not give myself to being in those situations. My husband will follow if I refuse to go. It may break his heart~However, I get so tired of the potshots.

I will be going tonight, as I agreed to go when I thought my friend would come and support me. If another situation occurs where rude comments are made, I will simply stop going in the future with the peace of the advice given me here.

LMM, thanks so much for the perspective. It brings me a peace and a sense of well being long absent from me. Thank you also, Vort and Dravin, it's been really comforting to read what you feel.

Dove

LM's post was very very good and exactly on point.

Don't give up. We've been married 35 years. About 5 years ago my husband started standing up for me. This year he even got angry at his niece who send a very nasty, uncalled for message to me. He's going to respond... not me.

Stick up for yourself. Ask for your husband's help every time something happens. Let him know how hurtful it is when all you want is respectful family relationships.

Pray.

Fast.

Eventually it will happen.

Best Wishes, applepansy

Edited December 27, 2011 by applepansy

[mirkwood]

I have little conversation with my inlaws. They have been manipulative and abusive for 21 years. Fortunately for me I am a type A personality and hold my own. I wish you luck with your situation...it isn't a lot of fun.

[Backroads]

I brought up a similar question here a few months back... in the situation my family was mad at my husband--a little mad at me, but mainly at my husband.

Things seem to be sailing pretty smoothly thanks to some advice I got.

Here's the thing: I never actually gave my family an ultimatum in so many words as "it's him or me". I had told my husband if it came down to it I would pick him over my family. But my sisters are my best friends and I love my family, so it really is a hard thing and I can kind of feel for your husband. However, what I did do was make it clear I was on my husband's side and that I was not going to run to my family at the expense of my husband because they felt bad.

Your husband hopefully does not have to disregard his family, but his support should be with you. His level of visible support will certainly depend on the situation, but he should have it there.

If he really has qualms about how you're handling it, maybe he should speak up and give you some advice on how to handle it. But that would not excuse him from supporting his wife.

Hopefully, your husband's family's love for him will be stronger than their distaste for you.

[Dove]

Hey, everyone;

Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement.

I'm struggling right now on a few levels in my marriage. I don't fully blame my husband in the least. In fact, I'm quite the mess in my life right now. Anyone would have a difficult time being my spouse...

I am worried because I am finding myself withdrawing from my husband for the first time in the six years of our marriage. We've been having a rough patch lately. Something snapped inside of me. Now I feel trapped and am biding my time to flee my marriage. Not the ideal reaction; but, still my reaction.

Today I realized a little bit why I'm not functioning well in my life. I realized there is something holding me back from being okay in general. I suspect it's issues from my childhood coming up to haunt me. This realization felt quite freeing. For the first time in years I felt a sense of motivation and desire to act. I'm on disability in part because of severe depression....

Sadly, I've yet to share this with my husband. I have no desire to do so. Often when I talk about my "stuff" with him, I feel more corrected and directed than listened to. I know his heart is in the right place....that he truly is reaching out the best he knows how. Also, I have told him this is how I feel before. Right now, I'm just not in the mood not to feel heard and understood. I'm really desiring some personal time and space for prayer and meditation to get a handle on what to do to heal from my childhood.....I've been in therapy and psychiatry for some years now. Ironically, that has yet to heal me. I believe that my true healing will take place through the Spirit and because of the atonement. I was told in a priesthood blessing years ago that, paraphrasing, it was obvious I was having problems as a result of childhood happenings, and that it was time to face this and deal with it. I don't know how.

And I think it is wise to stay in my marriage until I am in a healthier frame of mind to truly decide if this is the marriage that is in my and my husband's best interest. I'm not saying my desire to flee right now is correct. It's something I'm struggling with.

Thanks

Dove

[Guest Anonymity]

But 35 years? I couldn't wait that long. For heaven's sake cut the apron strings already and stand up for the person you are married to. (That wasn't directed at you applepansy just people here in general). You are MARRIED to the other person, what happened to "leaving your father and mother and cleaving unto her an NONE else" with my emphasis on NONE. My ex-wife couldn't cut the apron strings and my wife ended up being as abusive as my mother-in-law was. My ex-mother-in-law that is. She was a terrible woman, very jealous and hateful in many ways. So my fear is my future mother-in-law, will there every be one to LOVE me and treat me with RESPECT because I'm a good man and I married her daughter? Hmm . . . I get the feeling not man is good enough for a daughter nowadays.

[applepansy]

But 35 years? I couldn't wait that long. For heaven's sake cut the apron strings already and stand up for the person you are married to. (That wasn't directed at you applepansy just people here in general). You are MARRIED to the other person, what happened to "leaving your father and mother and cleaving unto her an NONE else" with my emphasis on NONE. My ex-wife couldn't cut the apron strings and my wife ended up being as abusive as my mother-in-law was. My ex-mother-in-law that is. She was a terrible woman, very jealous and hateful in many ways. So my fear is my future mother-in-law, will there every be one to LOVE me and treat me with RESPECT because I'm a good man and I married her daughter? Hmm . . . I get the feeling not man is good enough for a daughter nowadays.

I agree with you. Its a process though. Nothing changes over night.

I'm sorry you had so much trouble with inlaws that it was a contributor to divorce. that's very sad.

[Guest]

My mom loves all 4 of her sons-in-law like her own. Sometimes I think she likes my husband more than she likes me! I know she's not the only woman of her kind. They're out there.

My sisters-in-law and I have made a pact to never be like our mother-in-law. She can be fine, but she can be kind of awful, too. But only to her daughters-in-law. She's fine to the sons-in-law.

[Guest Anonymity]

I'm sorry she is like that to the daughters-in-law. That's just the opposite of what I've always had to put up with! Even mothers of my ex-girlfriends have treated me poorly. haha It makes me sound like I'm some kind of terrible guy! "Too good to be true" hahaha And yes, it is a process, and nothing changes overnight. But I can't and won't make excuses for people that are rude especially when they know better, and most people do. :S

[Dove]

Hey, everyone;

Thanks so much for the kind words and encouragement.

I'm struggling right now on a few levels in my marriage. I don't fully blame my husband in the least. In fact, I'm quite the mess in my life right now. Anyone would have a difficult time being my spouse...

I am worried because I am finding myself withdrawing from my husband for the first time in the six years of our marriage. We've been having a rough patch lately. Something snapped inside of me. Now I feel trapped and am biding my time to flee my marriage. Not the ideal reaction; but, still my reaction.

Today I realized a little bit why I'm not functioning well in my life. I realized there is something holding me back from being okay in general. I suspect it's issues from my childhood coming up to haunt me. This realization felt quite freeing. For the first time in years I felt a sense of motivation and desire to act. I'm on disability in part because of severe depression....

Sadly, I've yet to share this with my husband. I have no desire to do so. Often when I talk about my "stuff" with him, I feel more corrected and directed than listened to. I know his heart is in the right place....that he truly is reaching out the best he knows how. Also, I have told him this is how I feel before. Right now, I'm just not in the mood not to feel heard and understood. I'm really desiring some personal time and space for prayer and meditation to get a handle on what to do to heal from my childhood.....I've been in therapy and psychiatry for some years now. Ironically, that has yet to heal me. I believe that my true healing will take place through the Spirit and because of the atonement. I was told in a priesthood blessing years ago that, paraphrasing, it was obvious I was having problems as a result of childhood happenings, and that it was time to face this and deal with it. I don't know how.

And I think it is wise to stay in my marriage until I am in a healthier frame of mind to truly decide if this is the marriage that is in my and my husband's best interest. I'm not saying my desire to flee right now is correct. It's something I'm struggling with.

Thanks

Dove

P.S.

I thought I would give an update. I was honest with my husband about my feelings not long after I wrote this. This enabled us to talk and work things out....I'm staying with him~ I love him and he loves me.....Though, Anonymity, I relate to what you are saying because there have been times when I've thought that if my marriage didn't work out it would be because of the in laws....

I noticed that no one responded to my last post and have wondered if I was to upfront/honest/revealing about my personal problems. I hope I haven't offended anyone or made anyone uncomfortable. I do have a sleuth of problems. I am learning about boundaries and not saying too much that shouldn't be said.

Thanks

Dove

[Guest]

Dove, I think you may have posted at a time when things were slow. I know for me, I often have a baby in arms so I'm able to read but not respond. I'm glad you and your husband are seeing eye-to-eye and able to work things out. I've had a number of problems with my husband's family, and I've often thought how much more difficult it would be if he kept his loyalties with them. Granted, he will tell me when he feels I'm handling things wrong; but always in private and always with love and respect. His sister once implied that if he knew what I was saying to her (sticking up for myself), he would take her side, and he didn't hesitate to set her straight . That meant a lot to me. I also appreciate that he'll help me see, in private, how I can do and say things better.

Anyway, good luck to you. It sounds like you guys are on a good path. :)

[applepansy]

P.S.

I thought I would give an update. I was honest with my husband about my feelings not long after I wrote this. This enabled us to talk and work things out....I'm staying with him~ I love him and he loves me.....Though, Anonymity, I relate to what you are saying because there have been times when I've thought that if my marriage didn't work out it would be because of the in laws....

I noticed that no one responded to my last post and have wondered if I was to upfront/honest/revealing about my personal problems. I hope I haven't offended anyone or made anyone uncomfortable. I do have a sleuth of problems. I am learning about boundaries and not saying too much that shouldn't be said.

Thanks

Dove

Dove,

I'm happy to hear that you talked with your husband and that the two of you are working things out. We all have problems. I think its important to talk and let our partners know how we're feeling and it goes both ways. Love and loyalty are very important in a marriage.

Best Wishes.

[Guest]

Dove, fleeing is not the solution to a marital problem. Well, not counting getting beat up and all that abusive stuff. Actually, fleeing is not a solution to many problems. I used to do that. Flee, I mean. When things get rough, I press the restart button by moving. It's how I ended up in Florida. I realized that fleeing didn't really address the issue, it only put it on hold waiting for another time to rear its ugly head, totally crippling the new environment you fled to.

It is always best to stay put and look the devil in the eye and crush him with your heel. It takes a lot of courage and it is very difficult - but, in the end, when you've overcome it, then you are free of it.

The thing with marriages is - it takes two to make it work. A man, when faced with a problem, usually tries to act on it. Just listening and trying to understand (being passive) is not an instinctive thing for most of them. Their instinctive reaction is to DO something - hence the correction, the advice to do something different, etc. My husband is the exact same way. When I just want to be listened to I tell him specifically - I don't want you to tell me what to do, I just want you to listen. Yeah, he needs things to be that explicit.

In any case, your husband is your partner. He can't be a good partner if you shut him out. He is probably just as confused as you are. Give him a chance to grow.

In the meantime, you'll probably need to continue your professional therapy sessions for your depression. Therapy is not a, "voila! I'm healed!" thing... It's an ongoing, sometimes lifelong, process of overcoming something - even just enough to function.

[Dove]

Thanks so much for the kind responses and counsel/advice....It means a lot to me and leaves me feeling supported.

Anatess, I agree with you. I tend to "flee" or run a lot. I am learning to, through the Spirit, go within myself for answers. Also, to become more self reliant to change things in my life to make it better.

My husband has really been making an effort to listen and do those things that will make me happy. His sweet, honest sincerity in trying to mend things has gone a long way in helping me feel better about our marriage. As has been said, it takes two to be loyal to each other and to communicate and try together to make things work. I, too, want to work on doing those things that will help my husband feel better and be happier...

Again, thanks so much...

Dove

[IamMe]

I usually just kind of lurk around here, but Dove the issues your facing with your in laws sound so much like the ones I had I felt like I needed to comment.

My marriage is a second marriage for us both. We both came into it with children from our previous one, then we had children together as well. My in laws lived a 3 hour trip out of town so would only make the journey every 4-6 weeks for a weekend usually. I used to dread that weekend they'd be here. My MIL was so mean and spite full to my children, it really felt and seemed like she would go out of her way not to do things out of love for her grand children but rather to do things to taunt my children. All weekend I would have to sit and bite my tongue and try my best to tolerate her. I found myself despising their weekend visits. I begged my husband to say something to his parents, to stand up to them. And in my eyes, although his father wasn't nearly as bad as his mother, he was also guilty as he would permit these attacks.

After their Easter visit this year, my husband and I had a HUGE argument, something that had never happened to us in our 3 year marriage. I'm talking a full on yelling match. I was frustrated that he wasn't putting his foot down and putting an end to this. He kept telling me that they were old and set in their ways, that saying something would only cause upset & turmoil.

Last June I found myself again facing a weekend visit, 8 months pregnant with our now 6 month old daughter. Maybe it was the hormones, who knows, but I decided enough was enough I just couldn't tolerate it any longer. I would never ask my husband to choose between the parents that gave birth to him and raised him and me. I couldn't do that but felt for my own sanity, I needed to remove myself from the situation... so I packed up my kids and went to a friends for the weekend. My husband asked me not to go, and wanted to know what he should tell his parents when they asked where me & the kids were... I told him he was NOT to make any excuses and if they asked, he was to tell them the truth.

He did.

The weekend following their visit, we received a call from my father in law that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer and would be beginning treatments immediately. He didn't know when they'd be able to visit again.

They did manage to come for one more visit, when the baby was about 10 days old. After everything that had happened their last visit they opted to stay at a hotel and asked that we bring the baby by, since they didn't feel comfortable coming to our home. We did, and for an hour (possibly more) his mother held her new grand daughter and wept.

Two months later she passed away.

There really isn't a point in me sharing this. I do know that if I could take back that weekend of their last visit when I fled to a friends house, I would. My ending may be fairly dramatic, in that I never got a chance to make things right with my mother in law. I'm glad that I did finally stick up for myself, in that I let it be known that I wasn't going to tolerate being treated this way, but clearly my approach was all wrong. I'm also not going to have a chance in this life time to make that right.

[Backroads]

IamMe, I truly believe you did the right thing. It's unfortunate it came at a bad time, but you did what you needed to to make your in-laws understand how you felt. You can't be responsible for their actions. My interpretation of it was that it was the wake-up call they needed, and just may have been too little, too late. NOt your problem.

[applepansy]

I usually just kind of lurk around here, but Dove the issues your facing with your in laws sound so much like the ones I had I felt like I needed to comment.

My marriage is a second marriage for us both. We both came into it with children from our previous one, then we had children together as well. My in laws lived a 3 hour trip out of town so would only make the journey every 4-6 weeks for a weekend usually. I used to dread that weekend they'd be here. My MIL was so mean and spite full to my children, it really felt and seemed like she would go out of her way not to do things out of love for her grand children but rather to do things to taunt my children. All weekend I would have to sit and bite my tongue and try my best to tolerate her. I found myself despising their weekend visits. I begged my husband to say something to his parents, to stand up to them. And in my eyes, although his father wasn't nearly as bad as his mother, he was also guilty as he would permit these attacks.

After their Easter visit this year, my husband and I had a HUGE argument, something that had never happened to us in our 3 year marriage. I'm talking a full on yelling match. I was frustrated that he wasn't putting his foot down and putting an end to this. He kept telling me that they were old and set in their ways, that saying something would only cause upset & turmoil.

Last June I found myself again facing a weekend visit, 8 months pregnant with our now 6 month old daughter. Maybe it was the hormones, who knows, but I decided enough was enough I just couldn't tolerate it any longer. I would never ask my husband to choose between the parents that gave birth to him and raised him and me. I couldn't do that but felt for my own sanity, I needed to remove myself from the situation... so I packed up my kids and went to a friends for the weekend. My husband asked me not to go, and wanted to know what he should tell his parents when they asked where me & the kids were... I told him he was NOT to make any excuses and if they asked, he was to tell them the truth.

He did.

The weekend following their visit, we received a call from my father in law that his wife had been diagnosed with cancer and would be beginning treatments immediately. He didn't know when they'd be able to visit again.

They did manage to come for one more visit, when the baby was about 10 days old. After everything that had happened their last visit they opted to stay at a hotel and asked that we bring the baby by, since they didn't feel comfortable coming to our home. We did, and for an hour (possibly more) his mother held her new grand daughter and wept.

Two months later she passed away.

There really isn't a point in me sharing this. I do know that if I could take back that weekend of their last visit when I fled to a friends house, I would. My ending may be fairly dramatic, in that I never got a chance to make things right with my mother in law. I'm glad that I did finally stick up for myself, in that I let it be known that I wasn't going to tolerate being treated this way, but clearly my approach was all wrong. I'm also not going to have a chance in this life time to make that right.

I agree with Backroads. Your response was non-confrontational. You removed yourself and your children from a bad situation. Being old or set in your ways is not a good reason to excuse and put up with bad behavior. Its your job to protect your children, even from unthinking/unkind verbal abuse from your in-laws. Its also your husband job since he married you and should be putting the children first.

I'm sorry your MIL passed away before there could be some resolution that felt right to you. I would like you to consider that maybe there was some resolution. They stayed at a hotel and they invited you to bring the baby to them. That is appropriate, especially if they can't be nice to the other children.

I hope you'll be able to find peace with your decision and not feel guilty about it.