Signs of a good marriage counselor

[SoCal_Counselor]

For anyone who is starting the proces of marriage counseling, consider these thoughts from Bill Doherty (a renowned expert in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy) about good marriage counselors. Taken from What to Look For in a Marriage Therapist

What to Look For in an Experienced, Competent Marriage Counselor:

The Do's and Don'ts of Marriage Counseling

Most people don't know what to expect of a competent marriage therapist. Here are some qualities and actions that researchers have found to promote effective couples marriage counseling.

Do's of Good Marriage Counseling

• The therapist is caring and compassionate to both of you.
• The therapist actively tries to help your marriage and communicates hope that you solve your marital problems. This goes beyond just clarifying your problems.
• The therapist is active in structuring the session.
• The therapist offers reasonable and helpful perspectives to help you understand the sources of your problems.
• The therapist challenges each of you about your contributions to the problems and about your capacity to make individual changes to resolve the problems.
• The therapist offers specific strategies for changing your relationship, and coaches you on how to use them.
• The therapist is alert to individual matters such as depression, alcoholism, and medical illness that might be influencing your marital problems.
• The therapist is alert to the problem of physical abuse and assesses in individual meetings whether there is danger to one of the spouses.

Don'ts of Bad Marriage Counseling

• The therapist does not take sides.
• The therapist does not permit you and your spouse to interrupt each other, talk over each other, or speak for the other person.
• The therapist does not let you and your spouse engage in repeated angry exchanges during the session.
• Although the therapist may explore how your family-of-origin backgrounds influence your problems, the focus is on how to deal with your current marital problems rather than just on insight into how you developed these problems.
• The therapist does not assume that there are certain ways that men and women should behave according to their gender in marriage.

[MIssB]

My husband and I are considering going to counseling. We both have some issues from our past that have created some trust issues with each other. We want to get these issues sorted out so we can move forward with our relatively new marriage. I've never been to any kind of counseling, so here are a few questions for you... (If you don't mind answering them.)

What should I expect the first time?

What is the format? I can't image just walking in and dumping to a complete stranger.

How does it end? Is it weird to go home with each other after sharing intimate details about your marriage with each other?

Thanks for any information you have to share!

[beefche]

I'm not a marriage counselor. I"ve been to counseling but not for any marriage issues.

I look at counselors as I do a doctor. I tell my doctor anything (even the gross stuff, if necessary) so that I can be treated properly. I am not going to worry about dumping everything on a counselor for my first visit. I'm paying him/her good money to treat me properly, so I'm going to share everything they ask and anything I think is pertinent.

I can say that, just like a doctor, I must feel comfortable with a counselor. I had a counselor once that although she didn't do or say anything wrong, I just didn't click with her. So, I changed counselors.

Also, don't be afraid to ask the counselor what they think the format should be or plan of action. They are the professionals and should be able to answer any questions you have with ease.

Good luck.

[Vort]

For anyone who is starting the proces of marriage counseling, consider these thoughts from Bill Doherty (a renowned expert in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy) about good marriage counselors. Taken from What to Look For in a Marriage Therapist

What to Look For in an Experienced, Competent Marriage Counselor:

The Do's and Don'ts of Marriage Counseling

Most people don't know what to expect of a competent marriage therapist. Here are some qualities and actions that researchers have found to promote effective couples marriage counseling.

Do's of Good Marriage Counseling

• The therapist is caring and compassionate to both of you.
• The therapist actively tries to help your marriage and communicates hope that you solve your marital problems. This goes beyond just clarifying your problems.
• The therapist is active in structuring the session.
• The therapist offers reasonable and helpful perspectives to help you understand the sources of your problems.
• The therapist challenges each of you about your contributions to the problems and about your capacity to make individual changes to resolve the problems.
• The therapist offers specific strategies for changing your relationship, and coaches you on how to use them.
• The therapist is alert to individual matters such as depression, alcoholism, and medical illness that might be influencing your marital problems.
• The therapist is alert to the problem of physical abuse and assesses in individual meetings whether there is danger to one of the spouses.

Don'ts of Bad Marriage Counseling

• The therapist does not take sides.
• The therapist does not permit you and your spouse to interrupt each other, talk over each other, or speak for the other person.
• The therapist does not let you and your spouse engage in repeated angry exchanges during the session.
• Although the therapist may explore how your family-of-origin backgrounds influence your problems, the focus is on how to deal with your current marital problems rather than just on insight into how you developed these problems.
• The therapist does not assume that there are certain ways that men and women should behave according to their gender in marriage.

Is there a difference between a marriage therapist and a marriage counselor?

I am aware of a situation where a female marriage counselor (but I believe not a therapist) worked with a couple where she was quite compassionate toward the wife and critical toward the husband. The husband tried to remain patient and admit his fault, but it bothered him how much favoritism the counselor was showing. After a few sessions of this, the counselor took the husband aside privately and told him that she was doing this intentionally to try to gain the wife's trust and get her to open up. I was told this by the husband, to whom I was (and am) close. I know there are always at least two sides to any story, but I don't see how there could be another side to this one if what he said is true, and I trust him. He would not lie about something like this. They stopped seeing the counselor after a few months because the therapy or sessions or whatever weren't going anywhere, and just sort of muddled through on their own until they hashed things out. (The wife called off the sessions, by the way, not the husband.)

I was appalled, and being Mr. Naive, I told him I couldn't believe the counselor would do something so duplicitous. I thought he might have cause to report her to some regulatory body (don't know who, but surely there's some agency or something that oversees marriage counselors), but he just wanted to leave it alone. The counselor is a Church member, and I don't think he wanted to make trouble. Honestly, I think he may have been surprised and a bit taken aback that I took such an interest. I knew (very slightly) the woman he was talking about (I don't think he knew that I knew her, though): friendly, polite, probably good-hearted and well-intentioned.

So based on what I've written, what's your verdict? Is it common or acceptable to take the wife's "side" in order to try to get her confidence built up so that she will open up? Or is my sense right that such a thing is not only unprofessional but unethical?

[garryw]

I have a good friend who I met in the mission field and we later became roomates in college. He is a marriage counselor now. He confided in me that he is waiting until his youngest turns 18 to divorce his wife. His youngest is 3.

He also confided in me that because he is trapped in a sexless marriage, that makes him a better counselor.

I asked him if divorcing his wife would dampen his career and he pretty much agreed it would.

[slamjet]

Having been through many counselors, I can honestly say that, for me, the worst trait is a therapist who will not tell me straight out what they think, even if it's saying I was a jerk (and yes, I have had one who did that) and the ever inquisitive "What! Are you suicidal?!?!? What in the world were you thinking?!?!?" I know it takes time for a therapist to get a feel for their clients. And in my case, most have learned that I was serious enough about my recovery, and that I was so bad at taking hints, that they used plain and forceful language, but never offensive. Also, they answered my questions with straight and unvarnished answers. I really appreciated that. The one's who soft-balled everything annoyed the heck out of me.

[MorningStar]

I have a friend who was being abused by her husband. They went to an LDS counselor together and she also saw her a couple times on her own in addition to her usual psychiatrist. The husband was raised in the church and the wife was a pretty recent convert and had gone back to some of her old ways during the abuse, and I believe the therapist was biased because of this. She pulled the husband aside to tell him she believed his wife had Borderline Personality Disorder, which just gave him more ammo against her. He had already threatened to make sure she never saw their son again if she were to leave. Her psychiatrist didn't agree with the diagnosis and was more qualified because he knew her better. She felt like the therapist violated confidentiality laws by talking to her husband about her and was especially hurt because she sided with her abuser. Even more bizarre, I found out the therapist was a lady in the ward I grew up in and she's quite unstable herself! Ugh. What a mess. I couldn't believe my ears when I found out she became a therapist. My friend did struggle with depression, but it was nothing that would justify taking her son away from her. That was a horrible thing to use against her.

[Tyler90AZ]

The problem with the church counselors is they talk to the Bishop. I wish they would just start with a blank slate, not knowing biases from anybody. It also seemed like counseling was very stressful to go to. It seemed like when we went we would fight more after, with one of us inevitably saying I told you. The gospel changes behavior quicker then any counselor will. That is when we are doers of the word and not just hearers. Not saying my counselor wasn't good, he did change my perspective a lot. I also can't really complain because it was free.

[Traveler]

For anyone who is starting the proces of marriage counseling, consider these thoughts from Bill Doherty (a renowned expert in the field of Marriage and Family Therapy) about good marriage counselors. Taken from What to Look For in a Marriage Therapist

What to Look For in an Experienced, Competent Marriage Counselor:

The Do's and Don'ts of Marriage Counseling

Most people don't know what to expect of a competent marriage therapist. Here are some qualities and actions that researchers have found to promote effective couples marriage counseling.

Do's of Good Marriage Counseling

• The therapist is caring and compassionate to both of you.
• The therapist actively tries to help your marriage and communicates hope that you solve your marital problems. This goes beyond just clarifying your problems.
• The therapist is active in structuring the session.
• The therapist offers reasonable and helpful perspectives to help you understand the sources of your problems.
• The therapist challenges each of you about your contributions to the problems and about your capacity to make individual changes to resolve the problems.
• The therapist offers specific strategies for changing your relationship, and coaches you on how to use them.
• The therapist is alert to individual matters such as depression, alcoholism, and medical illness that might be influencing your marital problems.
• The therapist is alert to the problem of physical abuse and assesses in individual meetings whether there is danger to one of the spouses.

Don'ts of Bad Marriage Counseling

• The therapist does not take sides.
• The therapist does not permit you and your spouse to interrupt each other, talk over each other, or speak for the other person.
• The therapist does not let you and your spouse engage in repeated angry exchanges during the session.
• Although the therapist may explore how your family-of-origin backgrounds influence your problems, the focus is on how to deal with your current marital problems rather than just on insight into how you developed these problems.
• The therapist does not assume that there are certain ways that men and women should behave according to their gender in marriage.

I am not sure that I agree. Sometimes I think we get so involved in the details that we loses track of the objective. My father use to say that whenever you are faced with a problem get your advice from the best problem solvers for that issue you can find.

When I was in college and missed a question or problem on a test - I would find other students that got the answer correct and asked them to explain it to me. I found this to be most effective - partly because other students loved demonstrating how smart they are. Teachers on the other hand usually seemed to me to be more concerned with whether you were an “A” student or a “D” student. Thus you had to convince the teacher you were an “A” student before they would actually help you learn anything.

As to marriage counseling - I do not think it is best to go together. Why - because when two people are having problems I do not think it helps at all for one to hear anything that the other “ought” to be doing. I believe, for example the husband should counsel and concentrate on things he can improve - likewise the wife. And neither should concern themselves on anything at all what the other should improve. Why do I think this - simple, every time I have tried to help my wife understand what she can do better she has resented me for it - only when I have tried to understand what I can do better has she appreciated anything about me.

Thus I think it is far better to have an attitude to improve yourself than it is to find a “good” counselor.

The Traveler

[SoCal_Counselor]

What should I expect the first time?

Usually the therapist will go over his/her policies during the first session. They will answer any questions that you might have and then hopefully get some background information on your relationship. In the first session, they will usually ask what you would like to accomplish with counseling and will jointly set goals with you and your spouse (if he is present).

What is the format? I can't image just walking in and dumping to a complete stranger.

Usually the "dumping" doesn't happen until the second session, though many people are eager to get things off their chest as they have been waiting some time to get the healing process started.

How does it end? Is it weird to go home with each other after sharing intimate details about your marriage with each other?

Some couples will actually feel a sense of relief after the therapy session. The sharing of intimate details is something that should be happening anyway within your relationship. Hopefully counseling can help in the process that should be happening. Most marriage counselors will talk about your sexual relationship. It may be weird and uncomfortable for you, but it isn't for the counselor. They are used to talking about those things, and they are things that should be discussed in the relationship anyways.Thanks for any information you have to share!

Some other thoughts:

Confidentiality. Counseling is completely confidential, in fact counselors are bound by law to not share any revealing information about you with anyone else.

Does counseling mean you are crazy? Absoultely not. It means that you are strong enough to recognize that you are unable to deal with your problems alone.

[SoCal_Counselor]

I'm not a marriage counselor. I"ve been to counseling but not for any marriage issues.

I look at counselors as I do a doctor. I tell my doctor anything (even the gross stuff, if necessary) so that I can be treated properly. I am not going to worry about dumping everything on a counselor for my first visit. I'm paying him/her good money to treat me properly, so I'm going to share everything they ask and anything I think is pertinent.

I can say that, just like a doctor, I must feel comfortable with a counselor. I had a counselor once that although she didn't do or say anything wrong, I just didn't click with her. So, I changed counselors.

Also, don't be afraid to ask the counselor what they think the format should be or plan of action. They are the professionals and should be able to answer any questions you have with ease.

Good luck.

Yes, yes, and yes. Studies have shown that the most important aspect of whether counseling is successful or not is the relationship the "client" has with the counselor. You will know within 3 visits or less whether or not your counselor is going to be a good fit for you. Many are able to recognize this in the first visit or even before the first visit. I recognize this and encourage people looking for counseling to set up a 15 minute visit with the counselor prior to beginning treatment. This consultation should be free of charge and should give you a decent idea of whether or not that particular therapist will be a good fit or not.

[SoCal_Counselor]

Is there a difference between a marriage therapist and a marriage counselor?

So based on what I've written, what's your verdict? Is it common or acceptable to take the wife's "side" in order to try to get her confidence built up so that she will open up? Or is my sense right that such a thing is not only unprofessional but unethical?

First of all, marriage therapist and marriage counselor are essentially interchangeable. For me personally, my official title is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. Yes, there are regulatory boards that monitor licenses and it is done on a state by state basis. These licenses are public record and will usually list (publicly) if any disciplinary action has been taken against that person or their license. In California, the governing board is the Board of Behavioral Sciences. In Utah, the regulatory board is The Division of Occupational and Professional Licensing. To find the licensing boards for other states go here: State MFT Licensing Boards.

Okay, my verdict. From what you have said I think what the counselor did was completely out of line for a couple's therapist. It may be that he/she lacked training to counsel couples. For me, being fair to both spouses is of the utmost importance. Though there are a number of bad therapists out there that think they know how to do counseling with couples but do not. Is it reportable to a licensing board, probably not, but you could always try.

[SoCal_Counselor]

The problem with the church counselors is they talk to the Bishop. I wish they would just start with a blank slate, not knowing biases from anybody. It also seemed like counseling was very stressful to go to. It seemed like when we went we would fight more after, with one of us inevitably saying I told you. The gospel changes behavior quicker then any counselor will. That is when we are doers of the word and not just hearers. Not saying my counselor wasn't good, he did change my perspective a lot. I also can't really complain because it was free.

At LDS Family Services, when the Bishops are covering the costs of counseling, they have to communicate some with the therapists. However, if you (or insurance) is willing to cover the counseling costs, your bishop does not need to be involved, and the counselor will not be able to talk to your bishop unless YOU GIVE SPECIFIC WRITTEN PERMISSION FOR THE COUNSELOR TO DO SO.