...and my world came crashing down...

[krcp]

So back in January or February I posted here about my hubby questioning the church. Well, after a few talks he never really said anything else about it to me, so I kinda figured everything was ok! In March he baptized our 2nd daughter. I thought life was great! Since then there have been a few times that he smelled like alcohol, I confronted him and he said I was being paranoid, so I just figured I was.

Then the last month he has been very distant. It was really hard to get him to be intimate with me and he rejected me time after time.

Then 2 weeks ago I noticed he stopped wearing his garments. I started freaking out and he wouldn't talk to me about it. 3 days later I finally was able to have a conversation with him about it and he said he didn't believe in the temple anymore. I was heartbroken. He wasn't sure about the church either. But he promised to keep going for me and the kids and said he would still pay tithing...asked if he was going to drink and he said probably not. I asked if he still loved me and he said of course, he would never leave me...he was afraid I would be the one to leave him for someone better.

Next day we had family pictures taken. When we were done I tried to hug him and he pushed me away. When we got home I told him I want to touch him, hold his hand, be near him, but he always seems annoyed. He said it is annoying because I only do stuff like that when i am insecure about our relationship. Whoa...seriously!? So I don't know where it came from, but I said "if you have any inkling that you want to leave me, do it now and don't drag me through this". He became very quiet and said he'd be lieing if he never thought about leaving me. Wait, WHAT!?

11 1/2 years of marriage (and 4 kids) and my husband wants to leave me. I didn't understand. So I felt like all of the blame was on me...that I never tried, and he was trying so hard and he has given up. I was so confused! After talking for 2 hours he left. He'd come back the next day to talk. I asked him if there was someone else and he said no. He did tell me, however, that he had been drinking. I KNEW it! I couldn't believe it.

So the next day he came back and we talked, then he left for the night and came back the next morning and talked some more and he told me he wanted to try counseling and see if we could work things out. Thank goodness!! So he came home that night, the next night the bishop came and talked to us, the next night we went and talked to the bishop. Hubby has told me he doesn't love me anymore, but the bishop told me to be patient with him, he is very lost, and I need to be there for him, and that he does love me...he could feel it!

Next morning when we woke up he told me the worst thing I have ever heard in my entire life. He was having an affair. Suddenly everything I had been told over the previous days seemed like nothing. He had been dating/sleeping with another woman for 3 1/2 weeks. Now he is staying at his parents and I don't know what to do. I still love him so much, and hope very much I can forgive him and we can be better, but I know it's going to be a long hard road. We start counseling on monday. The only problem I see is that he is sorry he hurt me, but has no remorse for any of it (affair, drinking, now porn, etc).

I went to the temple today and while I was sitting there I felt like if he could seek forgiveness...and heavenly father could forgive him, then I could as well. It's just getting him to the point of feeling remorse. I don't know if it will ever come. I have a peaceful feeling that everything will be ok, i'm just not sure what ok will be. He is a completely different person and I don't even know him anymore. I hope the real him comes back because I miss him so desperately!

[FunkyTown]

Know that this, too, will pass. As hard as it is, you will come out stronger for it and closer to the person you were meant to be. This is not your fault.

The second thing you need to know is that your husband is a colossal dink.

The third thing you need to know is that there is an issue here - Your husband has no need to repent, in his mind. He is walking all over you.

You can still mend the relationship, but I want to warn you that what you're doing right now is not encouraging him to repent. It is encouraging him to respect you less as he feels that he can and there will be no consequences.

Men are a strange beast - We want what we can't have. When a woman is too available, we feel that we are 'higher' than them socially. It's the same with women - Men who develop cases of 'one-itis' often are not seen as real potential mates. It's selfish, but it's inevitable that when a man gets in to a mindset where he's only thinking of himself, the family suffers.

You are now walking a fine line. Your husband thinks he wants freedom and feels that he's trapped and he thinks you and the kids are to blame for that. He wouldn't say it out loud, but he does. Every time you validate him by saying, "Do you want to leave?" in a vulnerable way, you're saying that you need him. In his mindset, you will drive him further away.

However, if you become incredibly angry all the time it will only validate him by making him feel worse every time he sees you. This will make him associate you with bad feelings and make him more inclined to leave.

You can overcome this. You can attract your husband back and help him repent, if that's what you choose. However, it will take a very specific mindset and a lot of strength. You will have to not allow him to bait you or emotionally manipulate you. You will have to treat him like a child having a temper tantrum, because that's exactly what it is. He's hurt you and hurt you deeply, but if you run to him for reaffirmation or turn in to a screaming wreck it will push him further away.

[annewandering]

If he is STILL in the affair then he is lying to you about even wanting to save your marriage. He is just going through the actions.

He should be the one coming to you wanting to fix what he has done to your relationship or its all garbage.

Frankly, at the point you are in I would lay it out for him. You love him but are not going to sit around till he gets tired of his bimbo. He has to stop. Period. If not then waiting around for him to remember he has a wife and family already is a waste of time.

Hey check it out. Right now he is in male paradise. He has his family, you and the kids, if he feels like playing daddy for awhile, he has his bimbo for hot forbidden sex, and he is free to do anything he wants and what he wants is to be free from responsibility and expectations. Oh, if he is any kind of human being, he will tire of being a teenager after a bit but that doesnt mean he will repent or ever admit he is a donkeys rear end. Mean time he knows you are there for him. If he decides he wants you back. Hey he knows you are not unfaithful. You are a good wife. and you will care for the kids.

So you need to break that line of thinking. Get a lawyer. Put his stuff in the garbage. Make it a challenge for him to get you back. YOU are the one that wont accept his behavior. (I hope anyway) Ask yourself if you would let him stay in your house and your bed if he hadnt left even with him still being adulterous? Remember you are not a doormat and you did not do anything to cause this to happen. He is the one with th problem.

Yes I am saying be hard about it but guess what? You have to be. Or you are a doormat. He has done and is doing serious wrong. He has put it all in jeopardy.

I am NOT saying you should give up. You love him so he must have something worthwhile in him. Still there has to be ground rules. No bimbos and no drinking. for starts or there is no talking. HE has to decide just maybe he blew it.

Edited June 13, 2012 by annewandering

[applepansy]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Funky gave good advice.

Be strong and independent. Tough combination when dealing with relationship issues on this scale.

Let your husband know you love him and want to work thins out, then live your life. He has to decide what he's going to do. But he also needs to really know you don't need him to be happy which will be hard for you because you're hurting from all this.

I don't know what is is with some men. They like a conquest. I'll never understand it. If he decides he wants to work this out he needs to know he has some work to do.

The most important part you're already doing. Pray! Fast! Don't hide this from the people who love you most. You need their prayers and faith too.

[Jennarator]

So sorry for all of this. The heart break is real and you need to take some time to let yourself feel and then heal from the pain. Keep going to the temple. You will know what to do. You can forgive him, but it will not be easy. Whatever happens with his affair and such is his choice. Know it's NOT your fault. It is NOT your fault. Remember that and good luck.

[NadiaStar]

It's so good that you do love him in spite of all of this. By all means, stay true to that love you feel, but don't be stupid! Your husband might be in a difficult place right now. He might be struggling. He truly might feel abandoned and needing to find other means of affection.

But you still have you to take care of. And I don't mean just as your role as mother of his children. You do not deserve to be in a marriage where these sorts of things are okay.

The fact that he's with his parents right now is probably for the best. Use the separation to figure out what you need: whether the two of you are able to hold the marriage together or whether it ends.

You will be needing to put your foot down and telling him what your expectations are. If he really doesn't have a testimony anymore, there's really no sense in demanding he fake one. But if he still wants any part in the marriage relationship, he can't be acting the way he is doing and you have to be the one to tell him that.

[annewandering]

Grow up or go away. That is what he needs to hear. I just dont see where she has to work with him at all. If he decides he wants her and only her again then she can CONSIDER working with him to recover their marriage. I dont see that she is under any obligation and he should know this. Of course if he comes to his senses and she still wants him then she does have to forget as best she can when he proves himself worthy.

You cannot namby pamby around with this. Too much depends on it.

I also see no reason she has to be reasonable. Not yet. He has hurt her and he needs to know that. He betrayed her in more than sex. If he, honestly, repents it will be a good day. I hope that happens for you. Things can be good. Probably not the same but still it can be great. Maybe even better considering this really wasnt just out of the blue.

Edited June 13, 2012 by annewandering

[NadiaStar]

well-said, anne.

Forgiveness has nothing to do with keeping the marriage together.

[NadiaStar]

krcp, here's more advice: you might have to think of forgiving your husband as separate from bringing him back. Because you might not want to have him back. You are commanded to forgive, that's not an option. For the time, step back from the marrige relationship and focus on how you can rise above this and forgive him for his errors.

[mrmarklin]

I went to the temple today and while I was sitting there I felt like if he could seek forgiveness...and heavenly father could forgive him, then I could as well. It's just getting him to the point of feeling remorse. I don't know if it will ever come. I have a peaceful feeling that everything will be ok, i'm just not sure what ok will be. He is a completely different person and I don't even know him anymore. I hope the real him comes back because I miss him so desperately!

Your feelings of future happiness are just wishful thinking IMHO.

Maybe you're seeing the real him right now. Many people wander through their lives without true testimonies just going through the motions for social reasons. I sincerely hope your husband is not one of these, but I suspect it's true.

You need to take appropriate actions right now, and deal with things as they are. Which things are: he doesn't have a testimony, possibly doesn't love you anymore, is ignoring and hurting his children with an affair, is harming himself with his drinking among other things wihich probably have not even come out yet.

You should consider filing for either a divorce or legal separation. This will either bring him to his senses if he decides that the loss of his wife and children would be too great to bear, or you will be better off without him.

[annewandering]

Good idea to seek to forgive first. It would be impossible to fix anything if you are hating him. Yes hating. Have to go through the grieving and anger/hate are very much a part of that. When that is done, hopefully, then you can be in a better position to evaluate your marriage.

[John11111]

Is a lot of good advice here but something that helped me A LOT was the marriagebuilders site.

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

Read all of it not just what you "think" you need to read.

[krcp]

It's been 3 weeks now this hubby left me...a little more than 2 weeks since he moved in with his parents. It has been hell! I am in complete limbo right now and I don't have the slightest clue where this is going to go. It is so frustrating and I am trying to be patient! I have started going to the temple once a week...this week will be my 3rd trip. I am constantly praying and studying my scriptures/conference talks. I feel like we are just friends hanging out. I really feel like I need to fight for our marriage, even though he's the one that royally screwed up...and right now he still has no remorse. Am I holding out false hope that he will someday feel bad?? He said he stopped seeing her, we are going on a date once a week, and counseling together once a week as well. We see eachother at least every other day because he wants to do stuff with the kids, or he watches them so I can go work out. We kinda have a family swimming day each week too.

I just feel like we are friends, which is great, but I don't know how it will progress from here. He'll hug me, and that's about it. On our date last weekend I was trying to talk to him about things that attracted us to eachother while we were dating. He got all mad and thought I had some ulterior motive...or was fishing for compliments. I cried, he didn't care, and we ended the date on a sad note. I hate that we can go hang out and have fun together, but as soon as anything serious comes up he seems to shut down.

I pray that his heart will be softened...he has his agency, and he may not change. In that case...I know the time will come where I can finally move on and say that I did everything I could possibly do.

He showed up for Sacrament meeting today, I told him i'd like him to come so he could help with the kids. The bishop wanted to see us after church and he told me he wouldn't go with me. He said the bishop isn't a counselor, and he needs no spiritual help right now. So I went alone and probably talked to him for45 or so minutes. He is a great man and has helped and supported me so much. I have a great support group of friends and family. I'm just trying to take it a day at a time...and I can get through this one way or another!

Anyways, sorry for my random ramblings!

[John11111]

Im a survivor of an affair and I understand completly how you are feeling. Lost, not knowing what to do, angry, wondering why it is you have to fight to make the marriage survive!

Have you read the marriage builder site I linked before yet? Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage For me understanding the whys and how comes was very helpful it also gave me a sense of direction.

Here is a start if you havnt already began from the begining which i recomend but may be more of what you need right now- What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband Letter #1 - hopefully this will give you some direction.

It seems that your husband might be in withdrawal one of the three states of mind in marriage Withdrawal - this will explain why your husband is acting how he is now what you can do about it.

You have to keep strong and commited and keep up the fight if you want your marriage to survive. It is possible to rebuild and have a more wonderful marriage then before but it will take a lot of effort and patience and in the end both of you willing to try.

Seeing that your both going to counseling and dating again and making an effort id say you are already ahead. The road before you will not be easy it will be hard, very hard but in the end it will be worth it.

[krcp]

this week has been soooo hard. last night he told me he is applying for a temp job in hawaii (3-6 months). I feel like he is trying to run away. I have suspicions that he is still seeing her. I feel like he is still hiding things from me. I see no good of him going to hawaii and being that far away me. I feel like I am being pushed in the opposite direction I was hoping for. I feel like being done. It's almost been 4 weeks and he is showing absolutely ZERO remorse.

[annewandering]

Will she be going with him? If not maybe it would be a good idea. I dont know. If he is away from his support structure he may come to value it more. If not then pft to him.

[Guest]

Go do a lot of reading on John's link, especially the forum for newly betrayed.

[garryw]

Been there done that. Pretty much the same situation you describe. If you get the feelings things will be OK, and get better, that's because they will. Did for me. Perhaps not in the way I expected though.

[Heber13]

Keep doing what you are doing and try to read about how to get through such a crisis like this in your life, use the marriagebuilders resources, use the marriage counseling, and talk to family, as much as you can.

While doing all that, also work on yourself. You may need to prepare for a big change in your life, and you need to be strong and independent, and know how to make right choices. You can't be taken advantage of, or be pressured to forgive. It has to come from in your heart, and you may realize the best thing is to move on, or the best thing is to forgive and love unconditionally.

Either way, you will need to be strong. Make sure you work on things to help you develop that inner strength (healthy things, like exercise, journal writing, reading, studying, social friends, etc)...and of course, start thinking of your children and how you'll handle them and their needs.

[krcp]

So for the last 2 weeks I have felt strongly that I am done...I'm still not rushing to file the papers just yet, I need to know 100% that I am done. And every time I speak to him, I am pushed closer and closer in that direction. And I cannot even tell you the amount of peace I am feeling since that is what I started praying for as my decision. While I know I am not perfect, I have been doing everything I can. I go to the temple weekly, pray, study, try reading lots of stuff online, etc. But I feel I am the ONLY one committed to make it work and I have had enough. I feel like he is just trying to manipulate me. I told him a week ago that I think I'm done. And after our date we talked for an hour...probably one of the best talks we've had, but it was about moving on and eventually dating other people. It was strange. He said he was excited for me to want to move on and find someone else.

He is looking for his own place now (he's been living with his parents this whole time). And he just keeps drinking more and more and it hurts so bad. He'll text me pictures of a bottle of wine, or whatever, and then a picture of himself drunk and he looks awful. I hate to say it, but I look at these pictures, and I feel nothing for him. I miss him so much...I miss the old caring him...not the cheating, drinking, no regret him. He says this is the new him and I told him I don't like it. I feel like he is doing counseling just say he can say he "tried" everything he could, when all that happens is he goes and blames everything on me. I am done. I'm sick of being cut down, and mocked, and made to feel worthless. I deserve so much better than this. I thought it would take me more time to feel like this, but I know Heavenly Father is carrying me through this and helping me know what I need to do for me and the kids. I know I will be ok...even if it's without him! I can't even begin to tell you all the amount of stress that has been lifted from my shoulders since he walked out the door!

[Heber13]

My heart goes out to you. The change will be difficult, but it is easier when you have that confirmation God knows your heart, and is telling you that it will be OK.

But I'm sure it won't be easy. You're in my prayers.

[John11111]

Sorry to hear things are not working out for you. Marriage takes two people and you cant make the marriage work on your own. Pray and listen in the end the choice is between you and the lord he will guide you.

[Dixielee]

I am sorry you are having to go through this trial. It does sound like he is intentionally trying to hurt you by sending you texts of himself getting drunk. I think he wants you to go berserk over his drinking so he can "justify" to himself that you are the problem.

I lived with and loved an alcoholic and it is not an easy life. He was a pillar of the community, a supervisor in his job and everyone thought he was the greatest, especially his new girlfriend. His public and private lives were polar opposites.

He may not think he is an alcoholic, but he most definitely is displaying those characteristics.

Have you thought about Al Anon meetings? It is for family and friends of alcoholics. You will find wives who are going through similar problems. You will see patterns in his behavior you never noticed before as you discuss his behavior and hear other stories.

They helped me understand him and I was able to separate my good decisions from his bad decisions. I was able to stop blaming myself for everything. My husband convinced me that if I was a better mother, housekeeper, lover, income provider, etc. then he wouldn't have to drink.

In any case, it sounds like you have done all the right things, taken the right steps to try to put things back on track. You can't save a marriage by yourself, but you can save yourself and your children.

Yes, you have been badly hurt and your faith in marriage has been shaken to the core, but you can survive this, you must survive this. The alternative is rolling over and dying, and you can't do that. You have children to raise. You have examples to set.

Concentrate on healing yourself and your children right now. Go through the motions of life and you will eventually find the peace you are seeking.

I wish you peace in your adversity.

[Still_Small_Voice]

If you have not gotten a test for sexual transmitted diseases I would. I am very sorry to hear that your husband has left you and your children. I pray that God will help you through this awful time in your life.