Want what you can't have?

[GregOstertag]

Mostly for the ladies:

Is there any truth to the claim that women want what they can't have?

Meaning, are women more attracted to the guy that's the bad boy, or doesn't seem all too interested in you? Compared to the nice guy who is trying to do all the right things, so to speak.

From what I am experiencing/hearing, it seems most girls get bored with the guy who does all the right things, and are more interested in the guy who, in a sense, doesn't treat them like a celebrity.

[Guest]

Only immature women who aren't yet worth having themselves.

[Guest]

Mostly for the ladies:

Is there any truth to the claim that women want what they can't have?

Meaning, are women more attracted to the guy that's the bad boy, or doesn't seem all too interested in you? Compared to the nice guy who is trying to do all the right things, so to speak.

From what I am experiencing/hearing, it seems most girls get bored with the guy who does all the right things, and are more interested in the guy who, in a sense, doesn't treat them like a celebrity.

There's no truth to the claim that women want what they can't have. There's more truth to the claim that women have this desire to care for somebody by "fixing" them. So they go for the bad boys thinking they'll be the dream girl that can get them to do good.

[Jennarator]

The only truth to this is if you add the word "some" Some women are attracted to such men. Not a stereotype or anything. I think these "some" women are often from families that are in some way dysfunctional, even slightly. Perhaps they were ignored as a child or at least felt it and wanted their dad to pay more attention to them. Then I could see them wanting they gut that isn't into them. This might not me a conscious thing but occurring more on a subconscious level. So the girl might not realize it at all.

[Bini]

In my teens I got caught up with some less than desirable characters. Honestly, I'm not sure what drew me to them. I grew up in a very loving household, I knew I was loved, I had what I needed. I think in my case, it was primarily a rebellious thing, my parents were/are very active LDS and I was an extremely headstrong/strongwilled teenager - when they said NO to something, I did just that :]

[Guest]

In my teens I got caught up with some less than desirable characters. Honestly, I'm not sure what drew me to them. I grew up in a very loving household, I knew I was loved, I had what I needed. I think in my case, it was primarily a rebellious thing, my parents were/are very active LDS and I was an extremely headstrong/strongwilled teenager - when they said NO to something, I did just that :]

Oh no, Bini! You have a daughter! My mom always said, "Just wait until you have a daughter! She will pay you back ten-fold the trouble you give me!" I have 2 sons. I think I got saved! :D:D

[Misshalfway]

You know why girls aren't so "attracted" to nice guys? (only an opinion from my experience being a girl)

Because "nice" isn't a challenge.

What I mean is that sometimes "nice guys" are pleasers, who lack confidence (dating/sexual confidence), and act submissive to the women they want. They often date with the energy of fear. Like "maybe she won't like me so I better be super nice". And because they "need" the girl to approve of them, it makes them appear too available and well.....weak. And sometimes they are so worried about making a mistake that they are boring and stuffy.

I think what women see in "bad boys" is confidence and testosterone and fun. That is what attracts them. Don't get me wrong...this infatuation usually leads to misery down the road. And don't get me wrong...women want a man to respect them. But they also want someone who can rev her engine a little. It's all biology and evolution, my friend. Girls chase testosterone the same way boys chase blondes.

You pickin up what I'm laying down?

Edited June 21, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Vort]

Girls chase testosterone the same way boys chase blondes.

Funny, that. Sister Vort happens to be blonde, and also happens to be very beautiful. In the looks department, at least, I definitely married up. (Though to be fair, I am the plainest in an otherwise beautiful family, so the potential is there in my genes. My children attest to that.) But I never saw myself with a blonde, even though two of my sisters were blonde as children, and one remains so as an adult. I was always taken with raven hair and assumed I would marry a brunette. Funny how that works out.

(EDIT: Removing content even more off-topic than the above.)

Edited June 21, 2012 by Vort

[GregOstertag]

MissHalfWay, I think you're dead on. Are you familiar with Doc Love and his books by chance?

But yeah, I can definitely relate to that when it comes to girls that I really like. Then other girls no so much, and they're much more interested in.

I think I need to start dating with an attitude of being willing to give up the relationship at any moment. In stead of dating in fear she won't like me so I am to boring in an effort to not scare her away sorta thing.

[beefche]

Confidence is very, very, very attractive. Not arrogance or cockiness, but self confidence attracts like moths to a light.

[Guest]

I think I need to start dating with an attitude of being willing to give up the relationship at any moment. In stead of dating in fear she won't like me so I am to boring in an effort to not scare her away sorta thing.

That doesn't appeal either.

Okay, have you seen the first Spiderman with Toby McGuire? In the end of that movie, Toby gave up Mary Jane because he doesn't think it is fair to Mary Jane to have to deal with his Spidey side. That was super lame.

Now, compare that with Anakin Skywalker in Attack of the Clones. Anakin fought for Padme against all odds and married her as a Jedi. Now, THAT is a lot more attractive. A guy who will fight against all odds to win his girl... without being a stalker like that sparkly vampire (yech!).

Well, okay, Anakin went psycho in Revenge of the Sith... but that's beside the point.

[FunkyTown]

Women and men find the exact same things attractive.

Nobody wants to date anyone who is beneath them. If you fawn over a woman, it will either get very creepy or they'll think of you like a very sweet but helpless puppy dog that would be just perfect for their sister, or friend, and be shocked that you aren't in a relationship. I mean - You couldn't be in a relationship with her.

And this is how every woman you treat like that will react, because you are subliminally coming off as weak. What does this mean?

1) Have an opinion. Not an aggressive opinion. Just know what you want and go for it. When you invite her out, have a plan. Something you would have fun doing even if she weren't along. Don't just passively say "I don't know. What do you want to do?" or "I don't know. Where do you want to eat?" That will drive women crazy in the bad sense. "Nice" doesn't mean "Has no wants or desires of their own" or "Is willing to surrender everything they are."

2) Treat them like you would a best friend. Because, really, that's what your girlfriend should be. Laugh with them, joke. Don't treat them like they're made of paper and get doe-like eyes like they'll break if you say anything that isn't mealy-mouthed Goebbels baby food socialization.

3) Flirt. If you act like the perfect, sexless gentleman for 6 months, then blurt out "Ireallylikeyoupleasegooutwithme", then it will be a little bit creepy. If you never give her a reason to think of you as a mate, she will never have reason to think of you as a mate. This seems obvious, but it really doesn't appear to be.

So many times, "Nice guys" think women like bad boys. They do not. Women like confidence. They like men who are their own man. The value intelligence, directness, honesty. They want to feel sexy, and spiritual, and desired, but they also want to date someone they feel are in the same league as them. If you give off all the signs that you aren't in the same league as them, they won't be attracted.

[Misshalfway]

I think I need to start dating with an attitude of being willing to give up the relationship at any moment. In stead of dating in fear she won't like me so I am to boring in an effort to not scare her away sorta thing.

Hm. This is just another way of staying safe.

You get what I mean?

That pleasing fear thing we were talking about is a classic way of staying safe. Or a way to try and control or guarantee that the person won't get hurt/rejected. It doesn't work, but people do this because they can't stand vulnerability and they try to prevent experiencing it.

What you describe above is the same thing only in its opposite. "I don't want to appear weak so I'll hide behind the facade of See, I don't care or I don't need you. I don't need anybody. You see how there is no vulnerability in this? No showing who you really are? And no reaching to meet others to try to see who they really are?

People who are confident are ok with who and what they are flaws and all. This doesn't mean they don't feel fear that they might get rejected or that their heart might get broken. It means that they are willing to own who they really are, and that they are confident with the risk .

It's important to understand that while confidence is VERY attractive, it's not a guarantee that they girl you want will want you. What it means is that the person is safe enough within themselves to risk. These people establish the safety on the inside of themselves and don't need to control external perceptions to get the safety.

And when you got two people willing to risk and balanced enough to tolerate the fear.... you have a really good recipe for making love. OR....at least having a great time while you are trying.

So dude. Get ok with who you are. Find the balance between "nice" and "aloof". Anchor within to how much you like and accept yourself. And then get out there and bungee jump!!

Edited June 22, 2012 by Misshalfway

[Windseeker]

I understand that cultures differ as well. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a room mate of mine from France. He was very aggressive, if he liked a girl he would immediately go over and start flirting with her leaving no doubt he was totally attracted to her and was interested in pursing things further. Surprisingly there were many American girls who really liked that. Not all do of course. But from our discussions I got the impression that a nice American boy would have a difficult time finding a girlfriend in Europe because the girls expect to be chased aggressivly.

I remember reading an article on why girls like bad boys and it stated that there is something primal in how girls find themselves attracted to the "bad" boys. Bad boys are risk takers and tend to be more successful financially. If you think about it who's more likely to ask for a raise?

I'm not that way, despite the adverterous life I've lived I'm very safe and somewhat shy. I've never asked for a raise . I avoided girls who guys tended to fawn over. My first real girlfriend I met in college and her desk was always surrounded by guys trying to talk to her. I always ignored her and one day she literally drove me off the road to ask me out.

So being the way I am always seemed to work for me.

[Misshalfway]

I understand that cultures differ as well. This reminds me of a conversation I had with a room mate of mine from France. He was very aggressive, if he liked a girl he would immediately go over and start flirting with her leaving no doubt he was totally attracted to her and was interested in pursing things further. Surprisingly there were many American girls who really liked that. Not all do of course. But from our discussions I got the impression that a nice American boy would have a difficult time finding a girlfriend in Europe because the girls expect to be chased aggressivly.

I remember reading an article on why girls like bad boys and it stated that there is something primal in how girls find themselves attracted to the "bad" boys. Bad boys are risk takers and tend to be more successful financially. If you think about it who's more likely to ask for a raise?

I'm not that way, despite the adverterous life I've lived I'm very safe and somewhat shy. I've never asked for a raise . I avoided girls who guys tended to fawn over. My first real girlfriend I met in college and her desk was always surrounded by guys trying to talk to her. I always ignored her and one day she literally drove me off the road to ask me out.

So being the way I am always seemed to work for me.

IMO, we can learn something from the French. :)

[funkenheimer]

I met my wife online. We dated for almost a year and then got married. She lived out of state and we chatted (IM, text, and phone) for about a month before I decided to go meet her. She lived about 4 hours away. A colleague of mine suggested to pretend to be not interested because "girls want what they can't have." I did the opposite. I held her hand when we went to dinner and even kissed her on our first date. Later after we were engaged I told her what my colleague had said and asked her what she would have thought had I done that. She said "I would have thought you weren't interested in me and that would have been the end."

I do need to point out that my wife and I are both in our mid 30s and this is a second marriage for both of us. Neither of us were interested in playing games and knew what we wanted. If you are considering this approach to meet women maybe it's you who isn't ready for a long term relationship or marriage.