Is it possible to have married someone to actually find your real soul-mate?

[sifuentesjess]

Is it possible to have married someone to actually find your real soul-mate? I've been married 2 years, we are both members a but inactive since we've moved, but didn't get married in the temple. I kind of feel we rushed into this marriage we were dating for about 9 months after I returned from my mission and then he proposed. I am originally from Texas and my husband from New York. Throughout our 2 years of marriage we constantly would fight because he wanted to move back to New York and I didn't. All of my family is in Texas, he has no one in New York, but friends. I finally decided to look at the positives of New York, so we can stop the fighting, I found a school and work. We've been here in New York for 3 months now, I've been working, haven't started school yet. I really like it here it's different, but I've become accustomed.

Well on my trips to work on the bus I met a guy, a friend which is all I wanted, someone new to talk to. He worked across the street from where I work and he lives close to where I live so we would take the bus together. He changed jobs, but through his friends he tracked me down and asked for my number to continue talking. I told my husband he was fine with it. A few weeks later he tells me he is in love with me. I told him all I wanted was his friendship. But as he texts me it feels good to be wanted, my husband never texts me let alone calls me to tell me he loves me. This guy does, in every text he writes it. He's cried to me, telling how he feels and how he didn't think all this would be happening to him about loving me. I sometimes try to get my husband to do or say the things this other guy does, but it just doesn't happen.

Basically everything about this guy is what I've oh so hoped for my husband to do one of these many things, the texts, the calls, the many I love you's. The willing to do anything for me. I find more and more things in common with him than with my husband. I've talked to him about my beliefs in church and how I've always wanted someone to love my Heavenly Father more than he loves me. I don't know what to do, I love my husband and I don't want to hurt him, but then again I don't know if he truly loves me, I kind of feel like he rushed when he asked me to marry him and then regretted asking I think now he feels obligated to stay with me now that we're married and he's afraid of what people think.

My husband and I just get into many fights for little reasons, but it's annoying, he gets after me as if I'm a child, instead of being compassionate or letting me know of my mistakes, and it's always "my mistakes." I could care less of what people think about my marriage whether it survived or not. I just don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who feels obligated to stay with me. I've been praying constantly to find an answer from my Heavenly Father, I just don't know what to do. Has anyone gone through something similar or heard of stories of how people have met their spouses?

[mdfxdb]

What initially attracted you to your spouse? He must of had some unique qualities that made him attractive...

Of course he does't do the things this other guy does. He's a totally different person. Everyone you meet in life is going to be different. If the guy knows you are married and is still going on like this then it is a red flag. If you are not stopping his attentions then you are in effect giving your attentions/affection to someone who is not your spouse. Think about that.

Your husband will not change who he is, so why were you attracted to him? Ask yourself and evaluate those things.

You will likely not get a "revelation" from the Lord regarding divorce, you will have to figure that one out for yourself.

[NeuroTypical]

“Soul mates' are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”

― Spencer W. Kimball

In other words, if you continue to entertain such notions about this guy you are not married to, you are merely setting yourself on a path which may land you the next guy to fight with about stuff. And second marriages bust up quicker and more often than first marriages.

Got kids?

[sifuentesjess]

No I don't have kids. But you know my husband is constantly calling out divorce or separation in every argument. He often says we should go our separate ways because I cannot change (me) in the little things like organization, or money things. Yes I like to buy me things, but I make sure all the bills are paid, I'm not out spending money I don't have. So if I'm married to someone who can't accept me for who I am and is driving me away I should just stick with it?

[Dravin]

I find it odd that your idea of a soulmate is a man who pursues a married woman.

[Bini]

Your marriage has zero chance of mending if you continue to have a relationship with this 'other guy'.

[Anddenex]

Is it possible to have married someone to actually find your real soul-mate?

No. As L_M shared, soul mates are a fictional term that people have made up which believe the illusion that if you find a soul mate your marriage will be perfect, without fights, frustrations, etc...

I just don't want to live the rest of my life with someone who feels obligated to stay with me. I've been praying constantly to find an answer from my Heavenly Father, I just don't know what to do. Has anyone gone through something similar or heard of stories of how people have met their spouses?

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I wish you the best in your effort to find happiness.

[Connie]

You are unlikely to get the validation for divorce you seem to be seeking on an LDS forum. The LDS people tend to take marital vows very seriously whether they were made in a temple or not. See this link: LDS.org - Support Materials Chapter - Divorce as well as this link: Divorce - general-conference

[prisonchaplain]

What the OP describes is romanticism. There is this idea that romantic love is a force, an power, a spirit unto itself. If one finds this allusive experience, all else is to be forsaken for it. In essence, it is the secular world's "pearl of great price." Marriage, faith, morality, family--all can be abandoned to achieve true romance--aka, that one "soul mate."

Since I'm not LDS, I can use more blunt terms--romanticism is a lie from the pit of Hades. It is selfish, and calls one to the antithesis of biblical love. It replaces love of others with "self-actualization." Frankkly, as manifested in the OP, I find it evil (not the OP--this so-called "soul mate" concept).

Mutual counseling, mutual prayer, separate counseling, separate prayer, scripture studies, the wise spiritual advice of bishops, home teachers, trust LDS friends--anything but to pursue the kind of man who would chase after a married woman.

Edited November 12, 2012 by prisonchaplain

[Guest]

"Soul mates" is created, not found. And it all starts with a conscious decision to be one.

~anatess.

Edited November 12, 2012 by anatess

[NeuroTypical]

So if I'm married to someone who can't accept me for who I am and is driving me away I should just stick with it?

That's a hard decision. Surely nobody here can make it for you, and I don't think any of us can really judge you for whatever you decide to do.

If you do end up divorcing, I would spend much serious time on Dravin's observation. Until you figure out your part in marring this guy in the first place, and your part in ending the marriage, you're at risk of just doing the same dance over again with the next guy.

Kudos for not bringing children into this. Life gets so very unfair for them in such situations.