Inactive with a testimony

[JosephP]

I've asked to be released from my callings and plan not to attend meetings. I know the church is true, that God is God and all the rest. It's just that in my loneliness I can't keep sitting there listening to talks and lessons about loving families, supporting your spouse, and all of that. I despise being a single adult in a family church. Way too old for YSA. Most other SA I know have children, siblings, etc. who are members. I'm alone in this and I'm tired of being the outsider both inside the church and out. I'm tired of being rejected by women I meet for being LDS, and I've exhausted the local area of single sisters. My last long distance relationship was a disaster and I won't ever attempt that again.

I know all about "in God's time" but it falls like empty platitudes on me now. I'm hurt, angry and simply unwilling to listen to happy families telling happy family stories. It mocks my pain and isolation.

Again, its not about losing faith, it is simply the complete absence of any hope. I know it appears I am giving up, but inside it feels like I've just been beaten down.

[beefche]

I understand your loneliness and what it means to be single in this church. What I have never understood is the willingness to break covenants because of the feelings of loneliness. I hope things get better for you.

[annewandering]

I reached a place of having absolutely no hope once. Its a very empty lonely place to be. What changed it for me was talking to the missionaries. They came by and were talking to us and asked if we would like to hear the lessons again. Sometimes I feel like we are wasting the missionaries time since we are believing members but sometimes we just need a boost so we, in this case my husband, accepted. At the time I remember not wanting to hear them. It seemed like it would be too painful. I do not remember what they said but it reached me. An answer is out there that will give you peace as well.

Yesterday I discovered a friend of mine from college lost her husband last year. I never knew him but I did know that he was a treasure. My friend is about 10 years older than I am so about 70. How I found out is she is on my facebook and I noticed she has become more active lately. Then I read how she had gone to a singles luncheon and had enjoyed it. A little investigation and I found her husbands obit online. It struck me that here was a 70 year old woman stepping out of her comfort zone and just enjoying herself. I dont think I could have done it.

Edited December 12, 2012 by annewandering

[RMGuy]

I wish you all the best Joseph. Over the last several years I have learned that spiritual journeys are very individual. The church is there to assist on that road, but that it does not work for everyone seems to also be true. May you find happiness, peace, and joy.

-RM

[Guest]

Would it help if you think of the entire Ward as your family? That would be the coolest thing - as a single Adult, you can join any of the families in the ward you like to join. I could sure use some help with mine.

[JosephP]

I understand your loneliness and what it means to be single in this church. What I have never understood is the willingness to break covenants because of the feelings of loneliness. I hope things get better for you.

Not taking the sacrament is an major issue for me to be sure. I'm not sure what other covenant you're referring to. I don't think I can fully express how painful the experience is, to dismiss it as feeling lonely leads me to believe I haven't adequately expressed what it is like.

[JosephP]

Would it help if you think of the entire Ward as your family? That would be the coolest thing - as a single Adult, you can join any of the families in the ward you like to join. I could sure use some help with mine.

I've done that, works fairly well until you realize you've become the creepy guy trying to find someone to sit next to a the Christmas party. It's become easier to just not go. I felt humiliatingly ignored at this years party. I'm not sure why so many people think that after years of trying to reach out, to fit in, the failure rests with me that I'm not fellowshipped.

[Backroads]

While I feel for you and agree that spiritual journies are extremely personal, I can't help but think of that story about taking a hot coal from the others in the fire, where it eventually loses its heat. I advise you to not accept this is a permanent state for you.

As for the sacrament, would it be possible to request it be brought to you?

[beefche]

I was single woman in the church for over 20 years (my whole adulthood). I think I have an understanding of the pain you are experiencing. As a woman, it was painful as well because I knew that my biological clock was ticking louder each year as I listened to woman after woman praise motherhood. Mother's Day was especially painful, especially after I lost my own mother.

What I found that helped me was to lose myself in service. I mean that seriously. As I sat in church meetings, I would find myself starting to focus on my own loneliness and start thinking bad thoughts, "Well, good for you Sister Smith. I'm glad you have the perfect husband, perfect children, and perfect life...." So, I worked on changing those thoughts to something either productive or positive. I would read my lesson, read the scriptures, focus on how to help another family during a difficult time, etc.

It didn't change overnight, but eventually I found joy in the family oriented church. I found comfort knowing that the church does focus on families so much. So, I began to focus on how I can contribute to that without a traditional family.

As I said, I wish you the best. Only you can find joy in your life. No one, not the Church, not a girlfriend/wife, or a friend can find you happiness. So, I wish you the best in your journey.

[Guest]

I've done that, works fairly well until you realize you've become the creepy guy trying to find someone to sit next to a the Christmas party. It's become easier to just not go. I felt humiliatingly ignored at this years party. I'm not sure why so many people think that after years of trying to reach out, to fit in, the failure rests with me that I'm not fellowshipped.

It seems like you haven't made a bond with any of the families there. My hope was that one family - or two or three - will adopt you as the favorite uncle. Then it won't be that you're going to feel like the creepy guy who is always inserting yourself in somebody's table but that you'd be the uncle that everybody is fighting over who gets to have you at their table. Your ward sounds cliquish!

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I have cousins....

[rameumptom]

Sounds like you are going to Church for all the wrong reasons, and then blaming those who attend for not only being happy, but for intentionally mocking you.

You need to quit acting the victim here. You are not a victim. Nor are the ward members intentionally trying to make you miserable. Go visit a therapist for the depression you obviously have. Then take charge of your life, accept your current situation, and focus on the things you CAN change right now: such as developing talents, getting involved in some classes or activities unrelated to the church, where you can meet people your own age and have fun, etc.

[JosephP]

It seems like you haven't made a bond with any of the families there. My hope was that one family - or two or three - will adopt you as the favorite uncle. Then it won't be that you're going to feel like the creepy guy who is always inserting yourself in somebody's table but that you'd be the uncle that everybody is fighting over who gets to have you at their table. Your ward sounds cliquish!

I have cousins....

That would be the ideal. There are some couples my own age I associate with, but no young families with kids. This year the handful of people I know didn't attend the party. It was an especially creepy feeling standing by myself for fifteen minutes before asking someone if I could join them. I simply won't do that again.

Of course this isn't about social interaction. It's about feeling real pain and isolation during talks and lessons. Last Sunday I simply hid out on my iPhone during church. Felt like a real hypocrite, that's when I knew I can't keep doing this.

[Seminarysnoozer]

I've asked to be released from my callings and plan not to attend meetings. I know the church is true, that God is God and all the rest. It's just that in my loneliness I can't keep sitting there listening to talks and lessons about loving families, supporting your spouse, and all of that. I despise being a single adult in a family church. Way too old for YSA. Most other SA I know have children, siblings, etc. who are members. I'm alone in this and I'm tired of being the outsider both inside the church and out. I'm tired of being rejected by women I meet for being LDS, and I've exhausted the local area of single sisters. My last long distance relationship was a disaster and I won't ever attempt that again.

I know all about "in God's time" but it falls like empty platitudes on me now. I'm hurt, angry and simply unwilling to listen to happy families telling happy family stories. It mocks my pain and isolation.

Again, its not about losing faith, it is simply the complete absence of any hope. I know it appears I am giving up, but inside it feels like I've just been beaten down.

The absence of hope is called despair. Despair is the victory slogan of Satan.

Nobody on this forum can change your situation and so I also wouldn't pretend to give you advise on how to do something I have no control or power over. The one thing that I will do though is pray that you can overcome the feelings of despair because that is the shackles that can alter your spirit's personality and desire permanently. Through Christ we can overcome the world. That doesn't mean that we will be victorious necessarily in this life but that in the end we will win. If one continues to desire the things that they desired before even coming here, such as family and being part of the Celestial family then God will give them what they want. Despair changes what a person wants whereas hope keeps the righteous desires unchanged. This is why we hope all things. Maintaining hope supersedes whether a person is successful in completing the task or not as God judges us based on the desires of our heart.

Lucifer was upset that he couldn't have what he thought he deserved at that moment in the war in Heaven. The anger and despair he had for not getting something he thought he should get right then and there destroyed his chances of ever getting it in the future. He wants to pass on that same sorrow to everyone in the world. He does this in different ways to everyone. Some people it is by loneliness, others it is by same sex attraction, others it is by some horrible disease, etc. We all face it in different ways.

The Celestial Kingdom is filled with people who can enjoy the success of others. The way our joy can be eternal is that it can be done vicariously. If one truly loves their neighbor as their self, then their successes will also be enjoyed as if it is their own. That is why that is the greatest (and one of the most difficult) commandments. We should be happy for anyone's success around us and realize that it is to our blessing as well. We are not diminished in any way if someone around us is successful. If anything it bolsters our blessings and we can share in it.

I did not get married until a later age, later than average because I focused on my education. I have a glimpse of what you are going through. But I am glad I didn't shun the idea completely that I could someday get married and have a family. I would have turned down my future husband when he asked me to help him with some of his homework but maintaining some hope about family I realized his request wasn't really about homework.

Our future (meaning the result after the second estate is completed), to a great part, is a self fulfilling prophesy.

[zippy_do46]

I agree with beefche. You are the only one that reach beyond the norm and fit in. I believe that you can find yourself and what our Heavenly Father wants for you through service. Service is what brought me back from being less active for a number of years. The more I did for others, the less lonely I felt. I had a family. My problem was my family did not fit in with what I thought the Church family should be. Since I realize I could not change others only myself I became very lonely trying to attend Church.

One day the talks were on Service in Sacrament. Suddenly a small voice told me this is what I needed to do. I volunteered for a project. This was so different from anything I had ever done. I always done what they asked me to do. I just did not volunteer for anything. I then was put in a position where I saw needs that others did not see. I realize that sometimes we can be a voice for those who can not speak. After all who would have thought a woman with a husband and 2 children could be lonely?

These are the Holidays and sometimes at this time you never know what your actions can do to help. Get out there and help. Help that elderly sister who can not put her lights up on her house. Share a meal with that brother who has no one. Offer the drive the missionaries to appointments. Work in a soup kitchen. Be a secret Santa for those in need. Take color books and colors and batteries for small games to the hospital for those children who can not leave the hospital during these days.

Another thing that kept me going was that I had a picture of Jesus in the Garden that flash at me in my mind when I felt sorry for myself. Then another picture of Jesus always sharing himself.

Peace be with you.

[JosephP]

Sounds like you are going to Church for all the wrong reasons, and then blaming those who attend for not only being happy, but for intentionally mocking you.

You need to quit acting the victim here. You are not a victim. Nor are the ward members intentionally trying to make you miserable. Go visit a therapist for the depression you obviously have. Then take charge of your life, accept your current situation, and focus on the things you CAN change right now: such as developing talents, getting involved in some classes or activities unrelated to the church, where you can meet people your own age and have fun, etc.

Yup, no doubt I agreed with you for a long time. I've been Mr. Smiling Single Adult Rep, "let's all take personal responsibility and get involved" for two years now. After my life entered a new phase of misery I'm just done pretending the happy "in God's time" attitude.

. I can assure you, the loss of hope isn't a choice, nor is it victim mentality. If my situation is offensive to you, perhaps its due to your lack of understanding, or my inability to explain. I appreciate you're attempt to help, but from my perspective you're off the mark. I've got a background in behavior modification and have tried all the standard self help routines.

[Traveler]

I've asked to be released from my callings and plan not to attend meetings. I know the church is true, that God is God and all the rest. It's just that in my loneliness I can't keep sitting there listening to talks and lessons about loving families, supporting your spouse, and all of that. I despise being a single adult in a family church. Way too old for YSA. Most other SA I know have children, siblings, etc. who are members. I'm alone in this and I'm tired of being the outsider both inside the church and out. I'm tired of being rejected by women I meet for being LDS, and I've exhausted the local area of single sisters. My last long distance relationship was a disaster and I won't ever attempt that again.

I know all about "in God's time" but it falls like empty platitudes on me now. I'm hurt, angry and simply unwilling to listen to happy families telling happy family stories. It mocks my pain and isolation.

Again, its not about losing faith, it is simply the complete absence of any hope. I know it appears I am giving up, but inside it feels like I've just been beaten down.

There is something about life that doing the right thing is seldom the easiest or the funnest thing. There is a saying in Islam - "If the mountain will not come to Mohammad; then Mohammad must go to the mountain.

I think it is really swell that you have decided to change your life to accommodate your predicament - But I think you are changing something that will make your predicament worse - not better.

The Traveler

[Guest]

Maybe meds to get you through this rough spot are in order, self-help notwithstanding. You sound very severely depressed to me and I know when I'm in a deep depression, my thinking is altered and it's hard to see anything but my despair.

[JosephP]

The absence of hope is called despair. Despair is the victory slogan of Satan.

Nobody on this forum can change your situation and so I also wouldn't pretend to give you advise on how to do something I have no control or power over. The one thing that I will do though is pray that you can overcome the feelings of despair because that is the shackles that can alter your spirit's personality and desire permanently. Through Christ we can overcome the world. That doesn't mean that we will be victorious necessarily in this life but that in the end we will win. If one continues to desire the things that they desired before even coming here, such as family and being part of the Celestial family then God will give them what they want. Despair changes what a person wants whereas hope keeps the righteous desires unchanged. This is why we hope all things. Maintaining hope supersedes whether a person is successful in completing the task or not as God judges us based on the desires of our heart.

Lucifer was upset that he couldn't have what he thought he deserved at that moment in the war in Heaven. The anger and despair he had for not getting something he thought he should get right then and there destroyed his chances of ever getting it in the future. He wants to pass on that same sorrow to everyone in the world. He does this in different ways to everyone. Some people it is by loneliness, others it is by same sex attraction, others it is by some horrible disease, etc. We all face it in different ways.

The Celestial Kingdom is filled with people who can enjoy the success of others. The way our joy can be eternal is that it can be done vicariously. If one truly loves their neighbor as their self, then their successes will also be enjoyed as if it is their own. That is why that is the greatest (and one of the most difficult) commandments. We should be happy for anyone's success around us and realize that it is to our blessing as well. We are not diminished in any way if someone around us is successful. If anything it bolsters our blessings and we can share in it.

I did not get married until a later age, later than average because I focused on my education. I have a glimpse of what you are going through. But I am glad I didn't shun the idea completely that I could someday get married and have a family. I would have turned down my future husband when he asked me to help him with some of his homework but maintaining some hope about family I realized his request wasn't really about homework.

Our future (meaning the result after the second estate is completed), to a great part, is a self fulfilling prophesy.

Thanks, your response was 100% related to what I'm experiencing. It's what I needed to hear. I don't imagine my situation is permanent. But right now I just can't see past the pain.

[Guest]

That would be the ideal. There are some couples my own age I associate with, but no young families with kids. This year the handful of people I know didn't attend the party. It was an especially creepy feeling standing by myself for fifteen minutes before asking someone if I could join them. I simply won't do that again.

Of course this isn't about social interaction. It's about feeling real pain and isolation during talks and lessons. Last Sunday I simply hid out on my iPhone during church. Felt like a real hypocrite, that's when I knew I can't keep doing this.

I gave the talk last Sunday. It was on Teaching Children to Understand from April's GC. Yes, my talk centered around Parents teaching their Children. I am a parent so that's what I relate to. I'm sure the same talk can be given by a single adult focusing on how single adults in the Church can help to Teach Children to Understand.

I agree with beefche, yes, it is painful and lonely to be single. And I believe it can be really difficult. But you don't need to feel hopeless. I am re-reading my notes for that talk right now. And I am imagining listening to it as a single adult. And this would be what I can see as what a single adult can do to apply the lesson... I'll give one example from my talk.

In my talk, I touched on helping children to recognize the voice of the spirit as he speaks to them. Of course, as the mother is the closest to the child (and here I make the assumption that the mother is at home with the children - we all know that's not true for everybody), she is the one usually present when the child encounters a spiritual moment. Now, if I were to think about including every situation into that talk, I would have to make a thousand exceptions. That would be impossible to do. It would be a lot more beneficial for the single mothers, working mothers, husbands of dead mothers, and those without children to tailor the talk to apply to their specific circumstance...

So, pretending I'm a single adult - this is what goes on in my head - I can help children recognize the voice of the spirit as I encounter them in my sphere of influence - when I get the opportunity to teach them in Primary/Youth/Scouts/Church Activities/baby sitting/family reunions etc. etc. If those opportunities are completely absent in my life, then I can help adults create opportunities for their children to feel the spirit... like, volunteering to wake up at 5:30AM to drive the kids to seminary or something.

Yes, as a rare bird in the ward, it takes a lot of effort for you to tailor the opinions and lessons of the majority to your specific situation. And it can be depressing. But, while I was giving that talk last Sunday, I was standing right infront of the only black person who is active in my ward. I would really feel terrible if he became inactive because he feels different and lonely.

I feel that loneliness sometimes as a Filipino living in American society. Even in my own home. For example, my husband and children don't like Filipino food on a regular basis. Filipino food to them is "party food". I haven't eaten rice in over a month! I miss Filipino food. But, I am not going to leave my family because of it. How does this relate to your situation? This is my way of saying - there are things that are more important than our loneliness. My family is more important than my yearning for things Filipino. Our covenants with Jesus Christ (to partake of the Sacrament and fulfill our baptismal covenants) is more important than our loneliness. And Jesus Christ is hope. He is love. He is joy. He is who we need to cling to when all else fails.

Edited December 12, 2012 by anatess

[JosephP]

I wish you all the best Joseph. Over the last several years I have learned that spiritual journeys are very individual. The church is there to assist on that road, but that it does not work for everyone seems to also be true. May you find happiness, peace, and joy.

-RM

I don't imagine my situation will be permanent. There's some hope left I guess, I can believe that some day it will change.

[dahlia]

I've done that, works fairly well until you realize you've become the creepy guy trying to find someone to sit next to a the Christmas party. It's become easier to just not go. I felt humiliatingly ignored at this years party. I'm not sure why so many people think that after years of trying to reach out, to fit in, the failure rests with me that I'm not fellowshipped.

I'm sorry you felt humiliated. I wonder if there isn't something else going on here. We had a number of single adults at our party (me included). Some sat with each other, others sat with families, either because they knew them or that's where there was a place at the table.

Do you have children? Even though my son is an adult, I can contribute to discussions about children, having raised one. Sometimes the young folks just need to hear that the kids will turn out alright and that they don't have a budding serial killer just because one child likes to bash his siblings on the head. Can you contribute to the discussions as the voice of wisdom?

I wonder if it is different for men than women? I wish there were more single, older men in my ward, but there aren't. I have become friends with a couple of families and it seems very comfortable, but again, maybe with men it's different.

I wish you luck. It's not easy being single in the Church, but it doesn't have to be soul-crushing either.

[Windseeker]

Hey Joseph,

Last Saturday was our ward Christmas party. Earlier that day my wife and I argued about expectations for the kids, (I think hers are unreasonably too high and she thinks mine are too low) and she basically wouldn’t listen to me and told me to leave the kitchen. Unable to vent my frustrations and also being fed up with the lack of love, kindness, forgiveness in the home it just cooked in me all day long. I found myself listening to the Christmas program till I was overwhelmed with anger and frustration. All the love and perfect families in the ward and blah blah blah. I left church without telling my wife and wandered 6 miles in flip flops to the beach where I crashed in front of a hotel on a recliner. I got drenched by a passing rain cloud and sat there shivering looking at the stars wondering what it would be like to see them from underneath the waves. I contemplated ending my life and ignored the texts and calls that were coming to me from my family. I knew I couldn’t do that since I’m all my four kids have and walked 6 miles back to my house with sprained and blistered feet. I swore I wasn’t going to church that I was done. What’s the point of going to Church when no one cares to apply it in their life?

When I woke up I had one word going thru my mind and it was Duty. I remembered something said in conference about how ” I dreamt that life was joy and woke and found that life was duty. I did my duty and found that duty was joy”.

I got up early and got the kids ready for Church, attended all my meetings and even went to choir practice.

Guess what..life still sucks right now. But I’m going to focus on Duty. If there is no joy in this life perhaps I can wait for joy in another life.

Sincerely ..a married guy who often feels he would be happier alone

[JosephP]

Hey Joseph,

Last Saturday was our ward Christmas party. Earlier that day my wife and I argued about expectations for the kids, (I think hers are unreasonably too high and she thinks mine are too low) and she basically wouldn’t listen to me and told me to leave the kitchen. Unable to vent my frustrations and also being fed up with the lack of love, kindness, forgiveness in the home it just cooked in me all day long. I found myself listening to the Christmas program till I was overwhelmed with anger and frustration. All the love and perfect families in the ward and blah blah blah. I left church without telling my wife and wandered 6 miles in flip flops to the beach where I crashed in front of a hotel on a recliner. I got drenched by a passing rain cloud and sat there shivering looking at the stars wondering what it would be like to see them from underneath the waves. I contemplated ending my life and ignored the texts and calls that were coming to me from my family. I knew I couldn’t do that since I’m all my four kids have and walked 6 miles back to my house with sprained and blistered feet. I swore I wasn’t going to church that I was done. What’s the point of going to Church when no one cares to apply it in their life?

When I woke up I had one word going thru my mind and it was Duty. I remembered something said in conference about how ” I dreamt that life was joy and woke and found that life was duty. I did my duty and found that duty was joy”.

I got up early and got the kids ready for Church, attended all my meetings and even went to choir practice.

Guess what..life still sucks right now. But I’m going to focus on Duty. If there is no joy in this life perhaps I can wait for joy in another life.

Sincerely ..a married guy who often feels he would be happier alone

Yeah, I understand Duty, I come from a background where duty first was reality. But so is honor, and I feel dishonest in parroting back lessons of love and togetherness to my home teaching families from a heart filled with anger and bitterness. In fact it was knowing that I was scheduled to meet with a home teaching family after church Sunday that made me realize I can't keep pretending I feel the love. I sent a substitute.

Like I said, its not my testimony. You want an inspiring talk on the restoration, I can do that. Speak on happy loving families, the words would choke in my throat right now.

[JosephP]

I'm sorry you felt humiliated. I wonder if there isn't something else going on here. We had a number of single adults at our party (me included). Some sat with each other, others sat with families, either because they knew them or that's where there was a place at the table.

Do you have children? Even though my son is an adult, I can contribute to discussions about children, having raised one. Sometimes the young folks just need to hear that the kids will turn out alright and that they don't have a budding serial killer just because one child likes to bash his siblings on the head. Can you contribute to the discussions as the voice of wisdom?

I wonder if it is different for men than women? I wish there were more single, older men in my ward, but there aren't. I have become friends with a couple of families and it seems very comfortable, but again, maybe with men it's different.

I wish you luck. It's not easy being single in the Church, but it doesn't have to be soul-crushing either.

Yes it is different for men than women, just as it is different for singles with children and siblings than those of us completely alone. I understand the hesitation to befriend single men and I certainly don't blame anyone. But that understanding doesn't help with the endless day after day of isolation.

[JosephP]

There is something about life that doing the right thing is seldom the easiest or the funnest thing. There is a saying in Islam - "If the mountain will not come to Mohammad; then Mohammad must go to the mountain.

I think it is really swell that you have decided to change your life to accommodate your predicament - But I think you are changing something that will make your predicament worse - not better.

The Traveler

I did not mean to sound like I think this will fix anything, quite the opposite. It's consciously giving into despair. I make no pretense of it, I've lost hope, not found a better way.