Underwear & infidelity?

[MorningStar]

I keep thinking about this thread. I understand that the OP is in a difficult position, but there's something about his behavior that really bothers me. It doesn't strike as a sign of good parenting (something he's trying to establish) to engage one's ten-year-old child as an ally in the search for proof that mom is cheating. It hurts my heart that a ten-year-old has to deal with splitting parents at all, much less help gather evidence.

Yes, I have a 10-year-old and can't imagine him tracking his dad's computer activities without being prompted to. Not cool.

[Bini]

I keep thinking about this thread. I understand that the OP is in a difficult position, but there's something about his behavior that really bothers me. It doesn't strike as a sign of good parenting (something he's trying to establish) to engage one's ten-year-old child as an ally in the search for proof that mom is cheating. It hurts my heart that a ten-year-old has to deal with splitting parents at all, much less help gather evidence.

Agreed. Don't use your kids as pawns and don't force them to choose one parent over the other, regardless, of how crummy that parent is. I think children (especially young children) will often maintain a degree of loyalty to a parent, even if that parent is worthy of the "Worst Parent In History" award. You can be honest (age appropriate of course) with your kids about difficult situations without dragging them through the muck and mud.

[Truth12]

Thanks for your responses, I appreciate it...

For the record:

Let me be clear; I am NOT engaging my son in spying or finding evidence etc. I have been very aware and careful of not putting the kids in the middle (no matter how hard they try to be). My son while playing with the computer found evidence and shared it with me (I still don't know how he changed all the settings to take pics of emails & websites). He is the one noticing his mother's behavior and then reacting. He saw his mother at the library several times using the computer and then her lying about it later. At first I tried to downplay and make excuses for his mother's actions, now I am more passive. The kids come to me and tell me things (ok, everything), I do not encourage it nor do I make a big deal about it to indicate her infidelity. My son makes comments about "mom's boyfriends" whenever he gets mad at her and catches her lying (usually about coming home late or not being at work when he called her). I bite my tongue and remain neutral. His mother never has denied it to him, she changes the subject which tells him his assumptions are right. I haven't told them about all the evidence I have or the times she lied about going to work and went on dates instead. I have in no way encouraged my kids to be allies in collecting evidence or making assumptions. They trust me and share with me all their thoughts and activities, they are very careful in what they share with their mom (because of her reactions).

At some point, especially if we get divorced, the kids will find out about everything. They have already given me their assumptions (accurately) many times (without any prompts or confirmations from me); they are very observant and smart and have seen behavior changes in their mom. I don't think they have all the dots connected yet but as they get older they will be able to figure it out if they haven't already with me not saying anything. It is difficult for me simply because I can't share this info with the kids, nor do I have any support (family/friends) close by to confer with. I'm alone in this and understand I need to remain neutral where the kids are concerned even though they have a pretty good idea of what's going on.

[ZionsRodeVos]

The frustrating thing for me and you will have to keep this in mind if you do go to court and are granted custody is that the court papers may forbid you from talking about any of the evidence that you have gathered/will gather and won't provide a condition of until they are old enough to understand and so my children would ask me questions that I was not allowed to answer because the court order I had forbade it.

It is good that you and your children are able to communicate so well and I hope that continues. Be aware that their mom may at some point, if she hasn't already started, try and turn the children against you and/or use them as pawns even though you are not or simply try and get them to not tell you about some of her activities.

And yes, your children will put a lot together even though you don't tell them, once the provision forbidding me to not talk about things related to my divorce was removed I was able to talk about it with my children and was amazed at how much they had been able to figure out on their own.

I hope you can find ways to improve things for you and your children.

[John11111]

Marriagebuilders.com

Go to it now and start learning many many many people who have been thorugh your situation and can give advice or already have advice posted on how to proceed.

Investigation -

Operation Investigate - Marriage Builders® Forums

Surviving the affair -

Surviving an Affair - Marriage Builders® Forums

Recovery -

In Recovery - Marriage Builders® Forums

Divorcing/Divorce -

Divorcing/Divorced - Marriage Builders® Forums

Those are the 4 id recommend reading and informing yourself about this will better help you to navigate the difficult path you have ahead of you. If you want it to work and both of you are willing you can come back from this the information to help you through it is located at marriagebuilders. If it doesnt work out then information to help you with other courses of action are also available.

[brian111]

Hey I was reading the posts on this thread tonight. Whew... I have been through this. My now ex-wife stopped wearing her garments and had an affair with her boss. I caught her by calling a friend she was supposed to be with and the friend was absolutely not hanging out with her for a "girls night out". She denies ever sleeping with him however I am pretty sure she did. If not then probably everything but. It is not what I ever wanted to believe however in hindsight I see how much she actually lied and I don't believe much of what she ever told me. She claims she didn't want to hurt me, which is a cop out. My belief is if someone really cares about you they will tell you the truth.

I was just curious, what is your support system? A good support system is huge during something like this. Also who is on her side? Do her family members like you?

Anyways just wanted to write and say that I have been through something similar and I'm feeling for you man.

[Truth12]

I was just curious, what is your support system? A good support system is huge during something like this. Also who is on her side? Do her family members like you?

All family are over 2000 miles away, so no support system. I'm well liked by everyone (except wife). Family (both hers and mine) will have a hard time believing that she would (or could) lie or have an affair. Her image is that of a "Molly Mormon", always doing the right thing, always living the gospel. One reason having hard evidence is important. It's difficult for me to believe it, loyalty and honesty was her most descriptive/traits. She is the last person anyone would suspect of being dishonest and having an affair.

[Misshalfway]

All family are over 2000 miles away, so no support system. I'm well liked by everyone (except wife). Family (both hers and mine) will have a hard time believing that she would (or could) lie or have an affair. Her image is that of a "Molly Mormon", always doing the right thing, always living the gospel. One reason having hard evidence is important. It's difficult for me to believe it, loyalty and honesty was her most descriptive/traits. She is the last person anyone would suspect of being dishonest and having an affair.

What is your communication with your wife lately? Are you able to talk on an emotional level without defensiveness or interrogation?

[brian111]

My ex was always the "molly mormon good girl". Sometimes molly good girls think life would be more exciting if they stopped being that way. Getting it out of their system so to speak. It is selfish and destructive, though of course addictions are as well.

It is a good thing that relationships are good with your family and her family. Do you like your Bishop? He can be a huge help during this time. I would hold strong to the gospel like you never have before. This will be a rough ride.

The way I have explained it to others with my ex-wife is that it is almost like she has had the One Ring around her neck like Frodo in LOTR and watching it change her. She is such a different person now in certain ways. She is never ever wrong in her eyes it seems. It seems to always be my fault.

I would also recommend LDS and Family Services counseling. It can be a huge help if you have a good counselor. Of course they are not all created equal.

I used to listen to conference talks every night before going to bed, positive things as much as possible. Also it was important for me to stay proactive and be busy doing good things, not be idle if possible. But we just do the best we can. That is all we can do.

Anyways this hits so close to home. I wish you the best friend. Do all you can to keep the Spirit in your life :)

-- I corrected some of what I wrote in this post earlier to clarify my meanings a bit --

Edited February 26, 2013 by brian111

[redi2ride]

Hidden cams in the bed room , then go on vacation. Or a mic in her purse. That will gather what you need.It sounds like it should be easy to get too. this stuff is cheap on ebay. It is horrible what is going on in her head. IMO, leave the kids out of it. They need to see Dad as a strong man "handling" the problem in a protective manor. Not a needy victim . Get in shape dude. or at least be seen trying. Don't ask how I know. There is work all over. You just have to be willing to do it. even though it's not what you hoped for. I watched the same scenario play out with a wealthy high energy couple in our church community. It blew everyone's minds. After the dust settled. She came home. He started acting like a man who wants to be wanted and they are in love again. There is a lot of good info on these pages. No one has suggested you make a change and try your hardest to impress her. Go try to win your girl back man! Then maybe honesty will show up because she feels safe and wanted.

p.s. If you catch her red handed,and you BOTH decide to hang on. you must see a counselor to help you forgive. or you will evolve into the offender. It will take quite a while to swallow all this either way it ends up. I sent a good long prayer up for you.

Edited February 26, 2013 by redi2ride

[Truth12]

What is your communication with your wife lately? Are you able to talk on an emotional level without defensiveness or interrogation?

Communication is day to day needs and kid needs. She gets defensive over everything, cannot talk with her unless everything said (or not said) is exactly how it is in her mind. Walking on eggshells.

Sometimes molly good girls think life would be more exciting if they stopped being that way. Getting it out of their system so to speak. It is selfish and destructive, though of course addictions are as well.

I'm finding evidence that she has a history of questionable behavior that she kept hidden from the start. Looking more of a long term cover up of her history. Being older now I suppose she is either getting bolder in her behaviors/activities or I am just waking up and noticing (remember it was my son that found her craigslist ad and emails). Family will have a most difficult time believing she could cheat or lie, thus evidence is needed.

No one has suggested you make a change and try your hardest to impress her. Go try to win your girl back man! Then maybe honesty will show up because she feels safe and wanted.

Since I've found evidence that she never loved me in the beginning, I'm not sure impressing her is worth the effort. Do I want a woman that doesn't love me? [i found letters and notes written a few weeks before we got married that said "I don't love him but he is good husband material".] Further evidence suggest that from the start she was cheating on some level.

Hidden cams in the bed room , then go on vacation. Or a mic in her purse. That will gather what you need.It sounds like it should be easy to get too. this stuff is cheap on ebay

Her "friend" is constantly telling her what to look for. She no longer uses any computer at home, might have a keylogger. She changed her cell phone company to one that doesn't have detailed calls and text records. She doesn't allow her current phone out of her sight and charges it at work now. Certain times her phone is turned off (kids call me in an emergency, she won't answer). She is not techno savy in any way so I know someone else is telling her.

Thanks for your responses...

[Suzie]

. What I don't know is are these men just friends or something more.

The way I see it is like this: It is normal to have friends of both sexes but when you are hiding them from your spouse then I think there is reason to worry.

[Hie_to_Kolob]

She's having an affair. No if and or buts about it. I would absolutely try to pull her out if it. Marriagebuilders.com man. Lifesaver...marriagesaver. go there often

[OldPort]

Time to eject my friend. Do all you can to protect you children and self. Talk to your local leaders and they will be inspired to help you proceed.

[BenRaines]

A friend of mine used a sound activated recording device. The kind that will fit in your pocket. Left it under the bed. Went to work. Came home and found it was the manager of a store that he delivered to regularly that was coming over to visit his wife while he was at work.

Ben Raines

[hbrdba]

she's cheating. and you know it. I've been in your shoes, I know it form reading your post.