I think my husband has a sex addiction....

[Lmjh]

I feel like there's so much to say, sorry if its so long but here's the scoop:

We've been married 7.5 years, 3 kids, lost our little girl in 2010 at age 2, husband announced to me he no longer believes in church last year(studied anti stuff without ever telling me for four years), has struggled with pornography since he was 6- I was aware of it when we married. There's just been so much that has damaged my trust in him, he gets frustrated that I don't trust him, but how can I when he tells me to my face he is fine and tells me to look at computer history (which means nothing to me as I know how handy he is with computers)- then I look through his phone today and find Internet searches of nude and explicit pictures/videos. He lied to my face, and frankly I'm tired of it. How can a marriage work without trust? I mean, having him deny his faith and losing a daughter is hard enough on our marriage, with this added... Dishonesty, is just making this all seem completely undoable. I love him so much, we have a beautiful family and he's a good dad and husband but ..... I just don't know what to think. I want a husband I can trust, I just feel sick to my stomach and am tired of feeling like I can't trust my own husband. I am sick of feeling suspicious all the time, i know theres MB problems but he claims hes not, but with his comment a few months ago about how he doesnt see anything wrong with MB, makes me doubtful... Its more likely hes just not telling me. he gets angry and defensivr everytime i ask him.It's like he's reconstructing all his definitions of things and recreating his own moral system since he left the church and so when I ask him if he's ok and being safe, I feel he answers it in accordance to his new set of beliefs. But he thinks I'm crazy when I even start to mention ideas like that.

[BadWolf]

Others, I'm sure, will be more help in the substance of your question... But for me... When he says he's "fine"? Have you heard of this acronym, before?

Freaked Out

Insecure

Neurotic

Emotional

When someone says they're "fine"... I've learned to hear this in its place. Yet to steer me wrong. Its even more telling than "good". Good, all by itself had almost no meaning. Fine, however, usually means the opposite.

Have you been in grief counseling? If so, touching base with your counselor about what's going on with your husband may be useful.

[SoCal_Counselor]

Sorry for being naive, but what is MB?

You are absolutely correct. Trust is vital to a marriage, and from what you have said, he has destroyed that trust. Dishonesty destroys trust. Lies and hiding the truth are so much a part of pornography as well as anti-mormon literature and those who swim in those lies eventually become soaked with dishonesty.

Have you talked to your bishop yet? You don't need to "confess" all of your husband's sins as that is his job, but you can share what he has done and let the bishop know how it is affecting you and your family. The Atonement is for both the sinner, and the sinned against, and the bishop can help you to begin applying the Atonement to your life.

Counseling would also be helpful.

I referenced finding an LDS Therapist here:

A couple of places to look for an LDS counselor:

Go to LDS Counselors.net

Go to the Psychology Today website. After searching in your area, there will be something to narrow the search by religion on the left hand side. Click more, than click Latter-day Saint/Mormon.

Contact your closest LDS Family Services. Even if you don't live close, they might be able to help you with an LDS counselor in your area.

I hope that helps.

[mikbone]

Sorry for being naive, but what is MB?

Think of what goes hand in hand with pornography.

LMJH - I would trust your feelings.

You could confront him about the issue directly and demand that you put some kind of network nanny on the computer and have him give up his smart phone. He will most likely refuse. You can argue that since He started his habit at such an early age that you are concerned about your children following in his footsteps.

Check out: Internet filtering (Family Safety) - LDSTech)

Or you could live with his dirty habit.

Or you could seek local council.

I think you should talk to your Bishop.

Edited April 5, 2013 by mikbone

[skippy740]

Sorry for being naive, but what is MB?

MB probably references masturbation.

[applepansy]

I feel like there's so much to say, sorry if its so long but here's the scoop:

We've been married 7.5 years, 3 kids, lost our little girl in 2010 at age 2, husband announced to me he no longer believes in church last year(studied anti stuff without ever telling me for four years), has struggled with pornography since he was 6- I was aware of it when we married. There's just been so much that has damaged my trust in him, he gets frustrated that I don't trust him, but how can I when he tells me to my face he is fine and tells me to look at computer history (which means nothing to me as I know how handy he is with computers)- then I look through his phone today and find Internet searches of nude and explicit pictures/videos. He lied to my face, and frankly I'm tired of it. How can a marriage work without trust? I mean, having him deny his faith and losing a daughter is hard enough on our marriage, with this added... Dishonesty, is just making this all seem completely undoable. I love him so much, we have a beautiful family and he's a good dad and husband but ..... I just don't know what to think. I want a husband I can trust, I just feel sick to my stomach and am tired of feeling like I can't trust my own husband. I am sick of feeling suspicious all the time, i know theres MB problems but he claims hes not, but with his comment a few months ago about how he doesnt see anything wrong with MB, makes me doubtful... Its more likely hes just not telling me. he gets angry and defensivr everytime i ask him.It's like he's reconstructing all his definitions of things and recreating his own moral system since he left the church and so when I ask him if he's ok and being safe, I feel he answers it in accordance to his new set of beliefs. But he thinks I'm crazy when I even start to mention ideas like that.

So you see the contradiction here? See bolded compared to what you've said about your husband. How can anyone (male or female) embrace sin and be a good spouse or parent?

You need to trust your instincts. And its probably past time to talk with your Bishop.

I wish you all the best in finding help.

[mdfxdb]

First things first...Of course your husband is addicted to sex he's a man, and by definition he's addicted to sex. He is handing it poorly...

I do not condone his transgressions. He is wrong, he shouldn't be doing the things he's doing. I dissagree with some of the above posts in that you should take away his smart phone and get an internet nanny. You're not his mom don't treat him like your child.

You can't change him. You knew he had porn problems, but you still married him......Was there some reason you thought it would change?

You have some big decisions to make. I would seek out a counsler. I don't see what the bishop could offer you. They are typically not trained counslers.

[applepansy]

First things first...Of course your husband is addicted to sex he's a man, and by definition he's addicted to sex. He is handing it poorly...

I do not condone his transgressions. He is wrong, he shouldn't be doing the things he's doing. I dissagree with some of the above posts in that you should take away his smart phone and get an internet nanny. You're not his mom don't treat him like your child.

You can't change him. You knew he had porn problems, but you still married him......Was there some reason you thought it would change?

You have some big decisions to make. I would seek out a counsler. I don't see what the bishop could offer you. They are typically not trained counslers.

A Bishop can offer a referral to LDS Social Services for counseling. He can also offer spiritual support.

[mdfxdb]

My cell phone can get me to LDS Social Services for counseling. She does not need a bishop for that. Geez, first answer on this forum is "see your bishop" I'm glad I'm not a bishop. Lots of people can offer spiritual support..

[applepansy]

My cell phone can get me to LDS Social Services for counseling. She does not need a bishop for that. Geez, first answer on this forum is "see your bishop" I'm glad I'm not a bishop. Lots of people can offer spiritual support..

wow... So your advice is to NOT go to her and her husband's spiritual leader?

The OP described some serious sins that can only be resolved with the Bishop.

Also.... We don't know where the OP is. Not every state or country has access to an LDS Counselor without going through their Bishop.

[mdfxdb]

Those sins are her husbands sins. He claims to not believe in the church. If there are no LDS counslors around then she should find a competent alternative.

Really, what is the Bishop going to do/say? He will advise her to Pray, Fast, Read the scriptures, Attend the temple if she is worthy. He may put a call into the husband and try to get him to "come clean". Based on what the OP has stated I don't see the husband being overly responsive to that.

He will not advise her to leave her husband, he is probably not qualifed to give competent marital advice.

[applepansy]

Those sins are her husbands sins. He claims to not believe in the church. If there are no LDS counslors around then she should find a competent alternative.

Really, what is the Bishop going to do/say? He will advise her to Pray, Fast, Read the scriptures, Attend the temple if she is worthy. He may put a call into the husband and try to get him to "come clean". Based on what the OP has stated I don't see the husband being overly responsive to that.

He will not advise her to leave her husband, he is probably not qualifed to give competent marital advice.

Yup... that's what he will most likely say. So what is so wrong with hearing it from the Bishop?

Are you advising her to not go to her Bishop? Just because you don't see a need?

My husband has been in the Bishopric. I KNOW first hand how busy the Bishop is. I also know that good Bishops want to know, even if all they can do is pray about it. But.... let's assume for a second that her husband has a calling with the youth (just an example - use any calling with more responsibility than making copies in the library). I don't know a Bishop (current or past) who wouldn't want to know what is going on in the OPs family, as she described it here.

[mdfxdb]

I'm sure the Bishop would be concerned for his flock. He should be. I'm just saying he doesn't need to know the gory details. If the OP feels compelled to talk to the Bishop she should leave it at "we're having marital problems". All the other stuff she should leave for a professional counselor.

Why would I think/assume her husband has a calling? Don't introduce scenarios that are outside the bounds of the OP question. Your husband was in the Bishopbric, he may have first hand knowledge of how busy the Bishop is, he doesn't know what the Bishop knows, believe me he doesn't want to know..

[Lmjh]

Yea, it has crossed my mind to go talk to my Bishop... I probably will, I've just been talking with my mom who's a great support and obviously praying my heart out.

So I would've responded earlier but last night was a whirlwind because I confronted him about it. At first when I brought it up, he had no idea why I was bringing this all up and got up to walk away getting all frustrated but I told him he can't walk away from me like that especially with what I have to show him. I then handed him his phone with the pages pulled up and asked him to explain. I sat there and listened to him making excuses and whatnot instead of just owning up to his mistakes and take responsibility for them. We talked for a couple of hours and I let him explain himself, I listened.... basically his curiosity is what gets him into trouble in the first place, i told him to learn to curb his curiosity. He gets to the page and THEN he thinks how it will hurt me so he closes the page. I tell him start thinking more smartly and think BEFORE you do it how it will hurt and affect me. Then he says if he did have a sex addiction, i would have found more and a lot worse stuff... which is not necessarily true, he is very handy with computers and can get around anything. He says he's making progress... he's gone from looking at porn 4-5 hours a day before we got married to now with the occasional nude pictures of celebrities, bikini videos, etc... I do realize that things could be a lot worse, i know of people who deal with a lot worse, and at the same time this is not acceptable to me and I do not buy the excuse that "i'm just a guy", it's a cop out to me and makes it feel like it's ok because it's in their nature or whatever.

He kept saying that I'm focusing on such a small thing when it could be a lot worse. That, it should show he's trying t show that i'm more important because he turned it away and didn't indulge. Yes on the not indulging part but shouldn't even be getting that close to the edge in the first place.... No one's perfect, we all make mistakes it's part of being human, I know the important thing is that we're continuing to try and do better and progress positively.I realize that it's not a sin to be tempted, but it's what we DO about those temptations.

My trust is still rocky with him, it's going to take a while to build back up, but he's already installed monitoring things on his computer that tracks everything he does on electronics (he kinda needs his computer for work or else i would just crush it all haha and promised to go to bed with me instead of staying up late..... so, a willingness to change is good right?

And in response to MDFXDB... I realize that I can't change him, yes, and the reason I married him is because I prayed about it and got the answer that things would be ok ( not sure what that meant exactly, but I felt peace), and I saw a sincere desire in him to want to change and he was seeking help.

I don't think there's a guy out there who's not struggling with this in some way, and so what do you do in a marriage when you know you'll probably get the same situation or even worse with someone else.....

[Irishcolleen]

Pure Life Ministries offers counseling for this issue. They do offer phone counseling, too. Pure Life Ministries Home

[applepansy]

I'm sure the Bishop would be concerned for his flock. He should be. I'm just saying he doesn't need to know the gory details. If the OP feels compelled to talk to the Bishop she should leave it at "we're having marital problems". All the other stuff she should leave for a professional counselor.

Why would I think/assume her husband has a calling? Don't introduce scenarios that are outside the bounds of the OP question. Your husband was in the Bishopbric, he may have first hand knowledge of how busy the Bishop is, he doesn't know what the Bishop knows, believe me he doesn't want to know..

Of course he doesn't.

I've yet to learn why you're so adamant that people should avoid their Bishop. You don't answer my questions.

Have a great day. :)

[mdfxdb]

Of course he doesn't.

I've yet to learn why you're so adamant that people should avoid their Bishop. You don't answer my questions.

Have a great day. :)

I answered your question. I didn't say people, I was addressing the OP. See my response from prior post:

"You have some big decisions to make. I would seek out a counsler. I don't see what the bishop could offer you. They are typically not trained counslers. " read (Bishops are not trained counslors)

To OP 4-5 hours a day? You knew this and married him anyway? You are suprised/shocked/hurt that the behavior has continued? I do not discount your prayer prior to marriage, and I do not discount your feelings about it being ok. I can tell you that things will be ok if HE decides to change, and if HE works at it. Geez, are you going to go to your bishop and tell him you knew all this stuff, and are just now bent about it?

I have a sincere desire to run a marathon someday, but I haven't started training....think NIKE will sponsor me based on my sincere desire?

[Lmjh]

To OP 4-5 hours a day? You knew this and married him anyway? You are suprised/shocked/hurt that the behavior has continued? I do not discount your prayer prior to marriage, and I do not discount your feelings about it being ok. I can tell you that things will be ok if HE decides to change, and if HE works at it. Geez, are you going to go to your bishop and tell him you knew all this stuff, and are just now bent about it?

Firstly, I was a very naive girl and totally oblivious to what pornography all entailed. I grew up very sheltered to all that crap out there. like I say, very oblivious, just how I was raised. That was my problem for not knowing and asking more. Oh well, it's done. So no, I did not know he was looking it at that long, I just knew he had an addiction and he was upfront with me and told me before we got married.... where he could've just kept it from me leaving me to find out one day long after we were married. Those all were good signs to me, and many others feel the same and have married in this situation also.

[mnn727]

My cell phone can get me to LDS Social Services for counseling.

Actually from my understanding it takes a referral from a Bishop in most of the world. Besides, if you want counseling with your values in mind, you don't go to just any counselor, I know that from first hand experience.

[Windseeker]

Lmjh,

I think it's awesome that you can still focus on his many qualities. Based on what you have shared I think you are a wonderful wife. He's lucky to have your support, patience and understanding.

It's great you married him with a full knowledge of his struggles, but that does not mean you have to accept them. I'm sure the idea was that he had changed. Obviously you probably realized early on it's going to be an on going struggle.

I also think it's a good idea to seek counsel from your Bishop. He is there for a purpose despite him not having a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. ...heck sometimes that might be a good thing.

[Leah]

Yea, it has crossed my mind to go talk to my Bishop... I probably will, I've just been talking with my mom who's a great support and obviously praying my heart out.

So I would've responded earlier but last night was a whirlwind because I confronted him about it. At first when I brought it up, he had no idea why I was bringing this all up and got up to walk away getting all frustrated but I told him he can't walk away from me like that especially with what I have to show him. I then handed him his phone with the pages pulled up and asked him to explain. I sat there and listened to him making excuses and whatnot instead of just owning up to his mistakes and take responsibility for them. We talked for a couple of hours and I let him explain himself, I listened.... basically his curiosity is what gets him into trouble in the first place, i told him to learn to curb his curiosity. He gets to the page and THEN he thinks how it will hurt me so he closes the page. I tell him start thinking more smartly and think BEFORE you do it how it will hurt and affect me. Then he says if he did have a sex addiction, i would have found more and a lot worse stuff... which is not necessarily true, he is very handy with computers and can get around anything. He says he's making progress... he's gone from looking at porn 4-5 hours a day before we got married to now with the occasional nude pictures of celebrities, bikini videos, etc... I do realize that things could be a lot worse, i know of people who deal with a lot worse, and at the same time this is not acceptable to me and I do not buy the excuse that "i'm just a guy", it's a cop out to me and makes it feel like it's ok because it's in their nature or whatever.

He kept saying that I'm focusing on such a small thing when it could be a lot worse. That, it should show he's trying t show that i'm more important because he turned it away and didn't indulge. Yes on the not indulging part but shouldn't even be getting that close to the edge in the first place.... No one's perfect, we all make mistakes it's part of being human, I know the important thing is that we're continuing to try and do better and progress positively.I realize that it's not a sin to be tempted, but it's what we DO about those temptations.

My trust is still rocky with him, it's going to take a while to build back up, but he's already installed monitoring things on his computer that tracks everything he does on electronics (he kinda needs his computer for work or else i would just crush it all haha and promised to go to bed with me instead of staying up late..... so, a willingness to change is good right?

And in response to MDFXDB... I realize that I can't change him, yes, and the reason I married him is because I prayed about it and got the answer that things would be ok ( not sure what that meant exactly, but I felt peace), and I saw a sincere desire in him to want to change and he was seeking help.

I don't think there's a guy out there who's not struggling with this in some way, and so what do you do in a marriage when you know you'll probably get the same situation or even worse with someone else.....

Your last paragraph is simply not true. Not every man views pornography. There ARE men who have nothing to do with it.

I am sorry that you feel that this kind of behavior should be accepted because it is either this or something worse. That's a very jaded way to look at marriage.

[Windseeker]

Your last paragraph is simply not true. Not every man views pornography. There ARE men who have nothing to do with it.

I am sorry that you feel that this kind of behavior should be accepted because it is either this or something worse. That's a very jaded way to look at marriage.

I don't get that she feels its acceptable at all. What do you feel her purpose is in sharing her concern and frustration on LDS.net?

[mdfxdb]

Lmjh,

It's great you married him with a full knowledge of his struggles, but that does not mean you have to accept them. I'm sure the idea was that he had changed. Obviously you probably realized early on it's going to be an on going struggle.

I also think it's a good idea to seek counsel from your Bishop. He is there for a purpose despite him not having a degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. ...heck sometimes that might be a good thing.

You really think it's great she married a known addict? Of the 3 primary reasons for divorce Addiction is one of them, along with Adultery and Abuse!

By marrying him with his known problem she did in fact accept that fault in him.

Sure advise her to talk to her bishop, if it's anything more than "I need marriage counseling" Her bishop is out of his league and would be ill advised to go further than a referral to LDS family services..

[Windseeker]

By marrying him with his known problem she did in fact accept that fault in him.

She accepted that he had struggled with it in the past, I'm not so sure she accepted that it would continue.

[mdfxdb]

In her prior posts you will note he "struggled" with it 4-5 hours a day while they were dating!