Please help- civil marriage? Consequences?

[Hellothere123]

Hello,

I am new to this forum and this is my first posting. I really feel like I need advice from people who have insight, or especially those who have been through the same thing Im going through.

My fiance and I cannot get married in the temple. At least not for a year. Maybe 11 months now. We are both very active members of the church with strong convictions/ testimonies. This is a very devastating thing for us. We never, EVER thought that we would be in this situation, and we've tried hard to kick our struggles in the butt. A temple marriage from the beginning has always been our dream. We've been together for 3+ years and have been here before. We waited a whole year to get married in the temple, and then we messed up again, and here we are.

However, we have been counseled to get married civilly and have been considering our options, and which direction to go. I have found myself feeling like I could see us making it happen, and would feel relief that we could FINALLY be married, but at the end of the day and in my quiet moments when I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling deep down I just break down and cry. I cry and feel my heart breaking because I want to be married in the temple first, but because of my choices, I cannot have that right now. I love him, and I feel that the only reason I am considering getting married civilly is because I love him so much. My Bishop told me that we could use this experience as a missionary opportunity/ growing experience, and I totally see that. I am just really worried that we will have a rough start/ foundation to our marriage that would have eternal consequences.

So my questions are these:

1. Has anyone been in this situation? What did you do? How did it turn out? Do you feel like it totally messed up the first part of your marriage? Or has it been a positive experience?

2. How was your relationship with family changed? Did you feel like 2nd class members, or that your marriage was somehow not as good as others?

PLEASE HELP.

We need to make a decision as soon as possible, and I've just been feeling like I really need some sort of advice. I am praying and trying to do all that I can, and I feel like Heavenly Father just wants us to make our own decision.

Thanks guys,

Heythere123

[NightSG]

You know, the LDS Church doesn't have a monopoly on marriages that work in this life, and you've got time to upgrade later. Make the temple your goal, and just consider this another step closer to that goal.

If it helps, think of it as the next step of dating; sort of an acceptable form of shacking up :)

[Vort]

My opinion is as follows:

Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled. In the Good-Better-Best system, secular marriage is Good, or perhaps even Better. And it's better to start with Good or Better and work your way to Best than to risk losing them all.

[Backroads]

I feel that the only reason I am considering getting married civilly is because I love him so much.

Sounds like a fine reason to get married.

While I haven't been in your exact situation, my husband and I did consider a civil marriage whilst waiting for his sealing clearance--it came through faster than we expected. Even though we hadn't "done anything" I worried about "consequences" as well... until my cousin pointed out that what really matters is the sealing--whenever that will be.

While I do not want to take away the rightness of seeking a temple marriage, I want to stress the importance of the SEALING. Sometimes I worry our culture makes so much of the temple wedding that we forget it has a vital covenant happening with it.

I have had several friends, for various reasons, have a civil marriage and later have a sealing. It's not a big deal, and most of these couples made a shebang about the sealing to make it comparable to another wedding.

This might be a bit frank, but your families are probably already irked about the temple delay. If they truly love you and respect you and I assume they do, they will be willing to support you no matter what wedding you have. If you choose to have a civil marriage first and someone complains, look him in the eye and ask for support.

Sexual activities are... addicting. Now that I'm married, I don't think I could just stop for whatever period of time. In that regard, having a civil marriage (and thus condoning sexual activity) while preparing for the temple is a great idea.

Now, waiting for the temple for your wedding is a noble idea, don't get me wrong. And if that's what you want, I wish you all the support in making it happen. But waiting a year for the sealing is not going to diminish its power and meaning. There will be no eternal consequences. They only consequences are because of your slip-ups, not the time of your sealing.

[Smudge]

In the UK people have no choice but to get married in a civil ceremony before we can be sealed in the temple (because the law here is that you can only get legally married in a place where the general public can access and object to the wedding etc - or something like that).

Most people get married in the temple on the same day but not everyone does. I have a few friends who have chosen to wait the necessary year - and I don't think any of them have said that they feel like 2nd class citizens.

[Maureen]

...I am just really worried that we will have a rough start/ foundation to our marriage that would have eternal consequences....

Whether you start your married life as a sealed couple or not, only you and your future husband are the ones who can decide if your marriage will have a good foundation. A sealing will not magically make your marriage problem free. A sealing will not inoculate you from a divorce, there are plenty of sealed couples that have gotten divorced.

2. How was your relationship with family changed? Did you feel like 2nd class members, or that your marriage was somehow not as good as others?...

This is a perfect example of why the members of the LDS church must me more out spoken of why marriage is good, whether its civil or sealed. It seems so many young people have this idea that marriage without a sealing is a bad thing. It's not a bad thing, marriage is a good thing and your church Hellothere123 is all in favour of marriage. Be a happy bride-to-be and marry the man you love. Celebrate with your family and friends and then in one year go get sealed.

M.

[james12]

There is a definite stigma in the church about not getting married in the Temple and perhaps in part, for good reason. But many mistakenly treat Temple marriage, and other ordinances, as an end and not a means. Sometimes a couple receive the conditional promise in the sealing ordinance and then feel all is done. They then rarely attend the Temple. They feel they have received all the church has to offer. How foolish, how short sighted.

Perhaps in your case a civil marriage may turn to your good. It will require humility to accept your current situation and allow others to see it. It can help lead you away from the world and status symbols which have little meaning. Use these two outcomes to your benefit. Take the humility and plead to God that you may be prepared to enter into his covenant. Forget the world and the symbol and see past them both. Then, if you work at it, you will come to understand the change that needs to take place in your lives in order to not just receive the form but the actual blessing through the Holy Spirit of Promise. If you can do that, your extra year waiting will be one of the greatest blessings of your life.

So few see past the symbol. They are content with the physical ordinance. Elder McConkie clearly explains that promises given in the sealing ordinance are only conditional. To receive the actual blessings we must be sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise. It can happen in this life. Prepare yourselves for it. These are his words:

Thus in Section 132, verse 19 begins by talking of celestial marriage in these words: "If a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood," but then proceeds to consider the matter of having their callings and elections made sure by saying: "and it shall be said unto them [meaning that in addition to the marriage sealing, it shall be said unto them]—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; . . . and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever."

That is to say, after celestial marriage; after entering into sacred covenants in the house of the Lord; after receiving the conditional promise of the continuation of the family unit in eternity; after receiving power to gain kingdoms and thrones—we must so live as to receive the guarantees to which we have thus been called, and the assurances that appertain to our election, and which are given on a conditional basis only in celestial marriage. As with baptism, so with celestial marriage; after the glorious promise of eternal life that is part of each of these covenants, we must press forward in righteousness until our calling and election is made sure; and this high achievement grows out of and is the crowning reward of celestial marriage. (Doctrinal New Testament Commentary 3:332-334, emphasis added)

Edited October 6, 2013 by james12

[McLainDow]

There should be no stigmas in church.

[james12]

There should be no stigmas in church.

Agreed. I think the word stigma was a poor term to use in my previous post. Perhaps, "expectation" would be better.

[Hellothere123]

Hey,

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Its been such a blessing to have conference this weekend. There definitely is an expectation and that is very hard to go against and feel the judging eyes of others. And there IS a stigma that goes along with civil marriage, whether that makes you feel uncomfortable or not. I know it shouldn't be that way, but people are not perfect.

As far as us deciding whether or not our marriage will have a strong foundation- I know that getting sealed does not magically make our marriage problem free, but it would start our marriage with both of us at the spiritual level that we both know we want to be, and have fallen from.

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Should I lower my standard/goal I have set for myself?

Or should I accept the consequences of my actions and have I thrown away that option for myself?

Thanks guys.

[james12]

Hey,

Thanks to everyone for your responses. Its been such a blessing to have conference this weekend. There definitely is an expectation and that is very hard to go against and feel the judging eyes of others. And there IS a stigma that goes along with civil marriage, whether that makes you feel uncomfortable or not. I know it shouldn't be that way, but people are not perfect.

As far as us deciding whether or not our marriage will have a strong foundation- I know that getting sealed does not magically make our marriage problem free, but it would start our marriage with both of us at the spiritual level that we both know we want to be, and have fallen from.

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Should I lower my standard/goal I have set for myself?

Or should I accept the consequences of my actions and have I thrown away that option for myself?

Thanks guys.

It seems there is some confusion in you're post. You lowered you're standards when you did not obey the law of chastity. So, getting married civilly is a step to put you back on the right path, not take you from it.

Also, a sealing ceremony does not ensure an easier marriage. It is the commitment of a man and a woman coupled with the Lord's blessing which makes for an eternal marriage. Determination to follow the covenant comes before the blessing.

[Jane_Doe]

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. Should I lower my standard/goal I have set for myself?

Or should I accept the consequences of my actions and have I thrown away that option for myself?

If your goal was/is to be sealed in the temple, I see no reason why that would need to change if you had a civil marriage first. Yes, your actions have resulted the road you're traveling to that goal not being the fastest, but mistakes are part of this life. Being civily married to this man will not stop you from being sealed to him.

I wouldn't let an stigma (ie, unrightous judgements of others) factor into your decision to do what you feel is right.

[Backroads]

I suppose I can see a boon in getting married and sealed in the temple. But you can have just as much commitment in a civil ceremony.

Either way, you and your guy are ultimately working towards getting sealed in the temple, whether you marry now civilly or get married at your sealing.

Another way to look at it: Let's say Mr. and Mrs. Smith get married, not knowing a thing about the church. They are married for x amount of time before becoming introduced to the LDS church. They are subsequently baptized and sealed to one another.

Is anyone going to say "Congrats on getting sealed, but it's a shame you were already married for x amount of time."?

No.

Edited October 7, 2013 by Backroads

[LuciLou]

There is absolutely no shame in choosing a civil ceremony at this time in your relationship. You two are committed to each other and have been together for three years I believe you said. Every relationship is going to have their struggles and you guys know about yours. Please don't compare yourself to couples who have been together 6 months and married in the temple right away. Their struggles and temptations might not be the same as yours, not to mention the fact that of course it's going to be easier to abstain from sex when being together a much shorter time. And a couple who looks picture perfect from the outside and who is sealed, might be dealing with issues you can't see - infedility, porn, lack of intimacy in marriage, communication issues, etc. You have been together long enough to know you are a strong couple and that you can work towards your goal of being sealed in the temple for time and eternity together. And think how much you will appreciate that when the time comes.

I was married civilly and was recently sealed to my sweet husband. This is my second marriage, and the first time I got married I was 19, dated the guy for 6months and was sealed in the temple. Sure, I had the right plan in getting sealed right away but I can tell you that with my current marriage, after waiting and working together on being sealed, I appreciate it SO much more and have such a strong testimony of its power.

Sure, I hear comments sometimes from people at church who seem to think civil marriages are a sad affair and how it's so tragic they say "till death do us part". Of course I didn't like that part of my civil marriage, hearing those words. BUT luckily our wonderful bishop expounded on how much we had to look forward to as a couple and getting sealed, that we just focused on what we had to look forward to, not the fact we were "settling". Because we weren't settling, we were just using that experience as a stepping stone to our future goal.

[Guest]

My only concern is...

If you can't do what it takes to put the love of your life on the celestial path, then it is a problem. A civil marriage is not going to change that.

So, if you can't do this, then what else can't you do for Christlike love?

Marriage is hard. Abstaining from physical relations is easy compared to what you have to face in the marital eternity to come.

[Vort]

My only concern is...

If you can't do what it takes to put the love of your life on the celestial path, then it is a problem. A civil marriage is not going to change that.

So, if you can't do this, then what else can't you do for Christlike love?

Marriage is hard. Abstaining from physical relations is easy compared to what you have to face in the marital eternity to come.

Your point is very well-taken. However, the fact is that, having been married for a bit over a quarter of a century, I am now stronger in many ways, more able to deal with various issues, than I was as a newlywed at 25.

People have to start where they're at. Our modern world is designed to go against chastity: Marriage is lacking in popularity, and those who do marry are waiting until their mid- to late 20s -- ON AVERAGE -- to tie the knot. This is not a recipe for sexual virtue, but the opposite. If a couple wants to marry and finds themselves unable or unwilling (which in the end is the same thing) to maintain chastity long enough to marry in the temple, well, to slightly misuse Paul's words, it's better to marry than to burn.

[Guest]

Your point is very well-taken. However, the fact is that, having been married for a bit over a quarter of a century, I am now stronger in many ways, more able to deal with various issues, than I was as a newlywed at 25.

People have to start where they're at. Our modern world is designed to go against chastity: Marriage is lacking in popularity, and those who do marry are waiting until their mid- to late 20s -- ON AVERAGE -- to tie the knot. This is not a recipe for sexual virtue, but the opposite. If a couple wants to marry and finds themselves unable or unwilling (which in the end is the same thing) to maintain chastity long enough to marry in the temple, well, to slightly misuse Paul's words, it's better to marry than to burn.

Sure. If THAT's the only problem. But, it may go deeper than that. Because, all in all, chastity is not just abstinence. It has a lot to do with respect. The kind of respect that puts somebody else's welfare above one's selfish desires.

Better to find out now than get married and get divorced not too long after.

[Hellothere123]

Hello again,

Thanks for more responses, opinions and experiences, its allowing a good discussion and reflection of our relationship. I can be more clear, what I mean is that, yes I agree with you, I have lowered my standards through my choices, but also lowering my standard that I set for myself of getting married in the temple first, because that is a goal I set for myself years ago.

Anatess, (sorry, Im not a tech savy person, dont know how to tag lol) Thanks for your input. I agree with you to a point. We've been together for a long time and like someone said earlier its incredibly difficult after a while when you have strong feelings for someone. Further, tmi but I was molested as a young girl and have always struggled, although having a very strong testimony of the gospel, to overcome my body. My fiance and I both just struggle with it. We thankfully have no other huge issues individually and/or collectively.

I am not in any way justifying what we've done, but trying to show that a lot of times there is something much deeper within relationships/ individuals. When breaking the commandments, of course it is selfish. And it is not showing true respect for that other person involved. BUT that doesn't mean that is the original source of the sin, just a symptom of it. I hope that makes sense? lol In our case, I feel like the disrespect slowly built up over time FROM the sin, and times where we had the spirit, and turned to the Lord, that respect began to grow once again through forgiveness/ the Atonement.

Also, I know that "abstaining from physical relations" may be incredibly easy for some, but keep in mind that for reasons stated above and other reasons, many people truly live each day in their own Gethsemane because chastity is their Achilles heel, while not struggling with other things that most do.

Just food for thought.

Thanks so much guys!

[Dreams_Of_Deutschland]

I am in this situation, but for different reasons. My wife and I were married, have waited the requisite year, and still await a temple sealing. Our current Bishop informed us that we would be getting sealed on the same day that my wife receives her endowment. This put her off, as she wanted to do them in separate times and locations. Now she is having real doubts due to this Bishop and his demands. I told her we could do what we pleased, but she has really been thrown off track. Add to that the fact that we are in a ward with little enthusiasm, and she has not been given a calling for over a year.

Satan has been working on us very hard, we argue a lot, and some things were spoken which cast doubts on the desire to be sealed in the temple.

This civil vs. temple marriage thing is a difficult thing to overcome for us. I wish you the best in reaching your goal.

[Guest]

I am in this situation, but for different reasons. My wife and I were married, have waited the requisite year, and still await a temple sealing. Our current Bishop informed us that we would be getting sealed on the same day that my wife receives her endowment. This put her off, as she wanted to do them in separate times and locations. Now she is having real doubts due to this Bishop and his demands. I told her we could do what we pleased, but she has really been thrown off track. Add to that the fact that we are in a ward with little enthusiasm, and she has not been given a calling for over a year.

Satan has been working on us very hard, we argue a lot, and some things were spoken which cast doubts on the desire to be sealed in the temple.

This civil vs. temple marriage thing is a difficult thing to overcome for us. I wish you the best in reaching your goal.

Most people do it at the same time for practical reasons - one trip and you get sealed the very day you turn a year instead of having to wait another day after the endowments. Most of us don't live next door to a temple.

I don't understand how this suggestion by the bishop shakes a testimony unless it's just being used as a convenient excuse for the already lost desire for a sealing. If you prefer to go twice to the temple - once for endowments then a separate one for sealing - all you have to do is schedule it that way.

[Dreams_Of_Deutschland]

Dear anatess,

Yes, on first glance it might appear as a convenient excuse, but there are many variables that I did not mention: culture, past religious experiences, recent conversion to the church, and the very controlling manner in which this Bishop deals with women.

I refuse to push her, just as I let her find her way and convert herself, it is important to let

this happen in its own due time.

There were other factors mentioned in my post which show this is a complicated issue. I was merely trying to explain to the OP that individual situations may dictate a variation in the LDS Blueprint! Heresy, I know...

[Guest]

Dear anatess,

Yes, on first glance it might appear as a convenient excuse, but there are many variables that I did not mention: culture, past religious experiences, recent conversion to the church, and the very controlling manner in which this Bishop deals with women.

I refuse to push her, just as I let her find her way and convert herself, it is important to let

this happen in its own due time.

There were other factors mentioned in my post which show this is a complicated issue. I was merely trying to explain to the OP that individual situations may dictate a variation in the LDS Blueprint! Heresy, I know...

No no heresy at all. We each have our own unique journey to God. The important thing is that we try to follow Christ to the best of our abilities and understanding in whatever way we are capable.

[Hellothere123]

I am in this situation, but for different reasons. My wife and I were married, have waited the requisite year, and still await a temple sealing. Our current Bishop informed us that we would be getting sealed on the same day that my wife receives her endowment. This put her off, as she wanted to do them in separate times and locations. Now she is having real doubts due to this Bishop and his demands. I told her we could do what we pleased, but she has really been thrown off track. Add to that the fact that we are in a ward with little enthusiasm, and she has not been given a calling for over a year.

Satan has been working on us very hard, we argue a lot, and some things were spoken which cast doubts on the desire to be sealed in the temple.

This civil vs. temple marriage thing is a difficult thing to overcome for us. I wish you the best in reaching your goal.

Thanks for your well wishes Dreams_of_Deutschland. Sounds like a lot of smaller issues are influencing the bigger picture and goal of getting sealed. If both of you have a testimony, understanding and desire to get sealed then you should look past all the smaller distractions and focus on the most important things. Reminds me of President Uchtdorf's talk from a few conferences back called, Of Things That Matter Most. One of my favorite talks ever, I would recommend listening to it or reading it. Always helps me to prioritize and see things the way Heavenly Father would want me to. I don't know if that is any help.

Just to update, because I hate it when I'm reading a post for advice, and the original person leaves us all hangin.. we are planning our wedding for a couple months from now! Again, thank you for everyone who gave advice. After long hours of fasting and praying I've been able to come to a few spiritual truths that pertain to our personal situation. I hope that I can help others who have to go through such a hard experience in the future.

#1: We are not losing any blessings by getting married civilly. Any blessings lost are the ones we lost when we made poor choices. If anything we are gaining many blessings and still making beautiful vows with one another and Heavenly Father.

#2: Many people have said to me, "If you really loved each other then you would wait and get married in the temple". I've thought/prayed long and hard about that statement, and have felt strongly impressed with this.. "If you really loved each other, then you would (1st)keep my commandments and (2nd)get married". I've felt that VERY strongly on multiple occasions. We are both keeping the commandments now, and repenting. & then not specifically get sealed in the temple.. not specifically a civil wedding, but just MARRIED. The way I see it, even if one of us pops off in the next year, we can still eventually be sealed together because of temple work. So as far as I'm concerned, our wedding is a beautiful, honest and courageous stepping stone that is part of our celestial journey.

#3: The most important things are this when making this decision.

1. That my fiance and I keep the commandments and truly have a Christ centered home/ life.

2. That we are committed to each other.

3. That we are HAPPY.

So for those of you who are in a similar situation and are feeling overwhelmed, burdened, feel judged, or just feel like crawling into a hole and dying, ITS OKAY, AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY. Don't give up hope. The Atonement is REAL, and will help you to heal, find happiness, and peace. Never allow an experience like this to break you, allow it to make a positive impact on your life and others. Never allow others make you feel like less than what you really are. Use this experience to have Christlike love for others.

You should never, ever forget that you are a child of God.