Wanting to marry him after one month?

[Guest kaybm]

Am I crazy or not? I am beyond happy with I am with him. He makes me a better person and whenever I think of my future, he is in it. Him and I have been talking about waiting at least 6 months before getting engaged and then after that get married in December 2014. We are college students and I am going to be gone back home for four months and I believe that will be our true test for our relationship, it's going to either make us or break us. However, I feel it will make us stronger. I want to marry him because he is just a genuine guy that is amazing and wonderful. He is sweet, kind, patient, loving, understanding, trustworthy, honest, strong (mentally and emotionally), has respect for me and others, selfless and just has amazing qualities. We also have a lot of things in common. We both agreed that the reasons why we want to get married is because we want to be by each others sides for the rest of our lives, we want to come home to each other and be able to come home and discuss our days with each other and comfort and confide in each other, and just be there for each other through the thick and thin,also we want to raise a family together (but that is down the road). People are thinking we are crazy for wanting to get married to each other, but we want to commit and work through everything together. We both have a lot of things in common and feel like we have known each other for a very long time. Are we insane or do you think we aren't? I do not know how to word this question. How about opinions? By the way he is 21 and I am 18. By December 2014 he will be 22 and I will be 19. Plus, we both want to finish our educations and not have kids until 5 years after college.

[Praetorian_Brow]

This is the honeymoon infatuation stage, before the bubbles pop and the rainbows turn into shades of grey. It is a very good idea to keep the relationship for a year, as you will see all aspects of who he is.

I think the true test is finding out the negatives of the person and still remaining committed. What is happiness to you? His attention of you or your own feelings of contentment?

[Guest kaybm]

I already know some negative things. I hate when he talks about how he is ugly when he really isn't, I cannot stand when he tickles me, he doesn't really respect how his parents are trying to look out for him, and I just don't like when he tries to say we need to talk to scare me. He really is a good guy but I do know his flaws and there are more things that are negative about him but I don't want to list them all. The happiness is just being with him and being able to talk to him and it's both, I am content with him and have his attention. I give him all of my attention that I can give to him. I don't really think we are in that honeymoon stage since we do have our disagreements and have our fears and we sit down and talk them out instead of screaming our heads off or being dramatic.

[missmollymormon]

Well, I certainly dont think you are crazy, those feelings are what courtship is all about. The long run, however can be something else entirely- thats not necessarily a bad thing. There is so much to consider before marriage that love clouded eyes sometimes cannot see. Have you met his whole family? Do you get along with them very well? People tend to forget that when they marry they not only gain a partner, but they are marrying into a family as well. How does he react in stressful situations? Are you both on the same page with life ambitions? Are you spiritually compatible? There is a lot to consider.

Having said that though, knowing that someone is "the one" after only one month isnt crazy, its actually fairly common. I know of a couple that git engaged on their first date and here theg are years later with 5 kids and they are still as in love as ever.

No, I dont think you are crazy. Just stay close to the lord and hear that still small voice. I wish you all the best :)

[NeuroTypical]

I don't really think we are in that honeymoon stage

Ma'am, after one month, there is no "we". You've fallen for this guy head over heels, already have your life planned out with him. Yes, you, kaybm, are in the honeymoon infatuation stage. Might as well enjoy it, because as you say, you're about to be apart for four months.

But there's nothing really wrong with that, as long as neither of you do something stupid (like sleep with him, or cancel your plans to go home for 4 months, or something like that.)

[Bini]

Your post is the epitome of infatuation, in my opinion.

My very first recommendation is to slow down. My second recommendation is to keep your opportunities open as you're both so young. My third recommendation (because you'll probably ignore my second suggestion) is to continue the courtship for an extended time before diving into marriage vows. For some people this is 6 months, for some it's a year, it varies but 4 weeks and then into marriage is pretty quick. Periodically, my husband and I will sit across the dinner table from each other and one of us will say, "It's amazing how much better I know you from a year ago, or two years ago, or three years ago." It's true that relationships continue to develop with time but it's also true that you need to allow yourself adequate time to know enough about your potential partner before committing to be lifelong or eternal partners. Again, this varies but a few weeks seems shotgun to me.

[Bini]

To post something that goes against the odds..

My parents dated for 3 weeks and after that third week, my father asked my mother to marry him, and against the odds they have been happily married almost 35 years. So it happens, some people beat the odds, but you got to ask yourself how certain you are and how committed you are - regardless if things fall apart afterwards.

[Wingnut]

You are, by definition, twitterpated.

Also, 18? Try living on your own for a little while before you marry the first guy you date seriously. Enjoy the time you have to be single.

[Irishcolleen]

You need to be able to see each other in many different situations. Have you made him angry and seen his reaction? I even advised my daughter to irritate her boyfriend so she could see his angry reaction. Have you seen how he treats his mother and sisters? Have you seen how his father treats his mother and sisters? Do you know how he feels about finances? About sex? How does he handle disappointment or stress? You need to see him in these situations- not just ask him how he handles them.

[Guest Doctrine]

My wife and I met April 20th and were engaged June 1 st but not married until November, she lived an hour away from me but we saw each other every week end and talked on the phone almost everyday.

Now were married and have a wonderful son with another one on the way.

So yes it can happen, my advice if it means anything, is do what you want, weight the good with the bad and then make your choice.

[Wingnut]

Read these books together and discuss each and every question in depth before you ever go ring shopping.

Amazon.com: Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be eBook: Eve Eschner Hogan, Steve Hogan: Kindle Store

Amazon.com: 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married eBook: Monica Leahy: Kindle Store

[Guest kaybm]

Yeah I know. We are just talking about marriage but we aren't engaged. We want to be together for 6 months or a year to see how things go between us since four months can make us or break us and if we can survive the four months apart and then come back and we are great and still have strong feelings for each other then we will get engaged. But, I could also come back to college and put him and I on break and start dating around. His father treats his mother like a true gentleman and my boyfriend treats all of his family with kindness and respect. I have actually have seen him frustrated and upset and it has been up with me with some things I have said or how his family treats him. I have spoken to him about finances, sex, family, etc. So I know his standards and his wants. I'm actually living on my own here at college so 8 months out of the year I am on my own. And like I said we don't want to jump right into getting engaged and then married. If we can survive the four months from each other, which absence makes the heart grow fonder and can make our relationship stronger, than he will fly back to where I am from, talk to my family and then ask me to marry him and that would be like July 2014 which we would be together for 8 months and then we would plan our wedding for December 2014, April 2015 or August 2015 (he was saying December 2014 or January 2015, but I am saying maybe have a long engagement too). I know we are young and I just want to hear your opinions. I do love him and maybe I am in the honeymoon stage but at the same time I don't feel like I am. I do feel that I truly care and love him. Also, I am LDS and we are advised to marry young and my college has the nickname of BYUIDO and people get married young and fast. But, I am not saying that is what is having us think this. I want to grow with him and have him by my side for the rest of my life. I want us to support each other and be there for each other.

[Guest kaybm]

Well, I certainly dont think you are crazy, those feelings are what courtship is all about. The long run, however can be something else entirely- thats not necessarily a bad thing. There is so much to consider before marriage that love clouded eyes sometimes cannot see. Have you met his whole family? Do you get along with them very well? People tend to forget that when they marry they not only gain a partner, but they are marrying into a family as well. How does he react in stressful situations? Are you both on the same page with life ambitions? Are you spiritually compatible? There is a lot to consider.

Having said that though, knowing that someone is "the one" after only one month isnt crazy, its actually fairly common. I know of a couple that git engaged on their first date and here theg are years later with 5 kids and they are still as in love as ever.

No, I dont think you are crazy. Just stay close to the lord and hear that still small voice. I wish you all the best :)

Yes I have met his whole family and they love me and I love being around his family. His mom can be a little irritating at times but she is really sweet. But, I have met his mom, dad, brothers, cousin, and his grandmothers. We both have strong testimonies of the church and both have the same standards. He does get a little impatient during stressful times and can get really quiet.

[Guest kaybm]

My wife and I met April 20th and were engaged June 1 st but not married until November, she lived an hour away from me but we saw each other every week end and talked on the phone almost everyday.

Now were married and have a wonderful son with another one on the way.

So yes it can happen, my advice if it means anything, is do what you want, weight the good with the bad and then make your choice.

Congrats on the baby that is on the way! I think there are pros and cons to everything. I will be honest, I never thought I would meet a guy, get swept off of my feet quickly and get dreamy-eyed with wanting to marry him. He even said the same thing. I remember before I came out here saying to myself, friends and family that I would want to date around and be with a guy for a year to a year and half even before I thought about marriage. I was actually in the temple on the day of the third date and this was before I saw him that night and I was telling my friend my fears about me dating him (we made it official that we were a couple a week later) and I was really scared that he would want to rush things and have us get engaged really quick. While I was in the temple, I was contemplating if I should keep seeing him or stop seeing him and I got this impression that I should keep seeing him and tell him all my fears and also that I would end up with him forever. I also got a blessing later in the week because I was going through a tough time and it said "Heavenly Father won't let me suffer through trials forever," and at that time I was contemplating if I wanted a relationship with him or to just date around and see what is out there. I have actually on been on a few dates and my boyfriend is my first boyfriend, so I know that sounds crazy.

[MarginOfError]

My wife and I met April 20th and were engaged June 1 st but not married until November, she lived an hour away from me but we saw each other every week end and talked on the phone almost everyday.

Now were married and have a wonderful son with another one on the way.

So yes it can happen, my advice if it means anything, is do what you want, weight the good with the bad and then make your choice.

On the other hand, my spouse and I met in June and were married in December. And to this day, I am adamant when I say that it was no where near enough time.

A very wise man once told me that I had no business getting married until I had been on dates with at least 50 different people. I think, kaybm, that would be very good advice for you to follow.

[Guest]

Yes, this sounds crazy.

It is very easy to put up a good show for a month... even a year. There are tons of people I can name who were really great during the dating/engagement period and then after the marriage they ended up beating up their wives. My aunt is a victim of of murder-suicide by her she-thought-he-was-an-awesome-dude husband who ended up an ex-cocaine-addict-who-was-clean-while-they-were-dating-but-went-back-to-it-after-they-got-married dude.

So yes, it can end up really successful like some people or it can end up really tragic like some people.

What is important here is to take that love-cloud off your eyes and see the person as he is. Love is not that giddy feeling or knees-turn-to-jelly feeling or how comfortable he is feeling or whatever Disney or Nicholas Sparks feeds us. Love is not what he does for you but what you are willing to do for him despite everything. Jesus Christ hanging on that cross for us - that's love. He never said - I love you because you praise God and make me happy. No, he said, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." while the guards are stabbing him with spears on his sides.

I love my husband. He's not the romantic kinda guy. We didn't date really. We were best friends for 2 years, he asked me out for a date after that and we were married in two weeks. I say I love him because, even if I find out he's a serial killer, I am still committed to serve him through eternity to bring him to God. Because I choose with full conviction heaven or hell with him... forever. And if I would have chosen this guy at 18 years of age, not knowing anybody else, and our marriage ends up a hell on earth... forever is a looooongg time to suffer through it and the consequences of divorce is just as terrible. But, with my husband, I am willing to make that commitment because I choose him to be my eternal companion and if hell on earth is a price to pay in eternal service to bring both of us to Christ, I'm okay with that. And if ever I meet a guy who is drop dead gorgeous, with the heart of Mother Teresa, the testimony of Pres Monson, and the wealth of Bill Gates, who professes his love for me and wants me to run away with him to the sunset, I can honestly look him in the eye and tell him, "you're a great guy and you're going to make some girl very happy someday but it's not going to be me because I choose to be with my husband who ignores me when NFL is on TV.".

But then, after 2 years of being friends with this guy, I knew he shares the same understanding as me about what love means for us. I'm no Mother Teresa... and he's willing to be my rock as I wage my personal battles at him. So, 16 years of imperfections later... we're still going.

Edited December 2, 2013 by anatess

[beefche]

A very wise man once told me that I had no business getting married until I had been on dates with at least 50 different people. I think, kaybm, that would be very good advice for you to follow.

Holy cow! 50 people? I feel badly for those people who rarely go on dates due to various circumstances. I certainly didn't date even near 20 people and I was in the dating pool many, many years. I think that number is excessive, although I agree with the thought behind it.

[Wingnut]

Read these books together and discuss each and every question in depth before you ever go ring shopping.

Amazon.com: Intellectual Foreplay: A Book of Questions for Lovers and Lovers-to-Be eBook: Eve Eschner Hogan, Steve Hogan: Kindle Store

Amazon.com: 1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married eBook: Monica Leahy: Kindle Store

Also, ask point-blank if he's ever had a problem with pornography. Don't do it over the phone or texting. Ask him when you're looking at his face and can see his reaction. Don't just assume that because he's so awesome that, of course, he could never. A "yes" answer doesn't necessarily mean an automatic shut-down of the relationship, but it's something you need the opportunity to discuss and know prior to making eternal covenants. Also, exposure doesn't necessarily mean addiction. But it's a discussion that should be had by every faithful couple thinking about becoming engaged.

[Guest kaybm]

I can honestly say that I could be with my boyfriend if he had 3 head or got in an accident or something that messed up his face or body and if someone tried to shoot him I would jump in front of him or push him away. I know he told me last night he would love me no matter what.

[beefche]

BTW, anyone dating someone for only a month is definitely in the twitterpated/honeymoon stage. My husband and I were in the honeymoon stage for the year we dated and I think we are still in it after 2.5 years of marriage. I would say that after about 6 months of dating, we weren't as blinded by the stars in our eyes so we could assess things a little clearer at that point.

[Wingnut]

Holy cow! 50 people? I feel badly for those people who rarely go on dates due to various circumstances. I certainly didn't date even near 20 people and I was in the dating pool many, many years. I think that number is excessive, although I agree with the thought behind it.

I had a similar lesson taught to me by a dear stake YW leader many years ago. She used an analogy though: if you don't try all 31 flavors of ice cream, how do you know that chocolate is actually your favorite? On the flip side, if you try all 31, you might find out that you actually like pistachio better than chocolate.

[Guest kaybm]

Also, ask point-blank if he's ever had a problem with pornography. Don't do it over the phone or texting. Ask him when you're looking at his face and can see his reaction. Don't just assume that because he's so awesome that, of course, he could never. A "yes" answer doesn't necessarily mean an automatic shut-down of the relationship, but it's something you need the opportunity to discuss and know prior to making eternal covenants. Also, exposure doesn't necessarily mean addiction. But it's a discussion that should be had by every faithful couple thinking about becoming engaged.

I have heard him say he doesn't like R rated movies because of the sex in them and that porn is really bad, but I will be sure to ask him.

[Bini]

Holy cow! 50 people? I feel badly for those people who rarely go on dates due to various circumstances. I certainly didn't date even near 20 people and I was in the dating pool many, many years. I think that number is excessive, although I agree with the thought behind it.

There isn't a magical number but I'm a firm believer that if you're able to mix and mingle with a lot of different people - you should - and in that process if you're able to date many of them - you should. It's a great way to learn more about who YOU are and what you're potentially looking for and not looking for in a partner. Overall, I'd say the more dates and exposure to different people and personalities the better, as opposed to going on one or only a few dates.

[Guest kaybm]

BTW, anyone dating someone for only a month is definitely in the twitterpated/honeymoon stage. My husband and I were in the honeymoon stage for the year we dated and I think we are still in it after 2.5 years of marriage. I would say that after about 6 months of dating, we weren't as blinded by the stars in our eyes so we could assess things a little clearer at that point.

True and that is why we want to wait 6 months to a year to see if any of us change or our feelings. Then after 6 months to a year we will talk about getting married and then see what we actually want. In 6 months we could say we don't want to be together. I was just wondering is it weird to think you have found the one within a month of dating. I dated a guy before where it was in the honeymoon stage.

[Guest]

I have heard him say he doesn't like R rated movies because of the sex in them and that porn is really bad, but I will be sure to ask him.

See, this is not a good thing. It is very easy to say... "Of course, I'm not into porn!"... you're not going to find out for sure he is not lying to your face until such time that you know him well enough that you don't have to ask, you just know. There are some subtle signs that manifests itself once one gets to really know someone... we call these Red Flags. Before marriage, you have the choice to accept or walk away from Red Flags. After marriage... your choices become very limited.