Look at their heart, not their religion

[eastlds1234]

My relationship with an LDS man ended. He said he wasn't ready for where our relationship was going and that I deserve someone who can give me 100%. 2 weeks later, he gets back with his girlfriend whom he had a sexual relationship with - the reason why he is currently disfellowshipped.

Now I get what he means by someone who can give me 100%. He was never over his past relationship. I just feel bad that I was led on to believe that he was.

Now on the blue corner, a kind, sensitive, loving man, who WILL give me 100% - however, is a practicing Hindu. I have apprehensions to start a relationship with him because of our religious differences. We both are active in our own faiths although he has shown interest in learning more about my lds beliefs.

But my brother advised me this: Look at the heart, not labels. If he has the same values as us, he WILL join us. The LDS guy may profess the same faith as you, but look at his values, look at his pattern of behavior. The Hindu guy even acts more Christ-like than the LDS guy.

So I just wanted to know your thoughts about this.

Do you agree than when choosing someone to marry, it :confused:is more important to look at their heart, and not their religion?

Edited February 10, 2014 by eastlds1234
Clarity

[Guest]

I think it's a mistake to not take into account the differences that will inevitably come up if your religious beliefs aren't at least similar. Multiply that by a lot if kids come into the picture.

[Just_A_Guy]

But my brother advised me this: Look at the heart, not labels. If he has the same values as us, he WILL join us.

I guess my initial reaction would be: Then why didn't Ghandi or Mother Theresa wind up as a Mormon? Good people still subscribe to different, and even conflicting, theologies. Conversion to Mormonism is not inevitable.

The dichotomy you set up is a difficult one, but not completely accurate. Option a) is a bad Mormon husband; option b) is a good non-Mormon husband; but how about option c)--a good Mormon husband?

I don't know your circumstances, so can only speak in generalities. But it strikes me that--assuming you take Mormon your theology at face value--it's unfair to you to marry someone who has no immediate prospects of being your partner in the Church's highest covenants. It's unfair to your potential spouse to reduce his value system down to being a "potential Mormon" rather than the practicing Hindu that he in fact is. And it's unfair to future children to deliberately bring them into a situation where their parents cannot agree about something so important as religion.

[classylady]

So I just wanted to know your thoughts about this.

Do you agree than when choosing someone to marry, it :confused:is more important to look at their heart, and not their religion?

I believe it's important to look at both their heart and religion. For me, my religion is more than just a belief. It means everything to me. And it would be so sad to go to church every Sunday without my spouse. It would be sad to be married to a man who did not believe in Jesus Christ. It would be heart breaking to have a spouse that could not give my children Priesthood blessings. It meant so much to know that my husband was able to give our children a name and a blessing when my babies were infants. He was able to baptize and confirm our children. He has given me a priesthood blessing every time I was pregnant and delivered. He has given our children blessings when they were ill or starting a new year at school. And, most important, after our daughter died in a car accident it was a comfort to our entire family to know that we are an eternal family due to the blessings of being sealed in the temple. The greatest blessings our Father has for his children are the blessings of the temple.

[Bini]

But my brother advised me this: Look at the heart, not labels. If he has the same values as us, he WILL join us. The LDS guy may profess the same faith as you, but look at his values, look at his pattern of behavior. The Hindu guy even acts more Christ-like than the LDS guy.

First, we have members here that married individuals who are not LDS or subscribe to a different faith. I can't speak for them but from reading various posts, it seems that the pendulum can swing either way and the outcome is (a) a wonderful experience or (b) a very challenging experience.

Secondly, the part that I bolded in your quote, I believe this is poor advice. Again, people can be unpredictable. The most proud man might have a change of heart, and come to the gospel. And the most humble man might have a change of heart, and leave the gospel. So while there's no guarantees on a non-member becoming a member, the bare minimum you can do is understand two things: (1) your spiritual journey is your own and only your own, and (2) while religion/personality are important factors, there's never a guarantee, ever. So perhaps fast and pray about it, see what the Lord's input is.

I'll just add this for fun. We can't change people.

[ditd]

It is a tough decision.

Much like other posters and probably yourself you have friends who are married to non-members. Most of them are happy but I do know that a lot of my friends who married non-member husbands miss having the priesthood presiding within their home and they are also niggled that they may not attain the wonderful ordinance of being sealed to their spouse or children in this life.

Another of my friends when describing the predicament of a sister:

"She couldn't find a worthy member priesthood so she found the next best thing"

And her husband is one of the loveliest dry-mormons I have ever known. He participates at church socially, invites missionaries and members over and encourages his son within the youth.

It is however your decision despite what strangers on the internet might tell you.

Ask your father in heaven. He has plans for you and knows what will make you happy. It may be this man, or maybe somebody will come along a year from now. Pray, ponder and even fast and Heavenly Father will give you an answer

[Backroads]

If this man seems like a great catch and someone who will be a wonderful husband to you and you're attracted to him and you're okay with the possibility he will never ever join your faith and are also okay with raising your children in a multi-religion household, yeah, go ahead and pursue the relationship.

The simple version: If this is the man you feel should be your husband, go for it. Just know the relationship may not be what you expect or hope for religious-wise.

[mnn727]

There are many good people in all religions and even in no religions at all. You would need to have a long honest discussion about raising children concerning religion, and also how religion will work as a couple before you make a commitment.

Also you will need to decide if you are ok with out ever having a Temple marriage or a Priesthood holder in your home. You can not count on his ever converting.

Edited February 3, 2014 by mnn727

[eastlds1234]

Thanks, everyone.

Being LDS isn't just something you put when you fill out a form - it's a lifestyle. I have taken him to church and is interested to know more about what I believe. He's even willing to convert - however - I think if he does it now- I think it will only because of me.

He neither smokes nor drinks - at least I don't have to worry about this aspect of his lifestyle. But what concerns me is - not being able to share the same spiritual experiences or talk have gospel discussions with. We may have similar values but we have different beliefs.

Ideally, I want a man who will LEAD me spiritually, and not the other way around. But the reality is -- finding that kind of guy has been pretty tough for me.

I have prayed about this and fasted about it too.

And I feel the answer is- it's only going to work out if he converts not because of me but because he KNOWS for himself that the faith I embrace is true.

[Guest]

I only have one thing to say:

Never go into a marriage with someone who you can't accept as he is right now at 100%. If you can't accept that he is a Hindu don't marry him thinking he will convert later on. BAD IDEA.

[mdfxdb]

I only have one thing to say:

Never go into a marriage with someone who you can't accept as he is right now at 100%. If you can't accept that he is a Hindu don't marry him thinking he will convert later on. BAD IDEA.

great advice. There are plenty of active, worthy LDS men who are available. Meet one of them.

[mnn727]

There are LDS dating websites, that's how my wife and I met and we lived 1000 miles apart at the time.

You're not limited to your local Singles Ward these days.

[eastlds1234]

There are LDS dating websites, that's how my wife and I met and we lived 1000 miles apart at the time.

You're not limited to your local Singles Ward these days.

Yep, I tried that. That's how I met the last guy.

Perhaps I have to keep trying to get the results I want.

Edited February 4, 2014 by eastlds1234
Include quote

[eastlds1234]

great advice. There are plenty of active, worthy LDS men who are available. Meet one of them.

Ah. This number seems to diminish as one advances in age. At 31, in a place where LDS is a minority, it's not that easy to meet these worthy lds men.

[InlandPirate]

Ditd, what's a dry-Mormon?

I'd suppose my approach to the children and religion aspect would to explain about the differences between what the parents both believe, and how that's ok, because Mummy and Daddy love each other very much etc.

I'd let them experience as many different views as possible, and let them choose which one appeals to them the most - I'd definitely never try and force one upon them!

[Lakumi]

Ah. This number seems to diminish as one advances in age. At 31, in a place where LDS is a minority, it's not that easy to meet these worthy lds men.

why do they have to be LDS

[Backroads]

why do they have to be LDS

Read the thread. The reasoning for the preference has been discussed. If the OP was 100% okay with potentially marrying a man of another faith, I doubt this thread would have been started.

[eastlds1234]

why do they have to be LDS

It's like this - from childhood to adulthood , I have been taught in church that one must make marrying in the temple his/her life's goal.

I have been hard wired to make THAT my life's goal.

So when I have a great guy come around but not LDS, it does feel like I'm settling. And that's not an okay feeling. IDEALLY, I do want to be with someone who shares my faith, my beliefs and my lifestyle. Life's just easier that way.

With this non-LDS guy, we may not share the same faith but he- is so so so much more kinder and mature than all the other guys (LDS and non-LDS) that I have dated.

My experience with LDS men has not been ideal - as in the example I used at the start of this thread. I would love to meet a great LDS guy but reality bites. The older I get, the narrower the pool of LDS men. Essentially, I would also have to also somehow "settle" with the small pool of LDS guys.

Sure, you may say there are lots of fish in the ocean. But I am nowhere close to the ocean.

So the dilemma is - to keep looking for the endangered LDS man, or to settle with a Mr. "Good Enough", who may not be LDS but a great guy.

Edited February 10, 2014 by eastlds1234
clarity

[eastlds1234]

Ditd, what's a dry-Mormon?

I'd suppose my approach to the children and religion aspect would to explain about the differences between what the parents both believe, and how that's ok, because Mummy and Daddy love each other very much etc.

I'd let them experience as many different views as possible, and let them choose which one appeals to them the most - I'd definitely never try and force one upon them!

One of the experiences I have been fortunate to have is exposure to many religions. I am LDS but I went to a Catholic school, had Protestant friends, etc.

I can confidently say that staying in the LDS faith is my choice, rather than simple circumstance.

If I can give my children the same opportunity to find and discover their own testimony, that will be great.

And yes, he's a dry Mormon- he doesn't smoke or drink, is verrrry kind and mature, family oriented, hard working, loving, patient - so so so much better than the LDS guys I dated.

[Swiper]

And yes, he's a dry Mormon- he doesn't smoke or drink, is verrrry kind and mature, family oriented, hard working, loving, patient - so so so much better than the LDS guys I dated.

Sounds like a real winner to me. Don't let differences in religion be the reason for you keeping you away from him. You are not settling for "Mr. Good Enough" if you are marry him, you would be settling for "Mr. Good Enough" if you marry a member just because he is LDS.

[eastlds1234]

Sounds like a real winner to me. Don't let differences in religion be the reason for you keeping you away from him. You are not settling for "Mr. Good Enough" if you are marry him, you would be settling for "Mr. Good Enough" if you marry a member just because he is LDS.

Great point! It's a much bigger compromise to pick someone based mainly on religion. I know I should choose someone whom I can respect, love and honor.

[Guest]

Great point! It's a much bigger compromise to pick someone based mainly on religion. I know I should choose someone whom I can respect, love and honor.

Just make very very sure that you are 100% okay with him not being LDS... as opposed to subconsciously wishing he'd convert already... because, if you're not 100% okay, there will come a time when all that respect, love, and honor will be overshadowed by your disappointment of not being able to do the Mormon-couple ordinances. And there will come a time when this conflict will start to affect big decisions, especially those pertaining to the children.

My husband married me. I was not LDS then. But he was 100% accepting of me and my religion and all the activities around it, just as I was 100% accepting of his religion and all the activities around it. But, we made a pact before we got married that if we don't resolve our religious differences before we have children that our children will be raised in my religion. That was not negotiable.

[eastlds1234]

Just make very very sure that you are 100% okay with him not being LDS... as opposed to subconsciously wishing he'd convert already... because, if you're not 100% okay, there will come a time when all that respect, love, and honor will be overshadowed by your disappointment of not being able to do the Mormon-couple ordinances. And there will come a time when this conflict will start to affect big decisions, especially those pertaining to the children.

My husband married me. I was not LDS then. But he was 100% accepting of me and my religion and all the activities around it, just as I was 100% accepting of his religion and all the activities around it. But, we made a pact before we got married that if we don't resolve our religious differences before we have children that our children will be raised in my religion. That was not negotiable.

Thanks, anatess!

Based on your reply- I take that - you are LDS now and have kids?

Before the kids came- what were the differences that really made an impact on your relationship with your husband?

[Guest]

Thanks, anatess!

Based on your reply- I take that - you are LDS now and have kids?

Before the kids came- what were the differences that really made an impact on your relationship with your husband?

I got baptized LDS over 3 years into our marriage. I got pregnant 4 months after I got baptized. I was "ready to pop anytime" when my husband and I got sealed in the temple.

I am Filipino, he's American. I come from a line of higher education graduates, he comes from barely-made-it-through-high-school family. When I met him, he was studying for a GED, I was working on my Master's Degree. I come from financially-high-middle-class he comes from below-middle-class. When we met, I already had a house and a stable income, he was a runway model who lives by "feast or famine". He loves spicy hot food, I can barely stand chili.

Our religions are closer to each other than any of our other differences. When we met, he was an inactive Mormon with a strong testimony, I was a very devout Catholic. Our first date - he took me to his sacrament meeting at his Church, it was his first time back in years of being inactive. But he had to abandon all hope of marrying in the temple and I had to abandon all hope of having the Catholic church recognize our marriage as valid as my husband refused to get married in the Catholic church - meaning that I was "living in sinful union with a man". But we both believed in the same basic principles - that we spend our lives seeking truth with humility and honesty surrendering ourselves to God to be closer to Him. And Respect is paramount. And Divorce is not an option.

We've been married going on 17 years. We fight all the time. But we make up for every fight we have.

Oh, this reminds me of a quote from The Wedding Date: "I'd rather fight with you than make love with somebody else". That completely describes my husband and I.

Edited February 10, 2014 by anatess

[eastlds1234]

I got baptized LDS over 3 years into our marriage. I got pregnant 4 months after I got baptized. I was "ready to pop anytime" when my husband and I got sealed in the temple.

I am Filipino, he's American. I come from a line of higher education graduates, he comes from barely-made-it-through-high-school family. When I met him, he was studying for a GED, I was working on my Master's Degree. I come from financially-high-middle-class he comes from below-middle-class. When we met, I already had a house and a stable income, he was a runway model who lives by "feast or famine". He loves spicy hot food, I can barely stand chili.

Our religions are closer to each other than any of our other differences. When we met, he was an inactive Mormon with a strong testimony, I was a very devout Catholic. He had to lose all hope of marrying in the temple and I had to lose all hope of having the Catholic church recognize our marriage as valid. But we both believed in the same basic principles - that we spend our lives seeking truth with humility and honesty surrendering ourselves to God to be closer to Him. And Divorce is not an option.

We've been married going on 17 years. We fight all the time. But we make up for every fight we have.

Oh, this reminds me of a quote from The Wedding Date: "I'd rather fight with you than make love with somebody else". That completely describes my husband and I.

Kabayan! :)

Thanks for the details- "inactive Mormon with a strong testimony" - is a pretty interesting way to describe your husband. I was going to say- in a relationship , religion wouldn't really play a major role especially if one is indifferent towards his/her religion. I was going to take his inactivity as indifference - but I know that inactivity does not always mean absence of testimony - as in his case.

I guess the trickiest and most challenging part in your relationship was to "lose all hope" of what you both wanted. I guess it's what you call an adult compromise. :)

But I'm glad it worked out for the both of you. With me and this guy- he's Hindu- and you can just imagine how worlds apart it is from LDS beliefs but we do have similar values. It's also a good thing that he is open to learn what I believe. I'm open to learning more about his religion but converting to Hinduism- that's another story.