Aging parents- how to talk about care and independence issues?

[Irishcolleen]

Has anyone talked to their parents about assisted living/nurisng home, driver's license, etc... with their parents?  How did you do so and how did it go?

 

I broached the subject with my dad today and it didn't go well, even though I could clearly show him issues he is having with aging and health.

[Bini]

This is such a sensitive topic. Considering what your loved one's dependencies and independencies are, how about having a home aide drop in as needed to assist with activities of daily living, instead of moving him straight into an assisted living facility or nursing home? Depending on the services you opt for, you can hire a competent aide/nurse to assist with medical affairs, and even do house chores, including driving errands. Whatever things your father is capable of doing, continue to have him do those things, and encourage it.

[classylady]

This is hard. With my mother, we as a family decided to have her live with a daughter. We didn't really discuss it with her, but it was beyond the point where she could have much input. She wasn't fixing food for herself, she had just gotten in a car accident that could have been much worse. And, she'd had a similar accident about half a year earlier. We didn't realize she had Alzheimer's, we just knew something was wrong. After going to live with my oldest sister, we got her into the doctor and received the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. My mother didn't understand what was happening. She was mad when we told her she had Alzheimer's. She was mad at her independence being taken away. But, we had no choice.  Hopefully, your father is able to reason and see that he needs some sort of assistance.

 

My mother is now living with me.  It is hard.  She feels like I am keeping her away from her "babies", and just last week she left the house intending to walk all the way to Southern Utah.  She made it about a block away.  Anyway, I really have no real advice because each person is different. What your father will accept and be comfortable with may be something totally different from any other parent.  Good luck!  <hugs>

[Guest]

I brought it up with my parents a little over a year ago. They're in their mid-70's and not in good health. My dad shut that conversation down quickly and seemed angry that I'd bring it up (that's not like him). My mom wanted to talk about it more, I think, but stopped out of respect for my dad. 

 

I went to visit them last week and my dad brought it up. I'm glad I did the first time. I think it opened up a door for him to talk about it when he's ready. 

 

I feel like I'll be the one responsible to care for them, but I don't know where or how. I don't think they will be able to live independently where they are for more than 5 or 10 years. 

[Guest]

And I have to say, it really really sucks to watch your parents age.

[Bini]

It's super hard to see it.

 

My parents (and in laws) are in their 70's too. Fortunately, they function well, physically and mentally. But it won't be too far off in the distance until this discussion takes place. It'll be hard because both sets of parents are super independent, and both mums, they have a bit of 'tude!

[Suzie]

Has anyone talked to their parents about assisted living/nurisng home, driver's license, etc... with their parents?  How did you do so and how did it go?

 

I broached the subject with my dad today and it didn't go well, even though I could clearly show him issues he is having with aging and health.

 

A lot of aging parents believe they can manage on their own forever (even though clearly it isn't the case) so it is a very delicate topic and needs to be approached very carefully.

 

The key element is proper communication and constant conversations about the issue rather than "one" serious dialogue. You need to use some strategy as well. Most aging parents do not want to be a burden to their children which is understandable so when communication with your parents take place, make sure to express how *you* feel about them under the present circumstances, and that *you* are very concerned about their health, welfare, etc. In this way, you are approaching the topic as it is *your* issue, *your* feelings rather than theirs, it will help them to be more open minded knowing their child/children are having serious concerns about them.

 

Sometimes, no matter what... the aging parent will still insist they can do it on their own and well, you will have to back off for a while until they are ready. However, just because you are backing off doesn't mean you are not going to touch the subject ever again. You should continue talking about it often.

 

Most importantly with aging parents, is to keep their dignity intact. They are not babies, they are adults who just happen to be aging, it will happen to all of us so I would suggest if your parents are willing to move to a nursing home, ensure *they* are the ones that make that choice with your full support. Visit a few places, etc and then let them make that decision.

[notquiteperfect]

With my dad, my brothers handle it.  When he was in the market for a new car a few years back they encouraged him to get what he wanted because "it's probably the last car you'll have till we take the keys away".  Straight up and honest.  My dad shrugged and nodded in agreement.  Also, my mom told us years ago that dad would never be in favor of a nursing home so I hope it never comes to that but I'm glad we've had bits of insights along the way - before it ever needed to be considered at all.

With my grandma, they (all kids included in discussions!!!) did things in steps.  First, it was the car.  My cousin lived in the same apt complex so he took care of groceries, etc.  Then there was the regular check-ins (3 or 4 lived in the area so they took turns), then there was a beeper type device that would send an alarm if she fell, etc.  Then she moved in with one or two of the kids, then a nursing home (again, a regular schedule of taking turns to check in on her).  I don't know how my grandma took things all the time but knowing my dad and aunts and uncles, they would have been gentle yet firm and inserted humor where they could.

I also agree that watching the aging process of those we love really stinks!

 

***I should clarify.  With my dad, my brothers will be the main go-to guys because there are so many of us that my dad doesn't need all of us approaching him about things and some worry more than others, etc.

[Just_A_Guy]

Back when I was doing wills, I would just very pointedly ask people--even elderly people--"what do you plan on doing when you're no longer able to live alone?"  Amazingly, people tended to open up pretty comfortably and generally had already put quite a bit of thought into the matter. 

 

It led me to conclude that in many cases, the trouble isn't the subject matter or the fact that people don't like to confront their own mortality.  The problem is that people don't want to bring the matter up with their children.  I've discussed things with all of Just_A_Girl's grandparents that I'm reasonably certain none of them have ever discussed with my parents-in-law.  It's easier for them because even though I'm still their inferior (married to their granddaughter), they didn't see me grow up, didn't change my diaper, and never had a relationship of absolute responsibility for and control over me that is about to be completely reversed.

[Irishcolleen]

When we brought in a home aide/companions he made 3 leave in the space of a week. He does have an emergency response button and I check in visit quite frequently to help.  My mom still works, but now my mom is recovering from surgery this week and t has complicated matters.

 

Part of the problem is that he has people wait on him.  I really can't tell if he is unable to do things but is just being lazy.  He wants to be independent but won't do what it takes to be independent, like pick up after himself, remember his medicine, etc...  These are things his doctors think he is still capable of doing.  But, he doesn't do these things.  And he definitely should not be driving. When we tell the doctor how little he does and how horrible his driving is, the doctor questions him about it and dad lies, making it sound like we made it up.  Because Dad was the ultimate salesman and charming (quite successful)  the doctors believe him.

 

On top of that- and probably the biggest issue if I am completely honest- my dad and I are not the best of friends.  He was always angry and hostile.  Home never felt comfortable as we always felt we were walking on egg shells around him. Now I have to help care for him and it is a struggle for me emotionally.  I know the Christ like thing to do is help him- so I do.  But I don't enjoy it.  I want to run away as soon as I enter the house. 

 

Advice and prayers for wisdom are much appreciated. 

[notquiteperfect]

On top of that- and probably the biggest issue if I am completely honest- my dad and I are not the best of friends.  He was always angry and hostile.  Home never felt comfortable as we always felt we were walking on egg shells around him. Now I have to help care for him and it is a struggle for me emotionally.  I know the Christ like thing to do is help him- so I do.  But I don't enjoy it.  I want to run away as soon as I enter the house. 

 

Advice and prayers for wisdom are much appreciated. 

Oh, dear.  I can imagine how difficult this is.  So in case it helps - 

I went home and attended to my mom the last 3 months of her life.  I wouldn't/couldn't have done it if I hadn't forgiven her first.  That process took years.  Anyway, I consider those three months a huge blessing in my life so even if forgiveness comes later/after the fact for you, you may see your efforts differently down the road.  Hold on to that and bless you!

[Str8Shooter]

I am in the same boat (helping aging parents).  My father-in-law's driving was never good, and now it's pretty bad.  He is going to have to stop driving soon. 

[pam]

I've tried to talk to my mom about her driving.  But she is in denial about her decline in driving skills.

 

I think it's the idea of giving up some of their freedom.

[notquiteperfect]

Advice and prayers for wisdom are much appreciated. 

 

Now that I've given you the big picture, I would suggest looking into EmotionCode or EFT.  There might be other resources but that's what's coming to mind for now.  x

[Guest]

You must be Filipino if... you got at least 3 generations living in your house...

 

So no, the subject matter never came up.  My dad set it up so that the youngest kid takes care of aging parents.  (The older kid helps the younger with college expenses).  The youngest kid inherits the house.  But then, my youngest sister (who became a nurse so she can take care of my parents) decided to move to the US... so my parents had to move with her... but then my older brother became a doctor and stayed in the Philippines, so they moved back to the Philippines to live with him... but then my sister is upset because she wants my parents to live with her...

 

So now, it's like a game of ping pong...  yep, Filipino problems...