When You Are Divorced And Lds....

[pam]

Okay definition of addiction:

An addiction is a recurring compulsion by an individual to engage in some specific activity

The definition of compulsion: a strong, usually irresistible impulse to perform an act, esp. one that is irrational or contrary to one's will

To me someone that continues and can't stop doing an activing such as porn surfing matches these definitions.

Just MHO.

[Guest Yediyd]

Agreed, Pam.

[Fiannan]

Fiannan,

You can say and believe what you want...but until you have cleaned up the sticky socks under YOUR spouse's computer...who are you to say it is or isn't an addiction? I ended my marraige, but the last two years...before the end...I was in direct competition with his computer. I've been single for 8 yrs now, and just last month I broke down and got a computer...I never touched the computer that my husband and I had "together"....All I wanted to do was toss it out a window!!! That computer was the beginning of the end of our marraige.

Yes, all men will look at beautiful woman...but there is nothing beautiful about porn.

That is totally sad. I do believe that if a person fixates on porn and ignores his/her marriage partner then you have a definent problem -- and that does, in my opinion, mean you could have addiction. However, I have to believe that most LDS men and women who visit porn sites do not replace their mates with online movies. It may be wrong but it is probably due to escapism, fantasy, curiosity, desire for novelty or even trying to boost one's sex drive (i.e. maybe a woman totally not in the mood but deciding to do surfing to get the hormones going).

[Guest Yediyd]

<div class='quotemain'>

Fiannan,

You can say and believe what you want...but until you have cleaned up the sticky socks under YOUR spouse's computer...who are you to say it is or isn't an addiction? I ended my marraige, but the last two years...before the end...I was in direct competition with his computer. I've been single for 8 yrs now, and just last month I broke down and got a computer...I never touched the computer that my husband and I had "together"....All I wanted to do was toss it out a window!!! That computer was the beginning of the end of our marraige.

Yes, all men will look at beautiful woman...but there is nothing beautiful about porn.

That is totally sad. I do believe that if a person fixates on porn and ignores his/her marriage partner then you have a definent problem -- and that does, in my opinion, mean you could have addiction. However, I have to believe that most LDS men and women who visit porn sites do not replace their mates with online movies. It may be wrong but it is probably due to escapism, fantasy, curiosity, desire for novelty or even trying to boost one's sex drive (i.e. maybe a woman totally not in the mood but deciding to do surfing to get the hormones going).

Thank you for being considerate and not ripping into me...and I do agree with you, Fian.

My husband was addicted, he ignored his kids, too...still does.

Their b-days came and went last week with narry a call or so much as a card from him...

His loss.

[Fiannan]

Hey, I would not want to rip into you in the least:)

On another note, elated to divorce in the LDS Church, do you think it is easier for people to get re-married who are in the church or is it easier for non-members who are divorced to get together with people?

[Guest Yediyd]

Hey, I would not want to rip into you in the least:)

On another note, elated to divorce in the LDS Church, do you think it is easier for people to get re-married who are in the church or is it easier for non-members who are divorced to get together with people?

Not sure, I have only been Lds for 3 yrs. I was not married in the Temple. There are no eligable men in my ward my age right now. My life is kind of complicated right now with my special son, so dating has not been on a for-burner...

I did break down and join and lds dating site...not holding my breath, though...I was honest about my weight and my son...no sence starting out on pretense.

[Guest Mishmash]

Hey, I would not want to rip into you in the least:)

On another note, related to divorce in the LDS Church, do you think it is easier for people to get re-married who are in the church or is it easier for non-members who are divorced to get together with people?

I know you didn't specifically ask me, but I'm not sure about that..

On the one hand, you find that people at church are definitely looking for marriage, especially if they have children who need that other parent--especially men who are left to raise their kids. I haven't known many but they seem to get married VERY quickly, while we sisters left with a lot of kids, well, not too many men are itching to get into that situation. (I don't blame them, being a step parent must be very hard.) Unless the woman is very attractive, then the rules change. She can get a new husband pretty easily.

Also, when you have children you don't go to a singles ward because your kids need the "regular family ward" so that will narrow your chances too. (I hope it doesn't sound like I am blaming my children! I love them and wouldn't want to be without them ever. I'm just stating the truth as I see it.)

If you aren't out having flings like many non-LDS people do then you meet less people.

I guess I'm saying that kids have a lot to do with it....I would love to be married again and have a companion, get a temple divorce from my apostate ex so we could be sealed, but you know I am so tired from having to go to work, raise the children, get all the chores done, etc. , I just don't know what I would have left for my new husband.

[Canuck Mormon]

<div class='quotemain'> Hey, I would not want to rip into you in the least:)

On another note, elated to divorce in the LDS Church, do you think it is easier for people to get re-married who are in the church or is it easier for non-members who are divorced to get together with people?

Not sure, I have only been Lds for 3 yrs. I was not married in the Temple. There are no eligable men in my ward my age right now. My life is kind of complicated right now with my special son, so dating has not been on a for-burner...

I did break down and join and lds dating site...not holding my breath, though...I was honest about my weight and my son...no sence starting out on pretense.

Don't bash those sites until you try them. It worked for me and my fiance . I was on the site for about 2 years, but if you're patient, things can happen. I was also very honest in the description part, you'll find that there are a lot of people in similar situations. I am one of the lucky ones who found my eternal companion, and I believe that there is someone out there for everyone.

Good Luck Yediyd!

PS - Anybody else notice that LDS isn't in the spell check dictionary?

[Guest Yediyd]

<div class='quotemain'>

Hey, I would not want to rip into you in the least:)

On another note, related to divorce in the LDS Church, do you think it is easier for people to get re-married who are in the church or is it easier for non-members who are divorced to get together with people?

I know you didn't specifically ask me, but I'm not sure about that..

On the one hand, you find that people at church are definitely looking for marriage, especially if they have children who need that other parent--especially men who are left to raise their kids. I haven't known many but they seem to get married VERY quickly, while we sisters left with a lot of kids, well, not too many men are itching to get into that situation. (I don't blame them, being a step parent must be very hard.) Unless the woman is very attractive, then the rules change. She can get a new husband pretty easily.

Also, when you have children you don't go to a singles ward because your kids need the "regular family ward" so that will narrow your chances too. (I hope it doesn't sound like I am blaming my children! I love them and wouldn't want to be without them ever. I'm just stating the truth as I see it.)

If you aren't out having flings like many non-LDS people do then you meet less people.

I guess I'm saying that kids have a lot to do with it....I would love to be married again and have a companion, get a temple divorce from my apostate ex so we could be sealed, but you know I am so tired from having to go to work, raise the children, get all the chores done, etc. , I just don't know what I would have left for my new husband. Boy, I hear ya!!! I am so wrapped up in raising my kids right now that it takes up most of my energy. I have little left over that I could give to a mate right now....but then, if I could find the right one...he would maybe help me with my load...who knows? Like I said, I joined that site, I haven't given up entirely, I just put it on a back burner.

for now...

[pushka]

Also, when you have children you don't go to a singles ward because your kids need the "regular family ward" so that will narrow your chances too. (I hope it doesn't sound like I am blaming my children! I love them and wouldn't want to be without them ever. I'm just stating the truth as I see it.)

Maybe the church could consider having Single Parents with children wards, so that people in those situations are still able to meet others and the children still have the 'family' type ward?

[the Ogre]

Maybe the church could consider having Single Parents with children wards, so that people in those situations are still able to meet others and the children still have the 'family' type ward?

Some Utah Family Wards (what a dumb name) have organized single's FHE groups and single's Sunday School. There are only four singles my age in my ward with children still at home and they are very nice people and we all seem to agree with the concept of raising the kids first then worry about 'take 2' in the marriage department.

I like the concept, but at first, I was unhappy when I was invited to attend because I like my GD class and FHE with my kids.

Aaron the Ogre

[Fiannan]

You know, I think there is a huge problem in that church leaders are completely blind in regards to the singles program. In my state it is divided along age lines -- 18 - 30 and 30 and above. This merely maintains a lot of single people who, in many cases, meet non-members and marry them.

Case in point, I know a guy whose wife left him (no reson but the old "fell out of love thing") and he was in his mid-30s. He went to the 30 and above group and everyone was too old for him, yet he was not allowed to go to the 18 - 30 group. He did a lot of dating outside the church but eventually went on one of those LDS dating lines. When he put his profile on-line he got lots of hits from women as young as 18 in the church and eventually married some lady who was active and only a few years younger than him.

See, in the real world, guys in their 30s and 40s often marry women in their 20s. Yet the women in the church who might be 24, 25 or a bit older are segregated with the young group while the guys they should be interested in are turned off by the singles scene in the church and off meeting non-members.

Idiotic situation if you ask me.

[the Ogre]

You know, I think there is a huge problem in that church leaders are completely blind in regards to the singles program. In my state it is divided along age lines -- 18 - 30 and 30 and above. This merely maintains a lot of single people who, in many cases, meet non-members and marry them.

Case in point, I know a guy whose wife left him (no reson but the old "fell out of love thing") and he was in his mid-30s. He went to the 30 and above group and everyone was too old for him, yet he was not allowed to go to the 18 - 30 group. He did a lot of dating outside the church but eventually went on one of those LDS dating lines. When he put his profile on-line he got lots of hits from women as young as 18 in the church and eventually married some lady who was active and only a few years younger than him.

See, in the real world, guys in their 30s and 40s often marry women in their 20s. Yet the women in the church who might be 24, 25 or a bit older are segregated with the young group while the guys they should be interested in are turned off by the singles scene in the church and off meeting non-members.

Idiotic situation if you ask me.

The problem is that a lot of people who form these policies are here in lucky old Utah, where they think people over thirty who are single are perverts or predators. My brother (the lawyer) thinks I need to move out of Utah to anywhere else inorder to find a spouse considering the blindness of the culture that has formed as stupid a policy as this.

I've never been to the over thirties ward in Provo, but I know some people who have and they have mostly returned to their family/local wards after odd/weird experiences. I don't even go to the large singles activities (mostly because I want to wait till my youngest goes on his mission), but some of the stories I've heard scare the crud out of me.

I think the age division is a product of culture instead of doctrine that needs to be reviewed and possibly revocked. I support my leadership and in fact investigating this site six weeks ago (I lurked for quite a while first) was in response to a challenge from my bishop to at least put a profile on a web-site like this. I don't think my posts were what they had in mind, but they haven't investigated it yet. Who knows, when they ask, I'll tell them of the naughty things I've been up to on this site instead of putting out the feelers for women who might think a fat, loud-mouthed, independent, opinionated, middle-aged freak like me might be even semi-interesting.

Aaron the Ogre

[Fiannan]

<div class='quotemain'>

You know, I think there is a huge problem in that church leaders are completely blind in regards to the singles program. In my state it is divided along age lines -- 18 - 30 and 30 and above. This merely maintains a lot of single people who, in many cases, meet non-members and marry them.

Case in point, I know a guy whose wife left him (no reson but the old "fell out of love thing") and he was in his mid-30s. He went to the 30 and above group and everyone was too old for him, yet he was not allowed to go to the 18 - 30 group. He did a lot of dating outside the church but eventually went on one of those LDS dating lines. When he put his profile on-line he got lots of hits from women as young as 18 in the church and eventually married some lady who was active and only a few years younger than him.

See, in the real world, guys in their 30s and 40s often marry women in their 20s. Yet the women in the church who might be 24, 25 or a bit older are segregated with the young group while the guys they should be interested in are turned off by the singles scene in the church and off meeting non-members.

Idiotic situation if you ask me.

The problem is that a lot of people who form these policies are here in lucky old Utah, where they think people over thirty who are single are perverts or predators. My brother (the lawyer) thinks I need to move out of Utah to anywhere else inorder to find a spouse considering the blindness of the culture that has formed as stupid a policy as this.

I've never been to the over thirties ward in Provo, but I know some people who have and they have mostly returned to their family/local wards after odd/weird experiences. I don't even go to the large singles activities (mostly because I want to wait till my youngest goes on his mission), but some of the stories I've heard scare the crud out of me.

I think the age division is a product of culture instead of doctrine that needs to be reviewed and possibly revocked. I support my leadership and in fact investigating this site six weeks ago (I lurked for quite a while first) was in response to a challenge from my bishop to at least put a profile on a web-site like this. I don't think my posts were what they had in mind, but they haven't investigated it yet. Who knows, when they ask, I'll tell them of the naughty things I've been up to on this site instead of putting out the feelers for women who might think a fat, loud-mouthed, independent, opinionated, middle-aged freak like me might be even semi-interesting.

Aaron the Ogre

I think you have something there to a degree. Most of the men who make the policies were married when they got back from their missions at the age of 21 or 22 and they have never really been single in the real sense. And as age goes perhaps they see people over 30 with an image of a 55 year old widow seeking someone to spend the remaining couple of decades with (hopefully doing a temple mission or the like).

When I was in a college ward (later these wards seemed to change into singles wards for under 30s) I was married and attending grad school. I saw plenty of mid-20s women who were too old for the 21 year old return missionaries (who were aiming at the 18 year olds anyway) but who did not want to go to an over 30 quilting activity. Generally, men who were converts over 30 or divorced would check out the grandma activities but would quickly leave -- never to come back.

So the results were over 30 men meeting non-member young women and 20-something devout LDS women meeting same-age or older non-members. I guess the advantage to such policies is that you get tons of part-member families!

Ogre, not sure about what you term middle age. Lately the term seems to mean something like 55 years old but if you are still in your 40s then what's the problem? If you are young at heart and would be willing to start a family then I'd say you should leave age open. Heck, Brigham Young took wives in their late teens and early 20s when he was around 50. There's a popular radio DJ in my area who is 61 and his 22 year old wife is expecting their first child. The guy who played Scottie on Star Trek was in his mid-50s when he met his wife who was then 18. Point is, if the church has idiotic age barriers in its singles program then go out and try engaging in activities that attract young single women -- or go on an LDS dating site.

[Guest Yediyd]

a fat, loud-mouthed, independent, opinionated, middle-aged freak like me might be even semi-interesting.

Aaron the Ogre

Where is Dr.T when you need him? Are we gonna have to start counting with YOU too?

Seriously though, you remind me so much of my brother!!

(that's a good thing!! I have one brother that I still speak to)

He's a redneck to the core!!! People either love him or hate him....no in-between!!! There is never any guessing as to his opinion!!!! He makes me laugh!! And imbarasses me every where we go!!!! LOL!!!!

[Fiannan]

See Ogre? Maybe the majority of those Provo gals aren't into your style of being loud and independent thinking but who cares about them? Let them find a quiet Peter Priesthood type that easily blends into a crowd. I can tell you there are plenty of females who appreciate someone who is different! Have you also thought of taking a class at BYU in an area that you'd meet some pretty, independent college coed? Heck, that would give you a chance to be open about your views and I'd bet the bait would be set.

[Dr T]

1...1...2...2...3...3. "AH HA HA HA HA!" (thinking of The Count)

[Iggy]

a fat, loud-mouthed, independent, opinionated, middle-aged freak like me might be even semi-interesting.

Aaron the Ogre

Aaron, cast your net out farther - aim for the Pacific Northwest. The gals there are not into playing games. They are down to earth. Very, very few are Molly Mormons. They are more like Mother Earth types. Grow it themselves, can it themselves, hunt it and fish it themselves. Clean it, can it, cook it, freeze it - then take the hides and make something useful with it.

OK, I am exaggerating a wee bit here. But honestly, cast your net out a bit farther. Join one of the free LDS single sites and take a look at the gals from the pacific nw.

[Gwen]

i agree that the ppl out west making the policies don't have a full spectrum of what it means to be single at certian ages or in certian areas. the policies don't really fit some of the situations. but the handbook of instruction does allow for units and stakes to prayerfully make changes to accomidate their circumstances. in the singles group i attended everything was a combined ysa/sa activity (not just our stake but any converences in the region as well). yes the line was there, but we had the same problems, and there are so few here as it is, that it was decided not to use the line. we did have two fhe's in which you could decide which to attend, one would get anyone under 40 crowd and the other would get the rest. they "ysa" (though not officially called that cause there were those over 30) would do the fun physical stuff and what not for activities; while the other group was more discussion and chit chat. if you are that dissatisfied with how things are going then get involved, find your rep (if you don't have one inquire about it with the stake pres.....hehehe.....you will probably get called very shortly; how i ended up being stake ysa rep for some time) and ask what you can do to help the program, give suggestions, be willing to help where you can to prepare for and carry out the activities. be proactive, if you are single it's your program; i know when i was stake ysa rep i loved ppl who came to me eager to be a part of planning and ideas sessions.

[robert69]

.......people treat you like a pariah. Suddenly you are no longer within the "inner circle". You are a freak. I think it may be human nature to treat divorced people that way when you are a church member. What do you guys think??

I know because when I was married and my ex-husband was in the Bishopric (the first Bishopric member in the family) I felt like a real part of the church AND my own family. I remember a young women with 2 very young children who was abandoned by her husband. I didn't know what to say to her really, I didn't want to offend her so any mention of my husband might have hurt her, so I walked on eggshells around her. Plus she acted somewhat weird, which I have since come to understand, so it was just...awkward....I "knew" that I would never be in her position, "the poor girl" was what I thought. Too bad she didn't choose her companion wisely, like I did. Wasn't I blessed?!

When my ex quit going to church, I figured he would snap out of it. All he did do was descend lower and lower until he was a lying adulterer. When he finally left, the people who knew us at church no doubt felt the same way as I did in the paragraph above. Also my many siblings.

Now I am in a "sub-group" that includes my drug-addicted, twice divorced sister, even though I have remained faithful to my covenants, have a son on a mission (in ENGLAND, how lucky can you get, plus he's doing great!), my oldest daughter makes more money than me, goes to college and is active in the church, my 15 yr old son is more than any parent could ask for in a son, as are my two younger daughters.

My church leaders have been wonderful to me...I'm talking about the people (other women) who were very friendly with me before all this and then barely acknowledged my presence--as if divorce was something communicable. It's been 5 years since the divorce and I am still firmly shut out.

I will not let it deter me from going to church of course...I just wondered what the concensus out there, or if anyone has had similar experience/feelings.

I very strongly agree. Years ago when my ex was active and the entire family was a large part of most activities we were treated with what seemed to be much more attention and gratitude. I was blessed enough to have baptized 2 of my children and now only my 13 year old daughter and I are active but we don't seem to be even recognized anymore. I mean sure there are the surfacable good mornings and all but not much more. We still are very much involved and are a big part of many activities. It also seems like if you have money you are more welcome. I was injured in a nasty accident and had severe financial problems for the last year and that seems to maybe have an effect on others. This nor anything will deter my faith but it sure is disheartening at times.

[Guest WhoShotJS]

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