Two weeks until Divorce

[neoc8]

My husband has left me. ( moved everything out of the house). And is currently on a 2 to 3 week shift in the oil field. After much pleading on my part he has agreed not to make a final decision about divorce until he gets back from his work shift .

With out going into too much detail...( we both have our faults ) there are no major issues in our marriage such as adultery, pornography or abuse.

But we do argue a lot!!

We have visited with the bishop about it. And we have had some improvement.

Everything I've read and everything I been taught tells me to fight for my marriage.

But how do you save it in two weeks?

Or worst-case how do I except it if he asks for a divorce?

[Guest MormonGator]

I've been there. 

 

The odds are very high that both of you will regret getting a divorce, but if he is adamant about it I'm not sure there is anything you can do. 

 

I don't know what the main issues are, but in most cases, it's not worth a divorce . What seems like an earth shattering problem today doesn't seem like much of an issue in a few months. 

 

Praying for you both. So sorry. 

[Crypto]

If anything would save a marriage, I think true love and open affection helps. I remember reading a story about a woman who was going to be divorced had only one request, to be hugged/held everyday for a month, and afterwards if the husband still found divorce agreeable she would go along with it. People give and receive love in different ways, and when hostile arguments arise, love, charity, and compassion are proverbially pushed off the stage and replace with the actors of darker feelings. Marriage counselling would be ideal.

It will be hard for people on the internet to give you the advise and counsel you need. There could be more going on, and we don't know you personally, which makes things a little more difficult.

If divorce happens, allow yourself to go through the grief cycle. Most importantly find someone you can trust to help you through it.

Keep strong, now might seem like a dark time indeed

but along the horizon there will be a bright future shinning.

[neoc8]

Thank you for your understanding and prayers ( I need them !)

I'm just feeling helpless. I have been praying like crazy, guess I'm just grasping at straws now

[mdfxdb]

Nobody leaves just because of arguing.  

 

What are the real reasons?  A list 1, 2, 3... would help immensely.  

 

You can't pray the problem away.  Recognize what the problems are, address the problems.  Work toward desired results.

[neoc8]

Well you're right in a way....

I guess I was just uncomfortable airing our dirty laundry. So here goes.

1- we messed up( intimately) before we got married and are both struggling with getting right with the church again. So our foundation wasn't very strong to begin with

2- he is bipolar - he was off of his medication for a while which caused a lot of arguing.

3- he has been back on his medication for a month. And things have improved a lot. But we are still bickering over little things.

So honestly I feel like I have recognized the problems, and am working on the problems.

He has acknowledged that things have gotten a lot better between us... But he feels we are incompatible

[PolarVortex]

I have some friends who struggle with depression and bipolar problems, and they routinely use withdrawal as a way to cope.  Does your husband feel he's incompatible with you or incompatible with marriage in general?

[Guest MormonGator]

As for the intimacy thing, confess to your bishop and move on. It's over and that's it. I've noticed that it's usually the people who commit the sin that feel the worst about it. It's okay, you both are human. Your bishop has heard it all before. 

 

Make him stay on his meds-for his own good and yours. There is no shame in taking medicine for depression, anxiety or things like that. 

 

It's not the little things you should bicker over-it's the big things. People say the "little things" matter in life, but I'm not sure they do. I'd rather my wife mess up on the little things and stay faithful to me and not be abusive (another big thing). 

Edited December 15, 2014 by MormonGator

[neoc8]

I completely agree... We have both been to see the bishop and we are both well on our way to being able to take the sacrament again and Move on

As far as him being bipolar I agree also - He was unable to confide in me before that he was bipolar. I think now that I know, it will help me recognize what's going on faster and help him stay on his medication

But him taking a pill every day isn't a magic bullet and there still some strain and stress on our relationship (which is been getting better)

I agree with everything you guys are saying I just don't know how to make him see that.

Edited December 15, 2014 by neoc8

[neoc8]

That's a good question ....As far as I can tell he thinks that it is just me that he is incompatible with. Not marriage in general

But honestly I've never asked him that...

Maybe I should

[Guest]

marriagebuilders.com has a lot of good resources for saving a marriage in trouble. If I were you, I'd start doing a lot of reading there.

[PolarVortex]

That's a good question ....As far as I can tell he thinks that it is just me that he is incompatible with. Not marriage in general

But honestly I've never asked him that...

Maybe I should

 

Sounds like more honest communication is in order.  I know some men who get married and then wake up to the fact that they lose a lot of privacy and independence in marriage.  Or something else that they never expected.  They get angry or withdraw to cope with it.  If they aren't good at communicating what they need, and many men aren't, then it puts the wife in a really hard position. 

 

If I were you, I'd sit down with him when he returns and ask him what he specifically needs to call off a divorce.  If he doesn't know, he's not ready for divorce.  If he does, use that to open a conversation about what you both need to make the marriage survive, and be specific and truthful.  Get an outside party to referee anything you disagree about.  If you do eventually divorce, and I hope you don't, then you'll understand the reasons more clearly and will be able to move ahead with a clear conscience that you two really were incompatible. 

 

But it would be very sad to terminate a marriage for problems that could be solved.  Until you can prove that there is some totally unsolvable problem in your marriage, you should fight to save it.  Wishing your strength and a good outcome...

[priesthoodpower]

i dont think of myself as bipolar or depressed but i do use withdrawel as a solution to my relationship problems, it might not be healthy but its better then fighting and physically abusing my wife. when i go into withdrawel i am able to think and ponder and have time to reflect on the current/past and future problems, the gospel and love of jesus christ is what keeps me sane and bring me back into focused. without the gospel i would probably be depressed/suicidal or addicted to some kind of drug.

i use the compatibility excuse all the time when me and wife get on the topic of divorce, it seems like the easy answer but in reality no two people are naturally 100% compatible its all about how much YOU WANT to be compatible

one thing that i love about my wife is that she does not at all micromanage me. for example i am the only one with an income, she is a stay at home mom, she leaves all the financials to me,she doesnt care what money comes and goes as long as she is able to have a budget to grocery shop and maybe a little spending of her own she is very happy.

I have a cousin whos wife is a stay at home mom too and she monitors their banking accounts online every day. every penny he spends she knows about. that is just to sufficating to me.

[neoc8]

Money has never been something we fight about. He makes plenty and so do I ... We set up a household account put in the same amount and pay all the bills and add to savings with it. Then his money is his and mine is mine

He has a hard time letting things go.

To me it's little and to him it's huge

We both need to work on things

We are both stubborn and need to be more humble.( and forgiving ) And I need to let the little things slid. It's not that I don't see our problems and I'm not trying to minimize them.

I just have faith we can make it work and over come them

We are already making progress

But what is a little set back to me is huge to him

I know I can't make his decision for him

But it's hard.

And to be honest I'm mad ( hurt) at him for leaving ... But trying not to let that get in the way

Edited December 16, 2014 by neoc8

[neoc8]

I appreciate the advice and more than anything I needed a sounding board and needed some support. Thank you guys for that

[Guest MormonGator]

Stay strong. No matter what, read the book of Mormon and Bible. :-) 

[priesthoodpower]

just thinking out loud here....sometimes its much easier to go with the grain then against.

 

the first 6 years of my marriage i always came home from work to a dirty messy home because our little child was a tornado. If my wife cleaned up the toys it would be all messy again an hour later. my wife was not good at organizing which didnt help the situation. I overcame this problem by lowering my expectations and accepting the fact that as long as we have kids under the ages of 10 in our home, the home will always be messy. Our youngest is 5 so 5 more years im expecting a consistently messy home.

[PolarVortex]

Like Phyllis Diller said, "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing."

[Guest]

I've also heard it's like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.

[Backroads]

If he's out in the oil field, I would pray for his heart to be softened as there's not much talking you can do in the meantime. You need your best communication for when he gets back. Also, pray for your heart to be softened.

[sxfritz]

Marriage is a lot of work.... I bet you heard that before.

 

There is a lot of forgiving and overlooking things. 

 

Are there times when you feel misunderstood - that what you said isn't what he heard?  It is the same way for him. Even after 30 yrs of marriage, I have to tell myself that I misunderstood what my wife said and not take it personally. Even after 30 yrs of closeness, we're still trying to understand each other.

 

My parents thought my wife and I would never make it. We picked a hard row to hoe. But we've remained happily married longer than any other living family members. 

 

I wish I could say it gets easier, but it only changes. Issues change and you deal with the new issues. I'm glad you are wanting to make it work. Divorce is seldom a solution. It is generally only justified to break a cycle of abuse. With divorce, you only shift your problems, not solve them. 

[Guest MormonGator]

Marriage is a lot of work.... I bet you heard that before.

\

You may have heard it before but I've never believed it or experienced it myself. Most people I know with happy marriages don't really work at it.  They don't need to. 

[Guest]

You may have heard it before but I've never believed it or experienced it myself. Most people I know with happy marriages don't really work at it.  They don't need to. 

 

You've been deceived, my man.

 

It's a decision you make every single day, many times a day...

 

So, okay, LeBron James love playing basketball.  So, you might say, he doesn't work a single day in his life because his job is playing basketball... sure.  But, LeBron James works at getting good at basketball... even if he's a beast and can bulldoze everybody on the court to dunk 40 points in a game... that didn't come without working at it.

[priesthoodpower]

Anatess you sound like a guy when talking about Lebron James. :) I do agree that working to improve at anything (careers, relationships etc) takes work. How easy or hard you view that process of WORKING determines your outlook, its a mindset.

Here are a few quotes I gathered through out the years that help to explain "success" at anything including relationships a little better, hope you guys find it helpful.

--------------

- Wherever we put our time, money and energy also ends up receiving our passion, interest and affection. #familycomesfirst

- "DON'T COUNT THE DAYS, MAKE THE DAYS COUNT." MUHAMMAD ALI

- "The good news about life is it's not a snapshot, it's a filmstrip. It's ever changing and you're not stuck where you are right now." Dave Ramsey

- "I think that's the secret to happiness, not doing what you like, but liking what you do." - Joe Ades

- Grattitude is the healthiest of all our human emontions, the more you express grattitude for what u have, the more you will have to express grattitude for. The more u complain, the more problems u will have to complain about.

[Vort]

- "DON'T COUNT THE DAYS, MAKE THE DAYS COUNT." MUHAMMAD ALI

Until you learn to master your rage, your rage will become your master.