got out, now to get over it!

[kpqtnz]

i left an faithful spouse who after the deed became very emotionally/ physically abusive. I had to leave my best friend that i married and loved with all my heart and soul. im finding it hard to cope, theres no going back, how do you stop loving?

[Josiah]

im finding it hard to cope, theres no going back, how do you stop loving?

 

Honestly, you shouldn't. Charity and forgiveness beat anger and bitterness any day. The Savior can help you more that way. 

 

As far as moving on goes, all I have is this: Turn to God and rely on Him. Give Christ time to heal your pain, because it will take time. If you haven't already, ask for help from your bishop, family, and/or trusted friends. Things will get better!

[clwnuke]

I can't imagine how hard this must be for you but don't stop loving all that was good in your spouse! Be grateful for it. Separate the good from the bad and keep them in their proper buckets. Cherish the good, and forgive the bad.

 

The Lord designed our brains to slowly dedicate more and more resources to the things that are happening in the present, and less and less resources to the past. That is the basis behind the saying that time heals all wounds.

 

I pray that as you move forward this challenge will turn to strength.

[Average Joe]

The great healer is our Savior. And three of his greatest tools are time, distance, and more importantly, losing yourself in helping others. 

[Jane_Doe]

i left an faithful spouse who after the deed became very emotionally/ physically abusive. I had to leave my best friend that i married and loved with all my heart and soul. im finding it hard to cope, theres no going back, how do you stop loving?

 

I like theme songs: (this one stolen from Wicked)

 

I've heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most, to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return...

 

It well may be

That we will never meet again

In this lifetime

So let me say before we part

So much of me

Is made of what I learned from you

You'll be with me

Like a handprint on my heart

And now whatever way our stories end

I know you have re-written mine

By being my friend...

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

Edited September 10, 2015 by Jane_Doe

[kpqtnz]

i just realised my post said faithful i meant unfaithful, however, thanks for the advice and reminders of whats really important and to whom i should be relying on, i have a testimony of the atomement but have never thought to use it as a healing tool i only thought of it as always being there when i did wrong, thanks everyone.

[Bini]

i left an faithful spouse who after the deed became very emotionally/ physically abusive. I had to leave my best friend that i married and loved with all my heart and soul. im finding it hard to cope, theres no going back, how do you stop loving?

 

I've been in your exact situation.

 

There is no magical time frame for when hurt is healed. It varies from person to person, and some wounds, are always there but they do get less painful as time goes by. I can honestly say that I do not love my ex in any sense, shape or form. He was unhealthy and destructive to be around. The best decision I ever made was to walk away, while there was still time. That said, I hold no grudge towards him anymore, but do I love him? NO. I forgive him and I forgive myself. Now, my love is for my current husband and our children.

[thoughts]

In your spot, I wouldn't do anything for a time.   It is possible to stay married to someone who has committed adultery.   While it is not possible to stay married to someone who is abusive, if that is temporary because of the other, after a separation and appropriate therapy and changes, you may be able and willing to try again.

 

So if I were in your position, I would move forward with being on my own, and doing good on my own.   But I would not move on the divorce for a while, at least not unless I knew that even if my dh did everything to make it right, I would still not be able to feel safe emotionally and physically with him, or I would never be able to let what he did stay in the past and trust him again, no matter what.

 

I don't think we do move on from the goodness.   Keep the happy memories.  Value what you've learned.  Mourn missing what you shared.   And become what you now want to become. 

[kpqtnz]

thanks for all the thoughts and advice, in NZ its not possible to divorce until you have been separated for two years, in this time i do plan to get myself up and going again with my two kids. heres to the future!