Depression is sabotaging my faith. Am I alone?

[bethreilley]

I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. To put things in perspective, my first suicide attempt was at the young age of 9 years old. It's been bad. 

For a little while, I thought I'd been relieved. I felt rejuvenated and like things were looking up. I had plans to serve a mission, get my degree, and maybe even one day get married! But then I got news that I had heart palpitations, and that I couldn't serve a mission. I got pretty depressed from that, and from there flunked my college classes. Now I have no future, no direction, and no motivation. I'd love to have a boyfriend, but that seems like a far, far, faaaar away reward, if it even happens at all. 

On top of all of this, my faith in God has become shaky, to say the least. I'm not confident in his existence sometimes, and no matter how much I've prayed, I haven't been able to find any peace or relief from the chaos and turbulence of whatever it is I'm going through. I have begged and pleaded for relief or direction or an answer or confidence or just the knowledge that everything would be okay. I have yet to receive any of these things. I've searched my scriptures for hope and strength and only grew more ashamed of myself and hurt and hopeless and overwhelmed. 

Somewhere deep down in my heart I think I have a testimony. I mean, I want to. I want to believe. So badly I want to get back on track and just know that I am doing what God wants me to do and get into that confident faithful spot that so many other members seem to have reached. I just want to be okay and I don't know that I ever will be. 

Please, has anyone else been here? Does anyone know what I'm going through? Do you have advice or wisdom to impart? Can you help me?

[prisonchaplain]

I cannot address your LDS faith specifically, but I can offer some ideas from a broad Christian perspective. First, if you struggle with depression, then of course it will effect your studies and your physical health. That is a terrible cross to bear. Do not be afraid to reach out to qualified psychologists or therapists. If possible, find one that shares, or at least respects, your faith. 

One note of hope and encouragement to consider:  Heavenly Father likely believes that you have it within you to become strong in faith, even as you work through your mental health issues. Most of us are not strong enough--and God does not give us what we cannot endure. If the burden will become too much, please know and believe that God will make a way of escape for you.

Then a spiritual thought: It may be that the enemy of our souls is assaulting you with negative, faith-destroying thoughts. In other words, besides the mental health battle you face, there may be a war between God and the enemy for your thoughts. If there are any trusted believers in your circle of relations, ask them to agree with your for spiritual protection--that God's angels will stand watch over your heart and mind, and shield you from demonic influences.

Finally, God surely appreciates your efforts. He will love you and protect you because you are his child. Your efforts please him, but Heavenly Father will not withdraw protection and blessing from you as punishment for not trying hard enough.  Rest in him.  Trust in him.  He is your strength.  He will help you accomplish more with far less effort.  Let him.

May God richly bless and strengthen you, as you overcome this difficult stretch in life's journey.  Remember Jesus always stands at the door of your heart, waiting for you to let him, so he may commune with you and you with him (Rev. 3:20).

[NeedleinA]

On 8/27/2016 at 3:52 PM, bethreilley said:

So badly I want to get back on track and just know that I am doing what God wants me to do and get into that confident faithful spot that so many other members seem to have reached.

Please realize you are not alone in this life or in your feelings. There are others who have passed through similar situations before, some of whom frequent lds.net. I hope you know that as you survey the membership landscape most everyone has some kind of "hardship" that they are either going through or have passed through. Some of these hardships have been extra hard in fact. 

I agree with @prisonchaplain, have you had the opportunity to sit down with a qualified therapist and discuss your deeper concerns of depression? If you are unaware, the Church offers assistance to individuals via their Bishop and LDS Family Service Counselors. Have you explored this avenue yet?

On 8/27/2016 at 4:37 PM, prisonchaplain said:

I cannot address your LDS faith specifically, but I can offer some ideas from a broad Christian perspective. First, if you struggle with depression, then of course it will effect your studies and your physical health. That is a terrible cross to bear. Do not be afraid to reach out to qualified psychologists or therapists. If possible, find one that shares, or at least respects, your faith. 

One note of hope and encouragement to consider:  Heavenly Father likely believes that you have it within you to become strong in faith, even as you work through your mental health issues. Most of us are not strong enough--and God does not give us what we cannot endure. If the burden will become too much, please know and believe that God will make a way of escape for you.

Then a spiritual thought: It may be that the enemy of our souls is assaulting you with negative, faith-destroying thoughts. In other words, besides the mental health battle you face, there may be a war between God and the enemy for your thoughts. If there are any trusted believers in your circle of relations, ask them to agree with your for spiritual protection--that God's angels will stand watch over your heart and mind, and shield you from demonic influences.

Finally, God surely appreciates your efforts. He will love you and protect you because you are his child. Your efforts please him, but Heavenly Father will not withdraw protection and blessing from you as punishment for not trying hard enough.  Rest in him.  Trust in him.  He is your strength.  He will help you accomplish more with far less effort.  Let him.

May God richly bless and strengthen you, as you overcome this difficult stretch in life's journey.  Remember Jesus always stands at the door of your heart, waiting for you to let him, so he may commune with you and you with him (Rev. 3:20).

Good post PC. Prisionchaplain, the non-mormon Mormon

[anatess2]

You're not alone.  The ward is replete with people who struggle... some with depression, others with anxiety, others with same sex attraction, others with addictions, others with allergies, others with physical disabilities, etc. etc. etc.... it's a mortal world we live in.

The thing is, Jesus Christ atoned for us so that we will always have hope - that as long as we remain faithful and endure to the end, whatever shortcomings we have He will make up for.  So, not only are you not alone in your struggle, you are also not alone in overcoming it to partake in the plan of happiness.

So, my advice - it's the advice of the prophets - choose to act instead of be acted upon.  A rock has no choice - it cannot act.  It can only be acted upon.  So a rock is at the mercy of its "rockness" and the environment it is in - whether it moves or it stays still, it cannot do so on its own free will.  We have a choice - we can choose to act instead of be acted upon.  We can choose to act and follow Christ regardless of depression or we can just sit and be acted upon by depression.  Depression is something that inhibits our capacity to act.  It inhibits - but it doesn't stop.  Therefore, every single minute, you need to make a choice - to act or be acted upon.  It can be a very small choice - should I get up or should I stay in bed.  It is a choice.  Should I utter a prayer, or should I not?  Should I walk forward even with this feeling of depression or should I stay still.  All of these are your choices.  Every single one of these little decisions pile up and amount to a journey.  Each single choice you make in one minute causes more doors and windows to open or close in the next minute that you can act on.  So choose you this day what path you should follow... it starts with one decision... one step... in your desired direction... regardless of what burden you have to carry.  Not many people get comfortable... they can't because it becomes complacency.  The journey to eternal life is a constant string of conscious choices - one step after the other - the more choices you make in the right direction, the easier the next choice is going to be to stay in that direction.

Hope this helps.

 

Edited August 29, 2016 by anatess2

[Guest]

On 8/27/2016 at 3:52 PM, bethreilley said:

I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. To put things in perspective, my first suicide attempt was at the young age of 9 years old. It's been bad. 

For a little while, I thought I'd been relieved. I felt rejuvenated and like things were looking up. I had plans to serve a mission, get my degree, and maybe even one day get married! But then I got news that I had heart palpitations, and that I couldn't serve a mission. I got pretty depressed from that, and from there flunked my college classes. Now I have no future, no direction, and no motivation. I'd love to have a boyfriend, but that seems like a far, far, faaaar away reward, if it even happens at all. 

On top of all of this, my faith in God has become shaky, to say the least. I'm not confident in his existence sometimes, and no matter how much I've prayed, I haven't been able to find any peace or relief from the chaos and turbulence of whatever it is I'm going through. I have begged and pleaded for relief or direction or an answer or confidence or just the knowledge that everything would be okay. I have yet to receive any of these things. I've searched my scriptures for hope and strength and only grew more ashamed of myself and hurt and hopeless and overwhelmed. 

Somewhere deep down in my heart I think I have a testimony. I mean, I want to. I want to believe. So badly I want to get back on track and just know that I am doing what God wants me to do and get into that confident faithful spot that so many other members seem to have reached. I just want to be okay and I don't know that I ever will be. 

Please, has anyone else been here? Does anyone know what I'm going through? Do you have advice or wisdom to impart? Can you help me?

No, Beth, you're not alone.  I too struggle with depression.  I have known this a long time.  And, being much older, I've dealt with it a lot longer than you have.  So, here are some things to consider.

Your faith getting shaky is nothing new.  It is very common among those suffering from depression. Think about it.  You gain faith and a testimony because you feel the Spirit. 

Quote

But the ^afruit of the ^bSpirit is ^clove, ^djoy, ^epeace,^flongsuffering, ^ggentleness, goodness, ^hfaith,

Galatians 5:22

We can't really feel love, joy, peace... while feeling depressed at the same time.  So, the longer you feel the bout of depression, the longer you're going to do without the Spirit.  And the longer you go without feeling the Spirit, the more your faith & testimony suffer.

Now, obviously, the Lord will not leave you comfortless.  There must be a way for you to feel the Spirit.  There is, but the details of it are something you need to figure out with a good therapist.  LDS social services has many who can provide a faith based philosophy on how to approach it.  Here's what you need to know.

First, understand what clinical depression is.  Depression is defined as a downward spiraling emotion.  Some trigger gets you to feel bad.  Because you feel bad, you make bad decisions.  Because of bad decisions, you feel guilty for doing something bad which goes around and around.

Second, identify triggers.  I can't tell you what those are.  But you've at least identified one thing -- your heart condition.  That led to a bad feeling, which led to you flunking, which led to ...  There are other triggers in your life as well.  Work with the counselor on how to change your thinking about them.

Third, replace with better reactions.  Every time you make a decision, everytime you have a reaction, a neural pathway has been set.  The more often you have that reaction, the deeper that pathway is ingrained into your brain.  The deeper it gets, the more difficult it is to undo.  But it can be undone with proper help.  Consider the trigger mechanisms and recognize your standard depressed reaction to them.  Decide at a moment of clarity/peace what you could do instead that would be positive.  Then practice it.  Practice it enough that a new neural pathway is set.  Repeat for any trigger you can think of.  Over the course of years, you'll find more and more triggers that you'll have to think your way around.  It is a long process, but it does work.

Now, none of this really helps if you can never break out of one of these episodes.  Some tend not to  Their condition is chronic. But even they can break out of it.  It just takes the right positive trigger to snap them out.  Unfortunately, that's different for each person.  So, you'll have to figure that out as you go.

One thing that works for me is if I can figure out how to do some meaningful service to someone in real need, that not only gets me to feel better that I made a good decision, but I also realized that someone else was worse off than I was.

Another thing that I've been able to do is to "grab" this wild beast called depression and set it on the shelf.  It may not truly go away immediately.  But it isn't attacking me either.  That is enough where I can pray or serve or think or do something that is more rational and hopefully more productive.  That will allow me to put the beast into a cage for a while and I can feel sane again.  Recently, I've had cause to think that this ability to "grab" it off of myself is a power of the atonement.  I'd encourage you to pray as Alma the younger prayed.  Ask the Lord to have mercy on you and show you how to do this or send someone to you who may be able to help you do it.

May the Lord bless you.  I know it is difficult.  I know all the feelings you speak of.  But the Lord will be there for you.  There is a way.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Beth, you're not alone.  I for one, have been there.  

I first went suicidal depressed at age 7.  It was in the depth of that darkness that I actually came to love the light and my Savior.   Christ was/is my Savior, who held out His hand to lift me from the darkness.  But I had to take His hand- to accept His healing.  I had to want to leave the darkness—and when that’s all you’ve known, it’s a terrifying prospect.  He gave me courage to develop that want, and attain it. 

I admit... it was a brutally rough road… and at points I did retreat back to that dark refuge.  But He never grew impatient, never forced, and always allowed me my choice.  He just patiently outstretched His hand, offer always extended—because He is Infinite Love. 

And I did get out of the darkness, 20 seemingly endless years.

Practical advice: you got to let Christ in-- got to quit trying to fight this by yourself.  And then, you got to do what He tells you to- you got to nurture the seed.  You got to get out of bed, get some exercise and a good diet, and go about doing Good.  I highly recommend counseling- they are quite good at helping you get where you want to go (though you might need to try a few before finding the right one).  

You're not alone.

[Strongerie]

Hi,

Just wanted to share an excerpt from jw.org

"What if feelings of unworthiness make us think that our prayers are not being heard?"

Depression may cause us to conclude that our attempts to please God are not adequate. However, our heavenly Father is sensitive to our fragile emotions, “remembering that we are dust.” (Psalm 103:14) Even if “our hearts may condemn us,” we can “persuade our hearts” that “God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.” (1 John 3:19, 20, footnote) Therefore, you can use expressions in your prayers that you glean from such Bible passages as Psalm 9:9, 10; 10:12, 14, 17; and 25:17.

Hope this somehow helps. :D