Husband addicted to phone games

[Scarlett]

Hello. I've been reading some of the forums here and I feel like this is a good place for sound advice. 

My husband is addicted to games on his phone. This is not new, but it used to be PC games. It has been going on for most of our 15-year marriage, but there have been times when it has been better. 

Right now, I feel like it is out of hand. He seems to have lost control. I saw him checking in on one of his games during Sacrament Meeting this week, which is something that I know even he would usually think is inappropriate. He is on his phone constantly. Truly, I would say that during the time he is home, or even when we are out doing something as a family, he checks it every 2 minutes or more. Always! 

His current fixation causes him to get home from work about two hours late every night, because he's working on his games so much. He has two main ones that take up his time. This means we either have dinner without him or we have a late dinner, every night. 

He is near impossible to have a conversation with because he's either on his phone or he's thinking about it, or he just lacks the patience or attention span to hear what I'm saying. He frequently does not hear the things I say to him, and I think it's because he is so focused elsewhere. 

The reasons I'm unhappy about this are:

-I feel like he is much more interested in apps on his phone than he is in me.

-I feel like he is teaching our kids to value unimportant things and spend excess amounts of time on things with no lasting value.

-It inhibits our general progress in life. So much time is spent on these games that it gets in the way of doing other, better things. 

Last night, he had our 10-year-old boy out until almost 11 p.m. playing Pokémon Go. He didn't even run it by me. We homeschool, so he didn't have to be up early for school, FWIW. I was irritated, but didn't want to fight about it. When he came home, he suggested I go put our son to bed and then we could spend some time together.  I told him I had things I needed to do. Which was true. I wasn't trying to be rude, but he could tell I was unhappy. So he accused me of being a grouch and wanting to "fight all the time." Which I don't think is true.

He regularly complains that he can't get to work on time because our nighttime and morning schedules are too late, but then he also comes home from work late because of games and keeps my oldest kid out late because of games, so I feel like his complaints about our schedule are unfair and confusing. 

Two of his work buddies and an old friend of ours also play one of these games, so he feels like he is doing something normal and even good because he's constantly interacting with these friends. But I can't know if they are as distracted from life as he is by it. 

So I guess my question is, how SHOULD I be when I feel like his behavior in this area is inappropriate? Should I just let it slide and put on a happy face for the sake of marital peace? He's a good man and I know it. But I do feel hurt by it, and I feel like him calling me a grouch or telling me I'm so mean about it, is him deflecting blame when he knows he's acting inappropriately. Am I off base? What do I do? 

This has been happening off and on for our whole marriage, but these particular game have been a time suck for about 9 months or so. 

Edited February 14, 2017 by Scarlett
Clarity, add info

[anatess2]

In anything I find that my husband and I are just not seeing eye-to-eye - this is not just games or TV but everything else like how to discipline kids - it is always best to sit him down and come up with rules that both my husband and I "sign off" on.

For example:  If I feel like he should be home for dinner then that is something that would be put on the rules - be home for dinner, phone gets turned OFF during dinner.  Sign off on it.  Sacrament Meeting - same thing - phone should be left at home (I actually made this a rule for myself - to leave my phone off on the Sabbath.  If you need to get hold of me, you'll have to do it in other ways other than through my phone.) - sign off on it.  Phone turned OFF after 10PM - sign off on it.

Now, you might find some pushback like... what if somebody needs to call me after 10PM?  You'll have to settle those problems with turning the phone ON as the LAST resort... like, well, they'll have to wait until morning... but what if it's an emergency... then they call my phone, or we install a house phone, etc...

Rules.  Agree on it.  Stick with it.  The cool thing about electronics is... you can turn it OFF.

 

Another 2 cents worth of advice:  Avoid being jealous of the phone.  What I mean by this is this - my husband is a football fanatic (you can say addict).  So, half the Sabbath is spent on the TV watching a game during football season.  Then there's Monday Night Football and Thursday Night Football... I used to be very resentful of football until I decided, no... I'm not going to hate football because my husband loves football.  Rather, I'm going to simply put football in its proper priority in our family.  So, we got a DVR and he gets to save all his football games so that on Monday, we hold FHE and then if he still wants to he can watch football after.  Sunday games get DVR'd and he gets to do Sabbath stuff and do football before he goes to bed.  I don't fight Superbowl Sunday... rather, my kids and I enjoy Superbowl Sunday with him.  I stay up to date on football stuff so I can join in if he wants to talk football.  I join his football fantasy teams.  I listen to sports talk radio... etc.  So, instead of football being banned from my house, football is just another one of those things we share and because of this, my husband is fine with the rules we put on football to stop it from interfering with important things.

 

Edited February 14, 2017 by anatess2

[Jane_Doe]

I would say that you are very validly upset on this.  Also, "putting on a happy face" is lying-- always a bad idea.  There are some things in marriage we do have to push through and deal with (Anatass2's example of football is a good example), but that's different that "putting on a happy face" and pretending things are alright.  Your post also didn't mention how he feels about it-- doesn't he think it's a problem?  Does/will he abide by "rules" like Anatass2 suggested?

And have you tried marriage counseling?  

[Guest]

If his behavior is bugging you, you should definitely talk with him about it.  Putting on a smile and bottling it up is not healthy, and will lead to lots of unhappiness.  Instead, talk with him about it and come up with a compromise.

For example, early in my marriage my wife thought I spent too much money on music.  This was before the days of streaming, and I used to be able to blow through I-Tunes cards like you wouldn't believe.  Instead of screaming at me about it, she sat down and talked with me, and we came up with a compromise - I would get fifty dollars a month to spend on music, and no more.  This compromise has worked for several years now, particularly after I discovered that I can buy vinyl from goodwill for fifty cents a record and rip it to MP3!  (Which is now obsolete, thanks to streaming).  But that is beside the point.  The key to managing runaway hobbies in marriage is communication and compromise!

I am a gamer myself.  While I prefer real video games of the first person shooter/stealth variety and think casual phone games are "shovelware", I have set a few rules for myself regarding gaming.  First and foremost - no gaming while my daughter is awake!  She gets all my time.  After my daughter goes to sleep, I can do a few hours of late-night gaming here and there, especially when my wife (also a gamer) is playing on her pc.  I also try to avoid gaming on Sunday, or on consecutive days (two late night gaming sessions a week is, in my opinion, a healthy goal for me personally).  With those parameters, video games fall into their place as a good TV alternative and not the center of my life.  This arrangement has worked out so far!

The key to reaching these arrangements is to communicate (without anger!), express feelings constructively, and compromise!  Prayer also helps, if it is an emotionally charged issue.

Good luck!

Edited February 14, 2017 by DoctorLemon

[Guest]

If it is affecting your relationship and his work, then it is a problem.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, anatess2 said:

...Rules.  Agree on it.  Stick with it.  The cool thing about electronics is... you can turn it OFF.

 

Another 2 cents worth of advice:  Avoid being jealous of the phone. 

 

I like what you suggest about rules. That might help. One of the difficulties is that he is often on call for work, so he can't miss that. That's one of the reasons he always feels like he has to have his phone. 

 

As far as not being jealous... I like the advice and I agree, but it is honestly all day every day that he has his face in his phone and can barely have a conversation. So yes, I do feel jealous and I'd like not to, but even if I'm not feeling jealous, it's still excessive. 

1 hour ago, Jane_Doe said:

I would say that you are very validly upset on this.  Also, "putting on a happy face" is lying-- always a bad idea.  There are some things in marriage we do have to push through and deal with (Anatass2's example of football is a good example), but that's different that "putting on a happy face" and pretending things are alright.  Your post also didn't mention how he feels about it-- doesn't he think it's a problem?  Does/will he abide by "rules" like Anatass2 suggested?

And have you tried marriage counseling?  

We have never done counseling. I have been *this close* lots of times, but then things get better enough that I put it off again. 

It's hard to say if he thinks it's a problem or not. He knows it's a problem enough to promise me that after whatever current event he's participating in is over, that he'll be done. One of the games runs these events that each last for two weeks, and he gets very involved. After the last time, he told me he wasn't going to do one of those events again. And then a week ago, he mentioned to me that he was in the middle of a new one and he was surprised that I was unhappy about it. And then he told me this one was going to end on Sunday (this past Sunday) and he would be done after that, but somehow that has now been extended to tonight. So he has already informed me that that is how he will be spending his evening tonight (Valentine's Day). He wants to have dinner together, at least. 

So I think he knows it's a problem,  but he's so sucked in right now that he doesn't want to do anything about it. And I don't trust what he says about it anymore, which he thinks is really unkind of me. 

The thing is, I really don't think I'm mean about it. I understand he likes the games. His brain never stops, so he needs something to occupy his mind, and I understand that. But it is just out of control. And I do feel neglected. I wonder if I will ever get to have a marriage with real connection. And that makes me really sad. 

[Guest]

57 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I do feel neglected. I wonder if I will ever get to have a marriage with real connection. And that makes me really sad. 

I think it's important that you tell him this.

[Scarlett]

Also, we have a very hard time talking about this. He feels ganged up on, no matter what I say. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

The thing is, I really don't think I'm mean about it. I understand he likes the games. His brain never stops, so he needs something to occupy his mind, and I understand that. But it is just out of control. And I do feel neglected. I wonder if I will ever get to have a marriage with real connection. And that makes me really sad. 

This sounds like MFT time.

[omegaseamaster75]

If he won't reduce or reel in his gaming when you ask him nicely to it's time to see a MFT.  I have said this a bunch on this forum.  Crack your wallet and resolve this issue before it become bigger, you are already harboring resentment and it will only get worse if it is not dealt with.

[Jane_Doe]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

I like what you suggest about rules. That might help. One of the difficulties is that he is often on call for work, so he can't miss that. That's one of the reasons he always feels like he has to have his phone. 

I understand that.  But he can have his phone across the room so he can hear any calls, without having it in his hands to be a constant distraction.

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

We have never done counseling. I have been *this close* lots of times, but then things get better enough that I put it off again. 

May I suggest actually doing it?  I've been to counseling and I would recommend it to anyone-- totally changed me for the better, in ways I had been trying to for years on my own, but didn't know HOW to go about doing it.  

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

The thing is, I really don't think I'm mean about it. I understand he likes the games. His brain never stops, so he needs something to occupy his mind, and I understand that. But it is just out of control. And I do feel neglected. I wonder if I will ever get to have a marriage with real connection. And that makes me really sad. 

Tell him and your counselor this.  

Edited February 14, 2017 by Jane_Doe

[anatess2]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

So I think he knows it's a problem,  but he's so sucked in right now that he doesn't want to do anything about it. And I don't trust what he says about it anymore, which he thinks is really unkind of me. 

The thing is, I really don't think I'm mean about it. I understand he likes the games. His brain never stops, so he needs something to occupy his mind, and I understand that. But it is just out of control. And I do feel neglected. I wonder if I will ever get to have a marriage with real connection. And that makes me really sad. 

So this is where you come in.  This is not about you versus him, this is about your marriage versus the game.  So, if this was the Revolutionary war, you and your husband are the blue coats and the game is the red coat and you're banding together to vanquish the red coat.  Do you see?  So, you get to help him, support him, encourage him, cheer for him in his efforts to solving his problem.  The rules is like this canon you fire against the red coat to make the red coat weak.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Eowyn said:

I think it's important that you tell him this.

 

39 minutes ago, Jane_Doe said:

 

Tell him and your counselor this.  

I have to be so careful. I don't claim that this is normal or healthy, but I know this conversation will make him very low and if he's not mad, he will instead feel worthless. I know we need counseling, but I'm scared of it, if I'm being honest. I don't think he would take it well, and I'm scared to get that ball rolling. I've considered going on my own, and that might be what I need to do, at least at first. He has actually said he is willing to, so it's not that. But I feel like there are conversations I need to have without him first. 

I fear that he actually doesn't need the connection like I do. I remember his mom telling me once that his dad (they are divorced since my husband was a teenager) admitted that he only got married because it was a commandment. I don't actually think my husband is that way, but at the same time, I see him being pretty content not having a great connection with me. In fact, the excessive gaming seems to have a calming effect on him, so maybe I should be glad for that. But then what? I'm not content. I want us to be best friends. 

[Jsmith85]

you know what might help - Play the games with him. I used to get so mad when my boyfriend would be off and spend all day playing video games. Then I realized that what I really wanted was to spend time with him doing something together. I started playing that game and oddly enough we haven't played it in awhile.

[Jane_Doe]

21 minutes ago, Jsmith85 said:

you know what might help - Play the games with him. I used to get so mad when my boyfriend would be off and spend all day playing video games. Then I realized that what I really wanted was to spend time with him doing something together. I started playing that game and oddly enough we haven't played it in awhile.

Playing some is good (if she's interested).  But it 1) shouldn't consume their entire couple bonding time, 2) shouldn't consume their entire lives.  

There's a big difference between some who enjoys X, vs someone who is addicted to it.   

(Note: I'm not saying this from an all-video-games are evil standpoint.  After all, my husband's Valentine's gift was a video game...)

[Jsmith85]

Just now, Jane_Doe said:

Playing some is good (if she's interested).  But it 1) shouldn't consume their entire couple bonding time, 2) shouldn't consume their entire lives.  

There's a big difference between some who enjoys X, vs someone who is addicted to it.   

(Note: I'm not saying this from an all-video-games are evil standpoint.  After all, my husband's Valentine's gift was a video game...)

Oh I agree with all of the above.

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Jane_Doe said:

Playing some is good (if she's interested).  But it 1) shouldn't consume their entire couple bonding time, 2) shouldn't consume their entire lives.  

There's a big difference between some who enjoys X, vs someone who is addicted to it.   

(Note: I'm not saying this from an all-video-games are evil standpoint.  After all, my husband's Valentine's gift was a video game...)

I'm a huge, huge video game geek and I didn't get the impression you were saying games were evil. While gamers DO get the "all gamers are geeks" and "video games are evil!" thing from time to time we're pretty thick skinned. 

[zil]

13 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

we're pretty thick skinned

...said the alligator.

(Sorry, no time to chat, I have a logic puzzle to finish with my fountain pen while watching a re-run of the X-Files.)

[Guest]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I know this conversation will make him very low and if he's not mad, he will instead feel worthless.

Oh sister, I can so relate to this. 

I'm going to assume that this isn't because he's manipulating you, and liken your situation to mine.

I'm married to one of the best men in the world, bar none. He is good and kind and an amazing father and husband. But he is imperfect and has some weaknesses that can be pretty tough to live with, like all of us. It is so important to me to be loyal to him, and I love him SO fiercely, that I've spent 19 years mostly keeping those things to myself. Not always a bad thing, except when it's something that is detrimental to me or our family. I got so good at shoving things down farther and farther and farther in the name of protecting him.

Instead I just grew a whole lot of resentment. I turned myself into a pressure cooker that would release steam at unpredictable times. Things got really, really hard for us the last few years, but instead of talking through my frustrations and fears, I "protected" him and kept it all to myself.

Long story short, it hurt our marriage, it hurt our family, it hurt me (physically, too!), and it didn't help or protect him, at all. If anything, it stunted him, and now he's mourning lost time that he could have had, had he had the loving counsel of a wife.... partner... with a different perspective from his.

After a couple of anxiety attacks and an ulcer woke us up to this, we had a hard conversation. A couple of them actually. He wasn't wounded or feeling worthless like I was scared of. He was enormously relieved. The problem had a name and he knew what to fight against.

Give your husband some credit. Be brave, and be a good partner to him. Help him grow, If you try that and it blows up in your face, it's not because you've done something wrong. It's because you need someone to guide and mediate the two of you to healthier problem-solving.  

[Latter-Day Marriage]

One of things you need in marriage is an ability to talk about hard things without creating hard feelings.  You need to express your concerns to him, probe his mind to find out what is going on, and find a win-win solution.  Is he using games as a way of avoiding something?  What does he get from games, what emotional need does it fill and is there a better way to fill that need? 

http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.ca/2014/07/how-to-fight-with-your-spouse-and-why.html