How long have you all personally dated someone before making it official?

[Mordo_Rigby]

Or at least asking what the other person wants from dating. I'm an RM and I've gone on several dates with a girl I met on Mutual(the app). I looked for advice elsewhere, but the non LDS world has answers that most often involve having sex before making a relationship official, which obviously I'm looking to have a relationship worthy of temple marriage, so I figured I'd ask here. Also, when you do bring it up, how have you done so in a way that doesn't send the other person running from awkwardness? Thanks!

[BeccaKirstyn]

I don't think you're going to find a specific number from anyone here. Dating is personable, and different for each couple. The way you progress in a relationship is going to be different than how Fred progresses in his relationship (whoever Fred is). Do you and this girl feel comfortable talking about your relationship? Or are you still just going out on dates and getting to know one another? If it's the latter then I think talking about your "relationship" may freak her out a little cause that is jumping from step 1 to step 4 in one movement. If you guys have talked about your relationship and how it is forming in the past, then I think it's perfectly normal to have the conversation of "hey, I really enjoy spending all my time with you. I really want to see how this can progress further in a more intimate relationship (not physical--emotional), and would like to see what you're thinking". 

Talking about dating doesn't and shouldn't be awkward! If you feel like it's awkward, then I don't think you're in the right stage of your relationship to talk about it that seriously. Just be honest with your feelings and if you guys are on the same wavelength (maybe not the exact same spot but you have mutual feelings) then nothing bad can go wrong. Just progress and deepening your communication. 

Edited August 8, 2017 by BeccaKirstyn

[Guest]

13 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Or at least asking what the other person wants from dating. I'm an RM and I've gone on several dates with a girl I met on Mutual(the app). I looked for advice elsewhere, but the non LDS world has answers that most often involve having sex before making a relationship official, which obviously I'm looking to have a relationship worthy of temple marriage, so I figured I'd ask here. Also, when you do bring it up, how have you done so in a way that doesn't send the other person running from awkwardness? Thanks!

I guess I'm confused by what you mean by "official".  I had originally thought you meant "how long did you date before you got engaged, officially?"  But are you just asking "how many dates before you considered yourself a "couple"?

Three.  Three shall be the number of the counting.  And the number of the counting shall be three --  no more, no less.  Four, shalt thou not count, nor either shalt thou count two... excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.

After thou has counted to three then shalt thou fish or cut bait and find out whether you're onward to eternal bliss or being snuffed out like the cockroach you are.

KIDDING!  

There is no number or time limit.  You just have to feel it out.  The matching up of the timing between the two individuals is part of the matching process.  It has to be something you both feel.

[Sunday21]

I think the least icky way of getting to this topic is to talk about future plans. Are you in school? Talk about what you are thinking of doing with your degree and where you would like to live. Ask her about her job/school. What would she like to do in the future re career. Talk about next year's vacation. Most future plans will give you an opportunity to see how things are progressing. If you are vague, and she is vague. Very gradually become more specific. See if she cracks a smile! Always a good sign if she is on to you! Of course, you could always discuss your favorite temples and show each other pictures online.

 

Edited August 8, 2017 by Sunday21

[Jane_Doe]

Hi @Mordo_Rigby!  Welcome to the forum!

Rather than focusing on the label itself, I would focus on making sure you and she were on the same page where thing are, where you would like them to go, and how quickly.  Once those are established, the labels just come naturally.  Don't try to force this conversation, but just let it grow naturally as you get to know her.  

[Mordo_Rigby]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

I guess I'm confused by what you mean by "official".  I had originally thought you meant "how long did you date before you got engaged, officially?"  But are you just asking "how many dates before you considered yourself a "couple"?

Three.  Three shall be the number of the counting.  And the number of the counting shall be three --  no more, no less.  Four, shalt thou not count, nor either shalt thou count two... excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.

After thou has counted to three then shalt thou fish or cut bait and find out whether you're onward to eternal bliss or being snuffed out like the cockroach you are.

KIDDING!  

There is no number or time limit.  You just have to feel it out.  The matching up of the timing between the two individuals is part of the matching process.  It has to be something you both feel.

Haha! Loved the Monty Python reference! Yeah, what I really am trying to figure out is the point at which it goes from just going on dates to dating as a couple. I've had relationships in the past, but none have been from an online/Mutual app dating kind of origin until now. I've always known past girlfriends as a friend long before I even started dating them, which I feel made things flow a bit easier. In the case of Tinder/Mutual, chances are your first date is your first time meeting them. On the other hand, you've already matched with each other on a dating app, which means you both mutually found each other attractive. I just don't know.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Haha! Loved the Monty Python reference! Yeah, what I really am trying to figure out is the point at which it goes from just going on dates to dating as a couple. I've had relationships in the past, but none have been from an online/Mutual app dating kind of origin until now. I've always known past girlfriends as a friend long before I even started dating them, which I feel made things flow a bit easier. In the case of Tinder/Mutual, chances are your first date is your first time meeting them. On the other hand, you've already matched with each other on a dating app, which means you both mutually found each other attractive. I just don't know.

I'm afraid most of the people on this board found their eternal companions long before social media was the norm for meeting significant others.  No help there.

[BeccaKirstyn]

5 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Haha! Loved the Monty Python reference! Yeah, what I really am trying to figure out is the point at which it goes from just going on dates to dating as a couple. I've had relationships in the past, but none have been from an online/Mutual app dating kind of origin until now. I've always known past girlfriends as a friend long before I even started dating them, which I feel made things flow a bit easier. In the case of Tinder/Mutual, chances are your first date is your first time meeting them. On the other hand, you've already matched with each other on a dating app, which means you both mutually found each other attractive. I just don't know.

Have you guys talked about your feelings for each other?

[Jane_Doe]

4 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Haha! Loved the Monty Python reference! Yeah, what I really am trying to figure out is the point at which it goes from just going on dates to dating as a couple. I've had relationships in the past, but none have been from an online/Mutual app dating kind of origin until now. I've always known past girlfriends as a friend long before I even started dating them, which I feel made things flow a bit easier. In the case of Tinder/Mutual, chances are your first date is your first time meeting them. On the other hand, you've already matched with each other on a dating app, which means you both mutually found each other attractive. I just don't know.

My advice: the app is to help you meet the girl.  Kind of like it set you up on a blind date. 

Now that you've met the girl, the app's purpose is served.  You two need to take the time to get to know each other from square 1, so dating is going to take longer than if you had been friends for years before then.  Give it that time.  

[Sunday21]

18 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

I guess I'm confused by what you mean by "official".  I had originally thought you meant "how long did you date before you got engaged, officially?"  But are you just asking "how many dates before you considered yourself a "couple"?

Three.  Three shall be the number of the counting.  And the number of the counting shall be three --  no more, no less.  Four, shalt thou not count, nor either shalt thou count two... excepting that thou then proceed to three.  Five is right out.

After thou has counted to three then shalt thou fish or cut bait and find out whether you're onward to eternal bliss or being snuffed out like the cockroach you are.

KIDDING!  

There is no number or time limit.  You just have to feel it out.  The matching up of the timing between the two individuals is part of the matching process.  It has to be something you both feel.

I can see you clicking the coconuts! I knew a couple who met at Castle Stirling during the filming of that movie!

[Mordo_Rigby]

2 minutes ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Have you guys talked about your feelings for each other?

Not yet. That is kind of what I'm trying to figure out a good way to bring up relatively casually just so I know what page she's on.

[Jane_Doe]

8 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Not yet. That is kind of what I'm trying to figure out a good way to bring up relatively casually just so I know what page she's on.

Let it grow organically.  You guys only just met.

[Sunday21]

Just now, Jane_Doe said:

Let it grow organically.  You guys only just met.

He is a planner! Planners are good. And he likes her!

[BeccaKirstyn]

7 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Not yet. That is kind of what I'm trying to figure out a good way to bring up relatively casually just so I know what page she's on.

Okay. I get that. I would, as you said, just casually say "I'm enjoying going out with you and getting to know you more. I'd like to keep doing that if you would." And see how she responds. If you feel like that conversation allows you to, you can tell her how you feel about her. But honestly I think you guys just need to have the conversation of "I want to date you to see if I wanna date you". You know what I mean? Our generation (cause I'm assuming we're close in age) is so weird about dating now, especially with meeting people through Mutual. It makes it a little difficult to date "naturally". But there's nothing wrong with telling her how you feel, if you guys can get to the conversation of "I like going on dates with you, I want to get to know you better". 

[Mordo_Rigby]

31 minutes ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Okay. I get that. I would, as you said, just casually say "I'm enjoying going out with you and getting to know you more. I'd like to keep doing that if you would." And see how she responds. If you feel like that conversation allows you to, you can tell her how you feel about her. But honestly I think you guys just need to have the conversation of "I want to date you to see if I wanna date you". You know what I mean? Our generation (cause I'm assuming we're close in age) is so weird about dating now, especially with meeting people through Mutual. It makes it a little difficult to date "naturally". But there's nothing wrong with telling her how you feel, if you guys can get to the conversation of "I like going on dates with you, I want to get to know you better". 

Thank you for the advice. This is, I think, a very good place to start. I definitely don't want to jump the gun and chase her away, but I also don't want to be taking her on dates only to find out later on that she isn't interested in me romantically. I took a girl on a bunch dates once and we started holding hands and junk, and finally after like ten dates she just up and says that she isn't, and was never, interested in me romantically. I just want to know what page she's on so something similar doesn't happen this time.

Edited August 8, 2017 by Mordo_Rigby

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Thank you for the advice. This is, I think, a very good place to start. I definitely don't want to jump the gun and chase her away, but I also don't want to be taking her on dates only to find out later on that she isn't interested in me romantically. I took a girl on a bunch dates once and we started holding hands and junk, and finally after like ten dates she just up and says that she isn't, and was never, interested in me romantically. I just want to know what page she's on so something similar doesn't happen this time.

In that case, it doesn't sound like you were not on the same page.  It sounds like she just changed her mind.

[Mordo_Rigby]

2 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

In that case, it doesn't sound like you were not on the same page.  It sounds like she just changed her mind.

Oh we were definitely not on the same page when that happened. That is what I'm trying to avoid this time.

[Guest]

Just now, Mordo_Rigby said:

Oh we were definitely not on the same page when that happened. That is what I'm trying to avoid this time.

What I'm saying is that during the time you were dating, she probably did have an interest in you.  Then she changed her mind and she was "no longer" romantically interested in you. 

So, if she gave you the impression that she was NEVER into you, then she LIED TO YOU.

[Mordo_Rigby]

Just now, Carborendum said:

What I'm saying is that during the time you were dating, she probably did have an interest in you.  Then she changed her mind and she was "no longer" romantically interested in you. 

So, if she gave you the impression that she was NEVER into you, then she LIED TO YOU.

Oh, yeah. That is definitely a possibility.

[BeccaKirstyn]

10 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

Thank you for the advice. This is, I think, a very good place to start. I definitely don't want to jump the gun and chase her away, but I also don't want to be taking her on dates only to find out later on that she isn't interested in me romantically. I took a girl on a bunch dates once and we started holding hands and junk, and finally after like ten dates she just up and says that she isn't, and was never, interested in me romantically. I just want to know what page she's on so something similar doesn't happen this time.

Yeah I get it. Been there, done that. In that case there's no harm in putting your honest thoughts out there. Maybe preface it with saying that you just want to see if you guys are on the same page. We are so afraid to say these things for fear of the other person running away, but if they can't hear and acknowledge someone saying "I like you, I want to get to know you better", then they're not ready to date and not worth your time. In my opinion.

They don't need to reciprocate those feelings right away if that isn't how they are truly feeling. But they can at least acknowledge your feelings, and you guys can be more open about what is going on. 

Edited August 8, 2017 by BeccaKirstyn

[Mordo_Rigby]

Just now, BeccaKirstyn said:

Yeah I get it. Been there, done that. In that case there's no harm in putting your honest thoughts out there. Maybe preface it with saying that you just want to see if you guys are on the same page. We are so afraid to say these things for fear of the other person running away, but if they can't hear and acknowledge someone saying "I like you, I want to get to know you better", then they're not ready to date and not worth your time. In my opinion.

All great points. Thank you. I think I will do something like this then, just so I can attempt know what's going on inside her head. 

[BeccaKirstyn]

3 minutes ago, Mordo_Rigby said:

All great points. Thank you. I think I will do something like this then, just so I can attempt know what's going on inside her head. 

Good luck! 

[anatess2]

Dating according to anatess2:

Fact:  Women do the choosing.  Men do the chasing.  Yes, in the modern era women are doing the chasing because men have become less competitive as the MGTOW reaction expands.  But within the Church, we're still big on the traditional way of things.

That said, as a dude, you are at a disadvantage if you wait for the woman to choose before you consider other options.  So, here's my advice - cast your net very wide.  Be friends with everybody.  Make yourself available.  Serve as many people as you can, get to know as many people as you can.  When one of them chooses you and you decide there's a future worth exploring there, then that's the time to get exclusive and call yourselves a couple.  Now, here's the trick - how do you know if she chose you?  Women don't always know how to express these things... this is what I say - when you have gotten to know people in a manner that you can properly serve them, then you've gained a better chance of instinctively knowing when one chooses you for an eternal companion.

Now this statement of yours - " I also don't want to be taking her on dates only to find out later on that she isn't interested in me romantically." - if you approach people in the manner of service, this moment wouldn't have made you feel like you wasted your time and money because you would have gained a friend or have impacted her life or she impacting yours.  These things are precious in the fabric of life experience and spiritual growth.

Good luck.

 

Edited August 8, 2017 by anatess2

[SpiritDragon]

Everybody will have different timing for sure. When I was dating my wife I could tell after the second date that I was developing feelings for her and I let her know that right then and there. If my memory serves me she likely expressed how much fun she had and that we should spend more time together, so I laid it out there that I would like that, but she needed to understand that I was developing feelings and if she didn't want the relationship to become more serious then we shouldn't go on more dates. She was refreshed by my candor and said she was hoping that was the case - it was so much easier when we just communicated than having an ongoing relationship all the while wondering where we stood with each other.

[Mordo_Rigby]

5 hours ago, BeccaKirstyn said:

Good luck! 

Thank you!  I figured I'd give you an update.  I had another date with her today and I told her basically what you suggested more or less.  I said something along the lines of "I've really enjoyed going on dates with you and I really like you.  Would you like to continue dating and see where this goes?"  And she said that she would love to if I do.  So, that's a pretty good sign! =)

Edited August 9, 2017 by Mordo_Rigby