Anti Mormon Ex and Teaching Our Children

[000Zero000]

Hello again.  I think the last time I posted something in these forums was over two years ago.  At that time I was going through a divorce and life was rather topsy turvy.  Things have evened out a bit now.  My reason for suddenly dropping in again is because I have a question that I could use some additional points of view on.  Much of the time I go to my parents for advice but lately I feel like most of my communication with them has been me expounding on the continued aggravation I experience because of my ex. My parents need a break. 

So here's the deal.  One of the things that ultimately ended my marriage was my ex leaving the Church.  She didn't just leave.  She went full blown anti in a couple of weeks.   It was something to behold.  Over the last couple of years I have done my best to be respectful of her new lifestyle.  Here and there I have had glimpses of what she has been teaching the kids but I have strictly adhered to not saying anything negative or anything that could be construed as negative about her.    Through email communication I knew that she was telling the kids that I was brainwashed and that I belonged to a cult.  Through other communication I knew that she frequently attacked my oldest over belief.  I have mostly remained silent to her about what she is doing and the effect it has on our kids.  I have opted instead to be a good example and try to do the things that will invite the spirit into my home.    This includes doubling down on FHE, scripture study, family prayer etc.  I have always maintained that I would do everything I could and leave the rest up to the Lord. 

In some recent communication with my ex, she said she wanted to go to mediation about the amount of time the kids were spending in religious training.   While she has been adamantly against the Church in the time since divorce she has agreed a couple of times that we were raising the kids LDS.   Strange, I know.  Granted, I think she said that because she was trying to get something out of me but nevertheless she said it and by all appearances that is what we are doing.  She doesn't take them to Church but she will occasionally let them go and she lets other things happen like attending activities and my third child was baptized when she turned 8 a year ago. 

Now on to the meat of needing advice.  Recently while straitening my living room I found a notebook on the coffee table.  I flipped it open to find out who it belonged to since it didn't have any markings on the outside.  It was something my second oldest(11 years old) had written and by all appearance looked like some sort of fun spy journal or something she was doing.  I thought it was cute and didn't see any harm in reading it.  The first couple of pages were silliness.  On about the third page it took a very disturbing turn.  She starting writing about all the things her mother was telling her about the church.  I won't go into the details here except to say that it made me pretty angry.  I knew from some previous interactions that this daughter was having a hard time with the church and I could tell that she had also withdrawn to a certain extent from me because of it.  

At this point I am trying to decide how to proceed.  As I mentioned above, I have made a point of not saying anything negative to the kids about their mom.  I have gone out of my way to highlight her strengths(few they may be) and have even reprimanded them (the kids) when they have said something that cast her in a negative light.   This just seems like too much though.   She is telling my kids I am brainwashed.  She is telling them everything I believe is a sham.  She is telling them I am hateful and bigoted.

I am thinking of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done from a parental alienation standpoint.    I want to sit my kids down and expound on the lunacy that is her broken mind.  I won't do that but my, oh my, how I want to.    

[Jane_Doe]

Sit down with your 11 y.o. and talk to her.  Let her know that you know some people have misconceptions about what LDS believe.  Asking questions is not a bad thing, but a great thing- after all that's what sparked the restoration and what each of us are commanded to do.  She can ask you anything.   

When you have FHE and other teaching moments, double down on doing Christ-like teaching.  Encourage your children to ask questions.  Don't shy away from any topic, but dissect them, starting with Christ-centered principles.  If you know there's something big on their minds, hit that topic.  Do you best to encourage your children to build-Christ-founded testimonies, because the fiery darts of the adversary are here.  

Kids are smart.  They will see with their own eyes how your faith is very real.  And (hopefully) build their own very real testimonies.  They will be able to see who is loving, intelligent, and who is hateful and bigoted. 

12 minutes ago, 000Zero000 said:

I am thinking of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done from a parental alienation standpoint.    I want to sit my kids down and expound on the lunacy that is her broken mind.  I won't do that but my, oh my, how I want to.    

Sitting down with a lawyer and seeing your options could indeed be, if this is coming to downright slander.  There's also things to be discussed as far as religious educations.  

But I would hold off on bringing these up to the kids.

[Guest]

49 minutes ago, 000Zero000 said:

Hello again.  I think the last time I posted something in these forums was over two years ago.  At that time I was going through a divorce and life was rather topsy turvy.  Things have evened out a bit now.  My reason for suddenly dropping in again is because I have a question that I could use some additional points of view on.  Much of the time I go to my parents for advice but lately I feel like most of my communication with them has been me expounding on the continued aggravation I experience because of my ex. My parents need a break. 

So here's the deal.  One of the things that ultimately ended my marriage was my ex leaving the Church.  She didn't just leave.  She went full blown anti in a couple of weeks.   It was something to behold.  Over the last couple of years I have done my best to be respectful of her new lifestyle.  Here and there I have had glimpses of what she has been teaching the kids but I have strictly adhered to not saying anything negative or anything that could be construed as negative about her.    Through email communication I knew that she was telling the kids that I was brainwashed and that I belonged to a cult.  Through other communication I knew that she frequently attacked my oldest over belief.  I have mostly remained silent to her about what she is doing and the effect it has on our kids.  I have opted instead to be a good example and try to do the things that will invite the spirit into my home.    This includes doubling down on FHE, scripture study, family prayer etc.  I have always maintained that I would do everything I could and leave the rest up to the Lord. 

In some recent communication with my ex, she said she wanted to go to mediation about the amount of time the kids were spending in religious training.   While she has been adamantly against the Church in the time since divorce she has agreed a couple of times that we were raising the kids LDS.   Strange, I know.  Granted, I think she said that because she was trying to get something out of me but nevertheless she said it and by all appearances that is what we are doing.  She doesn't take them to Church but she will occasionally let them go and she lets other things happen like attending activities and my third child was baptized when she turned 8 a year ago. 

Now on to the meat of needing advice.  Recently while straitening my living room I found a notebook on the coffee table.  I flipped it open to find out who it belonged to since it didn't have any markings on the outside.  It was something my second oldest(11 years old) had written and by all appearance looked like some sort of fun spy journal or something she was doing.  I thought it was cute and didn't see any harm in reading it.  The first couple of pages were silliness.  On about the third page it took a very disturbing turn.  She starting writing about all the things her mother was telling her about the church.  I won't go into the details here except to say that it made me pretty angry.  I knew from some previous interactions that this daughter was having a hard time with the church and I could tell that she had also withdrawn to a certain extent from me because of it.  

At this point I am trying to decide how to proceed.  As I mentioned above, I have made a point of not saying anything negative to the kids about their mom.  I have gone out of my way to highlight her strengths(few they may be) and have even reprimanded them (the kids) when they have said something that cast her in a negative light.   This just seems like too much though.   She is telling my kids I am brainwashed.  She is telling them everything I believe is a sham.  She is telling them I am hateful and bigoted.

I am thinking of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done from a parental alienation standpoint.    I want to sit my kids down and expound on the lunacy that is her broken mind.  I won't do that but my, oh my, how I want to.    

I grew up in a home with a very active mother and a mildly anti-Mormon father who eventually became severely anti-Mormon around the year 2000 and started sleeping with all sorts of horrible people while descending into severe alcoholism.

Yet, me and my two brothers all served missions, married in the temple, and are active in our wards.

How is this possible?  How did my mother counteract my father's bad influence?

By doing what you are doing - having FHE, teaching us correct principles, inviting the Spirit in.  The difference between my mother's life and my father's life was profound, and we noticed.  

I am not sure what to do about the fact your ex is actively campaigning against the church.  I think such behavior is frankly quite crazy, in and of itself, especially for someone with no religious convictions whatsoever (if I recall correctly).  It does seem to demand some sort of response . . . I certainly would not agree to stop raising the kids as LDS.  This is a good thing to pray about, fast about, and discuss with your Bishop.

 

 

 

[Grunt]

You can try the legal route.  You can try to reason with your ex.  At the end of the day, though, all you have is your testimony.  Children remember.  If your wife is slamming your religion, it will stand out to your kids as they age.  In the meantime, be the example that shows false everything she is saying.  Show them love.  Let them see you living the Gospel.  That speaks volumes all by itself.  Defending your religion looks exactly like it is, a defense.  Continue your teachings and be the rock they need in this broken marriage that they didn't ask for.

[JohnsonJones]

On ‎2‎/‎18‎/‎2018 at 7:47 PM, 000Zero000 said:

I am thinking of contacting my lawyer tomorrow to see what can be done from a parental alienation standpoint.    I want to sit my kids down and expound on the lunacy that is her broken mind.  I won't do that but my, oh my, how I want to.    

This may be your best choice.

If your children are STRONGLY in the church (which it sounds like your 3rd child may not be) what she is doing may also constitute emotional abuse.

[seashmore]

@000Zero000 Are your children getting some form of professional counseling? Even some regular (weekly/biweekly) time with a school guidance counselor can help them figure out how to sift the conflicting messages they're getting from their parents. Especially if they're being taught in Primary and in your home to "honor thy father and mother." Be open and honest with them in a gentle way. Try not to let your frustration with your ex influence your tone when you ask them what kinds of things they've been talking about with Mom, because they could very easily interpret that as frustration with them, especially at that prepubescent age. 

Smile and tell them you love them. Keep cheerfully doing what you've been doing and have faith that your kids will turn out all right when it's all said and done. As President Monson said, "Your future is as bright as your faith." 

[Namaskar]

On 2/19/2018 at 5:27 PM, Grunt said:

You can try the legal route.  You can try to reason with your ex.  At the end of the day, though, all you have is your testimony.  Children remember.  If your wife is slamming your religion, it will stand out to your kids as they age.  In the meantime, be the example that shows false everything she is saying.  Show them love.  Let them see you living the Gospel.  That speaks volumes all by itself.  Defending your religion looks exactly like it is, a defense.  Continue your teachings and be the rock they need in this broken marriage that they didn't ask for.

Amen! 

I know this is sometimes frustrating to hear, but take a moment and reflect on what you can control in this situation. You can control your action, responses and thoughts. 

Responding with genuine love and positivity will have a huge impact. Getting guidance from resources like counselors or books or divinity can give you tools and strength. 

Encourage open communication with your kids and be genuine in listening and validating what they say or ask.  

I understand how hard it must be to deal with it! But your kids will grow up one day and the positive influence through love and understanding could give them a grounding point to look back on as they reach adulthood and truly discover their indepemdence 

[Blossom76]

On 19/02/2018 at 12:47 PM, 000Zero000 said:

Recently while straitening my living room I found a notebook on the coffee table.  I flipped it open to find out who it belonged to since it didn't have any markings on the outside.  It was something my second oldest(11 years old) had written and by all appearance looked like some sort of fun spy journal or something she was doing.  I thought it was cute and didn't see any harm in reading it.  The first couple of pages were silliness.  On about the third page it took a very disturbing turn.  She starting writing about all the things her mother was telling her about the church.  I won't go into the details here except to say that it made me pretty angry.  I knew from some previous interactions that this daughter was having a hard time with the church and I could tell that she had also withdrawn to a certain extent from me because of it.  

Be honest with your daughter, tell her you found her notebook and that you weren't snooping but you are worried about how she is feeling about the stuff she wrote about what her mother told her about the church.  Just talk to her, find out what she thinks and feels about the situation.  Be kind and listen to her, let her know that she can say whatever she likes to you and you will still be there for her.  She might surprise you, kids have their own minds, the poor kid is obviously being manipulated by her mother, show her her father has her best interests at heart and cares about what she thinks and feels.  Questions are good, you can show her the answers.

 

[jewels8]

I am so sorry to hear that you and your children are having to go through this.  For whatever reason, your ex , even if she can't see how wrong it is to go against the truth of the Gospel in one sense, maybe she can hopefully see how emotionally abusive this is, and legally this is wrong.  I would pray & fast about this.  I would not be silent with your kids on this.  Think about it.  Your going through the motions of the Gospel, which is admirable, your showing your testimony through your example, and through word and deed.  Your wife is vocally slamming you & the Church, using the sophistries of Satan, or whatever she is learning, from whatever source she is getting her material from.  Your kids are having to be indoctrinated by this, due to the law.  What can you do to change the law, as much as possible?  What can you do to fortify your kids, as much as possible?  Particularly the 11 year old?  Or any of them?  Talk to your kids.  Talk to them often.  Prayerfully find out what each one needs.  Bless your heart, its not easy, but the Lord knows your situation, and He will guide you.  Bear testimony.  He knows what she is doing.  He knows what your kids need.  Pray for your kids.  He can even put people in their paths to guide them and the Holy Ghost to teach them when you are not there.  Talk to the bishop.  Can the kids and maybe you see an LDS family counselor?  Someone who can help you combat this as a team, as a family?  If the kids see the Church as the Truth, see you all as Defenders of Truth, see there mother as someone they love and care for, but as someone who is "a lost sheep"  instead of seeing you as being what she says you are, it can change things.  Its ok to talk to the kids about their mom.  Of course you don't want to put her in a  negative light.  But you do need to talk about it the way it is.  Pray with the kids together about helping her find the light again.  A counselor may help the kids get over the emotional abuse against what she's saying about you and the church and the destruction it has on pulling down testimonies, faith, self worth and identity.  I think what we are is so much tied into our beliefs.  These kids hopefully will not become confused in this world of choices during this time.  I commend you for reaching out and for showing a good example to your kids.  She needs to stop putting you and the Church down, or at least there needs to be a way to fortify the kids  and you as much as possible.  You'll be in my prayers.

[jewels8]

P.S.   I realize my post may have sounded too negative as I reread it.  I meant that you aren't going "through the motions"  , you are Living the Gospel, so I apologize for that.  You are a strong man and father for all you are doing, and I commend you for all this.  I really hope you are able to find the support you need.  I think it is great how you are doing these things in your home.  I tried to be positive, but if I wasn't as positive as I meant to be, if I didn't come across that way, I do apologize.  Know that the Lord loves you and your family.  Also, you can always receive a blessing of strength and comfort, anytime you need it, as can your children, either from you, or from family, home teachers, anyone who is able to do that.