I don’t want to be sealed with my husband!

[Guest MormonGator]

Just now, zil said:

For the record, I just meant "be a responsible adult male" - implicit in "responsible", for me as a Mormon, is the male role described in the family proclamation - but the "grown up with a job paying the bills" was more my thinking.

I understand. I see some people (and they always do this, and I don't mean you @zil) blame the video games, the RPG's, or the comic books instead of the person. You know what? I know of adult men who spend too much time watching sports, fixing cars, and hunting. I also know of women who spend too much time drinking wine, going out with friends, and partaking in their hobbies too. It's not the hobbies, it's the person. You can be responsible, pay bills, and be a good husband/provider and have hobbies like gaming and Legos.  (btw, I don't do the Lego thing) You just shouldn't take it to an extreme, and my fear is that the husband of the OP is doing that. 

 

5 minutes ago, Just_A_Guy said:

Sadly, we are seeing an increase in youth who think spiritual fulfillment is less about changing yourself into some idealized version and more about “being true to yourself”, warts and all.  It only takes one such person to seriously damage a marriage (as the OP shows us); and when you know your future spouse is unlikely to see a need for self-improvement the vetting process becomes far more important.

From what I’m seeing here, it looks like maybe the OP married her husband expecting they would both grow up (old paradigm) —but then learned that he considers himself a “finished product” (new patadigm).

We're seeing young people who want to um, er, fulfill natural desires (trying to be PG here) and think that getting married will let them do so without understanding the responsibility that comes with it. So they'll marry someone they've known for four months because of social/religious pressure and then they are shocked-shocked! when they find out things about their spouse that, if given enough time, would have come out normally in the growth of a relationship. 

[zil]

3 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

I don't do the Lego thing

Only because you still haven't figured out where I hid them.

PS: The new emojis suck compared to the old ones.

[Guest MormonGator]

Just now, zil said:

Only because you still haven't figured out where I hid them.

PS: The new emojis suck compared to the old ones.

So this is what you do instead of accounts receivable all day?! I am SO moving you back to secretarial duties. 

[zil]

2 minutes ago, zil said:

PS: The new emojis suck compared to the old ones.

Proof:

🐊

That's a crocodile (though you'd need a microscope to figure that out).  Not a gator in sight.  Discrimination, I tell you!

[unixknight]

Step 1: Stop enabling him.  If he isn't earning any income then he shouldn't be blowing household funds on Legos or video games.  He obviously isn't going to change when the status quo is comfortable for him.

Step 2: Let him know of your doubts about your future.  He may not be aware (even if you have shared some of that already)

Step 3: Get some advice from a professional marriage counsellor.  They see this all the time.

And yes, he does need to learn to be a real man.  The definition of which is this: The security, health and well being of his family is his first priority by means of the gifts God has given him.  

(Yes, this is similar to how I would define a real Woman, but she usually has different gifts to work with.)

[omegaseamaster75]

16 hours ago, MormonGator said:

I understand. I see some people (and they always do this, and I don't mean you @zil) blame the video games, the RPG's, or the comic books instead of the person. You know what? I know of adult men who spend too much time watching sports, fixing cars, and hunting. I also know of women who spend too much time drinking wine, going out with friends, and partaking in their hobbies too. It's not the hobbies, it's the person. You can be responsible, pay bills, and be a good husband/provider and have hobbies like gaming and Legos.  (btw, I don't do the Lego thing) You just shouldn't take it to an extreme, and my fear is that the husband of the OP is doing that. 

Nail hit squarely on the head. 

[Guest]

On 5/15/2018 at 10:19 AM, zil said:

So here's a couple questions which I think only the men on the board can answer:

1) How does a man learn to be a man (a responsible provider for his family)?

I'm not sure.  It was something I always understood.  That's what you're supposed to do.  I don't even remember ever formally being taught such a thing.  Of all the things that I heard in general conference about how to treat women, it was always 1) Don't beat them up 2) No sex outside of marriage.  As long as those two are covered, then there are other things about human interaction that come into play like 

• Be a responsible human being.
• Show charity to others. (which would cover "don't beat them up").
• Be unselfish

Quote

2) What can a wife do (or not do) to best help him adopt that role?

She can show him that she believes in him.  My wife has always done that for me even when things were down.  But in my case, she knew that I was always trying.  No matter what, I was always trying to provide.  And I always knew and accepted my responsibilities as a provider.  If I did not, then that was a failure on my part and I needed to step up.  But the motivation to do so came from both my acceptance of the role as well as my wife's confidence in me.

Quote

3) From whom (if anyone) might she correctly seek assistance for him?

If there's a way to salvage it (she paints a pretty bleak picture) then it has to be from a place of love and encouragement.  Sometimes, that means tough love.

But if we take this description at face value, then, it sounds like he's putting his own desires ahead of his wife's needs.  That is not a good place to be.

Edited May 16, 2018 by Guest

[Guest]

21 hours ago, MormonGator said:

We're seeing young people who want to um, er, fulfill natural desires (trying to be PG here) and think that getting married will let them do so without understanding the responsibility that comes with it. So they'll marry someone they've known for four months because of social/religious pressure and then they are shocked-shocked! when they find out things about their spouse that, if given enough time, would have come out normally in the growth of a relationship. 

I would not disagree too strongly with this idea.  But I don't see why that has to be.

I would think that a person's predilection for dirty jokes and children's toys to the point of bankruptcy would have come out in the courting phase in less than one month.  Or possibly the tendency to not be fiscally responsible would have come out in that time.  One would think people would discuss these things at least once in four months.

Honestly, my wife and I spent one month courting before we began talking about marriage.  We were "pre-engaged" (decided to get married prior to the formal proposal and ring) another two or three months after.  In that time period, we discussed all the important things. We covered attitudes towards finances.  We discussed sex.  We discussed children.  We discussed various doctrines -- especially those which would motivate certain behaviors such as the details of the Word of Wisdom and tithing.  We found we agreed on it all.  She even liked kim chee.  .  Her only flaw is that she didn't like Star Trek (some people just don't have any culture to them).

The fact that parents don't teach their children to have such conversations during courtship is irresponsible.  If they did teach it, but the kids simply didn't have the talk, then they were being irresponsible.  Hormones, desires, social pressure, have nothing to do with that being par for the course.

I'll make another admission.  After we were married, and I was beginning to make real money, I began to spend irresponsibly.  I'd never had any money before.  So, I kinda lost myself.  My wife called me on it.  When she did, I tried making excuses that it wasn't that much or some such.  But she repeated to me my own words as we had discussed prior to our marriage.  I knew I was wrong, convicted by my own words.  So, I changed my spending.  What else could I do?

Do some people flat out lie in such discussions?  Sure.  But these discussions comprise a sort of "soft contract".  Also, when people are as vociferous as my wife and I are, it becomes quite obvious when we're faking something vs. when we're being sincere.  That is why we make lousy liars.

I sometimes wonder how good it would be to enter into such conversations with a desire to "get along".  I would think that this conversation would require one to be VERY opinionated.  This is not the time to compromise positions or attitudes.  This is the time to prove all things.  Hold fast to that which is good.  Then decide whether what you have is acceptable.

[Guest MormonGator]

3 minutes ago, Carborendum said:

Her only flaw is that she didn't like Star Trek

Her biggest flaw is her choice in men, but anyway. 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, MormonGator said:

Her biggest flaw is her choice in men, but anyway. 

DOHHH!!!  BURN!!!

[Guest MormonGator]

1 minute ago, Carborendum said:

DOHHH!!!  BURN!!!

Just playing bud. 

[Overwatch]

On 5/14/2018 at 10:51 PM, Julia1994 said:

Hello everyone! I need advice! 

Me and my husband is married for 1,5 years.

He had problems with pornography, so that’s why we didn’t sealed before. (Recently he stopped watching it! So that a big step for us!!! )

So we married and moved together, and first month of our marriage he lost his job. Instead of trying to find a new one, he just played video game A LOT!!!! I was shocked! He never told me that he is playing video games! 

Also he loves collecting LEGO’s and he spent about 100$ a month for it. We even have a lego room! 

All first year we were struggling with money, we don’t have enough income to cover all our expenses. And he is not trying to change it. 

3 month ago he finally got a well paid job. And he got fired again! 

It have been a month, and he still didn’t find one! 

He got his temple recommendation recently  and he talks about getting sealed. But I feel that I don’t want to be sealed with him, because he can provide for his family. I feel like I’m married to a kid. Sometimes I regret I married him! I don’t know what to do. Help me! 

There is a lot missing here.

Where did you guys meet?  Looks like marrying an American ended up being pretty lame for you

Joking aside let's examine your husband:

-Porn Consumer (past issue)

-Collects Legos

-Spending money you don't have

-Got fired again from a job

-Married a foreigner at 27 yrs old (no offense)

-doesn't want to change bad habits

-Recently got a Temple recommend

1. Porn Consumption - Glad to hear it was in the past. Do you know his history?  Why, when and where he first started consuming porn?  Is he socially awkward around women?  Is he happy with your marriage?

2. Collects Lego - Interesting that he collects toys, not really surprising as they are very fun to build.  Do you know his family history?  Was he abused? Did he have everything taken from him as a child? Might be good to find out. *Side note, legos retain and also gain value. Sell them to collectors online and get your money back.

3. Plays video games for hours on end.  What kind does he play?  Shooters? Indie?  MMOs? What is he trying to tune out?  What is he trying to forget?  It is quite possible your husband is very depressed and overwhelmed with his life.  He needs more sleep so he doesn't keep getting fired. Make sure he goes to bed on time to keep his mind sharp.

4. Spending money you don't have - Sign of emotional illness and/or lack of knowledge of finances and a disregard for reality. He needs financial classes and therapy MOST LIKELY.

5. Multiple times fired from a job - Social awkwardness, Bad work ethic, despises authority figures and/or doesn't have a grasp on reality (again) He needs an intervention and quick

6. It just seems odd that he got married later on in life to a foreigner... does he have a degree?  Was he working the whole time from 18-27? What has this man been doing all these years. Why didn't a nice girl IN UTAH of all places snag him up?  Things just seem odd there.

7. Doesn't want to change. Huge RED FLAG, start a backup plan to get out.

8. Recently got a Temple Recommend - This appears to be a saving grace perhaps? Means he is not looking at porn anymore (or lied) but let's assume the best.

If you are citizen, you need to sit down with your husband and make a plan. Sell those stupid legos and get him to commit to getting and keeping a new job. Have him set a limit to his game time on his days off and set a shut off time. Get him to financial classes offered by your church or any other non-profit. If he changes then Seal!!!!!  If not then find a new spouse.

If you are not a US citizen do the same as above but if he REFUSES to change then might as well get a dual citizenship and go home to your family.

*NOTE: REFUSE meaning does not even make an effort and doesn't care. Relapse is different, if he has a desire but struggles he will need all you can give to him with support.

Marriage is not a game. It is the hardest thing you will ever volunteer to do. You didn't even know he played video games, so, some homework on your end might have been missed. You got some hard work ahead of you BUT you can do it!

Seek the counsel of your leaders and MOST of ALL GOD our Father. He will help you  C  :

Best wishes.

 

 

 

Edited May 27, 2018 by Overwatch
*

[NightSG]

On 5/16/2018 at 10:52 AM, unixknight said:

And yes, he does need to learn to be a real man.  The definition of which is this: The security, health and well being of his family is his first priority by means of the gifts God has given him.  

This, and "Is there anything in your conduct relating to members of your family that is not in harmony with the teachings of the Church?"

Yeah, if he got a TR, he's either lying or severely delusional.