Different Revelation

[hopefornow]

So my husband and I got married about 2 years ago, but since September of last year, we have been separated. My husband has been dealing with some difficult mental health issues and always felt he couldn’t bring it up with me because I struggle with my own mental health and he felt the need to protect me. It just kind of came to a head one day and he moved back home with his parents. It took me by complete shock and it was really hard. However, I’ve seen a lot of good out of this. A lot of personal growth for both of us, and even financial situations we wouldn’t have been able to handle had we not been separated.

But still, we have not yet been able to work things out. We have both prayed and worked so hard on trying to fix our communication issues and help get us both into a better place mentally. I’m 10x better mentally than I was almost a year ago. And while we were still in therapy our communication did really improve. But my husband’s mental state has not changed much, although it is somewhat better. He is afraid to get on medication, so that’s not really helping. But even with all this it had seemed to be going really well and looking up until May, when he told me he was mentally and emotionally exhausted and couldn’t do it anymore.

The thing is, he doesn’t want to get divorced. Neither do I. We both love each other very much. But he doesn’t see how we can fix things, and sometimes I fall into that frame of thinking too. But the thing that is most unsettling and stressful about this whole situation is that we get completely opposite revelation. What he has been feeling is that marriage is hard, but not meant to be this hard, and he needs to take a step back. Yet I am constantly told that I need to keep fighting and trying. Every time I get discouraged, an old friend says something so perfectly applicable to how I’m feeling, something they couldn’t possibly know, that encourages me to keep trying, or I read a scripture or article that humbled me and helps me to trust in God’s revelation that He has given to me. But it is terrifying to know how different our revelation is. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t help us progress, and it just hurts both of us because we have no idea what to do. How do we navigate this trial together when he feels he needs to stop trying and I feel that I need to keep going? Why would God send us such different revelations? Am I just crazy? 

If anyone has had a similar experience or has some advice, please let me know. I miss him, and I’m scared not knowing what’s going to happen. 

Also I always feel weird about asking things on here, so bear with me if I’m edging around things. If you need me to clarify just let me know.

[NeuroTypical]

Glad you're doing better, but this marriage sounds like it never should have happened in the first place. 

Guys who get married, and go live with mommy and daddy, but still want to be married, shouldn't be married.  It doesn't matter how much better you're doing - he's either unable or unwilling to be a husband.  

I'm sorry.  

[Manners Matter]

I'm sorry you're going through this but am glad you're doing better. 

To me, the 'revelation' he's getting is the mental illness speaking. To help with the mental illness, I've seen an ad on LDS Living for something that has helped people. (can't remember what it's called right now - maybe someone else here knows) At any rate, look into all the options to help with the mental illness.

That's it for now but will chime back in if more comes to mind. Hang in there and have faith. {hugs}

[hopefornow]

4 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Glad you're doing better, but this marriage sounds like it never should have happened in the first place. 

Guys who get married, and go live with mommy and daddy, but still want to be married, shouldn't be married.  It doesn't matter how much better you're doing - he's either unable or unwilling to be a husband.  

I'm sorry.  

Sorry, but this is not what I am concerned about, and honestly quite rude. What I wrote in this post is the tiniest piece of the puzzle, hardly including his side of the story and exactly what he is dealing with. This was a big assumption to make off a little bit of information. This is exactly why I get afraid to post on these types of forums.

[hopefornow]

2 hours ago, Manners Matter said:

I'm sorry you're going through this but am glad you're doing better. 

To me, the 'revelation' he's getting is the mental illness speaking. To help with the mental illness, I've seen an ad on LDS Living for something that has helped people. (can't remember what it's called right now - maybe someone else here knows) At any rate, look into all the options to help with the mental illness.

That's it for now but will chime back in if more comes to mind. Hang in there and have faith. {hugs}

Thank you for being so kind. 

That sounds familiar, I’ll look for it. And I do agree, I think it is definitely mental health related. I’m just not sure if Heavenly Father knows that he needs some space or if it’s fully mental health. I just also know that I feel very impressed to stay with him and keep trying.

[mrmarklin]

On 7/5/2019 at 8:33 PM, hopefornow said:

Sorry, but this is not what I am concerned about, and honestly quite rude. What I wrote in this post is the tiniest piece of the puzzle, hardly including his side of the story and exactly what he is dealing with. This was a big assumption to make off a little bit of information. This is exactly why I get afraid to post on these types of forums.

Don’t be unfair to the poster. Based on the information given, this was a decent answer. I happened to agree with it. 

[Latter-Day Marriage]

There are lots of cases where two people both feel they are prompted/inspired/directed by God towards opposite paths.  We can easily project our own desires onto God, Satan can try to mislead us, and sadly mental health issues can play a role in something like this.

The bottom line is that in a case like that one or both are not actually getting revelation from God.  All you can do is look inside and honestly ask if you are projecting onto God something not from God.  If you are, then you go back to square one of finding out from God what to do because the other person could be wrong too.  Praying about it together, first one praying then the other, might be helpful but in the end you need to go by what is revealed to you, not some unconfirmed claim by somebody else about what was revealed to them.

[Just_A_Guy]

On 7/6/2019 at 9:35 PM, mrmarklin said:

Don’t be unfair to the poster. Based on the information given, this was a decent answer. I happened to agree with it. 

I agree.  

As for the “revelation” question—we can drive ourselves batty trying to analyze and explain the self-reported “revelations” of others, without ever getting any closer to the truth.  All we can ultimately do is evaluate and follow our own revelations; and choose not to be a victim of the mind games of others. 

And this does sound an awful lot like some weird mind game.  He says he’s done with the marriage, but he doesn’t want a divorce?  Why?  What is he still getting out of this marriage, at this point, that he doesn’t want to give up but that he isn’t willing to pay the traditional price for?

[e v e]

On 7/5/2019 at 5:56 PM, hopefornow said:

So my husband and I got married about 2 years ago, but since September of last year, we have been separated. My husband has been dealing with some difficult mental health issues and always felt he couldn’t bring it up with me because I struggle with my own mental health and he felt the need to protect me. It just kind of came to a head one day and he moved back home with his parents. It took me by complete shock and it was really hard. However, I’ve seen a lot of good out of this. A lot of personal growth for both of us, and even financial situations we wouldn’t have been able to handle had we not been separated.

But still, we have not yet been able to work things out. We have both prayed and worked so hard on trying to fix our communication issues and help get us both into a better place mentally. I’m 10x better mentally than I was almost a year ago. And while we were still in therapy our communication did really improve. But my husband’s mental state has not changed much, although it is somewhat better. He is afraid to get on medication, so that’s not really helping. But even with all this it had seemed to be going really well and looking up until May, when he told me he was mentally and emotionally exhausted and couldn’t do it anymore.

The thing is, he doesn’t want to get divorced. Neither do I. We both love each other very much. But he doesn’t see how we can fix things, and sometimes I fall into that frame of thinking too. But the thing that is most unsettling and stressful about this whole situation is that we get completely opposite revelation. What he has been feeling is that marriage is hard, but not meant to be this hard, and he needs to take a step back. Yet I am constantly told that I need to keep fighting and trying. Every time I get discouraged, an old friend says something so perfectly applicable to how I’m feeling, something they couldn’t possibly know, that encourages me to keep trying, or I read a scripture or article that humbled me and helps me to trust in God’s revelation that He has given to me. But it is terrifying to know how different our revelation is. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t help us progress, and it just hurts both of us because we have no idea what to do. How do we navigate this trial together when he feels he needs to stop trying and I feel that I need to keep going? Why would God send us such different revelations? Am I just crazy? 

If anyone has had a similar experience or has some advice, please let me know. I miss him, and I’m scared not knowing what’s going to happen. 

Also I always feel weird about asking things on here, so bear with me if I’m edging around things. If you need me to clarify just let me know.

I would skip therapy. Often, a third party can complicate things... so my opinion, as a complete stranger, is for you and he to decide to trust each other and put others second in line, except for God. There is nothing wrong with having a long distance relationship, where you live apart but talk. I wouldn't feel you need to do more than that to consider marriage a success. I know that sounds weird. Most try to express the idea of progress. But consider that the only progress is to God... for all of us here..to be with Him. And that you are doing very well, you love each other and then just stop beating yourselves up... and if that is the case, it's okay not to have to feel you need to meet someone else's expecations. Only God is important. You love each other. Focus on that and don't worry about the externals in this world.  ❤️

Edited February 6, 2020 by e v e