Hi I need some advice for my temple recommend interview, i'm not sure what to tell the Bishop about my past

[JGarcia 21]

I have been a member since I was 9 and I grew up going to church with my mom and step father. I was inactive for a while from when I was 15 - 23 I started going back to church around September last year, and I have been doing good at keeping commandments and attending church. I was meant to have a temple recommend interview on Friday but I panicked and canceled it because I have a son with my ex and I don't see him and I had a feeling that this wouldn't fly with the bishop. Do you think I should tell him I have a son I don't see? I really don't want to tell him because I have heard him speak about how important it is for children to have good fathers and I know how important families are to the gospel. Do you think that I wont be able to get a temple recommend because of it? I feel like it's kind of a sin that I don't help care for my son but I kind of feel like I repented of it, so i'm not sure what to do. 

[Midwest LDS 1380]

18 hours ago, JGarcia said:

I have been a member since I was 9 and I grew up going to church with my mom and step father. I was inactive for a while from when I was 15 - 23 I started going back to church around September last year, and I have been doing good at keeping commandments and attending church. I was meant to have a temple recommend interview on Friday but I panicked and canceled it because I have a son with my ex and I don't see him and I had a feeling that this wouldn't fly with the bishop. Do you think I should tell him I have a son I don't see? I really don't want to tell him because I have heard him speak about how important it is for children to have good fathers and I know how important families are to the gospel. Do you think that I wont be able to get a temple recommend because of it? I feel like it's kind of a sin that I don't help care for my son but I kind of feel like I repented of it, so i'm not sure what to do. 

Welcome to the forum brother! Firstly, the answer to every question about whether or not you should share something with the bishop is yes! It sounds like you have been working on turning your life around, which is great. Would you truly feel comfortable if you hid something from the Lord's servant in order to obtain a temple recommend? Of course not. Talk to him and be honest about your life so when you get your reccomend your conscience will be free and clear.

Secondly, do right by your son. You may not have a lot to do with him at the moment, but he's your son. Whether you had him intentionally or not, it's your responsibility to do what you can for him. Maybe all that is right now is phone calls or some money sent for his support, but you need to do everything you can to help him out. God expects us to care for our children, and if you want to show him that you have truly changed you need to do everything you can to take care of and nurture your son. Best of luck on your journey back to Christ brother.

Edited July 15, 2019 by Midwest LDS

[NeuroTypical 8147]

Hi and welcome JGarcia,

Absolutely you should tell your bishop about this.  There's even a part in the interview that is a perfect time to bring up your ex and son, and your concerns.  You'll know it when you see it.

Like MidwestLDS said, if you leave something like this un-talked about, you're setting yourself up to have your temple experience be all about the anxiety around whether you lied or hid or sinned or are really worthy to be there, or a thousand other anxieties.  Get it out in the open and resolve it with your bishop.  That way, going to the temple can be about going to the temple.

Welcome!

[JGarcia 21]

10 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

Hi and welcome JGarcia,

Absolutely you should tell your bishop about this.  There's even a part in the interview that is a perfect time to bring up your ex and son, and your concerns.  You'll know it when you see it.

Like MidwestLDS said, if you leave something like this un-talked about, you're setting yourself up to have your temple experience be all about the anxiety around whether you lied or hid or sinned or are really worthy to be there, or a thousand other anxieties.  Get it out in the open and resolve it with your bishop.  That way, going to the temple can be about going to the temple.

Welcome!

I am unsure how to resolve it though. I can't reverse that I have a son and I don't want to tell the bishop that I have a son if it will be a barrier for me going to the temple. I do want to be honest but I am nervous because I don't know a way that I will be forgiven if I tell my bishop. 

[JGarcia 21]

11 hours ago, Midwest LDS said:

Secondly, do right by your son. You may not have a lot to do with him at the moment, but he's your son. Whether you had him intentionally or not, it's your responsibility to do what you can for him. Maybe all that is right now is phone calls or some money sent for his support, but you need to do everything you can to help him out. God expects us to care for our children, and if you want to show him that you have truly changed you need to do everything you can to take care of and nurture your son. Best of luck on your journey back to Christ brother.

I have a mixed emotions about it because I want to leave it in my past that I have a son and move on from it. But at the same time when I am ready to be a dad I want to be involved in his life. 

[Just_A_Guy 10478]

To the extent that there’s a violation of the Law of Chastity in your past—that is “fixable”, from the standpoint of getting a temple recommend.  It may take a little longer than you’d like, but it’s do-able.

You should be aware, though, that one of the questions for the TR interview is whether you’re current on any child support obligations; and that’s regardless of whether you actually see the child or not.  

[Midwest LDS 1380]

5 hours ago, JGarcia said:

I have a mixed emotions about it because I want to leave it in my past that I have a son and move on from it. But at the same time when I am ready to be a dad I want to be involved in his life. 

I understand not wanting to think about an earlier period of your life when you weren't living the commandments. But you can't move on from having a son. He always will be yours, no matter how much you try to distance yourself from him. Because of that, you owe him love and support. As @Just_A_Guy states as well, one of the temple reccomend questions is about being current on child support obligations. The Lord expects you to care for him to the best of your ability. You may not be ready to be a dad, but you are one and you need to do the best you can for him. You can do it, most of us aren't fully ready when we have a child ( I have a toddler myself) and it involves a lot of on the job training, but start with what you can do (if you aren't all ready) by sending money, clothing, etc. to your ex to help support your son. Trust me you will be glad you did.

[JGarcia 21]

1 hour ago, Just_A_Guy said:

To the extent that there’s a violation of the Law of Chastity in your past—that is “fixable”, from the standpoint of getting a temple recommend.  It may take a little longer than you’d like, but it’s do-able.

You should be aware, though, that one of the questions for the TR interview is whether you’re current on any child support obligations; and that’s regardless of whether you actually see the child or not.  

I know that I have already repented from breaking the Law of Chastity but I am worried my bishop will think it's bad that I abandoned my son and he won't let me have a temple recommend for that reason 

[JGarcia 21]

1 hour ago, Midwest LDS said:

I understand not wanting to think about an earlier period of your life when you weren't living the commandments. But you can't move on from having a son. He always will be yours, no matter how much you try to distance yourself from him. Because of that, you owe him love and support. As @Just_A_Guy states as well, one of the temple reccomend questions is about being current on child support obligations. The Lord expects you to care for him to the best of your ability. You may not be ready to be a dad, but you are one and you need to do the best you can for him. You can do it, most of us aren't fully ready when we have a child ( I have a toddler myself) and it involves a lot of on the job training, but start with what you can do (if you aren't all ready) by sending money, clothing, etc. to your ex to help support your son. Trust me you will be glad you did.

Yeah my ex told me whenever I am ready I can start seeing our son, and then she messaged me a few months ago saying he had been asking for me (not me specifically, he had just been asking for his dad) but I didn't want to go and see him then. I think in a few years I will be ready to begin seeing him and caring for him. 

[NeuroTypical 8147]

6 hours ago, JGarcia said:

I am unsure how to resolve it though. I can't reverse that I have a son and I don't want to tell the bishop that I have a son if it will be a barrier for me going to the temple.

You'll find quickly that this church is very principle based.  You tell the bishop because it's the right thing to do.  Doesn't matter if it makes things complicated or smooth, it's the right thing to do.   That's how you resolve it - by sharing this issue with the bishop and counseling with him to get it all taken care of.   Just imagine - you sitting there full of peace and comfort, knowing that you resolved this, and it's not a worry anymore.

[JGarcia 21]

3 hours ago, NeuroTypical said:

You'll find quickly that this church is very principle based.  You tell the bishop because it's the right thing to do.  Doesn't matter if it makes things complicated or smooth, it's the right thing to do.   That's how you resolve it - by sharing this issue with the bishop and counseling with him to get it all taken care of.   Just imagine - you sitting there full of peace and comfort, knowing that you resolved this, and it's not a worry anymore.

What I am scared of is if the Bishop tells me I can't go to them temple until I start caring for my son or helping to provide for him in some way, because I'm not ready to yet so it could be a really long time. Do you think he will say something like that to me? I'm not sure whether not caring for your child is a sin, I do know family is really important and central to the gospel 

[Alia 53]

On 7/14/2019 at 8:41 PM, JGarcia said:

I have been a member since I was 9 and I grew up going to church with my mom and step father. I was inactive for a while from when I was 15 - 23 I started going back to church around September last year, and I have been doing good at keeping commandments and attending church. I was meant to have a temple recommend interview on Friday but I panicked and canceled it because I have a son with my ex and I don't see him and I had a feeling that this wouldn't fly with the bishop. Do you think I should tell him I have a son I don't see? I really don't want to tell him because I have heard him speak about how important it is for children to have good fathers and I know how important families are to the gospel. Do you think that I wont be able to get a temple recommend because of it? I feel like it's kind of a sin that I don't help care for my son but I kind of feel like I repented of it, so i'm not sure what to do. 

Firstly, you should tell your bishop. 

My brother in law had a similar situation he had a child when he was disinterested in the church and he did have sporadic interactions with his daughter but nothing stable and he wasn't really involved in her life. I don't think his bishop pushed him to see his child more, but as the gospel became more important to my brother in law, he felt he needed to share it with his daughter and obviously the only way he could do that was by building a relationship with her. I think you will find it very natural to want to be involved in your son's life more as you grow in the gospel. 

[unixknight 3377]

11 hours ago, JGarcia said:

I am unsure how to resolve it though. I can't reverse that I have a son and I don't want to tell the bishop that I have a son if it will be a barrier for me going to the temple. I do want to be honest but I am nervous because I don't know a way that I will be forgiven if I tell my bishop. 

So you're thinking... what?  You'll just keep quiet about it, lie when asked about being current with your obligations, and still expect to be worthy?  Not a good plan.

11 hours ago, JGarcia said:

I have a mixed emotions about it because I want to leave it in my past that I have a son and move on from it. But at the same time when I am ready to be a dad I want to be involved in his life. 

You're a dad whether you're ready or not, bro.  The only choice you have is whether to be a good one or a bad one.

[NeuroTypical 8147]

46 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

What I am scared of is if the Bishop tells me I can't go to them temple until I start caring for my son or helping to provide for him in some way, because I'm not ready to yet so it could be a really long time. 

Like unix said - you are a father.  Go face your fear and talk to your bishop.

[JGarcia 21]

9 minutes ago, unixknight said:

So you're thinking... what?  You'll just keep quiet about it, lie when asked about being current with your obligations, and still expect to be worthy?  Not a good plan.

11 hours ago, JGarcia said:

It's just that I don't have any current obligations to my son. I do want to be honest but I feel really uncomfortable about it. 

11 minutes ago, unixknight said:

You're a dad whether you're ready or not, bro.  The only choice you have is whether to be a good one or a bad one.

I know kind of but I want to wait a while longer before being a dad as I am not ready. 

[unixknight 3377]

Just now, JGarcia said:

It's just that I don't have any current obligations to my son. I do want to be honest but I feel really uncomfortable about it. 

You don't?  How do figure?

Just now, JGarcia said:

I know kind of but I want to wait a while longer before being a dad as I am not ready. 

Define "ready."  Because every minute you use that as a reason to not do anything for your son, you're choosing yourself over him.  

[JGarcia 21]

5 minutes ago, NeuroTypical said:

Like unix said - you are a father.  Go face your fear and talk to your bishop.

My Ex and I agreed that when I am ready to be a father I can come and see our son 

[NeuroTypical 8147]

So JGarcia, you asked, we answered.  Yes, tell your bishop about your son.  It doesn't really matter what other details you have to share, our answer isn't going to change.

Thanks for asking our opinion.  Happy meeting with the bishop!

[JGarcia 21]

2 minutes ago, unixknight said:

You don't?  How do figure?

4 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

Because I don't see him or pay for him.

 

5 minutes ago, unixknight said:

Define "ready."  Because every minute you use that as a reason to not do anything for your son, you're choosing yourself over him.  

 It's just I am not sure I can commit to being his dad yet. I don't want to see him a few times and then not see him again 

[JGarcia 21]

Just now, NeuroTypical said:

So JGarcia, you asked, we answered.  Yes, tell your bishop about your son.  It doesn't really matter what other details you have to share, our answer isn't going to change.

Thanks for asking our opinion.  Happy meeting with the bishop!

Yeah of course I can tell him but like I said it's just that I am nervous about what he will ask me to do and what he will think of me okay. 

[unixknight 3377]

1 minute ago, JGarcia said:

Because I don't see him or pay for him.

So... not meeting that responsibility means the responsibility doesn't exist?  That isn't how it works, brother.

1 minute ago, JGarcia said:

 It's just I am not sure I can commit to being his dad yet. I don't want to see him a few times and then not see him again 

As I said, you're his dad already.  But until you actually do something about that, you're being a very poor one.

[Mores 1139]

3 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

Yeah of course I can tell him but like I said it's just that I am nervous about what he will ask me to do and what he will think of me okay. 

Being nervous is understandable.  But the bottom line is: What is the right thing to do?  If you can't do it right now, what can you do to get yourself into the position to do the right thing?

Being afraid and hiding the truth will automatically choose a path away from doing the right thing and away from truth.  If you want to run away from the truth, do you honestly think you can believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Edited July 15, 2019 by Mores

[JGarcia 21]

2 minutes ago, unixknight said:

As I said, you're his dad already.  But until you actually do something about that, you're being a very poor one.

I know I am and that's why I am kind of hesitant to tell the bishop I am not ashamed of my son I am ashamed of myself. 

But hopefully I will be able to be honest and he will understand me

[unixknight 3377]

2 minutes ago, JGarcia said:

I know I am and that's why I am kind of hesitant to tell the bishop I am not ashamed of my son I am ashamed of myself. 

But hopefully I will be able to be honest and he will understand me

I hope so too, man.  Sincerely.  You don't want to use a lie to get a recommend.  Just be honest.  You won't regret it.  I know it's scary, but you can do it.  It'll be worth it, I promise.

[JGarcia 21]

2 minutes ago, Mores said:

Being nervous is understandable.  But the bottom line is: What is the right thing to do?  If you can't do it right now, what can you do to get yourself into the position to do the right thing?

 

Yeah I know that is why I cancelled the meeting because I didn't feel able to be honest with the bishop. I don't know when I will rearrange it for because even though I want to go to the temple I am struggling to be honest and I don't want to lie.

 

6 minutes ago, Mores said:

 Being afraid and hiding the truth will automatically choose a path away from doing the right thing and away from truth.  If you want to run away from the truth, do you really believe you can believe in the gospel of Jesus Christ?

Yes I do I believe in the gospel.