Another Joke Thread

[Jeny]

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when

suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the

Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride

over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous

challenges for that

kind of undertaking. The supports required would reach the bottom of

the Pacific!

The concrete and steel it would take!

It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it

is hard for me to justify

your desire for worldly things.

Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and

glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,

"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she

feels inside, what

she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,

what she means

when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Jeny]

Kids are quick .

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: Maria.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

_______________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago .

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."

MILLIE: I is...

TEACHER: No, Millie.... Always say, "I am."

MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

_________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louis, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

__________

____________________

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

Harold: A teacher.

[Captain-Jack]

Adam was in the Garden of Eden before Eve came along. One day while he was walking around, skulking a bit, God asked him what was wrong. Adam replied, "I am alone here, all the other beasts and fowl have a mate, but I do not."

So God thought for a moment, then answered that he would create a woman for Adam.

Adam, quite curious, responded, "What is this 'woman'?"

God answered again, "She will be the most beautiful creature, she will love you for all that you are, never bother you about how you take care of yourself or how you run the Garden. She will respect you for all the work you do, she will never ask a loaded question. She will never hold you responsible for things out side of your control. She will know exactly how you think and will comfort you whenever you are in need. She will be everything to you, and you will be everything to her."

Adam, excited at this prospect, "When may I have her?"

God smiled and said, "She will cost you Adam. For me to make her for you, you will need to give up one hand, one leg, one eye, one ear, one kidney, one lung, half your teeth, and half of what makes you a man."

Adam thought for a moment, "What can I get for a rib?"

[MorningStar]

Try this one.

You ask, "What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

If the person says, "I don't know", you say, "So you're the one!"

[Ron Beron]

Knock knock....

Who's there?

Ya

Ya who?

Are we having fun or what!

[Still_Small_Voice]

Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted a party in her home. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.

[Captain-Jack]

Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted a party in her home. People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same.

Hilary Clinton! Ha ha ha, oh wow. I didn't get the rest but that part made me laugh!

[siouxz72]

My little brother's two favorite jokes to tell when he was a little kid were these....

Q: What do you say to a blue monster?

A: Cheer up!

Q: Where do sick boats go?

A: To the Dock!

haha! i know...corny...but still funny!

[siouxz72]

Try this one.

You ask, "What's the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"

If the person says, "I don't know", you say, "So you're the one!"

okay...this is so gross, but true! it happened a couple weekends ago when my son was spending the night at his friends house.. no tp in the upstairs bathroom so one of the younger brothers actually used the shower curtain!! grody!!!

[Still_Small_Voice]

Hilary Clinton! Ha ha ha, oh wow. I didn't get the rest but that part made me laugh!

When she and her husband left the White House they stole a lot of furniture. I think that Hillary said they put it all back. Somehow I find her statement hard to believe.

[MorningStar]

okay...this is so gross, but true! it happened a couple weekends ago when my son was spending the night at his friends house.. no tp in the upstairs bathroom so one of the younger brothers actually used the shower curtain!! grody!!!

Gross! They didn't try to flush it, did they?

[avatar4321]

What's big and red and bad for your teeth?

A brick

[Lolgirl]

Lessons in Logic

If your father is a poor man,

it is your fate but,

if your father-in-law is a poor man,

it's your stupidity.

..........................................................................

I was born intelligent -

education ruined me.

..........................................................................

Practice makes perfect.....

But nobody's perfect......

so why practice?

..........................................................................

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

..........................................................................

Since light travels faster than sound,

people appear bright until you hear them speak.

..........................................................................

How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?

..........................................................................

Money is not everything.

There's Mastercard & Visa.

..........................................................................

One should love animals.

They are so tasty.

..........................................................................

Behind every successful man, there is a woman

And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

..........................................................................

Every man should marry.

After all, happiness is not the only thing in

life.

..........................................................................

The wise never marry.

and when they marry they become otherwise.

..........................................................................

Success is a relative term.

It brings so many relatives.

..........................................................................

Never put off the work till tomorrow

what you can put off today.

..........................................................................

"Your future depends on your dreams"

So go to sleep

..........................................................................

There should be a better way to start a day

Than waking up every morning

..........................................................................

"Hard work never killed anybody"

But why take the risk

..........................................................................

"Work fascinates me"

I can look at it for hours

..........................................................................

God made relatives;

Thank God we can choose our friends.

..........................................................................

The more you learn, the more you know,

The more you know, the more you forget

The more you forget, the less you know

So.. why learn.

..........................................................................

A bus station is where a bus stops.

A train station is where a train stops.

On my desk, I have a work station....

what more can I say........

[poulsenll]

Fo all of you who love to wash dishes/

How do you tell apart an engineer, a biologist and a chemist.

Give each of them cupand ask them if it is clean.

The chemist will check it to determine if there is any visible or invisible chemical contaminants on the inside of the cup.

The bioogist will test it to see if it is sterile and that there is no microbial contamination.

The engineer will look in the cup, turn it upside down and if nothing falls out he will tell you that it is clean enough to use.

Larry P.

[Guest Iggy]

The engineer will look in the cup, turn it upside down and if nothing falls out he will tell you that it is clean enough to use.

Larry P.

My husband is a Stationary Engineer - that is so true. As long as nothing falls out, he'll eat off of it or drink from it!!!

[blackcat]

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when

suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the

Lord said:

"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant

you one wish.".....

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride

over anytime I want.".....Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and

glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said,

"Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she

feels inside, what

she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries,

what she means

when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Awesome joke where did you get the joke?

[Traveler]

My wife and I went out for a special weekend to a 5 star hotel in the San Francisco area – when we arrived at our hotel there was a chest convention going on and a lot of tables set up in the hotel lobby for the players that were very busy playing the games and slapping clocks. There was also a lot a talking among the players bragging about all the events, matches and chest masters they have won. It was really annoying.

Turning to my wife I said that if there is anything that chaps me - it’s “Chest Nuts Boosting in an Open Foyer”.

The Traveler

[imported_Elphaba]

My wife and I went out for a special weekend to a 5 star hotel in the San Francisco area – when we arrived at our hotel there was a chest convention going on and a lot of tables set up in the hotel lobby for the players that were very busy playing the games and slapping clocks. There was also a lot a talking among the players bragging about all the events, matches and chest masters they have won. It was really annoying.

Turning to my wife I said that if there is anything that chaps me - it’s “Chest Nuts Boosting in an Open Foyer”. The Traveler

I hope your wife is the only person you told that joke to. I have a feeling all of the "chess" players would have looked at you funny--the women would probably have slapped you.

Elphaba

[Guest Iggy]

My wife and I went out for a special weekend to a 5 star hotel in the San Francisco area – when we arrived at our hotel there was a chest (is this a spelling error?)convention going on and a lot of tables set up in the hotel lobby for the players that were very busy playing the games and slapping clocks. There was also a lot a talking among the players bragging about all the events, matches and chest (again is this a deliberate misspelling of the word chess?)masters they have won. It was really annoying.

Turning to my wife I said that if there is anything that chaps me - it’s “Chest Nuts Boosting in an Open Foyer”.

The Traveler

Is part of the joke the misspelling of the words Chess and Boasting? If it isn't then I think this is a gross and stupid joke.

[imported_Elphaba]

Is part of the joke the misspelling of the words Chess and Boasting? If it isn't then I think this is a gross and stupid joke.

Hi Iggy!

I've had the opportunity to have a few conversations with Traveler, and while he is a deep thinker, his spelling and grammar are not his strong points. So give the guy a break. I think he genuinely thought "chest" was the right word.

Elphaba

[Guest Iggy]

Hi Iggy!

I've had the opportunity to have a few conversations with Traveler, and while he is a deep thinker, his spelling and grammar are not his strong points. So give the guy a break. I think he genuinely thought "chest" was the right word.

Elphaba

Hi Elphaba

There is a BIG difference between Chess and Chest. I don't care how deep someone thinks, they should take care to proof read what they have written and use a dictionary. The Dictionary is readily available online and should be used by all thinkers. An added bonus is that you not only get the correct spelling but also the meaning of the words.

[Lolgirl]

Lol.Aw come on give the guy a break.Most people don't even notice that they made the mistakes and when they read over it they don't notice then sometimes too.