Returned Missionary Doubting The Church And God

[anthony]

I would like to thank everybody who has responded to my plea for guidance and advice. In reading these posts I have come to understand much and look at different points of view. I have decided not to give up on God, thanks in large part to the heart-felt responses of many of the members of this forum. The church, on the other hand, is something I will be giving up. It has been difficult to do this. It is always difficult to give up something upon which one has based his or her entire life. But I know this to be for the best. I also know that the church is false, with greater certainty than I ever knew it was true despite many years of trying to force myself to believe. This has been the result of serious questioning and investigation. I do not wish to offend anyone, I just thought you all should know what the result of my search for the truth has been. Thank you,

-Anthony

[Moksha]

Best of luck Searcher in finding what does work for you.

[ztodd]

Some of you may wonder, why is he doubting God instead of just the church? That is, after all, a more common problem. My reasoning is this- the organization of the church is wonderful. It is better and makes far more sense than any other church on the face of the earth. Therefore, if God exists, this is His church.

I also know that the church is false, with greater certainty than I ever knew it was true despite many years of trying to force myself to believe. This has been the result of serious questioning and investigation.

What a tragedy - within 4 days you've done a total 180 - I'm guessing you were referred to some material attacking the church, and since you weren't able to resolve it within your logical mind within 4 days, you've decided to do a complete reversal to everything you've learned up until now. Did this "serious questions and investigation" include equal time in studying scripture and church-approved and church-friendly material? Did it include fasting and praying in faith to your heavenly father? Did it include counseling with family and church leaders that you have come to trust? Come on now searcher, did you really give the church a fair chance? (4 days!?)

You must realize that all the anti-mormon material you've been struggling with has been dealth with by others who have struggled through the same issues, and there are answers. You must also realize that this church is composed of fallible humans, the same as any other church, and also realize that we are here to have our faith tested! The purpose of life is not to have everything proven to our logical minds, but it is to prove our faith to our heavenly father!

I sure hope you'll consider giving life-changing decisions such as this a lot more time and effort before you decide to give up completely. As you have already figured out, you need to make sure you receive a witness that God is there and He loves you - please consider following the example of Enos if that is what it takes- spend some time on your knees before and after fasting, pouring out your soul to your Father in Heaven, do a thorough review of the Word of God in the Bible and Book of Mormon, and spend time meditating on these words of life. Please give God this opportunity to be there for you.

[Alvarado]

I would like to thank everybody who has responded to my plea for guidance and advice. In reading these posts I have come to understand much and look at different points of view. I have decided not to give up on God, thanks in large part to the heart-felt responses of many of the members of this forum. The church, on the other hand, is something I will be giving up. It has been difficult to do this. It is always difficult to give up something upon which one has based his or her entire life. But I know this to be for the best. I also know that the church is false, with greater certainty than I ever knew it was true despite many years of trying to force myself to believe. This has been the result of serious questioning and investigation. I do not wish to offend anyone, I just thought you all should know what the result of my search for the truth has been. Thank you,

-Anthony

I'm stunned! Wow .

Good bye and good luck .

[Still_Small_Voice]

I have decided not to give up on God, thanks in large part to the heart-felt responses of many of the members of this forum. The church, on the other hand, is something I will be giving up.

When you say you are giving up on the church I hope that you are also not giving up on God's holy commandments. I know with certainty that the commandments Jehovah gave to Moses are true and good. The teachings Jesus spoke that are recorded in the scriptures are true and will save us from suffering and misery in this life and the next if we follow them.

I hope our Heavenly Father gives you divine aid as you struggle at this point in your life.

[anthony]

What a tragedy - within 4 days you've done a total 180 - I'm guessing you were referred to some material attacking the church, and since you weren't able to resolve it within your logical mind within 4 days, you've decided to do a complete reversal to everything you've learned up until now. Did this "serious questions and investigation" include equal time in studying scripture and church-approved and church-friendly material? Did it include fasting and praying in faith to your heavenly father? Did it include counseling with family and church leaders that you have come to trust? Come on now searcher, did you really give the church a fair chance? (4 days!?)

You must realize that all the anti-mormon material you've been struggling with has been dealth with by others who have struggled through the same issues, and there are answers. You must also realize that this church is composed of fallible humans, the same as any other church, and also realize that we are here to have our faith tested! The purpose of life is not to have everything proven to our logical minds, but it is to prove our faith to our heavenly father!

I sure hope you'll consider giving life-changing decisions such as this a lot more time and effort before you decide to give up completely. As you have already figured out, you need to make sure you receive a witness that God is there and He loves you - please consider following the example of Enos if that is what it takes- spend some time on your knees before and after fasting, pouring out your soul to your Father in Heaven, do a thorough review of the Word of God in the Bible and Book of Mormon, and spend time meditating on these words of life. Please give God this opportunity to be there for you.

I myself might have given myself this advice a year ago, I understand where you are coming from. If you didn't read my first original post perhaps you didn't see that this is something I've secretly struggled with my entire life. My entire life. I have read the scriptures, prayed, hoped, had my ups and downs with faith, paid my tithing, gone to church, fulfilled my callings, fasted, counseled. Last Friday I let my doubt out and that act alone let me face my fears. By Sunday I had decided to leave the church and Monday started researching what you would call "anti" materials. Don't blame anti-mormon material for my departure. And please don't think I took this lightly. It was the biggest decision I have ever made. Thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it.

[ztodd]

I don't know... although you say you've struggled with it all your life, it wasn't until these past few days that you all of a sudden decided to go from this on 11/17:

"the organization of the church is wonderful. It is better and makes far more sense than any other church on the face of the earth. Therefore, if God exists, this is His church."

to this on 11/21:

"I also know that the church is false, with greater certainty than I ever knew it was true despite many years of trying to force myself to believe. This has been the result of serious questioning and investigation."

What caused this complete turn around in your attitude toward the church in 4 days? Was it caused by a prayerful study of the scriptures and church materials, or from studying anti-mormon material?

Retaining a testimony is hard if you don't work at it. A testimony is fragile- that's the nature of it. It has to be nurtured. It requires effort. Then when the Spirit speaks to you, He whispers. I don't know what you're expecting... if you want some grand manifestation, you may not get it...

Anyhow, I continue to hope and pray for you. If there are certain questions you have after studying the anti-mormon materials, search through the lds.org, fairlds.org, farms.byu.edu, maxwellinstitute.byu.edu websites. I hope you can also still continue to try the word of God in the Bible and Book of Mormon, pray, and listen for God to answer! Personal revelation is a real thing - I testify of it to you. It can't be debated- it just has to be experienced- and I think you probably have... you just need to remember...

[Dr. Mom]

I myself might have given myself this advice a year ago, I understand where you are coming from. If you didn't read my first original post perhaps you didn't see that this is something I've secretly struggled with my entire life. My entire life. I have read the scriptures, prayed, hoped, had my ups and downs with faith, paid my tithing, gone to church, fulfilled my callings, fasted, counseled. Last Friday I let my doubt out and that act alone let me face my fears. By Sunday I had decided to leave the church and Monday started researching what you would call "anti" materials. Don't blame anti-mormon material for my departure. And please don't think I took this lightly. It was the biggest decision I have ever made. Thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it.

Searcher-

So why should we continue to discuss this? If your mind is already made up why are you continuing to rationalize and explain yourself. If you truly had your answer you would not be doing this. In my opinion, this is all for attention. I refuse to be a part of it any further.

[DrewM]

I have already had some wonderful responses to my post on other sites and wanted to see if the members of this board could add anything that might help me. For reference I've copied what I've posted on other boards...

""First of all, let me apologise if this is posted in the wrong place. Perhaps perhaps a topic as difficult as doubt in God should be placed in the adult only section? I'm not sure. I also worry that my own thoughts and confusion (as foolish as it may be) might not be good for others testimonies. I have no desire to damage any one's testimony. Believe me, if I could just go on believing without all of this painful doubt life would be wonderful. I just don't want to believe in something that isn't there.

Theoretically, I should be a strong member of the church. I'm 27 years old and was born into the church. I served a full 2 year mission in a foreign country. My parents and brothers are members. My younger brothers are serving missions.

Sometimes I wonder why I can't just be like everybody else. Doubt in God is not fun. Believing in him gives so much meaning and purpose to life. Perhaps weak faith is my lot in life? My weakness God has given me to overcome? Why do others find it so easy to believe while I lack faith? Why can I say, that despite a lifetime in the Church, I cannot honestly recall a strong spiritual experience where God spoke to my soul and said I exist and I love you! I served a full mission studying and praying and working every day with all my soul despite an incredibly debilitating social anxiety disorder that often paralyzed me, where is my confirmation? Don't I deserve one? I can't stop sobbing while writing this.

Some of you may wonder, why is he doubting God instead of just the church? That is, after all, a more common problem. My reasoning is this- the organization of the church is wonderful. It is better and makes far more sense than any other church on the face of the earth. Therefore, if God exists, this is His church. I'm just not sure he exists sometimes...that last sentence was painful to write. Conversely, if this church is false, I would think God does not exist.

I know that in times like these one is encouraged to read the scriptures regularly and pray. Perhaps I should not give up on that as I have. But I also worry that by doing this daily activities it will kind of force me to believe just enough not to question so much...but then I'll eventually falter and lose faith again. Honestly, if I was a Muslim my whole life and felt my faith was weak but then decided to start praying and reading my scriptures everyday the outcome would be the same- my faith in my religion or God would be restored. It seems to me forcing yourself to do something every day makes you believe in what you are doing, no matter what it may be. I hope I'm wrong here.

Please be nice to me here. Some advice, encouragement, anything. These are the words of my soul and as I write them I find I'm crying. It's painful to doubt in something you have be brought up to believe your entire life. Thank you for your time.""

First of all, Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm like you in some ways. I think too much and sometimes that gets in the way of my really feeling the Spirit. I've noticed that when I take time to carefully and quietly read and ponder the scriptures and to pray, my testimony grows and my testimony is reaffirmed. Sometimes I get a little off track and that's when I doubt more. So, I know this isn't very helpful, but the primary answers really are the best ones. I believe that if you'll take more time to carefully read and ponder the scriptures and to pray, you're testimony will be strengthened. It's really easier than it seems.

God bless.

[avatar4321]

I myself might have given myself this advice a year ago, I understand where you are coming from. If you didn't read my first original post perhaps you didn't see that this is something I've secretly struggled with my entire life. My entire life. I have read the scriptures, prayed, hoped, had my ups and downs with faith, paid my tithing, gone to church, fulfilled my callings, fasted, counseled. Last Friday I let my doubt out and that act alone let me face my fears. By Sunday I had decided to leave the church and Monday started researching what you would call "anti" materials. Don't blame anti-mormon material for my departure. And please don't think I took this lightly. It was the biggest decision I have ever made. Thank you for your concern, I do appreciate it.

If you decided to leave the Church Sunday, why did you start studying anti-mormon materials Monday?

And his advice is completely on point. Ive studied Anti mormon literature in depth. In fact, it was the poorly constructed arguments that made me seriously consider the Church was absolutely correct in its teachings. From the beginning, I realized that if a position is accurate, it doesnt need to rely on lies to support it. The truth itself would be enough. Yet time and time again I see critics of the Church attack and attack straw men, rip passages out of context leaving key information out of an entire quote.

While I've seen people change their point of view quickly, this is unusually fast. What are these fears you've faced?

[DrewM]

searcher,

Have you looked at any of the material on www.fairlds.org or en.fairmormon.org ?

That might be helpful for you in digging through the lies of anti-mormonism.

[Traveler]

Searcher: It is my impression that you are not telling us but parts and pieces of truths. There are things that you know about that you are leaving out of your posts.

If you would spend time with your thoughts (meditating on their source) you would be able to decipher that the thoughts of doubt that you experience are not originally your own thought (nor am I the first to tell you this). And you already know why these thoughts have power in your life. Just as the “Rich young man” that came unto Christ asking what he must do for eternal life you have kept all the commandments from your youth – but also as the “Rich young man” there is something you love to which you still hang on.

I wish you well and dearly hope that you will not hang on as long as I have done. Do not, as the prodigal son and waist yourself till there is nothing left to waist.

The Traveler

[muirtle]

I don't know how much I could add to all those great things that were said. I want to tell you that when I was reading your post it was liking hearing my self. I have been a very similar situation except I decided to go home from a mission because I was so unsure. I have spent my whole life searching and waiting to get an answer to my very simple prayer " Is there a God and does he love me?" I wish I could tell you that it just hit me and I knew but that didn't happen and then I had even more doubt. I felt like every time I asked someone what all this meant I felt like a got the same answer either I really didn't want to know or I got my answer but did not realize it. That always bothered me because how is it an answer if I cant understand it. I am sure that this is sounding like I am not helping you but I am trying to tell you what I wish I could have heard. I am married now and going to be sealed in the temple in May and have a baby on the way. I still can't say that I got an overwhelming feeling that this is true but I just looked back and when I was really happy and then I realized I don't think I got the answer I wanted because I felt I deserved to be like Alma and have a vison, but that was my problem I was arogant to be the one saying what should happen and dismiss a lifetime of blessings to me and people I love and still say "is it true?" I had my answer I just had to get out of my own way to see it. Well I hope this helped but when I was where you where I just had figure it out my self but I hope I can save you some time and pain. I just want to end byy saying that I really do know that god is there and loves you and is just waiting for you to be ready to hear what he has to say. Good Luck

[blackcat]

Searcher-I too am an RM(the only convert in my family). I don't remember when I first believed in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost. What I do remember is that I was very young. My mother in her taught me and a good friend of hers. The men in my life especially my physical father were all cowards and I say that bold and strongly. Though never seeing a physical being of God I believed in a Father who has all of childern's best interest at heart would never hurt them in any sense of the word. A father who will be there for his childern 24-7 all they need to do is ask. I also believe that when in deep sorrow He is also in deep sorrow for His childern. A few years ago I remember saying in a Christian based NON_LDS class. How can this be true? How can there be a God? Christ? after all the new testment wasn't written until 60 years after His(Christ)death? But the doubt soon left and I now have what I believe to be a true deep relationship with my Heavenly Father (Jesus Christ and Holy Ghost) He never left me sure there have been times when I haven't felt His presence but I never closed the door. He leads me to where I need to go and in His own time, but there needs to be conversation between the two of you. Ask and you shall receive. And keep asking, studing doing all you can. Sometimes when the time is right it will hit you and hard (but in a good way-a good free high that won't ruin your body) That's the only way I can describe it. Then I remembered logically- the power of prayer I can't deny that even myself. There have been studies I for one never seen them but believe it to be true(that there are studies) where ill patients in a hospital where studied and devided into two groups one group was to prayed for and the other wasn't. The ones that were prayed for healed faster than those how weren't.

In my time of deep sorrow and pain I cried for God's help and He came. Not the missionaries, not some scripture passage but God. I truely know deep in my heart that He lives. I don't know how for you to know, maybe this is one way He is leading you to ask and receive I can't answer for Him only He can on His time but you need to open the line of conversation too. How did you as a missionary get others to believe in the church and reach them if not of the church then how did you get them to know God the Father? Try this look around you, tell me (or yourself) what has God done if not for you then the world. Please don't try and tell me its all scientific (darwin or calvin) cause that's just crazy.

How did you become human besides the actual(duh)answer I mean how did the human form come to be and don't tell me the ape factor cause there are still apes, monkeys and so forth. Have you done anything good for someone that required no payment did you get some good feeling? Where did that feeling come from? I know where for myself. If you do then wouldn't that be the way to know how and when you received your answer of the God head(Trinity)?! If you can't believe in the church right now go to another church just to hear about God. Go to a place where you feel peace(forest, garden) and ask Him again. If you do decide to go to any church read (bible and other good books that quote the bible) Ask the pastors questions perhaps on such subjects that you have been taught by others years before(any that you have and I am thinking that you must have many) I do believe that they probably won't be able to answer for you for your answers will be found here. This is a great Forum to ask from others to answer and I haven't read all others replies but I like most of them.

Listen to christian music there are many various types and I know that there would be at least one group are artist that you would like. For me I like Michael W. Smith, Steven Curtis Chapman and others that are full of praise of our Heavenly Father.

If you do go to a different church if I might add don't say that you have an LDS back ground.

'Cause from my experience many "Christian" churches don't believe that LDS people believe in God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost most claim that the church is a cult and will devalue the LDS faith in anyway possible and it might hurt you more than what you are going through right now. Please bare with me also its hard for me to be open here(be nice). Good luck in your search hope to see a response from you or others in what you think if this was a good bit of advice.

[countryminded21]

I too am a RM I fully understand what you are going through. I received the gospel at 9 years of age & felt comfortable & good about the teachings of the plan of salvation. It felt good in my life & throughout my teens. I went on a mission as I made a decision throughout my life that I wanted to share it with others. The MTC was a struggle for all. Our district faced adversity amongst us, we were all just a bunch of young ones aged 19 for the guys & 21 (like I was) for the women. WE had a desire to share the gospel & accepted the challenge placed for us. We got through the 3 wks & entered the missionfield.

I can say I enjoyed the missionfield. I had a few personal challenges that I didn't resolve before I came on a mission, as I knew not really of the importance of it, but through counselling of a good mission dad & mum & leaders I overcame. I planted seeds & harvested them. My knowledge of the plan of salvation was thin I only could say I must have felt the testimony of the missionary couple who taught me, but didn't fully understand the implications of the plan of salvation & how Jesus Christ played an important role in fulfilling that plan. It wasn't till I studied on a mission did I gain my own personal testimony. It wasn't a bolt of lightening or a burning sensation. It was more of a peace & understanding that I lacked for all those years & only really understood when I came into the mission field.

Mission was the best learning school for me. The challenge was when I returned not having that time to study as much as I did, but made an effort to do little by little. I thought others would expect lots from me, been returned missionary I had this concept that others will look at me differently & think I know all the answers when I DONT I am only human, I dont know the meaning of all things. It comes little by little, and that process still does.

I left the church when I was 25 through some sad experiences in my life that made me doubt priesthood & the authority. The roles they played. I had anxiety problems I faced depression due to a RM who I was to marry chose to leave me 2 months before the planned wedding day, & also a death of a best friend whom was like a brother to me (I carried a lot of guilt for a year or so until I felt comfortable that i HAD been forgiven) & then losing a job.

I remained in this state for 2 years. I came to church few times as I couldn't bare it no longer as many rumors were going round, had little support still from my ward members. Then I began to recover & went back to college to study part time got a job in care home. Then met my true love whom isn't a member of the church & fell away from the church, only attending about 6-12 times a year! only staying for sacrament. I married him this year.

I thought of church as I missed the times of sacrament remembering the covenants. I missed rembering my savior. I said a prayer with the soul that I may walk one day into sacrament meeting. That prayer was answered the very time I woke up I got a peaceful feeling & a whispering saying "Be an example" I thought this was my answer that I have to be an example to my husband & since then I have gone to church every other week (due to work comitments). I still have concerns that matter as i am ex'd member, but I feel that my relationship is with God not with the people around me in church. I can learn from them & their examples but I am there for ME.

I can say i liked my time off church as I had time to think of what is important in my life. I thought differently and still do now. I am more questioning than i used to be. I used to accept things as they were taught to me. Since been married its changed my life. He isn't a member of the church, but feels strongly about the LOVE OF CHILDREN & especially with the war in Iraq he is very concerned. He wants it stopped cause the commandment to LOVE one another & thou shall not kill doesn't make sense to why people have to go to war to kill inicent people. I have a nephew who is Half Iraq & its placed a heart sting on my soul.

Some of the docterines are confusing to me & some of the writings in the scriptures are confusing, but I tend to pick out the good that teach me & inspire me to do better.

I hope this has helped in some way for you. Any questions please feel free to email me or drop a line.

Take care

Love

CG from UK