Dating 14 Years Old?

[Guest 374 TAW]

I am new to this board. I am a father to two boys, two girls, and a guardian of one nephew. I am semi active not templeworthy. My wife and minor children are active in church. My two boys didnt date until they were 17 and 18 years old by thier own choice. My problem is my 14 year old daughter. I define dating is anytime a boy or girl are alone together. My wife thinks dating is when a girl and boy go to the movies, dinner, and etc. The boy my daughter is seeing is 15 years old, very active in the church, his parents hold positions in the church.,(in fact the mother is my daughters young womens leader), and his parents are pillars of the community. My wife is also friends with the boys mother.

The church leaders of my ward have sent the wrong message in my opinion to these two young people. The bishop of our ward allowed this boy to drive my daughter home alone after a church activity. This trip took 45 minutes from the mountain to our home. I found out from wife about a month later, she didnt see anything wrong about it. I took my daughter to mutual wednesday at the church, after she hadnt arrived home at 930pm I found out from my nephew they were holding mutual at the young womens leaders house (the boys Mother). About the time was leaving to look for her she pulled in the yard, caught a ride from a friend of hers. Should mutual be held at her house.

I found out from my wife this boy is driving her home from school everyday. When they no I am home, he drops her off at the school bus stop. My wife also thinks this ok.

My wife and I have had many heated discussions about all this. After 26 years of marriage I feel we are at our rockiest point. I feel disgusted with my wife, and daughter. They lied and decived me. Here it is two days before xmas and I do not have any spirit for it. A friend of mine said well at least my daughter isnt out getting drunk, or doing drugs.

I guess my questions are: Am I wrong for feeling the way I do. Are the church leaders teaching proper doctrine.

I have had a lot of trials in my life, combat, bad illness, and loss of loved ones.But this one has me lost and searching for answers.

[ztodd]

That does sound like a rough situation. They don't think it's a big deal, but you can see what can easily happen when young people spend a lot of time alone together. Have you been able to have some good discussions about that with your daughter? It kind of sounds like your daughter and wife might be a little afraid of discussing things with you, like they think you'll just fly off the deep end whenever they tell you some little thing... I'm just guessing...

Try not to let them think that- don't make them afraid to tell you anything. That's really important. If you want them to feel comfortable telling you things, ya gotta always keep cool, keep a listening ear... one strategy you can try for helping them to see your point of view is to listen to all they have to say, then ask them if they can guess what your response or your feeling is about what they just shared with you. Then listen again. You might be surprised what they tell you- it might help you gain insight into how they feel about your counsel, or why they fear to share things with you.

Your friend has a good point- you can count your blessings that so far your daughter is trying to do good things in life. Keep praying and doing good things to set a good example for your kids.

[fish4kitty]

Welcome to the board...As for your feelings I understand how you feel. A little bit betrayed Maybe???Man I feel for ya. I've got a daughter 14 and I know I would come unhinged if she were left alone with any boy(good kid or not) Do I think anything would happen....No But crap happens when Kids and I mean KIDS are left alone with the opposite sex. I go through my own memories and what was I thinking at that age. Scares me to think that eventually I'll have to let go... but not yet!!! Pray for peace in your heart and let the spirit guide you. It is not easy to keep emotions in check when you have so much invested. One dad to another. Remember she is YOUR daughter and that you love her like NO other man on earth. May God bless. Don't let this ruin the season of love.

[Guest prnldsfrms]

Yes, they are dating in a way that I would not approve of my children dating until they are 16, as the prophet has counseled us. And the fact that he is dropping her off at the bus stop also suggests that he knows he shouldn't be doing it. I suggest you inquire of the bishop in the ward whether your understanding of church standards is accurate, and ask whether the bishop can counsel with the boy about his behavior that you disagree with. Feel free to tell him how ironic it is that you are the one who is concerned about this.

What I suspect is happening is that your wife and the boy's mother think they are "cute" together and therefore think it is safe and okay to bend the rules, since they are good kids whose parents are church leaders and "wouldn't do anything bad". What they aren't understanding is that there is very good reason for the counsel that young people should not be hanging around together alone until after they are sixteen. And that when they do it, others in the ward are influenced to think it is okay. It sets a bad example. for others as well as being risky for the two of them.

I hope you agree with your wife that it is likely that everything might turn out okay. But you are not prepared to risk it. If she resists, ask her if she has prayed about the matter and if she understands that your daughter's well being might be jeopardized by her encouragement.

Of course, your ability to influence this is not great because you are apparently not living the covenants you have made. I hope you know that research shows that girls are more at risk when they do not have dads with whom they have real relationships. She needs to see you attending church with her, going to her sports activities, driving her to and from MIA, and chaperoning her dances. You matter.

BTW, it is not common that youth activities are held at someone's home, but occasionally it happens because of the nature of the activity (like monthly firesides are often at someone's home).

[Still_Small_Voice]

I'll offer a prayer for you. If my daughter (currently three years old) was sixteen years old and doing what you have described I would be concerned.

You double date from age sixteen until the age of eighteen. After eighteen the single dating starts. I think there is wise counsel in this.

[aruth5000]

I'll offer a prayer for you. If my daughter (currently three years old) was sixteen years old and doing what you have described I would be concerned.

You double date from age sixteen until the age of eighteen. After eighteen the single dating starts. I think there is wise counsel in this.

so i went on a double date yesterday ... im only 15 ... my leaders act like its a huge big deal... i mean its not like we did anything ... we went to breakfast a movie and went to my friends house and played guitar hero 3 ... we didnt even go as far as holding hands! ... so i guess my question is ..is it really wrong to date before 16??

[Still_Small_Voice]

so i went on a double date yesterday ... im only 15 ... my leaders act like its a huge big deal... i mean its not like we did anything ... we went to breakfast a movie and went to my friends house and played guitar hero 3 ... we didnt even go as far as holding hands! ... so i guess my question is ..is it really wrong to date before 16??

If you heed the words of the prophets, don't date until you are at least sixteen years old. You will receive blessings for listening to the counsel of the Lord's prophets. I don't know about you, but I need all the blessings I can get.

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgne...0004d82620a____

[aruth5000]

If you heed the words of the prophets, don't date until you are at least sixteen years old. You will receive blessings for listening to the counsel of the Lord's prophets. I don't know about you, but I need all the blessings I can get.

http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgne...0004d82620a____

[/quotte]

k im not even intrested in the guy only went with my friends dates friend so that she could go her parents will only let her double date ... and it'd be to late for those blessings i've already lost them a long time ago i was a really rebelious twelve year old and went against everything my parents told me not to do ...

[Still_Small_Voice]

k im not even intrested in the guy only went with my friends dates friend so that she could go her parents will only let her double date ... and it'd be to late for those blessings i've already lost them a long time ago i was a really rebelious twelve year old and went against everything my parents told me not to do ...

It's not too late to repent and turn to the Lord. You can still receive many great and glorious blessings that your Father-in-Heaven longs to give you. I would start by studying a copy of the ten commandments. The ten commandments are found in the book of Exodus chapter 20. If you need any help understanding them send me a personal message.

Edit: Or feel free to openly ask on these forums.

[~Sarah~]

If you can't get through to your own family, at least talk to the leaders. Talking to the boys parents especially might have an effect. Make them aware that you do NOT approve of what's going on.

[aruth5000]

It's not too late to repent and turn to the Lord. You can still receive many great and glorious blessings that your Father-in-Heaven longs to give you. I would start by studying a copy of the ten commandments. The ten commandments are found in the book of Exodus chapter 20. If you need any help understanding them send me a personal message.

Edit: Or feel free to openly ask on these forums.

Your right its not to late.

[Guest 374 TAW]

Update at church yesterday the mother of the boy approached my daughter and told her son is not of dating age and she needs to be just friends with her son. I talked to my daughter about this she said she had bought him a x-mas gift and the mother didnt approve. I told her I didnt approve of it either and I was glad the mother had told her feelings. I still wish my wife and I would see eye to eye on this. My wife is so niave (sp). I was a wild child in my teenage years, I started dating at 13, and also using alchol, smoking pot. I know all the hangups. Even after cleaning myself up my reputation followed me. I am thankful my children have been good kids. Thanks to everyone for your advise and responses. I will strive to be a better father to my children.

[Moksha]

I never had this concern with my now grown sons. Reading this makes me realize I may be in for some stress with my young daughter when she becomes a teen. Unfortunately Convent School from age 13 to 18 is out of the question.

[NeuroTypical]

The boy my daughter is seeing is 15 years old, very active in the church, his parents hold positions in the church.,(in fact the mother is my daughters young womens leader), and his parents are pillars of the community. My wife is also friends with the boys mother.

374 TAW, this active mormon boy is completely on your side. None of these things you mention would make the slightest bit of difference in my mind either. He's 15, and she's 14. No alone time. Certainly no driving anywhere alone.

This isn't a mormon vs. inactive thing. This is apparently a marriage thing, if your wife is keeping information from you. I'm not exactly sure how clear you've been about your take on things, or how much lying and deceiving is really going on, but IMO, the relationship between you and your wife needs work. Sounds like I'm not telling you what you don't already know.

I don't care if the kid is the prophet's grandson - if he's a normal 15 yr old boy, he's got hormone levels out of control, and the maturity centers of his brain aren't done developing yet. I got better things to do than let my daughter be a temptation this kid doesn't have the maturity to resist yet.

LM

(got daughters too)

[DrewM]

I am new to this board. I am a father to two boys, two girls, and a guardian of one nephew. I am semi active not templeworthy. My wife and minor children are active in church. My two boys didnt date until they were 17 and 18 years old by thier own choice. My problem is my 14 year old daughter. I define dating is anytime a boy or girl are alone together. My wife thinks dating is when a girl and boy go to the movies, dinner, and etc. The boy my daughter is seeing is 15 years old, very active in the church, his parents hold positions in the church.,(in fact the mother is my daughters young womens leader), and his parents are pillars of the community. My wife is also friends with the boys mother.

The church leaders of my ward have sent the wrong message in my opinion to these two young people. The bishop of our ward allowed this boy to drive my daughter home alone after a church activity. This trip took 45 minutes from the mountain to our home. I found out from wife about a month later, she didnt see anything wrong about it. I took my daughter to mutual wednesday at the church, after she hadnt arrived home at 930pm I found out from my nephew they were holding mutual at the young womens leaders house (the boys Mother). About the time was leaving to look for her she pulled in the yard, caught a ride from a friend of hers. Should mutual be held at her house.

I found out from my wife this boy is driving her home from school everyday. When they no I am home, he drops her off at the school bus stop. My wife also thinks this ok.

My wife and I have had many heated discussions about all this. After 26 years of marriage I feel we are at our rockiest point. I feel disgusted with my wife, and daughter. They lied and decived me. Here it is two days before xmas and I do not have any spirit for it. A friend of mine said well at least my daughter isnt out getting drunk, or doing drugs.

I guess my questions are: Am I wrong for feeling the way I do. Are the church leaders teaching proper doctrine.

I have had a lot of trials in my life, combat, bad illness, and loss of loved ones.But this one has me lost and searching for answers.

Not to sound sexist, but I think your wife should support you as the head of the household if you feel uncomfortable about what is going on with your daughter.

[Traveler]

I am new to this board. I am a father to two boys, two girls, and a guardian of one nephew. I am semi active not templeworthy. My wife and minor children are active in church. My two boys didnt date until they were 17 and 18 years old by thier own choice. My problem is my 14 year old daughter. I define dating is anytime a boy or girl are alone together. My wife thinks dating is when a girl and boy go to the movies, dinner, and etc. The boy my daughter is seeing is 15 years old, very active in the church, his parents hold positions in the church.,(in fact the mother is my daughters young womens leader), and his parents are pillars of the community. My wife is also friends with the boys mother.

The church leaders of my ward have sent the wrong message in my opinion to these two young people. The bishop of our ward allowed this boy to drive my daughter home alone after a church activity. This trip took 45 minutes from the mountain to our home. I found out from wife about a month later, she didnt see anything wrong about it. I took my daughter to mutual wednesday at the church, after she hadnt arrived home at 930pm I found out from my nephew they were holding mutual at the young womens leaders house (the boys Mother). About the time was leaving to look for her she pulled in the yard, caught a ride from a friend of hers. Should mutual be held at her house.

I found out from my wife this boy is driving her home from school everyday. When they no I am home, he drops her off at the school bus stop. My wife also thinks this ok.

My wife and I have had many heated discussions about all this. After 26 years of marriage I feel we are at our rockiest point. I feel disgusted with my wife, and daughter. They lied and decived me. Here it is two days before xmas and I do not have any spirit for it. A friend of mine said well at least my daughter isnt out getting drunk, or doing drugs.

I guess my questions are: Am I wrong for feeling the way I do. Are the church leaders teaching proper doctrine.

I have had a lot of trials in my life, combat, bad illness, and loss of loved ones.But this one has me lost and searching for answers.

Since it is you that is here - not the youth leaders or your wife and daughter - I would begin by saying - YES it is wrong to have the feelings you are having about your wife and daughter. I read an interesting study about the work place and I think it also applies to families - one of the conclusions is that people tend to respond better to praise than they do criticism.

Many parents and spouses want to teach correct things and right things. My wife wanted to make sure that everyone of our family understood they were loved. If your wife and children to not believe that you love them; then your criticism will never be of any value to them – even and especially if you are right. In short it is better to be loving and compassionate than it is to be right.

I have learned that once someone understands that you love them and would do anything for them – that they would be much more willing to do something for you. Although I do not know – I am guessing that your wife and daughter do not believe that you really do love them. Why they would think such a thing – I leave as a problem to be solved by the reader.

The Traveler

[mnn727]

and it'd be to late for those blessings i've already lost them a long time ago i was a really rebelious twelve year old and went against everything my parents told me not to do ...

It's never too late, NEVER.

To answer youre question though, yeah, it is a big deal, but you probably won't really realize that until you have a 15yr old daughter of your own

[mnn727]

Where can a 15 year old legally get a drivers license? nowhere I know of, 16 is legal age in every state that I know of. Are you outside the U.S.?

[DrewM]

Where can a 15 year old legally get a drivers license? nowhere I know of, 16 is legal age in every state that I know of. Are you outside the U.S.?

Montana, I believe, lets people get a license at 15. Or is it Wyoming?

[Guest 374 TAW]

Since it is you that is here - not the youth leaders or your wife and daughter - I would begin by saying - YES it is wrong to have the feelings you are having about your wife and daughter. I read an interesting study about the work place and I think it also applies to families - one of the conclusions is that people tend to respond better to praise than they do criticism.

Many parents and spouses want to teach correct things and right things. My wife wanted to make sure that everyone of our family understood they were loved. If your wife and children to not believe that you love them; then your criticism will never be of any value to them – even and especially if you are right. In short it is better to be loving and compassionate than it is to be right.

I have learned that once someone understands that you love them and would do anything for them – that they would be much more willing to do something for you. Although I do not know – I am guessing that your wife and daughter do not believe that you really do love them. Why they would think such a thing – I leave as a problem to be solved by the reader.

The Traveler

I quess I better go jump off the cliff.

[~Sarah~]

Montana, I believe, lets people get a license at 15. Or is it Wyoming?

In South Carolina, you can get your permit at 15, then after 3 months if you take drivers ed you can get your license. Or something like that.

[MorningStar]

I quess I better go jump off the cliff.

WHOOOOOOA! Hey, no jumping off of cliffs! I realize there's a good chance you're joking, but I needed to say that in case there's some truth in that.

Things will get better and you are right to be a concerned father. You love your daughter and want her to be safe. Do you and your wife pray together? If not, please initiate this. It is so important for you to do as a couple. Maybe it will soften her heart and she'll be more open to hearing your perspective on this situation? Also, I think she will take your concerns more seriously if you try hard to be active and temple worthy again. It would be good for you and your family.

There was a general authority that said if you put the best boy and the best girl alone together in a car, eventually they will give in to temptation. No one is immune to temptation.

Prayers for you and your family. :)

[MorningStar]

P.S. My dad wouldn't let me ride with any teenagers - boy or girl. He wouldn't let me ride with anyone until they had their license for x number of years, which made going to church dances a real pain when my parents didn't want to drive me.

[HockeyDude]

Here's coming from a 16 year old licensed driver:

I think you're right on with your opinions. I know the rules here are that you're not supposed to drive other people unless they're your siblings, or I heard from someone that it's also alright if there's two of each gender in the car. I'll have to ask the Bishop about that one. Either way, I agree with you.

On the flipside, I wouldn't go so far as to get truly angry about it (not sure if you said you were, maybe I misread). I'd come to your wife and your daughter, and in a soft voice tell them about your concerns, what you'd like to see happen, and why. I know that when my parents start yelling or raising at them I get this natural attitude that's something like: "Well, I'll show them." Dating when you're sixteen is a guideline as well, remember that. It's a guideline from the prophet, meaning we definately should follow it, but it's not a commandment. I'm not a father so I know I wouldn't understand this, but maybe you should let this be an opportunity to let your daughter exercise her free agency?

I don't know, those are my thoughts. I'll send a prayer your way to help you out through this.

[aruth5000]

Here's coming from a 16 year old licensed driver:

I think you're right on with your opinions. I know the rules here are that you're not supposed to drive other people unless they're your siblings, or I heard from someone that it's also alright if there's two of each gender in the car. I'll have to ask the Bishop about that one. Either way, I agree with you.

On the flipside, I wouldn't go so far as to get truly angry about it (not sure if you said you were, maybe I misread). I'd come to your wife and your daughter, and in a soft voice tell them about your concerns, what you'd like to see happen, and why. I know that when my parents start yelling or raising at them I get this natural attitude that's something like: "Well, I'll show them." Dating when you're sixteen is a guideline as well, remember that. It's a guideline from the prophet, meaning we definately should follow it, but it's not a commandment. I'm not a father so I know I wouldn't understand this, but maybe you should let this be an opportunity to let your daughter exercise her free agency?

I don't know, those are my thoughts. I'll send a prayer your way to help you out through this.

That's probably what my parents are doing ... or i did so much dating behind their backs they just gave up...