Within the Walls of Your Own Home

[mikbone]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

In whatever I do, I tend to want to "be the hero".  It's not necessarily about notoriety.  It is about simply feeling good about myself for having done some good.  And when I'm not the hero, I'm disappointed.

It is hard to put forth effort and provide service for others when they don’t change or show appreciation.

Today I will do a below knee amputation on a patient that I already wasted 2 surgeries on.  I cut off half her foot last month and the big toe the month prior.  Her noncompliance and neglect has ruined my hard work and wasted $100,000 -200,000 of government funds.  I suspect that she will ruin today’s surgery as well.  I have educated and warned her multiple times.  She is a diabetic, has bipolar disease and has issues with poly-substance abuse, and gangrene.

But then again, I look at the atonement.  Christ went through Gethsemane and Golgotha.  There is no indication that anyone other than God, the Holy Ghost and the angel that strengthened him even knew what he was doing.  The people who he was saving denied, reviled and assaulted him during the process.  And the amount of people that take advantage of his atonement by repenting and following seem to be a paltry minority. 

I routinely thank him, and try to do my best to follow his recommendations.  We can at least let Him know his work is appreciated.

You are in good company Carb.  It’s good practice. Keep up the good work.

[laronius]

1 hour ago, Carborendum said:

Well, it looks like it has been over a month now.  I've thought about this question a lot these weeks.  And I believe I have an answer.

I tend to still have the carrot and stick attitude about service.  I do it in hopes getting a reward.  The only reward I want is to see that I've made a difference.  Everyone wants to achieve things.  Everyone wants to know they have contributed to the world.  That doesn't seem too bad.  But I've realized that it's a bit worse for me.

In whatever I do, I tend to want to "be the hero".  It's not necessarily about notoriety.  It is about simply feeling good about myself for having done some good.  And when I'm not the hero, I'm disappointed.  I do things hoping for a great result.  But when it turns out that it's "just another day" I feel like a failure.  Imagine how I feel when something bad happens.

Well, the Lord doesn't "reward" for selfishness.  He rewards for selflessness.  And I somehow believe that the Lord is preventing me from seeing good results because I'm doing it for selfish reasons.

Yes, the psychoanalysis in NT's brain is working.  I have no idea what this condition is called.  I have many talents that most people don't have.  Yet I feel inadequate unless I'm doing something grand and magnificent.  Part of it is that I feel "To whom much is given, much will be required."  So, I need to do more because I have been given much.  Yet it still tends to come back to selfish motivations.  I have to admit that I tend to care more about my own sense of accomplishment than about helping others.  Yet, if someone were to observe everything I say and do during hours of service, they wouldn't know the difference.  Because at the end of the day, I really do care about the people I help.  So, why can't it be both?  I want that reward for me as well as for others.  Is that so bad?

I still don't see any "mighty change" in anyone's hearts, including my own.  And that is disappointing to me.

Tom Peters would have a field day with me.

Saving His creations is not just God's work but also His glory. Yet we don't view Him as being selfish. I think it's because His work is done with the recognition that His joy and enlargement is tied to the joy and enlargement of others. There is no divine individual joy, it's always only obtained by bringing joy to others. And personal growth is never truly actualized until it is put into the service of others. Part of the law of consecration is seeking to become more so we will have more to offer. So I don't see any problem in what you are doing but perhaps you just need to learn to be content with whatever part God would have you play in His divinely orchestrated plans. 

Edit: Rather than say content, perhaps it's better to say we need to have more faith that God knows better how to maximize our joy than we do. 

Edited October 22, 2024 by laronius

[Ironhold]

1 hour ago, mikbone said:

You are in good company Carb.  It’s good practice. Keep up the good work.

There are days where it feels like I gave up everything for a town that doesn't give a care about me. 

I was being scouted by Rutgers and BYU at one point. I stayed local because my maternal grandmother was in the Alzheimer's wing and I knew that with my older brothers gone my leaving would be a hardship on my parents when it came to taking care of her. Well, because I was the one closest to them my parents took their frustrations out on me. The least little thing on my part would get them flying off in ways that they're only just now recognizing they flew off at me. 

I was not so subtly "encouraged" by a representative from a college in San Antonio to put in for a professorship. Instead, I stayed back to help keep the newspaper going after a major shift in leadership. This cost me financially, to the extent that the money I've missed out on has been life altering.

Et cetra. 

When you're in a situation like mine, where it seems like you're sacrificing for the greater good but have nothing to show for your sacrifices, it can be *incredibly* discouraging and make one wonder if they wouldn't be justified in walking away. 

[Carborendum]

So, the Lord just smacked me on the side of the head.  And He did it in the form of an 18 y.o. boy.

A young man in our ward is getting ready to go on a mission.  And he was asked to give the sacrament talk.  He quoted (I can't remember the GA) saying, "We serve others to lose ourselves." (paraphrase).

It hit me that I've been looking for some sort of bonus.  But I've been missing the point.  Service itself is a chance to lose ourselves, and along with it, I can lose all my pretensions and selfishness.

Thing is, I've heard this many times throughout my life.  But it just sounded like a platitude.  Now I understand it.  

This realization comes at a time that I've been reading a book on neuroplasticity.  And I've marveled at how this lines up with the principle of humility (being teachable).  One puzzle I've been working out is how we can become "plastic" and hope to come out better instead of worse because of that plasticity.  And I've been looking for something completely different.  I haven't been plastic (humble).

Service is the perfect environment to ensure that whatever plasticity can come will most likely result in a better outcome than a worse one.

That young man who gave that talk was quite impressive.  I asked if he wrote it by himself or his parents helped him.  He wrote it by himself.  I gave him a heart-felt "atta-boy."

Edited October 28, 2024 by Carborendum

[Carborendum]

There seems to be some progress with this young lady that I've been trying to help.  I've convinced her to setup a retirement account even on her meager income.  With what we've been able to work out, she makes less than $15k/yr.  But she can retire a millionaire.

And she's agreed to have a limited access account for savings (she doesn't have enough self-control when it is just sitting in her checking account) so she can build up an emergency fund instead of spending it all.  I hope this works out well.

She did tell me something rather appreciative that made me feel good.

When setting up the limited access account, I recognized that many people in her life had betrayed her, especially financially.  I explained that if she were to have a savings in a limited access account, she needed someone to watch over it.  I asked if there is anyone who she absolutely trusts.  She just stared at me with a slight smile and pointed with her arms at my family... So, I'll be the watchdog over her savings.

She also happened to say something else (completely unprompted).  She has called my wife "Mom" for a while now.  But she never called me "Dad."  She explained that her father and stepfather were (not good men) and she simply never associated "Dad/father" with anything positive.  So, she never wanted to give me that label.

But she did say that I'm the person that she turns to when she needs a life coach.  And I'm the one that she wants to be proud of her.

Since then, I've been trying to give her what compliments I can for having achieved goals.  Baby-steps.

[zil2]

3 hours ago, Carborendum said:

Since then, I've been trying to give her what compliments I can for having achieved goals.

I recommend the following video, or to shorten in the extreme, "praise verbs, not adjectives":

Or the short version:

 

[Carborendum]

3 hours ago, zil2 said:

I recommend the following video, or to shorten in the extreme, "praise verbs, not adjectives":

Or the short version:

 

I am not familiar with Huberman, himself.  But I've had training about the "growth mindset" from other sources.

I can't watch the videos now.  But I'll take a look when I get home.