Forgiveness is a Must

[StrawberryFields]

Over the last few months I have been especially preoccupied with my father who is in his final stage of prostrate cancer. It was just this week we were told to call in hospice. My father is not eating which is a sudden change; he is drinking very little as well because of the radiation given to his spine for pain control has damaged his esophagus. My dad has always looked at the bright side of things and never chosen to look at the bad. I believe I have even gotten to know why he does this more in the last few months. I saw him react in this same manner when my mom was going through her last days battling cancer and I see the signs before me.

Anyway, there is a lot on my plate at this time and I find my feelings especially close to the surface. Just a few days ago my husband came to pick me up from the hospital and wanted to take me to the newly opened Cheesecake Factory. With the day being a Thursday we felt the wait would be minimal but we were told 35-50 mins. We decided to wait but my husband decided to walk outside to make a phone call because of the noise inside the restaurant. I was standing close to the desk where you check in and give your name. I was looking to the door where my husband had gone and in through the door walked a man I had not seen for over 4 years he was with his wife. My heart began racing as anger filled my chest, he walked in front of me to give his name for the list to be seated. He then turned and looked in my direction. I returned my look with the deepest, darkest stare I could muster. Through my nearly closed eyes I saw this man whose cheapness and lack of safety had severely altered my families life for almost 5 years. This is the same man who 3 days into the incident had placed the blame for my son being in a coma in the hands of a 17-year-old boy. This is the same boy who he had not given any safety training too, who he had allowed to use one of his machines, which was in ill repair and placed my son over the top of this machine because of this. This is the man we embraced while we were in the hospital, the man whose other employees we had consoled. Now he was looking at me as if he might have a greeting for me??? I turned and looked toward the entry door and saw my husband walking towards me. I could tell by the look on his face that he had also seen this man. I said do you know who just walked in? He said yes, I was on the phone and he said Hi to me. My anger was near the surface as my husband stood and spoke about our feelings of this mans actions. There is so much more ugliness I could share here but chose not to at this time. These are the things I know. This man was deceitful, this man holds a high office in the church, and this man runs for public offices and yet is very dishonest. He has never once taken any accountability in his role for the events that have lead to our family’s course of changes, in fact he places the fault on a 17-year-old boy, my son.

Now for the advice part. How do I get out of my pain that surrounds the actions or lack there of from this man? I know he is the one who needs to live with himself day in and day out but still no apology, no nothing for his role. I have gone through periods of letting this go to a point but I believe with the other things I am dealing with right now and the years of this mans lack of accountability it is just too much right now after seeing him. How does one forgive an imposter ‘man of God’ when no forgiveness has been sought?

[Elgama]

SF you know all the trite answers - how is Nick doing?

Here is the FHE lesson of forgiveness its amazing it has the story of Chief Sam Blue who used prayer to forgive the men who murdered his son and place them in the Lord's hands its good advice and what my blessings keep telling me forgiveness is not for your father its for you

LDS.org - Family Chapter Detail - Forgiving

-Charley

[BenRaines]

SF, I have followed your story over the last few years and I believe I have shared with you mine regarding my own father. The point where I finally found relief was when I asked my father forgiveness for the thoughts and feelings I had held. This man has not sought forgiveness so not to forgive. From what I understand is you need forgiveness for your thoughts. That is what I needed and requested of my father. When I sought forgiveness for all the things I had thought and done to my father as a result of his actions, then was I able to obtain forgiveness that I needed.

Ben Raines

[Guest tomk]

Strawberry Fields:

There is no way I can comprehend your pain or your situation. You've asked for advice. I think I can speak with some authority. I won't go into that (it has nothing to do with focusing on the advice part). Just know that while I have not experienced your pain, I have experienced similar pain in my life, and have survived it, even healed from it.

I am going to recommend a few books and articles that I have read. They have been part of my healing. They helped point me to Christ, who is the only one who can heal this. The Atonement was wrought to restore to us what was lost, not only by our actions that we take which harm our own spirits, but the actions of others that violate our agency and harm us. All will be restored. But it does not work without our willingness.

First, a talk given by the late President Hinckley:

LDS.org - Liahona Article - Forgiveness

Next, a book on Repentance:

Amazon.com: The Peacegiver: How Christ Offers to Heal Hearts and Homes: James L. Ferrell: Books

These are articles / books I read during a time of much personal turmoil -- when the gate was open for me to walk through that could have led to a life of anger and resentment. Christ gently led me away from the brink. He gave me the gift of His perspective on the events that had unfolded in my life.

Now, I want you to know -- I am still a weak and failing child. I still have much to learn about loving others like Christ does. It will take me a lifetime (and beyond) to understand that love and be able to practice it reliably in my own life. That is the Gift that Moroni instructed us to pursue with all of our hearts. I understand now why he was so adamant.

Christ is not asking us if the offense we have taken because of our treatment, at the hands of others, is justified. Even if we are justified in our anger and resentment, we are still commanded to forgive them and leave judgement to Christ alone.

If the idea of such seems an impossibility -- then you are invited to ponder WHY -- and to ponder what burdens the Lord has bourne so that you could return home.

Matt. 6: 14-15

14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

[Guest tomk]

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How does one forgive an imposter ‘man of God’ when no forgiveness has been sought?

You ask Father for help in the name of Christ. For your own salvation is also at stake if you fail to forgive this man.

That is, at the same time, both the easiest and also the hardest part.

It does not matter if he ever reciporocates. THAT is between Him and the Lord, and you cannot influence or control that. All you can do is save your own soul, and pray for him to find the same.

[Maya]

Yes forgiveness is a must.... I am sorry you have to go through this.... One day is better than an other..

For me it has helped to aquire better understanding of Gods Plan for us, the eternity, the love Crist has for us. You have to, not only forgive, but be able to share Christs atonement with this person, understand that Christ suffered also for him.

An other thing that has helped me too is that I believe the truth will come forth one day. I can leave everythign in Gods hands, He knows and He is righious... I might be wrong and the person I would like to see punished... might actually for some reason be not quilty...

[MorningStar]

This is very hard, Strawberry. Going through experiences like this, we want justice so much or an acknowledgement that we have been wronged. Years ago my mom told me how she had caught my cousin molesting me after he took me into my brother's room during a family party. (I was very little at the time.) I was a senior in high school when I found out and was so angry about it and I was convinced that I didn't have to forgive him because he didn't apologize or admit what he had done. But I kept telling myself that forgiveness included forcing myself to be in the same room with him as I had done my whole life at family gatherings. Well, I learned later that we are required to forgive whether there is an apology or not and I learned that forgiveness is for our benefit - not necessarily for the benefit of the offender, and it doesn't mean that we are required to not set boundaries for our safety. I read a quote from Brigham Young that went something like this, "Holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person." That made quite an impact on me.

Another thing that has helped me is to remind myself that Heavenly Father is in control and He is merciful and just. Maybe the man who wronged you isn't sorry now, but I guarantee you he will be someday. Well, maybe none of this helps, but I hope you will find the peace your looking for concerning this situation.

[pushka]

Strawberry, I'm very sorry to hear of your father's deterioration...I wish you all the strength in the world to get you through this time. I'm also very sorry to learn that you are still suffering the effects of your son's accident.

I won't try to offer any advice about forgiving his boss..only you can aim towards finding forgiveness for him at your own pace...I'm just so sorry to hear that you are still suffering so much because of his negligence...

[NeuroTypical]

I guess my answer is a bit different than everyone else's.

Why on earth would you want to give that much power over your emotional state to someone else? I mean really, all the guy has to do is walk in a room, and it's like he's pushing every button you've got? And he doesn't even need to know you're in the room?

Can you explain to me why you wish to make yourself so totally puppetlike to this guy? I couldn't really follow your list of complaints against him, but it sounds like he's done some things wrong that have hurt you and your family. So, what, you decide to place your emotional state completely in his control?

I don't get it.

LM

(Watched both parents die)

[siouxz72]

Hi SF! Like the rest, I'm so sorry to read about your father's declining health. The comfort that we have in the knowledge that this isn't the end of our familial relationship is the one thing you can lean on right now.

So far as your son's boss is concerned...here's my thought. How many times did Nephi forgive the brothers that had no remorse for actions they had taken that had endangered his life? How many times did our brother, Jesus, do the same? The peace and the comfort that will come to you when you release the anger will do so much more for you than it would ever do for the man who isn't seeking it. And I know that you're strong enough to do it. Is there anything that you can do to change what happened? No, but you can look forward with a brightness of hope because you still have your son with you. You're still able to love him and be loved by him. That's the important part. How sad and horrible would it be to be the boss? Someone who is not taking responsibility for his actions, someone who's just going on with his life with no concern for how his actions affect others? Man! It would SUCK to be him. lol! I hope what I've said makes some sense and helps a little. You have my number if you want to talk. Love you sister!!!!

[Elphaba]

Can you explain to me why you wish to make yourself so totally puppetlike to this guy? I couldn't really follow your list of complaints against him, but it sounds like he's done some things wrong that have hurt you and your family. So, what, you decide to place your emotional state completely in his control?

I don't get it.

LM

(Watched both parents die)

If you didn't "follow the list" then you couldn't possibly "get it." The man she speaks of, due to his incompetency, almost killed her son.

His face was completely smashed apart and unrecognizable. His recovery, physically and emotionally, has been a nightmare for Strawberry, and it continues to this day.

She lives in fear every day because of other issues directly tied to the incident. It is literally, physically and emotionally, not over for her and her son, and probably never will be to some degree.

So her reasons for her reaction at seeing this man, who not only takes no responsibility for his incompetency that played a part in this incident, but then turns around and blames her son, are valid. And she wasn't "acting like a puppet."

How do you react to someone who almost killed your child?

Elphaba

[havejoy]

One of my favorite quotes is "Forgiveness is not something we do for other people. We do it for ourselves-to get well and move on."

I say this to myself everyday because my daughter was raped when she was 6 years old by a man who has yet to apologize. That was over 20 years ago and I still struggle with this. I have found that praying for the man helps. I've been praying for him periodically for several years now and the hurt and anger is finally starting to fade. It is working so I'll keep praying for him.

Strawberry, I'm really sorry for what has happened to your family. You're in my prayers.

[StrawberryFields]

Thank you all for your thoughts on this very difficult problem for me.

Thank you for your kindness and understanding with my fathers deteriorating health.

Forgiveness.

As I have read the above replies I have given them all consideration. I know I need to forgive this man and most of the time I never give him a thought. The other night when I saw him I could feel my blood boiling and I don’t like what that feels like. As I discussed my feelings with my husband standing just feet away from this man and having not seen him for over four years I can honestly say I could feel calm on one condition. The condition in which I felt calmness is when my husband was standing between the space between the man and myself. My husband said you know we can leave. I said no, I don’t want too but I also don’t want you to move from where you are right now. As I read your replies and also with my thoughts today after writing this I believe I can reach a pretty clear conclusion. I believe I can always have a barrier between that man and myself.

I believe that Loudmouth has a point about giving my power away. Ben, I am not sure if I remember the story of your father but I wonder how it can apply to this man. I have written this man many letters but have not sent them. I will take some time and read the links for articles given to me here. I had a dream once that I saw this man and he was unable to walk and I felt true sorrow for him. I will try praying for this man I do not wish ill on him. As some of you have mentioned I may never get what I feel I need to completely heal from this.

For me this man is evil and not what he represents to the world. I feel I need to forgive him but I am not sure I can and I know the greater sin lies within me. My son is alive thanks to a modern day miracle and I am okay to focus on that.

I know now that I need to forgive him for myself. What if the best I can do is to look right through him as if he didn’t exist if I should ever see him again?

[Elgama]

I know now that I need to forgive him for myself. What if the best I can do is to look right through him as if he didn’t exist if I should ever see him again?

Honestly SF I have tried to work out how to reply without sounding crass as I can barely imagine the strength you will need to forgive a man that harmed Nick so badly, but no thats not good enough and I think you know that which is why you asked. I had an experience with the lady at church that bullied me next to yours sounds paltry but I tried to rationalise it away until I prayed and asked for help to forgive and stayed on my knees until it happened it was me that suffered - the story of Chief Sam Blue is more appropriate to you than any story I can tell you because he did need to totally forgive the men who killed his son completely, I know there are New Era articles about his descendent's and the effects his faith and strength have to this day.

I hope you can see your way clear I think maybe something I am learning more as I move on with my life is forgiveness is not a process its a gift we can have from Heavenly Father,

-Charley

[NeuroTypical]

For me this man is evil and not what he represents to the world. I feel I need to forgive him but I am not sure I can

One thing that helps me, is to understand what forgiveness is, and what it is not.

Forgiveness is not turning a blind eye to evil. If you believe other people are in danger, and you have some actionable evidence, by all means act on it. One aspect of love is to not allow people to do harm to others.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. You are free to base future choices on past actions. If this guy harmed your kid, you do not need to expose your kid to him again in order to 'prove' your forgiveness.

Forgiveness often, but not always, involves removing consequences to the person who gave offense. You can forgive a murderer and still testify in court against him.

These are lies that satan tells us: "You can't have forgiven - you still keep your kid away from him - you remember the harm he caused - you turned him in."

LM

[StrawberryFields]

One thing that helps me, is to understand what forgiveness is, and what it is not.

Forgiveness is not turning a blind eye to evil.

Forgiveness is not forgetting.

LM

I believe I can do this.

[Elgama]

I believe I can do this.

I know you can, you are a woman of God

-Charley

[Misshalfway]

It is so very hard to forgive someone who has caused us so very much pain. I wonder in my heart if this man has suffered... perhaps privately for what has happened to your son. I can't know. I just think sometime we want to see all the evidence that someone is repenting....and sometimes we aren't given that blessing.

I am currently in a situation that is requiring me to forgive. It is taxing and stretching every part of me. The injustice of the situation is searing! And the lack of acknowledgment on the other side is high. I wish for someone to apologize. To recognize the damage.....the long term damage that has been done! And I wish for all the blame and evil speaking to stop. But it doesn't happen the way I want it to and the way I need it to. I find myself praying and pleading for help. And I am learning that I must hand the entire thing to the Lord.

I haven't completely forgiven yet. It seems to be a long process. Longer than I want it to be. I know it is only hurting me to hold on this tight to my feelings. I don't know what the magic is. Hopefully Father will lead me and teach me how to forgive at this level. So many lessons for me to learn. So easy to say, "just forgive" and so hard sometimes to get there.

I am sorry Strawberry. This must be so horrific and painful and burdensome. I know the answer is forgiveness. But I also know how hard it is to get there sometimes.

Much love.