ryanh

AMEN! That was a little bit of what I was trying to point out. At first someone may think that after a year, yep, they will still want to be together at least a couple times a week. Lo and behold, because they are not experienced, they find out they really are just fine with once or month or even less. Feeling misled is an understatement. No, sex isn't everything in marriage, but it is a huge area where compatibility has to be considered. No one wants to be neglected, and no one wants to feel harassed. I do honestly hope this thread doesn't get derailed and hidden in the Open forum. The fact that singles need to discuss this matter thoroughly before marriage needs to be known by singles. Please, let's work on keeping it respectful and appropriate for the benefit of singles that may happen across the thread.

Just get busy chewing your cud.

IMO, it is imperative for singles to discuss the topic. I see all around me heartache and problems caused by disparate desire and willingness to engage in intimacy in marriage. It's hard to discuss when so inexperienced, and really, both individuals don't know if, when the honeymoon phase settles down, if they will want to be together daily, 3x per week, 1x per week, 1x per month, or even less. Everyone is different. Disparate drive can be a relationship killer, and if it can be avoided, it should be. And yes, it is talked about a lot in marriage. Usually it is fought about some too!

The ease referred to is not automatically an absolute reference. I would disagree that it is an absolute reference. I believe it is a relative reverence. This was said by the savior in a time when the religious culture tried obtaining salvation through perfection of performance - an impossibility because we all sin from the beginning.His way is easy as compared to the way of trying to save ourselves through perfection. The burden of redemption and exaltation is extremely heavy. In that way, His way is easy, but in terms of 'ease' it is a difficult path. Hence so may are not able to follow it.

I have actually thought of your 'deck stacked' post a few times, and was going to look it up this morning to comment. Low and behold I find thread II here. I can't point to scripture or GC talks, or share some grand experience that would convey what I understand. All I can say is that over the last two months a testimony has been given to me (I say given, as I truly do think of it as a blessing an gift) that all people on this earth are in the situation, and will have the experiences necessary for their opportunity for exaltation. The starving child in Africa, and the billionaire mogul in the US - each has been placed in God's creation with the circumstances, gifts, and opportunities they need to prove themselves herewith. It doesn't always require a knowledge of the savior to prove ourselves. For some, simply living in various circumstances is sufficient. For others, having the opportunity to hear from Joseph Smith themselves was sufficient and necessary (to prove themselves either way - good and bad). All the varied circumstances are not simply the luck of the draw, or evolutionary chance. There is more design into all of our circumstances than most, if not all, of us can possibly understand.

If I were in your position, I would try to set up an appointment with the Stake President. The three Stake Presidents I have called (or actually, called the stake exec secretary) for such an appointment were more than willing to meet with me.

Most married guys are satisfied with once or twice a month? Unwilling to make efforts to meet a partners emotional needs? I must be an oddball or something then.

Your bishop will not counsel you to stay, or to go. What he will do is help you consider the options, and potential implications of each path. The direction to bishops (and stake presidents, etc) to not counsel one action or the other is very clear in the general handbook of instructions. So, you can expect a listening hear, helpful advice, and hopefully some spiritual insights. Talking with him will be a good thing. There is clearly a problem if your spouse is unwilling to try to meet your needs. I personally don't automatically assume that to be a reason for divorce, but depending on the severity (both in action, and relative impact), I do feel it may be reason for cause. I agree with Hordak on the book recommendation. It is a good book. At the same time, it seems to me that you already have many of the insights that book would give you. You realize your primary emotional needs, and how they are not being met. The question in my mind would be whether your husband is willing to read it, take it seriously, and make an effort to meet your emotional needs - i.e. reciprocate your efforts and make your marriage a partnership rather than cohabitation with (limited) benefits. Is it possible that there are some emotional needs of his that are not being met that, if met, would cause him to work to meet yours? My book recommendation would be Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. The author is not LDS, and generally does include religious considerations in the decision process of whether to leave or stay, but the book is invaluable IMO for anyone that is stuck in "relationship ambivalence". The author walks through various factors to help you come to your own conclusion whether it is best to recommit fully and put effort into making things better, or get out because it likely will never get better. This book was very helpful in seeing that it was best that my marriage be terminated. While any two people may be able to make a marriage work, it does take two people, each desperately working to make it successful. We can only control ourselves. If our mate chooses to not put in the effort, we can’t control them, and they can bring the relationship to it’s knees. That is the sad fact of the world we live in. Just be sure that you feel confident you have given it your all in trying to make it work. You don’t want to be walking away with regrets that you might have been able to something more and made it work. Final thought – get serious about getting your life in spiritual order and be worth of the promptings of the Holy Ghost. Seek our Heavenly Father’s guidance. He can see the end from the beginning, and will be able to tell you what is in your best interest at this time.

Oh no! I'm not stepping into that trap! I'm just going to keep my thoughts to myself and enjoy them that way rather than risk offending anyone with my skewed perceptions and presumptions.

No one is perfect. I certianly wouldn't be the first one to cast stones. However, I would feel a duty to understand, as LM pointed out, the circumstances and attitudes. Sometimes the greatest learning occurs through failure - that is what I would be most interested in. i.e. Did the issue cause spiritual growth and learning in this person I'm considering?

P.S. Thank you for serving our great country!

Be assured, that following the teachings of Jesus Christ as taught in this church help a person a better spouse. More loving, more understanding, more forgiving, and even more committed. Controlling would not be an accurate descriptor. Fundamental to the teachings are that every person is allowed to choose freely for themselves. They are taught what is right, but never coerced or controlled. Having found a pearl of great worth (refer to your New Testament for the parable on the pearl of great price), she will very likely want to share with you what she has learned. But beyond that, what she may hope or expect of you likely has far more to do with her personality than anything connected with the church.

It was fun and interesting to see how real-life personalities did nor did not match up with on-line personalities. Some the same, some more outgoing, some less so. With the talk of picture taking and goosing, it sounds like the party livened up once I finally left! ha ha Y'all went wild when the minor was no longer present huh?

I joined at 16. My family was not anti-LDS, but there wasn’t any support either. It was not an easy path, but it was well worth it. Ask the missionaries about help finding a ‘mentor’ at church. Were you joining my ward, I’d be more than happy to have you over for Sunday dinners, etc to be able to feel a greater part of the ward. That is what happened to me, and it really did help. Nothing I have found in my life in the church is so much about enjoying the experience of ideal circumstances, as it is about doing what is right in the face of opposition. No one’s circumstances are ideal. If it isn’t a non-member family, then it might be weakness for a particular sin, or divorce, or mental illness, or physical handicaps, death of a family member, etc. If it was all easy, it probably wouldn’t be worth much. Following the Savior means forgetting one’s self and troubles and getting busy serving others and easing their troubles. The “full” experience is found in serving, not in receiving.

Hey Xoomer. As I read the latest updates, my mind keeps going back to the last relationship and the woe's there. Keep in mind what went wrong in the previous relationship, and examine if any of those signs exist in the present one. Seems to me that both have some traits of taking advantage of you giving nature. Good luck to you.

I recall reading something about this very recently, but I can't put my finger on the article right now. I believe it suggested planning activities that would not interfere with the ability to keep in rememberance what just occurred. Sage advice IMO. The only thing I recall about the day I was endowed was the session, and the people I was with. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Sadly, so many don't understand (or choose to ignore the fact) that God sees ALL we do. Nice post Justice. Thanks for the effort in sharing that.

I don’t suppose there are a whole lot of people on here that truly understand how living in a toxic marriage for extended periods of time can bring out the worst in us. There are some, but not a lot. I think you’ve done good. And I’m happy to hear that you see the light already. I’m always very careful to suggest divorce as I’m all too familiar how awful it can be. But, when one spouse consistently proves themselves unworthy to remain married, it is needful to call it to an end. I’m predicting you will feel a whole lot lighter and happier once you are free. So he knows you want to end it. But he hasn’t been willing to leave. So, the big question is how to get him out of the house. Wish I had other ideas than what I posted above. I’d bet women’s shelters and/or domestic violence counselors in the area might have some good advice on that. Another reason to contact a women’s shelter would be to get some ideas on how to deal with the possibility of his attempting to commit suicide when this all comes to a head. Many people feign they will commit suicide in an attempt to get attention, or control another’s behaviors. But, it is so hard to tell when it is control and when it is real. If I were you, I’d get advice on dealing with whatever may happen before any crisis appears. If you aren’t really settled that leaving him is the best option, the book Too Good To Stay, Too Bad To Leave is a great resource for walking through the factors to consider when attempting to make that decision. You cannot ‘save’ anyone from themselves. It’s a harsh and painful reality of relationships, but that is the way it is.

Whenever I read Matthew 19:5, I always got the impression that the expectation was to partially divest oneself of the attachments to parents. I know that's not specifically what it says, but it always felt that way to me. I think many of us have heard the stories of being too close to in-laws and marriage problems ensuing. There has to be a proper balance.

Humm. . . For you, I think that "Dry Mormon" fits better. Just add water, priesthood, and immerse well. Welcome.

I have lots of thoughts about the situation. I'll share some of those later when I digest the post better. But, my first reaction is that you probably ought to get a protective order from the courts. See a lawyer, learn what your options are, and get a protective order that will force him to move out and leave you alone. So long as he continues the fear and threats, it will be very hard for you to make a move without support and protection. And no, you don't have to wait until you have a better job. The lawyer can help you through getting a support order in place also.

6:30 is the earliest that I can get there, but feel free to start w/o me if 6 works.

Pam, if you haven't made the call yet, add one more person. I'm trying to arrange for my son to be able to come too. One way or another, I should be able to make it work.

The reflection pool was wonderful. Here are a few photos I took last week.

If you want a resource that will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings, get the book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. It will help you sort through whether you can forgive, if there is enough love and connection to make a go of it, and 30+ other factors to consider and come out of all the fog and confusion that envelops a relationship stuck in ambivalence. I haven't read the whole thread. Sorry, I just don't have time to right now. But, something tells me you have already made up your mind. Now, were you aware of that, or is your post simply trying to sort that out and find that you had already made up your mind? Get the book. It will help.